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AADD Moderators: andyturbo
Sick, Twisted & Wrong Jokes - Part II
- Thread starter Pleonastic
- Start date
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endlesseulogy
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 14, 2003
- Messages
- 2,831
^^ Classic
Not exactly sick but funny
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! It was soft, wonderful, and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him! "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy...you explain the kids."
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! It was soft, wonderful, and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him! "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy...you explain the kids."
che_melbourne
Bluelighter
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.
While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
i stole it off a website
'nuff said
While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
i stole it off a website
'nuff said
I bought a new lawn mower today, a ‘victor schapelle’, it holds 4kg of grass and its got a 20 year warranty, buy now and get a free boogie board…
I drove past Schapelle Corby's beauty salon down the coast the other day and there was a sign on the front door saying 'back in 20'
I drove past Schapelle Corby's beauty salon down the coast the other day and there was a sign on the front door saying 'back in 20'
Duckboy
Bluelighter
Okay - this one was told to me by an 81yo gent 
.....
An old bloke is over at his son's house, and while in the bathroom he spies some Viagra. "son", he says, "would you mind if i tried one of those?"
"well, they cost $10 each you know, but if you're willing to pay for it, sure."
the old man says thanks, and grabs one of the little blue pills.
2 days later and there's $110 in the son's letterbox from his dad. he rings the old man to see what's up.
"$10 from me, all right. the extra 100 is from your mother"
.....An old bloke is over at his son's house, and while in the bathroom he spies some Viagra. "son", he says, "would you mind if i tried one of those?"
"well, they cost $10 each you know, but if you're willing to pay for it, sure."
the old man says thanks, and grabs one of the little blue pills.
2 days later and there's $110 in the son's letterbox from his dad. he rings the old man to see what's up.
"$10 from me, all right. the extra 100 is from your mother"
I think your all going to groan at this, its so very very very good.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?
"The Lone Ranger said, "I do. Why?"
The cowboy said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is just
about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was about to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and said, "I want you to run around Silver
and see if you can create enough of a breeze to help cool him down"
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and begins running circles around Silver.
Unable to do anything except wait, the Lone Ranger returns to the bar to
finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse out side?"
The Lone Ranger stands and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says...
"Nothing, but you left your Injun running"
Beech out
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?
"The Lone Ranger said, "I do. Why?"
The cowboy said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is just
about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was about to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and said, "I want you to run around Silver
and see if you can create enough of a breeze to help cool him down"
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and begins running circles around Silver.
Unable to do anything except wait, the Lone Ranger returns to the bar to
finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse out side?"
The Lone Ranger stands and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says...
"Nothing, but you left your Injun running"
Beech out
Duckboy
Bluelighter
*groan*
thinkingwelfare
Bluelighter
I got a new lawn mower today,
Its called a COnvictAcorby
It holds 4 kg of grass
And comes with a 20 year gaureente hehe
Its called a COnvictAcorby
It holds 4 kg of grass
And comes with a 20 year gaureente
hehe
A man is walking through the jungle and he steps in quicksand.
He starts screaming for help, and miraculously someone hears his cries by the time he's up to his waist in quicksand.
"Please! Please help me out of here!"
"Ok, but you gotta suck my dick."
"Fuck no! I'd rather die! You fucking faggot!"
The would-be rescuer leaves, and the man continues his cry for help.
When he's up to his nipples, another man comes by.
"Please! Help me get out!"
"Ok, but you gotta let me fuck you up the arse."
"Get fucked! You fucking faggot!"
Once the man is up to his chin in quicksand, he is really getting desperate, and when a third man comes to answer his cries for help, he screams:
"Please! Help me out of here! I'll suck your dick! You can fuck me up the arse! Anything please!"
The other man looks at him, steps on his face and pushes him down into the quicksand.
"Fuckin' faggot."
NB: I am not a homophobe and have nothing against homosexuals. Just a joke I heard years ago. This passage also acts as a disclaimer for future racist/sexist/completely wrong jokes I may post. I do not share the views expressed in these jokes, but I have a sense of humour, and find them funny.
He starts screaming for help, and miraculously someone hears his cries by the time he's up to his waist in quicksand.
"Please! Please help me out of here!"
"Ok, but you gotta suck my dick."
"Fuck no! I'd rather die! You fucking faggot!"
The would-be rescuer leaves, and the man continues his cry for help.
When he's up to his nipples, another man comes by.
"Please! Help me get out!"
"Ok, but you gotta let me fuck you up the arse."
"Get fucked! You fucking faggot!"
Once the man is up to his chin in quicksand, he is really getting desperate, and when a third man comes to answer his cries for help, he screams:
"Please! Help me out of here! I'll suck your dick! You can fuck me up the arse! Anything please!"
The other man looks at him, steps on his face and pushes him down into the quicksand.
"Fuckin' faggot."
NB: I am not a homophobe and have nothing against homosexuals. Just a joke I heard years ago. This passage also acts as a disclaimer for future racist/sexist/completely wrong jokes I may post. I do not share the views expressed in these jokes, but I have a sense of humour, and find them funny.
Pop Popavich
Bluelighter
ian_strong
Bluelighter
the F.B.I. raided neverland today in micheals loungeroom they found class a drugs, in the kitchen they found class b drugs, and in the bedroom they found class 5C.
Duckboy
Bluelighter
^^ ?????????????????????? que'?
katmeow
Bluelight Crew
There's always room for more MJ jokes 
Why did Michael Jackson give $10 000 to Boyz II Men?
He thought it was a home delivery service.
Why did Michael Jackson give $10 000 to Boyz II Men?
He thought it was a home delivery service.
ian_strong
Bluelighter
loved it katmeow... i laughed i cried i cheered
katmeow
Bluelight Crew
When Shane Warne and Simone first got married Shane said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 10 years of marriage, Simone had never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 10th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash."
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash."
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