Sinking deeper and deeper.

[MilzyWilzy]

Hi everyone

Bluelight is the only place that I trust for solid and good advice so I'm going to post here.

This may be a bit long so please bear with me, I just want to get everything out.

I've had not what you'd call an easy life, my father physically and emotionally abused me whilst growing up, my mother never really cared or has ever told me that she loves me. I've never been shown any love in any shape or form.

I'll go into everything so that you can get a grasp of the bigger picture of my sad existence.

I've been used in many relationships as I was coming into adulthood, my own fault for letting it happen I know. Then I met a man who I thought I loved when I was 22, he was much older than me. A few months into the relationship I fell pregnant, that's when the domestic abuse started, all the way through my pregnancy he hurt me and risked the life of my unborn daughter.

I had my baby and then 8 months later I fell pregnant again with my son, still the violence continued. I suffered for 6 years.

I met a new man who I instantly clicked with just after these 6 years, he gave me the confidence to leave my abusive partner and be with him. He was and still is married.

We had a good relationship together and 1.5 years into it, I fell pregnant with our daughter, everything was perfect until he gave me genital herpes in the last 4 weeks of pregnancy. I had to endure a cesarean section to save the life of my unborn baby as the GH virus can be deadly to newborns. My little baby could have died had I not acted on my very severe symptoms.

That traumatic time and the mixture of hormones proceeded to land me with post partum psychosis, I went through hell, sheer hell. I abused prescription drugs and became a paranoid, psychotic recluse fearing for my life (I have a thread on my experience in the mental health forum called 'My story - psychotic trips to hell and back' if you fancy a read of that.)

Anyway, this got stabilised with medication but have recently been heading towards the edge again. No one in my life cares for me, no one is there for me, I am raising 3 children alone and I cannot even begin to put into words how hard this is, but it's a living nightmare doing everything and raising them alone and lost. My partner doesn't live with us and doesn't provide me with any support with our daughter whether it be financially or practically. I pay for most things for him, I buy him little gifts to make him feel special, I love him with all my strength, I have given this man everything and I get nothing in return, I mean nothing.

I don't feel loved, I don't feel wanted, respected or special to him or to anybody. I have so called friends that I will talk to and try and get close to and then they will drop me, use me.

My mental state has got much worse today, I'm a joke, I'm a failure, nobody wants me yet all I have ever given people is love and have gone out of my way to make others feel special. I have a very big heart and soul yet always seem to get shit on from a great height.

I'm worthless, I'm nothing, I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being. The problem must be me seeing as nobody is interested in me.

I'm having serious thoughts on attempting to take my own life, I cannot physically or mentally take this life anymore.

Am I such a bad person that I need to be treated in such ways? I can't comprehend anything to make sense. I fear that I'm slipping back into a psychotic episode. I'm having thoughts that they are all part of a conspiracy to destroy me and finish me off.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated before I fear it's too late and I carry out my wish to be dead and buried.

Thank you for taking the time to read my jumbled up story of my life. If there's any additional questions you have, I'd be happy to answer them.

:-(

 

[RhythmSpring]

I have a very big heart and soul yet always seem to get shit on from a great height.

This to me stands out as the most important line of your post. You are still able to recognize your self-worth, that you have a big heart and a big soul. Not only that, the phrase "get shit on from a great height" is funny--you are maintaining your sense of humor (I think), and that is very important in surviving the worst times.

Question: would you consider putting up your children for adoption to save your own livelihood (and perhaps theirs as well)?

 

[P.o.T.u.S]

Im so sorry to hear you are struggling this much..i cannot compare my life to yours because u have young ones to tend to and i just have myself but i feel your pain when all u do is love people but attract the people that will use all that love up and not give any back..theres only a few ppl i have met in my life that i would consider good people but the sad truth is our world is filled with alot of selfish people who only care about themselves...i just want to reach thru my screen and give u a big hig just to prove to u that even tho we have never met,someone cares about u

..i have enjoyed reading your post to get a sense of who u are and the strength u have to keep going when all u feel is pain..it is great u are tryin your best for your children and when they are older they will realize how much thier lovely mum tried to give them the best childhood she could..i wish i had advice for u but all i can offer is my support..stay strong and keep yourself healthy and no matter how bad it gets u need to keep your head because your children need u..u never know who u will meet tomorrow it could be the greatest man imaginable,the man to show u all the love u deserve

 

[Jabberwocky]

Hi Milzy, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. In spite of the struggles you've been going through I'm impressed by your strength to keep going. You have good reasons to feel helpless in your situation, but also take a step back from it all and see it in a different light. You've acknowledged there are destructive patterns operating both inside you and around you. A good place to start when it seems like your destiny is to keep repeating the same patterns is to pay attention to the patterns you are running. Just being aware of it can help a person see more clearly why we do the things we do and how our lives reflects the needs we have. When faced with a decision we are about to make, seeing the pattern we are running creates space to steer our life in a more healthy direction. The nine enneagram personality types are a widely used system for getting a better grasp on our programming. You might find it helpful to look at your life in the context of personality programming. You can take a free test online to help determine your personality type or read through the various personality types and see which one seems most appropriate to you. https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-descriptions/. I'm tempted to say you are a type 2 "The helper," but give it a go yourself. Theres more to it than just a single personality type, but that is a good start and you'll find resources on that website and others for getting a more accurate personality picture. Better yet, if it interests you I recommend "The Enneagram Made Easy" by Elizabeth Wagele and Renee Baron. Hope it helps and best wishes.

 

[MilzyWilzy]

P.o.T.u.S - thank you so much for your kind words, that means more to me than you'll ever know x

levelsBeyond - thank you very much for your great advice, I really appreciate it. X

I am going to dig so deep to get out of this horrible cycle, I will go and see my doctor tomorrow to.

I WILL BEAT THIS.

Thanks guys, your support is fantastic x

 

[herbavore]

Love your determination, Milzy.

 

[MilzyWilzy]

Thanks so much herbavore x