Smoky
Bluelight Crew
Hope you are hanging in there.
~ Smoky
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Should I kill myself?
- Thread starter Cameron Poe
- Start date
Journyman16
Bluelighter
You don't like Texans? :D
lazylazyjoe
Bluelighter
^ OT, but I once did a cable install for a lady who moved in from Texas. She told me she always keeps a gun in her purse.
So, I told her, 'You know, in NJ, you'll end up in prison for like 5 years for that.' And she responds, 'You can't carry a gun in your purse? How do you defend yourself. ' That was instant respect for Texans right there.
@OP: Why are you not allowed to get drunk and fuck hookers? If it gives you something to look forward to the weekend for, whynot? Especially if you're so starved for happiness.
So, I told her, 'You know, in NJ, you'll end up in prison for like 5 years for that.' And she responds, 'You can't carry a gun in your purse? How do you defend yourself. ' That was instant respect for Texans right there.
@OP: Why are you not allowed to get drunk and fuck hookers? If it gives you something to look forward to the weekend for, whynot? Especially if you're so starved for happiness.
Journyman16
Bluelighter
^ also OT - you didn't tell her you don't have a purse? :D
I'm not sure there isn't a moral stand to be taken in what we do for pleasure. Bugger Christianity and the other 'moral high-ground/swampy behaviour types, I mean morality and ethics based on positive outcomes or perhaps building a better self/world rather than pure indulgence.
It seems to me the indulgence route has had more than a fair shake at us and the world is worse now than I've ever seen and I'm 60 in a month. People are angry, people are scared, lonely and unhappy. The chase for 'Ooh Shiny!' seems not to have brought us to anything better than we had when we'd have to save up before we could get things, when banks were conveniences to store excess money (while we saved) rather than necessities so we can have NOW and pay later.
I've had my down times and spent 30+ years smoking multiple bongs almost every day - there were gaps when I couldn't score and that was about it. Now I vape every so often - would be a month since the last time (but plans for later today :D) - and I know probably the only reason I survived was dope - it kept me slow enough I could 'fit' and be a part of the crap world around me.
I'm not particularly moral - I've done many things I regretted when i looked back and hurt folk I didn't need to hurt, and who I became for doing those things took long years to forgive and deal with. I'm agnositc with a vengeance, but I have grown my own ethics and morals based on what I have done and experienced and those tell me, things like having a goal of getting drunk and fucking pros is not a healthy way to see life.
Two telling pints for me in the OP's words are
That search for the ideal partner based on a reality sold to us over the TV and movies is extremely destructive and as even a brief search on the web shows, those 'ideals' are mostly touched up and made to 'fit' some perfection thing that has nothing to do with reality. Instead they are 'designed' to trigger basic archetypes we have - red lips symbolise fertility, wide hips mean good childbearer, big boobs mean good mother and so on. All evolutionary triggers to help reproduction.
Cameron seems to be seeing only the outside of people, including himself. And THAT I think is the basic behind his depression - following behaviours that confirm such a view is unlikely to help him at all.
IMHO...
I'm not sure there isn't a moral stand to be taken in what we do for pleasure. Bugger Christianity and the other 'moral high-ground/swampy behaviour types, I mean morality and ethics based on positive outcomes or perhaps building a better self/world rather than pure indulgence.
It seems to me the indulgence route has had more than a fair shake at us and the world is worse now than I've ever seen and I'm 60 in a month. People are angry, people are scared, lonely and unhappy. The chase for 'Ooh Shiny!' seems not to have brought us to anything better than we had when we'd have to save up before we could get things, when banks were conveniences to store excess money (while we saved) rather than necessities so we can have NOW and pay later.
I've had my down times and spent 30+ years smoking multiple bongs almost every day - there were gaps when I couldn't score and that was about it. Now I vape every so often - would be a month since the last time (but plans for later today :D) - and I know probably the only reason I survived was dope - it kept me slow enough I could 'fit' and be a part of the crap world around me.
I'm not particularly moral - I've done many things I regretted when i looked back and hurt folk I didn't need to hurt, and who I became for doing those things took long years to forgive and deal with. I'm agnositc with a vengeance, but I have grown my own ethics and morals based on what I have done and experienced and those tell me, things like having a goal of getting drunk and fucking pros is not a healthy way to see life.
Two telling pints for me in the OP's words are
and
One says he KNOWS what feels good now isn't necessarily good in the long term and the other shows a view of women that tells me he really doesn't know himself (or like himself) enough to see humans for who they are.
That search for the ideal partner based on a reality sold to us over the TV and movies is extremely destructive and as even a brief search on the web shows, those 'ideals' are mostly touched up and made to 'fit' some perfection thing that has nothing to do with reality. Instead they are 'designed' to trigger basic archetypes we have - red lips symbolise fertility, wide hips mean good childbearer, big boobs mean good mother and so on. All evolutionary triggers to help reproduction.
Cameron seems to be seeing only the outside of people, including himself. And THAT I think is the basic behind his depression - following behaviours that confirm such a view is unlikely to help him at all.
IMHO...
Bomboclat
Bluelight Crew
If everyone thought this way there would be no artists. Never give up on your passions.
Journyman16
Bluelighter
I've always wondered about that connection, ever since I first read about Hemingway about 50 years back. Does debauchery make an artist or is it just something they do because they don't fit in the 'normal' world?
And 'passions' are one thing, but doing stuff that makes you feel crappy later might not qualify.
Smoky
Bluelight Crew
Isn't that the truth!
I think drugs, temporarily … and art saved my ass. I did them both for years to deal with suffering. Art a healthier outlet I imagine, but still…
I wonder if it can be a little of both … debauchery makes art, because artists don't feel like they fit into normal life, in so a way that debauchery is transcended.
I think drugs, temporarily … and art saved my ass. I did them both for years to deal with suffering. Art a healthier outlet I imagine, but still…
I wonder if it can be a little of both … debauchery makes art, because artists don't feel like they fit into normal life, in so a way that debauchery is transcended.
Cameron Poe
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 29, 2006
- Messages
- 32
OK so had a chat with my parents. Couldn't face it sober. Had six pints then spoke to them. Wasn't great. They've said they'll accept who ever I am and all that. But seems pretty crappy. Why should they have to accept it? It shouldn't even be a thing. They think I really don't like them it seems. Didn't think I'd been that much of an arsehole to them but seems I have. Anyway after we finished talking I left the house about 11pm. Went on a total bender. Spent what remained of my money. Drank loads. Gambled loads. Did a little bit of coke (two lines). Tried to buy more but lost the guy who was going to get it it.
Haven't been to work for two days. And haven't spoken to my boss despite him texting asking where I was. Think it's safe to say that job is gone.
Went to the doc's yesterday. She seemed pretty concerned for me. She's a good doc like, but only so much she can do. She now has me on 200mg Sertraline and 15mg diazepam a day. Can't see it doing much good tbh.
Haven't been to work for two days. And haven't spoken to my boss despite him texting asking where I was. Think it's safe to say that job is gone.
Went to the doc's yesterday. She seemed pretty concerned for me. She's a good doc like, but only so much she can do. She now has me on 200mg Sertraline and 15mg diazepam a day. Can't see it doing much good tbh.
Smoky
Bluelight Crew
I'm sorry to hear this happened, with your job and especially with your parents. Family is very very difficult sometimes to come to an understanding with. They can be the biggest trigger for me… and have really sent me off in the past… I've been not in your shoes, but a similar place
It's good you see there is only so much the doctor can do. How are you now? What do you plan to do?
It's good you see there is only so much the doctor can do. How are you now? What do you plan to do?
Cameron Poe
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 29, 2006
- Messages
- 32
No better. If I had some money I'd just disappear somewhere. But I have £12 cash and that's it.
Didn't go into work again today. So that's definitely all over. Even if it wasn't, it brings me no happiness at all. And working a job you hate when it's for no real purpose is just stupid as far as I can see. Fair enough if I enjoy the evenings or weekends but I don't. I will take the meds. See the doc in a week as planned. Maybe some counselling. All seems a bit pointless; can't see what they can do for me. Will try and work on my novel. I hear that's cathartic. Most likely, however, I'll just lie here listening to The Smiths or Nick Drake.
Erikmen
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- May 3, 2014
- Messages
- 20,707
With all of that, I would be really careful about losing a job. Their references and it could be bad for your future. Go to work and things will not get worse imo
Cameron Poe
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 29, 2006
- Messages
- 32
Not much point. I know I won't be able to drag myself out of bed tomorrow. And even if I somehow do, next week it won't happen. I hate my career and always have. It's just a job. Something pointless to pay the bills. But the only reason I'd care about having money is so I can buy drugs and sex. But if I go down that road then I end up fucking my job up again and again. I'm in no fit state to have a job really.
^ if you couldn't fail, what would be your dream job? what do you like to do?
life's not going to knock on your door and hand you what you want on a silver plate. you need to decide what you want and make a plan to make that happen. then execute it.
it's going to include challenges. there are going to be set backs but that's all part of the journey and will make it all the more gratifying and satisfying when you achieve your goals.
start small. create goals that you can achieve and set yourself up for success, not failure. maybe something like, i'm not going to have a drink tomorrow. i'm going to walk at least 3 miles and i'm going to spend at least an hour reading about career options and thinking about what i might do that i will enjoy and will pay me a living wage.
build from there.
alasdair
life's not going to knock on your door and hand you what you want on a silver plate. you need to decide what you want and make a plan to make that happen. then execute it.
it's going to include challenges. there are going to be set backs but that's all part of the journey and will make it all the more gratifying and satisfying when you achieve your goals.
start small. create goals that you can achieve and set yourself up for success, not failure. maybe something like, i'm not going to have a drink tomorrow. i'm going to walk at least 3 miles and i'm going to spend at least an hour reading about career options and thinking about what i might do that i will enjoy and will pay me a living wage.
build from there.
alasdair
we are beings who seek meaning in a universe without meaning, if this is so then it is only you that can cultivate meaning, and if this is so you have total authority over your immediate experience.
its often we feel trapped, we have ideas of what we think could work but feel they either wont work, cant happen, we feel we dont have the ability to choose.
the ability to choose is our greatest neurological ability as a member in natures highest order. it is by choice that we come to meaning, and its through meaning that we extradite ourselves out of our collective existential situation, it puts us in the direction to where we want to be. (under the theory every individual has a place the imagine they want to be)
VIktor Frankl elaborated on much of this kind of thinking, and i highly recommend you check it out if you have the time (which it seems you do)
i suggest you find a way of revealing the grief and the guilt of the past, find a way to come to make choices, and begin to develop your own meaning in this universe. no one can ultimately do that for you, this can feel like to much which i understand, often its like whats the point, but its those very thoughts that block this meaning path to fruition.
and ultimately i want to say, if you feel guilt for anything you did, vocalize it. and if you feel guilt for that which you did not do, then know its not your fault for not acting, society and culture doe very little to show how to liberate our selves and doe a lot to keep us from doing so, and forgive yourself.
we must engage. there is no other way, and the only way that keeps us from doing so is ourselves. find a community that believes, fosters, and encourages this. and above all else loves you for you, an individual among individuals.
its often we feel trapped, we have ideas of what we think could work but feel they either wont work, cant happen, we feel we dont have the ability to choose.
the ability to choose is our greatest neurological ability as a member in natures highest order. it is by choice that we come to meaning, and its through meaning that we extradite ourselves out of our collective existential situation, it puts us in the direction to where we want to be. (under the theory every individual has a place the imagine they want to be)
VIktor Frankl elaborated on much of this kind of thinking, and i highly recommend you check it out if you have the time (which it seems you do)
i suggest you find a way of revealing the grief and the guilt of the past, find a way to come to make choices, and begin to develop your own meaning in this universe. no one can ultimately do that for you, this can feel like to much which i understand, often its like whats the point, but its those very thoughts that block this meaning path to fruition.
and ultimately i want to say, if you feel guilt for anything you did, vocalize it. and if you feel guilt for that which you did not do, then know its not your fault for not acting, society and culture doe very little to show how to liberate our selves and doe a lot to keep us from doing so, and forgive yourself.
we must engage. there is no other way, and the only way that keeps us from doing so is ourselves. find a community that believes, fosters, and encourages this. and above all else loves you for you, an individual among individuals.
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Journyman16
Bluelighter
Here's something anyone can do - it gets right to the heart of what troubles us and lets it out.
Punch your mattress. Kneel on your bed, make 2 fists and start punching it. Don't stop and think it's stupid, just keep doing it. After a while the emotion comes forward and you'll find eventually there comes a release.
Give it a try, it costs nothing.
Mind you, if you have a thin foam mattress and wooden slats under it, you might want to fold the matress on the floor and do it there - don't want any broken hands... :D
Punch your mattress. Kneel on your bed, make 2 fists and start punching it. Don't stop and think it's stupid, just keep doing it. After a while the emotion comes forward and you'll find eventually there comes a release.
Give it a try, it costs nothing.
Mind you, if you have a thin foam mattress and wooden slats under it, you might want to fold the matress on the floor and do it there - don't want any broken hands... :D
Jackal
Bluelighter
I think if you felt you should, then you wouldn't need to ask a public forum.
I've never been suicidal, but I have been low at points in my life. Generally abrupt change and immersion in something - be it work, sport, hobbies, study, drugs, drink, sexual mania - anything - does the trick, and leads to changes in perspective which lead to better things.
I've never been suicidal, but I have been low at points in my life. Generally abrupt change and immersion in something - be it work, sport, hobbies, study, drugs, drink, sexual mania - anything - does the trick, and leads to changes in perspective which lead to better things.
Cameron Poe
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 29, 2006
- Messages
- 32
Yeah if I was going to actually do it, I wouldn't be writing this post. My last post on here was about suicide... it was in 2006. I don't have the balls to do it. It would just be nice, is all.
I can't really immerse myself in anything as I have nobody to do anything with and I have no money. I had £10 cash left (I have nothing in my bank, and loads of shit is going to bounce very shortly). I spent £5 on wine today. I'll do the same tomorrow. Then that's me absolutely flat broke.
I guess I could go to the library tomorrow and read a load of stuff. Not sure what good it will really do, but might as well give it a shot. My job is definitely gone now. And if that's all I've got to live for.... then fuck it. Why bother? I have the doc again on Tuesday. She has me on 15mg diazepam and 200mg sertraline. Will ask her to up that by quite a bit. That stuff isn't going to do anything unless I'm eating shitloads of it.
I think I'd quite like to just sit around in some shithole flat. Selling some drugs now and then. Taking as much as I sell. And just waste away. Working in a shitty office shifting numbers around is no better. And I have no chance of having a family/normal life etc so why go through the tedium and pretense?
I can't really immerse myself in anything as I have nobody to do anything with and I have no money. I had £10 cash left (I have nothing in my bank, and loads of shit is going to bounce very shortly). I spent £5 on wine today. I'll do the same tomorrow. Then that's me absolutely flat broke.
I guess I could go to the library tomorrow and read a load of stuff. Not sure what good it will really do, but might as well give it a shot. My job is definitely gone now. And if that's all I've got to live for.... then fuck it. Why bother? I have the doc again on Tuesday. She has me on 15mg diazepam and 200mg sertraline. Will ask her to up that by quite a bit. That stuff isn't going to do anything unless I'm eating shitloads of it.
I think I'd quite like to just sit around in some shithole flat. Selling some drugs now and then. Taking as much as I sell. And just waste away. Working in a shitty office shifting numbers around is no better. And I have no chance of having a family/normal life etc so why go through the tedium and pretense?
Journyman16
Bluelighter
I just posted this for someone else feeling out of things but it works. And do try to mattress thing I posted above. That works too.
Try volunteering at an old folks home or maybe at a place where special kids are looked after - you could drive the bus to take them places or read them stories or help with their sports days or serve meals in the cafeteria. Just give of yourself purely for the sake of others.
It may sound out of left field but it will help you feel good, feel better about yourself, and let you meet people different to those you currently run into. It will help you re-engage with the world around and you will treasure some of those moments till the day you die.
Try volunteering at an old folks home or maybe at a place where special kids are looked after - you could drive the bus to take them places or read them stories or help with their sports days or serve meals in the cafeteria. Just give of yourself purely for the sake of others.
It may sound out of left field but it will help you feel good, feel better about yourself, and let you meet people different to those you currently run into. It will help you re-engage with the world around and you will treasure some of those moments till the day you die.
Smoky
Bluelight Crew
Good point ^
I do these things sometimes, even though I don't want to… they actually help me .. and remind me of where I've been… Also, gets me out of myself, my thoughts - thinking process that can sabotage my life. I'm usually glad I do them after…
I do these things sometimes, even though I don't want to… they actually help me .. and remind me of where I've been… Also, gets me out of myself, my thoughts - thinking process that can sabotage my life. I'm usually glad I do them after…