It's Been Hard...
Wow...you have all brought tears to my eyes. I almost have no idea how to respond...
I have spent so many years with only myself. Even when partnered, I was alone. I have been abused, assaulted, hurt, maligned, slandered…to hear I am in a place where I am allowed - encouraged! - to make it about me triggers so many other emotions. The times I’ve worked up the courage to ask for help, I’ve been burned so brutally…
One example: my child’s therapist (I brought her of my own free will to assist in transition since we’d moved cross country) said I was too well spoken for a woman of my ethnicity and ought to call child services on myself…so I did. They said they didn’t accept self referrals and I should fire her, so I did, and then, naturally, she filed a claim. The woman who came to investigate hit my daughter in front of me and asked, "is that how mommy hits you?" She violated so many more of my rights and finally said I’d benefit from the services her department offered so she was just going to find me guilty. (I refused serviced and was told the charge would remain on file until my YOUNGEST child left the home.)
I get housing assistance and have been lucky enough to find homeowners willing to rent to me. Apartment complexes in my area have 2-5 year waiting lists. Houses cost $200-400 more, but I can usually talk homeowners down by offering to do my own yard work or trash removal. The woman administrating the housing program has now said she doesn’t see why everyone else is living in apartments and I get a fancy house so she won’t let me leave this poisonous, mold filled home unless I agree to go to an apartment…but now I’m on a waiting list. I found a house for hundreds cheaper than any apartment but rather than approve it, she sent a tenant who was willing to pay a few hundred dollars more just to refuse me the right to live there.
This is on top of the chronic pain from the fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, seizures, migraines, unexplained weight loss and severe depression. It’s no wonder I might… now and then….color outside the lines…it’s all I have to keep me from dying of dehydrating myself to death.
Thanks for listening.