kryalkastleE
Bluelighter
^^^^
tee hee good one.
"CORBY LUGGAGE: HIGH ON QUALITY"
tee hee good one.
"CORBY LUGGAGE: HIGH ON QUALITY"
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AADD Moderators: andyturbo
Sick, Twisted & Wrong Jokes - Part II
- Thread starter Pleonastic
- Start date
- Status
ian_strong
Bluelighter
apparently channel 7 have had complaints from viewers that there isnt enough black ppl on tv, so the are gonna show "crimestoppers" twice a week from now on..
A farmer in New Zealand buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover,
drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again," he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No" she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn".
Two Saudi Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of fermented goat's milk.
One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures, and they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son, Mohammed...he's a martyr. This
is my second son, Achmed. He is a martyr also."
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully, "They blow
up so fast, don't they?"
drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again," he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No" she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn".
Two Saudi Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of fermented goat's milk.
One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures, and they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son, Mohammed...he's a martyr. This
is my second son, Achmed. He is a martyr also."
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully, "They blow
up so fast, don't they?"
johnnybopbop
Bluelighter
whats the best thing about fucking a 6 year old girl?
turn her over and she's a 6 year old boy
turn her over and she's a 6 year old boy
keystroke
Bluelighter
Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...
The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."
"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"
"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."
The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."
"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"
"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."
keystroke
Bluelighter
and some more;
Q: Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature?
A: Because spray paint wasn't invented until 1949
Q: How do you starve a black man?
A: hide his foodstamps under his workboots.
Q: In Kentucky, what do divorces and tornados have in common.
A: Either way, someone is going to lose a trailer.
Q: Why do the Scottish wear kilts?
A: Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.
Q: Two abo's jump off the top of a very tall building. Which one his the ground first?
A: Who gives a fuck?
Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow-job?
A: You know she'll swallow
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?
A: Quarter pounder with cheese
Q: Why do black people smell?
A: So blind people can hate them too
Q: What did the little Mexican boy get for christmas?
A: My bike.
Q: What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?
A: A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven!
Q: Why do black people play basketball?
A: They can run, shoot, and steal
Q:What did Adolf Hitler get his neice for her birthday?
A: An easy bake oven
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian on a hunger strike?
A: Ethiopian
Q: How do you know when a redneck has her period?
A: She's only wearing one sock.
Q:Whats the difference between a pakie & a bucket of shit?
A:The bucket.
Q:What do you call a pakie with a wooden leg?
A:Shit on a stick.
Q:What do you call a pakie with two wooden legs?
A:A waste of wood.
Q: What do you call an ethiopian jumping off a cliff?
A: A chocolate drop.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico enter the Olympics?
A: Because all their best runners, jumpers and swimmers are in America.
Q: What was good about the million man march?
A: Only three people missed work
Q: What's the useless skin around a vagina called?
A: The woman.
Q: Do you wanna hear a joke?
A: Women's Rights
Q: Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature?
A: Because spray paint wasn't invented until 1949
Q: How do you starve a black man?
A: hide his foodstamps under his workboots.
Q: In Kentucky, what do divorces and tornados have in common.
A: Either way, someone is going to lose a trailer.
Q: Why do the Scottish wear kilts?
A: Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.
Q: Two abo's jump off the top of a very tall building. Which one his the ground first?
A: Who gives a fuck?
Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow-job?
A: You know she'll swallow
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?
A: Quarter pounder with cheese
Q: Why do black people smell?
A: So blind people can hate them too
Q: What did the little Mexican boy get for christmas?
A: My bike.
Q: What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?
A: A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven!
Q: Why do black people play basketball?
A: They can run, shoot, and steal
Q:What did Adolf Hitler get his neice for her birthday?
A: An easy bake oven
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian on a hunger strike?
A: Ethiopian
Q: How do you know when a redneck has her period?
A: She's only wearing one sock.
Q:Whats the difference between a pakie & a bucket of shit?
A:The bucket.
Q:What do you call a pakie with a wooden leg?
A:Shit on a stick.
Q:What do you call a pakie with two wooden legs?
A:A waste of wood.
Q: What do you call an ethiopian jumping off a cliff?
A: A chocolate drop.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico enter the Olympics?
A: Because all their best runners, jumpers and swimmers are in America.
Q: What was good about the million man march?
A: Only three people missed work
Q: What's the useless skin around a vagina called?
A: The woman.
Q: Do you wanna hear a joke?
A: Women's Rights
Living_life
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 24, 2005
- Messages
- 110
Q: What do you call a baby in a microwave?
A: I don't know, I was too busy batting off.
A: I don't know, I was too busy batting off.
Jimity
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 27, 2003
- Messages
- 3,135
Woman is having terrible stomach cramps for days and days. Finally, she decides to go to the doctor to get it checked out.
The doctor does all the normal blood and urine tests to see what the problem is, and tells her to come back in two weeks.
Two weeks later she comes back and the doctor says "Well, I've got your test results, and I hope you like changing nappies."
"Oh wonderful," beams the woman, "am I pregnant?"
"Nope, you've got bowel cancer."
The doctor does all the normal blood and urine tests to see what the problem is, and tells her to come back in two weeks.
Two weeks later she comes back and the doctor says "Well, I've got your test results, and I hope you like changing nappies."
"Oh wonderful," beams the woman, "am I pregnant?"
"Nope, you've got bowel cancer."
shorza
Bluelighter
What's red and sits in front of a mirror?
A baby thats used a potato peeler as a comb.
What's funnier than a baby with an axe through it's head?
Nothing.
A baby thats used a potato peeler as a comb.
What's funnier than a baby with an axe through it's head?
Nothing.
onetwothreefour
Bluelight Crew
Originally posted by Jimity
Woman is having terrible stomach cramps for days and days. Finally, she decides to go to the doctor to get it checked out.
The doctor does all the normal blood and urine tests to see what the problem is, and tells her to come back in two weeks.
Two weeks later she comes back and the doctor says "Well, I've got your test results, and I hope you like changing nappies."
"Oh wonderful," beams the woman, "am I pregnant?"
"Nope, you've got bowel cancer."
Woman is having terrible stomach cramps for days and days. Finally, she decides to go to the doctor to get it checked out.
The doctor does all the normal blood and urine tests to see what the problem is, and tells her to come back in two weeks.
Two weeks later she comes back and the doctor says "Well, I've got your test results, and I hope you like changing nappies."
"Oh wonderful," beams the woman, "am I pregnant?"
"Nope, you've got bowel cancer."
Naughtiest_Maximus
Bluelighter
A pacific cruise ship sinks leaving only 3 survivors, David,Daren and Daisy. They swim to a small deserted island and live there for a couple of years all the while doing what comes naturally. After a while Daisy feels bad about having sex with both David and Darren and racked with guilt decides to kill herself. Sad for David and Darren but they get over it and again nature takes it course. After a couple of more years the lads feel really bad about what they are doing.........
So they bury her.
So they bury her.
Definatley worth the read............
An Irish priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He
looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The
fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a
couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has
ever fished before, to which the priest says "No".
He baits the hook for the priest and says, "Give it a shot father.". After
a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it into
the boat. The fisherman catches a glimpse of it and says "Whoa, look at
the size of that fucker!"
The priest says, "Uh, please, the Lord is watching would you please mind
your language?"
"I'm sorry father," says the fisherman, thinking quickly, "but that's what
this fish is called - a fucker!"
"Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know," the priest replies.
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the
bishop.
"Look at this big fucker Bishop".
Shocked, the bishop says, "Please, mind your language; this is a house of God."
"No, you don't understand," explains the priest, "that's what this fish
is called, and I caught it. I caught this fucker!"
"Hmmm. You know, I could clean this fucker and we could have it for
dinner!" exclaims the bishop.
So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the Mother
Superior.
"Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
"My lord, what language!" she says.
"No, Sister, he explains "that's what the fish is called - a fucker!
Father caught the fucker, I cleaned the fucker, and we'd like you to cook the fucker."
Relieved, Mother Superior says, "Sure. I'll cook that fucker tonight."
That night, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they
all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it. "I caught the
fucker!" the priest cries proudly."
"And I cleaned the fucker!"cries the bishop.
"And I cooked the fucker!" finished the Mother Superior.
There's absolute silence, and the Pope stares at them for a minute with a
steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his hat, puts his
feet up on the table, lights up a joint, pours himself a large whisky and
says,"You know what? You cunts are alright."
An Irish priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He
looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The
fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a
couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has
ever fished before, to which the priest says "No".
He baits the hook for the priest and says, "Give it a shot father.". After
a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it into
the boat. The fisherman catches a glimpse of it and says "Whoa, look at
the size of that fucker!"
The priest says, "Uh, please, the Lord is watching would you please mind
your language?"
"I'm sorry father," says the fisherman, thinking quickly, "but that's what
this fish is called - a fucker!"
"Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know," the priest replies.
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the
bishop.
"Look at this big fucker Bishop".
Shocked, the bishop says, "Please, mind your language; this is a house of God."
"No, you don't understand," explains the priest, "that's what this fish
is called, and I caught it. I caught this fucker!"
"Hmmm. You know, I could clean this fucker and we could have it for
dinner!" exclaims the bishop.
So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the Mother
Superior.
"Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
"My lord, what language!" she says.
"No, Sister, he explains "that's what the fish is called - a fucker!
Father caught the fucker, I cleaned the fucker, and we'd like you to cook the fucker."
Relieved, Mother Superior says, "Sure. I'll cook that fucker tonight."
That night, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they
all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it. "I caught the
fucker!" the priest cries proudly."
"And I cleaned the fucker!"cries the bishop.
"And I cooked the fucker!" finished the Mother Superior.
There's absolute silence, and the Pope stares at them for a minute with a
steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his hat, puts his
feet up on the table, lights up a joint, pours himself a large whisky and
says,"You know what? You cunts are alright."
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