Slut.

[purpleprincess]

It's a word that I've come to embrace and hate simultaneously. I've been deemed a slut for most of my post pubescent life, especially as a teenager because my female cousins decided to measure their vaginas against mine. I was a virgin, but guys would repeatedly approach me with rumors they heard, hoping for a good time. When I finally started having sex, I was pretty much terrified of racking up too many partners. Scarred from my teenage years, I played it safe for a while. It wasn't until four years ago that I was able to face how sexually depraved I am and even then, it didn't amount to much. I did a lot of my dirt in the dark and felt really ashamed shortly after. I've been celibate for a little over two and a half years now in fear of my own sexuality. My desire is not for multiple partners(not right now, at least), just one partner that I can do the most ungodly things with. I met a guy, a really sweet guy, but he's depressed and doesn't want anything more than sex. I just can't do that to myself. I'm already damaged and I don't want to hurt myself anymore. I don't even know what I'm asking. I just want to love myself and not feel like I'm dirty for wanting to have an insane amount of kinky sex. Can anyone relate? I'd appreciate any insight I can get.

 

[marindadupreezsa]

Hi thr
There is nothing wrong with the way you feel. But I do suggest you find yourself a more compatible partner. And you definitely not a slut from what I read in your post. Life goes by fast so enjoy it before its to late.

 

[Mel22]

I really recommend addressing these issues. The way you feel about yourself is sad to read, and I hope you can work through and alter your perception of yourself because it undoubtedly effects other areas of your life.

Enjoying a dirty, filthy sex life should not make you feel this way - it should be a ton of fun, and even empowering! The fact that you feel so negative about yourself demonstrates that mentally, you really felt the knocks of all of those insults being flung at you over the years and your self-esteem isn't where it should be.

A good therapist could really help you IMO. Good luck, I hope things get better for you soon.

 

[Noodle]

It may be best to disclose your definition of a slut?

I feel that a slut ( male or female ) is a person that enjoys the gratification and novelty of having many experiences and/or partners in play.

Sex is so much more than just the physical of course.

I worry about people that feel obsessed and ashamed by their appetites. I wonder if you are looking for something in someone, or through many someones that you have yet to identify? much less understand.

 

[purpleprincess]

@marinda
Thanks for taking the time out to respond. More than likely I'm not going any further with that guy if he keeps his viewpoint.

@Mel22
You're right and it hurts that my self esteem is this low. I've been trying to repair it, but I always end up relapsing into negative emotions and hating myself. I used to talk to someone, a very supportive therapist, but after being emotionally violated by another therapist, I'm somewhat reluctant to try again any time soon. Thank you as well for taking the time out to respond to my post.

@Noodle
I have a much different definition of slut, unfortunately. In a nutshell, I'm the definition of a slut in my mind. It's not that I find some sexual acts unacceptable in general, it's just that I find them unacceptable for me. It's all self hatred from years of being labelled a slut. There are adult actresses, sex workers, and people from my own life who I have the highest respect for and would never label them as dirty, but when it comes to myself -- even the fact that I like to be face fucked makes me a slut.

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

I would definitely try again with a therapist, these days the bad ones are a minority. Once you are able to work out your self esteem you will be free to have sex any which way you want.

As for being a 'slut', IMO you're definitely not one. A slut is someone who takes gratification from any and everyone, with no regards to the other people involved (eg. Sleeping with anothers partner, stringing people along for emotional gratification and ditching them once they get tired/bored).

 

[Mel22]

It's all self hatred from years of being labelled a slut.

Remember, no one can make you hate yourself.

Definitely think you should try again with a therapist - you don't need to live the rest of your life feeling like that. It might be hard to find the right doctor, but the reward is most certainly worth going through all of the b.s at the start.

 

[Morphling]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a slut. As long as you are staying safe and the sex is between two consenting adults, fuck all you want I say!

 

[Pagey]

I don't think the word 'slut' even really means anything. Is it someone who has sex with random people? Someone who just has sex often? Someone who enjoys less conventional sexual acts? Someone who likes things that aren't missionary? Someone who likes sex?
Everyone has their different definitions and everyone's going to label other people sluts even though they hook-up in clubs every other day. There's no sense in bringing yourself down because of what society has deemed acceptable or not, or because of what others have decided to call you just to make themselves feel better. If you like sex, then have sex! You don't need to tell everyone about it if you don't think they'd 'approve'. Only a few of my friends know the general details of my sex life, and even they have absolutely no idea about most of the stuff I get up to cuz they'd probably find it weird or would see me differently because of it (I'm talking about people I'm very close to, obviously). I don't see how that's a problem. I'm sure they have their own secrets regarding their sex lives. Neither those nor mine are worth being ashamed of. Nothing in your sex life is worth being ashamed of so long as all partners are consenting.
You don't seem happy living a celibate life, so don't. There's absolutely no point trying to repress your desires. It's going to bring nothing good. No one fits into the perfectly ridiculous mold society expects us to abide by. This isn't something anyone else needs to know about, so take advantage of that to just be yourself!
How's your self-confidence in general? I mean do you feel satisfied with who you are as a person and with how your life currently is? I find that changes a lot, ie. if you're happy with yourself, you'll be happy being yourself and whatever that may entail.

 

[Renz Envy]

Most of the time I see the word thrown out due to feelings of jealousy.

Really, the only way I could see the word "slut" be worked in good context is when a person is willing to hurt a lover or loved one for sex with another. Otherwise having sex a lot is a thrilling/risky use of time.

 

[95Land]

It sounds like the fixation on the word "slut" and what you believe is unacceptable behaviors that make you a "slut" is mostly just leftover emotional baggage from high school.
I'm not trying to minimize it. Everyone picks up damage in high school that is sometimes really difficult to shake.
You need to get back into counseling with someone that you can trust. Your sense of who you are and what's acceptable seems skewed.

"Slut" is just a word. Words are words. They can mean whatever you want them to mean. Good or bad.
Personally, after reading what you're saying you desire, I'm still looking for what's bad about it.

I have run into a decent number of girls that like what I suppose could be described as extreme sex acts. Guilt doesn't seem to be unusual, but it's counterproductive. You like what you like.
Just as an example, cause it's something you mentioned.... The few girls that I've run into that like to be face fucked, gagged, choked are mostly pretty healthy as far as their viewpoint of themselves/their sexual identity.
At some point you have to accept that you are who you are, you like what you like. There's nothing wrong with you because you like what you like.

 

[rangrz]

I use the word slut to describe a person (male or female) who has sex with people they don't really want to have sex with, or does sexual acts they don't really want to do for social acceptance or validation. It's not that they're doing anything wrong in an objective sense, and nor do I despise them, I just find it a little sad/depressing that people don't have the backbone to handle the "rejection" or to say "no" to specific sex acts and only do the ones they want (within reason I mean, nothing wrong with indulging your partner now and then if it's not too objectionable/unenjoyable for the person doing it.)

As long as you're having the sex cause you want to have it with that person and do those acts, however many people it may be that you want to have sex with, and however depraved the acts, it's fine in my books and indeed, I give people who do that more respect than I give to people who don't have sex with people they want to bang or do the acts they want to do out of fear of being labelled as depraved or sluts.

Actually, I put both the first paragraph definition of "slut" I gave, and the bottom paragraph thing about people who don;t have the sex they want out of fear of being a "slut" on about the same level. It's essentially selling out your personal life/sexuality to fit other people's expectations, and whether that means having more sex than you want, or less than you want, it's the same thing and it's pretty fucking whack.

As with 95, I have a lot of weird sexual desires and so have all the girls I've been in LTR's with. All of them have been pretty fucking cool, extremely smart, respected in society for their accomplishments, and healthy, dope ass people. Sure, they're poly, and want to be with multiple partners, and girls and guys, and they liked to tie up me up and beat me and fuck me with a strap on (as well as be tied up, beaten and be fucked up the ass, etc.) So fucking what? That doesn't detract from
the fact one of them makes vaccines and does research on anti-viral drugs, or another who has valor medals from her military service, or working for Boeing Space Systems designing rocket engines, or being a really good competition sail boat racer who's also performing brilliantly in one of the top universities in the world for life sci while also being a pretty dope musician/artist all at the same time, etc.

 

[pokepoke420]

I mean, by the general public we don't view you as a slut. Unfortunately you are your own worst critic and no matter what bit of information we give you, you will still view yourself the same way. That is tough you were viewed that way throughout high school. I know quite a few girls who were also labeled as sluts, and honestly the most they had done in high school was given their boyfriend a blow job. I hope as you get older this stigma disappears and you are able to develop a healthy sexual relationship with no worries.

 

[pofacedhoe]

it depends where you live. different attitudes exist everywhere. bluelight is open minded but say your family were evangelical christians they might view things different.

in my experience if you are going to sleep with a high number of people in your lifetime (100+) keep it on the downlow and do it away from your home/social circle. thats what the players i know do (women can be players too) although with the ones i know its a smaller number (maybe 15-40 in their life).

if all you want is a boyfriend and you want to have sex with him thats normal. strict definitions on sexual morality are ridiculous. look at afganistan and their dancing boys. nuff said

chill out and stop letting judgemental peoples words and bullying give you a distorted view on reality.

 

[95Land]

As with 95, I have a lot of weird sexual desires and so have all the girls I've been in LTR's with. All of them have been pretty fucking cool, extremely smart, respected in society for their accomplishments, and healthy, dope ass people. Sure, they're poly, and want to be with multiple partners, and girls and guys, and they liked to tie up me up and beat me and fuck me with a strap on (as well as be tied up, beaten and be fucked up the ass, etc.) So fucking what? That doesn't detract from
the fact one of them makes vaccines and does research on anti-viral drugs, or another who has valor medals from her military service, or working for Boeing Space Systems designing rocket engines, or being a really good competition sail boat racer who's also performing brilliantly in one of the top universities in the world for life sci while also being a pretty dope musician/artist all at the same time, etc.

Amen. Amen....
Variety is the spice of.... Most everything.
If every girl I ran into wanted missionary and a kiss on the forehead afterwards, I think I woulda shot myself by now. Hyperbole, but it would suck.
When I meet someone cool, and we eventually get to talking about what we like and don't like sexually, just hearing that they're willing to be "adventurous" is a thrill in and of itself.
OP- Embrace who you are, what you like and who you wanna do it with.
It really is a matter of your own mind being your worst enemy. Once you make the decision that you're OK, your happiness will follow.

 

[DrinksWithEvil]

you can look at it this way....alot of girls cant even even have the sex that they want...so obviously you have things going for you in terms of attractiveness and probably personality

shit i wish i could say im a slut. I dont have my life or thoughts together enough to even think about sex.

 

[rangrz]

If every girl I ran into wanted missionary and a kiss on the forehead afterwards

Hey, that's nice sometimes too... and all of the girls I've been with liked that sometimes (as do I) and sometimes they liked BDSM, and sometimes they liked exhibitionism, etc. Variety is the spice, including sometimes doing the softer stuff, ya?

 

[95Land]

^I suppose.... I suppose. .
Nah, you are right. There's nothing wrong with having sweet, straight forward sex sometimes. I'm mostly just saying that if the world wasn't filled with adventurous sex partners my life would lose much of its purpose. Adventurous implying a wide range of acts.

 

[augustaB]

Slut is a word that people use to make others feel bad.
That said I know I'm a total slut and loving it.
XXX

 

[purpleprincess]

A sincere thank you to everyone that responded to my thread. I feel a lot better about this than when I first posted. I know that it's going to take a lot more to build my confidence, but I'm glad that I could finally talk about this after so long. I think I'm going to try and move away from labeling myself as "slut". Not because I think the word is inherently bad, but because of all the negative baggage I've attached to it over the years. Instead of a therapist, I've decided to seek out group therapy for other young women with similar issues. I'm saying goodbye to this oath of celibacy as well, but no rush since I want to find an awesome guy. Well, thanks again.