It's early Mon morning. I have a lot to write, but am gonna just cover the basics for now cause I'll be crashing soon. I'm not sure exactly how long I've been a slave to tramadol, but it's been probably 6 months. I cut my dose from 10 pills a day to 5, suffered for 3 months because of it, then went down to 4 a month later. I felt fine for 18 hrs, but then the kicking would start. I have no money and I am desparate. I couldn't handle the thought of having to go through another 4 months of this hell, so unfortunately I had to take matters into my own hands. Detox was out because we're talking around 3 to 10 grand for a 3 day detox. Ibogaine is out because of not having $600 and no access from the USA. Gradually tappering I can't do anymore because I have a job I have to be at 5 fucking days and I dont even get 2 days in a row to kick in peace cause I'm off Mon and Wed.
I went down to my friend's house who's been a seasoned junkie for years. Since there's no telling when Dave's source will get off his ass 2 get me the shrooms I paid for, meanwhile prolonging the agony of the tramadol addiction, I got an idea. I realized that first off, when I was strung out on fiorinal and codeine pills 12 years ago with a 20-30 pill a day habit, when forced to quit, the physical kick lasted about 2 wks, and the tramadol is 10 times worse than that! I quit the tramadol completely on Thursday and took a couple pills of fiorinal #3's instead. So Saturday night, I explained my plight to Aimee and she affirmed the fact that she saw chicks in prison have horrific w/d's when forced to kick in prison. I've had a couple other junkies on line tell me they had the same problem so I know for a fact it's not my imagination.
I don't know how it is that a non narcotic drug that is not even a controlled substance in the drug laws of the anal USA is actually way more dangerous than so called real Rx dope, but all I know is that it is. If worst comes to worst, I thought I'll start weaning using 2 of my Fiorinal 3's, then go down to one pill the following week, maybe every other day and drink lots of grapefruit juice because it greatly enhances the effect of opiates. I bought some seraquils off Aimee. I've had them before and they aren't fun or anything, but one pill will knock me out so I can sleep 24 hrs, sometimes more. That was the first order of business. There was this guy that hangs out in the drug den that knew where to score X, so I bought 4 pills.
I'd never taken X before. The purpose of taking the X was to stave off W/D's, which they have for the last 36 hrs. That was the fun part of the beginning phase of this kicking. So far no pain. Still, the other problem that's been tripping me up is the fact I've got some dumb ass responsibility every day of the week lately. I called in sick Sunday, said I was sick in bed. About an hour ago I cancelled work for Tuesday, plus sent my patient's mom a text apologizing but wanting to give plenty of notice for her to find a replacement. I left messages cancelling my obligation to the NA helpline on Wed and I cancelled my dental appointment Wednesday. I left a note for Mom, she knows what I'm trying to do, but soon I'm going to pop a seraquil and do my damndest to sleep through the w/d's. I have 4 days to concentrate on nothing but getting over the kick and hopefully most of the sickness will be gone or tolerable by the time I have to report to work Thurs night.
Work is not gonna be happy, but it's not like I get much benefit for getting 2 unpaid days off which will be a motherfucker of a bitch trying to pay these bills. Next week, I'm going to petition probation and tell them there's no way I should owe them $1372. They base their calculations on each individual's ability to pay, but I was making more money before and wasn't saddled with medical, dental, student loan bills, gas, auto insurance, and auto maintainance, so fucking horse shit. I'm going to show them all these bills, plus my cut in pay, those fuckers at the very least ought to reduce the cost of having been on probation by 1/2, especially since I've already given them $800. You know what these fuckers are charging me for? Paper work that my PO had to do for the privelege of me being on probation, for someone I didn't even have to see except once.
Don't know what will come out of this, but I got the student loan people off my back until September. They agreed not to garnish my wages due to extreme financial hardship that it would cause, but I have to do the whole paper work and proof thing in another 6 months to keep them from garnishing my wages again. I'll also have to make my objections in writing over their demand that I pay $43,500 on an $8,000 loan. Granted, I know I blew them off all this time up until the past 8 months or so and started making payments, but sorry, I think that's just a tiny bit too steep. Working the Steps of NA has like my Mom pointed out enabled me to face and deal with unpleasant responsibilities. I know my sponsor and Jeff are concerned about me which is sweet, and other people in NA probably wonder why I've been scarse lately, going only to 1-2 meetings a week.
I'm not sure how and when I'm going to go about the business of telling them about my relapse, which technically started with the tramadol. The important thing at the time I was taking it, was what steps I've been doing to get off of it and I can honestly say I've put in a great deal of effort, but after 6 months of intense suffering, fuck it I can no longer deal with it and be expected to suffer through 4 or 5 months tapering gradually like I was and having to go to work full time. I work hard to be the very best nurse to these patients as I can be and while I don't necessarily go off on them, I can't actually enjoy my job and really be the kind of nurse these poor kids deserve. I'm squirming the entire time almost, just desparately wishing for the torture to be over. So, what normally is an enjoyable, easy job working with parents and kids that really like me feels like an endurance contest. They don't deserve that! I'm sad, angry, and so disappointed I let this happen, but the sickness just never wants to end!
Now that I don't have to prolong the suffering because of the fact I cancelled my responsiblilities, I can take Aimee's seraquil and God help me I hope I suffer most of the sickness in my sleep as I kick and thrash around in bed, but mercifully oblivious to the suffering, at least consciencly. And pray for me please that I will be well enough Thurs evening to be the kind of employee my patients and I deserve.
I went down to my friend's house who's been a seasoned junkie for years. Since there's no telling when Dave's source will get off his ass 2 get me the shrooms I paid for, meanwhile prolonging the agony of the tramadol addiction, I got an idea. I realized that first off, when I was strung out on fiorinal and codeine pills 12 years ago with a 20-30 pill a day habit, when forced to quit, the physical kick lasted about 2 wks, and the tramadol is 10 times worse than that! I quit the tramadol completely on Thursday and took a couple pills of fiorinal #3's instead. So Saturday night, I explained my plight to Aimee and she affirmed the fact that she saw chicks in prison have horrific w/d's when forced to kick in prison. I've had a couple other junkies on line tell me they had the same problem so I know for a fact it's not my imagination.
I don't know how it is that a non narcotic drug that is not even a controlled substance in the drug laws of the anal USA is actually way more dangerous than so called real Rx dope, but all I know is that it is. If worst comes to worst, I thought I'll start weaning using 2 of my Fiorinal 3's, then go down to one pill the following week, maybe every other day and drink lots of grapefruit juice because it greatly enhances the effect of opiates. I bought some seraquils off Aimee. I've had them before and they aren't fun or anything, but one pill will knock me out so I can sleep 24 hrs, sometimes more. That was the first order of business. There was this guy that hangs out in the drug den that knew where to score X, so I bought 4 pills.
I'd never taken X before. The purpose of taking the X was to stave off W/D's, which they have for the last 36 hrs. That was the fun part of the beginning phase of this kicking. So far no pain. Still, the other problem that's been tripping me up is the fact I've got some dumb ass responsibility every day of the week lately. I called in sick Sunday, said I was sick in bed. About an hour ago I cancelled work for Tuesday, plus sent my patient's mom a text apologizing but wanting to give plenty of notice for her to find a replacement. I left messages cancelling my obligation to the NA helpline on Wed and I cancelled my dental appointment Wednesday. I left a note for Mom, she knows what I'm trying to do, but soon I'm going to pop a seraquil and do my damndest to sleep through the w/d's. I have 4 days to concentrate on nothing but getting over the kick and hopefully most of the sickness will be gone or tolerable by the time I have to report to work Thurs night.
Work is not gonna be happy, but it's not like I get much benefit for getting 2 unpaid days off which will be a motherfucker of a bitch trying to pay these bills. Next week, I'm going to petition probation and tell them there's no way I should owe them $1372. They base their calculations on each individual's ability to pay, but I was making more money before and wasn't saddled with medical, dental, student loan bills, gas, auto insurance, and auto maintainance, so fucking horse shit. I'm going to show them all these bills, plus my cut in pay, those fuckers at the very least ought to reduce the cost of having been on probation by 1/2, especially since I've already given them $800. You know what these fuckers are charging me for? Paper work that my PO had to do for the privelege of me being on probation, for someone I didn't even have to see except once.
Don't know what will come out of this, but I got the student loan people off my back until September. They agreed not to garnish my wages due to extreme financial hardship that it would cause, but I have to do the whole paper work and proof thing in another 6 months to keep them from garnishing my wages again. I'll also have to make my objections in writing over their demand that I pay $43,500 on an $8,000 loan. Granted, I know I blew them off all this time up until the past 8 months or so and started making payments, but sorry, I think that's just a tiny bit too steep. Working the Steps of NA has like my Mom pointed out enabled me to face and deal with unpleasant responsibilities. I know my sponsor and Jeff are concerned about me which is sweet, and other people in NA probably wonder why I've been scarse lately, going only to 1-2 meetings a week.
I'm not sure how and when I'm going to go about the business of telling them about my relapse, which technically started with the tramadol. The important thing at the time I was taking it, was what steps I've been doing to get off of it and I can honestly say I've put in a great deal of effort, but after 6 months of intense suffering, fuck it I can no longer deal with it and be expected to suffer through 4 or 5 months tapering gradually like I was and having to go to work full time. I work hard to be the very best nurse to these patients as I can be and while I don't necessarily go off on them, I can't actually enjoy my job and really be the kind of nurse these poor kids deserve. I'm squirming the entire time almost, just desparately wishing for the torture to be over. So, what normally is an enjoyable, easy job working with parents and kids that really like me feels like an endurance contest. They don't deserve that! I'm sad, angry, and so disappointed I let this happen, but the sickness just never wants to end!
Now that I don't have to prolong the suffering because of the fact I cancelled my responsiblilities, I can take Aimee's seraquil and God help me I hope I suffer most of the sickness in my sleep as I kick and thrash around in bed, but mercifully oblivious to the suffering, at least consciencly. And pray for me please that I will be well enough Thurs evening to be the kind of employee my patients and I deserve.
Hang in there
