Am afraid. Am up late in the middle of the night, not in my own home. Having minor panick attack. It's after 3 something AM, but am afraid to dare risk driving home for fear of attracting cops, even following ever single law to the letter. It's a holiday. I have 2 be at work at 2pm in fuckin Irvine. I called Mom and lied to her about where I am and what I am doing....Sigh. I HATE lying!!!! God I fucking hate it!! If I didn't though, had I told the truth where I am, she immediately would of known what I am "doing" here. Of all damn things, I said I was having a one night stand of sex with this guy I barely know named Ryan....rather than tell the truth because the names Aimee and Linda mean one thing. Drugs. At the same time, I've had fuckin nightmares about getting pulled over for no good reason, the cops search me and find shit they shouldn't, then for real, I WILL have to permanently check out because I don't have anywhere near the brass balls to even think about going through life, losing my medical career 4 good, just like Aimee. I'll lose my car, everything I worked for, and for what? For a lesson that I got sooo fuckin taken in this time by some scandalous smack heads, though Aimee is my heart and soul friend 4ever...I think it's punishment enough to be out $70, for a dime bag of shit and unreliable permanently off limit connect for speed, have to suffer W/D's, my fault, that's ENOUGH punishment! Yet I want to go home. There is unrest here, even though it's quiet. I'm sad, I fucked up, I'm afraid, I'm broke, I don't want to be in any more trouble please. ..
So what to do? dunno, not sure. What 2 tell Mom if I come home unexpectedly in the middle of the night? She knows that we both know the truth and THAT scares me. God I'm sad, help me, I'm chemically dependent, that's it, nothing more, nothing less. If you're a drug addict in So Cali, though, you are by default also a criminal. Am I? I can't live with drugs. I can't live without them, fuck what now? I wanna try and go home....damn it. 44 y/o broad what a hell of a mess....the sad thing is that even the most scandalous junkies and tweekers have told me I DO have a huge heart....Sadness washes over me in waves because I cannot understand why normies cannot see what only other dope fiends see....I'm really NOT a scandalous criminal....but a woman with a deep sickness of chemical dependency....God help me please pray I make it home safe....
So what to do? dunno, not sure. What 2 tell Mom if I come home unexpectedly in the middle of the night? She knows that we both know the truth and THAT scares me. God I'm sad, help me, I'm chemically dependent, that's it, nothing more, nothing less. If you're a drug addict in So Cali, though, you are by default also a criminal. Am I? I can't live with drugs. I can't live without them, fuck what now? I wanna try and go home....damn it. 44 y/o broad what a hell of a mess....the sad thing is that even the most scandalous junkies and tweekers have told me I DO have a huge heart....Sadness washes over me in waves because I cannot understand why normies cannot see what only other dope fiends see....I'm really NOT a scandalous criminal....but a woman with a deep sickness of chemical dependency....God help me please pray I make it home safe....
