Should I Cut Contact With Her?

[Munchkoala]

I had been in a relationship for two years with a girl from Europe. I live in Australia. I had a relapse, we had a fight, we broke up, she went back to Europe, and we were going to leave it at that.

No contact for about 15 days.

Then we established contact about 3 days ago and are talking like in a relationship again, albeit long distance - and the possibility of spending Christmas together.

This girl is a straighty-180. I have had a hefty drug habit on and off for half my life. I'm seeking treatment right now, and getting clean is something that only I can do on my own - that is obviously going to take time...months.

She has been supportive to an extent, but is over critical and uses my drug addiction against me when we argue, basically blaming nearly everything on me and my issues. She hides behinds her issues by blaming, and there is a weird kind of denial going on between us. It's not healthy, but I'm sure we could work on it.

Where there's a will there's a way. I can't lie, I still love this girl.

But, maybe I should just move on. There are more fish in the sea, right? And maybe I should just concentrate on getting better. I'm in two minds.

 

[Bearlove]

In a LDR the smallest of problems can be blown out of proportions so quickly - your relationship doesn't sound that solid anyway so the added distance is going to add more and more pressure on the pair of you.

Like you say it's not healthy and you can work on it but from a distance?

If you love her and you want it to work then go for it. Get it out in the open about how much her using your addictions against you pisses you off and get her issues out in the open also. If she is not willing to listen to you - cut your losses and move on with your life.

 

[LuGoJ]

Take a year off from serious relationships and spend all of that energy on working on yourself instead. You will thank me later.

 

[Shain77]

What LuGoJ said.. When your recovering the last thing you need is criticism of any kind. I lost my first marriage and failed in recovery from alcohol because of my ex was critical and we fought all the time. Let her go, if it's meant to be you will hook up again when your sober and healthy.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Concentrate on yourself, and getting/staying sober. Seriously take time off from everything else including relationships like LuGoJ said.

 

[Munchkoala]

Yeah... She says shit like "You left me first by using" and "I'll wait for you" ...

It's manipulative. I'm learning about my own denial, but I can see that she is actually in denial without realising it herself. It's a pretty classic example of a warped relationship due to one person being a user and the other being completely clean, not even touching alcohol.

It's tough. I'm getting all my emotions back. I'm feeling all kinds of love and resentment. But, at the same time, we both were talking about getting married, starting a life, having kids, etc.

I worked, paid all the bills and paid her way when she lived with me. She had no job. It's not like I get any points for that, I'm on minus because I have a drug problem.

I get distance during the day, due to time difference, but she sends me messages every night now. And I reply because I still feel like I'm in love with her.

I dunno. This shit is hard.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Yeah... She says shit like "You left me first by using" and "I'll wait for you" ...

It's manipulative. I'm learning about my own denial, but I can see that she is actually in denial without realising it herself. It's a pretty classic example of a warped relationship due to one person being a user and the other being completely clean, not even touching alcohol.

It's tough. I'm getting all my emotions back. I'm feeling all kinds of love and resentment. But, at the same time, we both were talking about getting married, starting a life, having kids, etc.

I worked, paid all the bills and paid her way when she lived with me. She had no job. It's not like I get any points for that, I'm on minus because I have a drug problem.

I get distance during the day, due to time difference, but she sends me messages every night now. And I reply because I still feel like I'm in love with her.

I dunno. This shit is hard.

Tell her how you want to remain friends; but how you are taking time to focus on yourself and get sober/clean. If she cares about you she will understand. Good luck.

 

[Munchkoala]

Take a year off from serious relationships and spend all of that energy on working on yourself instead. You will thank me later.

I could do that, but I would be in denial of my love. It would be bad for her too, I think. It's doable, I suppose, though.

Tell her how you want to remain friends; but how you are taking time to focus on yourself and get sober/clean. If she cares about you she will understand. Good luck.

I tried that. Said I wanted to remain friends. She said she didn't think that was healthy. It's like all or nothing for her.

We were a perfect match; we both have restless souls and wanted to travel before finding somewhere to settle down. The only real difference being my issues with drugs and her wanting to argue when I used.

Thanks for the luck, I'll need it.

In a LDR the smallest of problems can be blown out of proportions so quickly - your relationship doesn't sound that solid anyway so the added distance is going to add more and more pressure on the pair of you.

Like you say it's not healthy and you can work on it but from a distance?

If you love her and you want it to work then go for it. Get it out in the open about how much her using your addictions against you pisses you off and get her issues out in the open also. If she is not willing to listen to you - cut your losses and move on with your life.

I've tried a harder line and told her she has things to learn and work on. She kind of admits it, then does nothing about it. It's funny, because that's what I'm usually like with my drug issues. We are both restless souls, but get wrapped up in each others arms and don't let go when we're together. So, the relationship is solid in many ways, but she has alternate views on drugs which has pushed us apart when I have lapsed.

We both like this quote from Interstellar, which is pretty telling:

I can push her away, and I have done it before, or tried to at least. She is in my heart though. I'm a hopeless fool when it comes to love. The love is solid. The relationship has been strong at times, and rocky at other times.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Can you have a relationship with her, yet get into treatment/AA/NA, etc. to get and stay sober and clean?

 

[Munchkoala]

Can you have a relationship with her, yet get into treatment/AA/NA, etc. to get and stay sober and clean?

Yes, I believe we can have a relationship while I am getting treatment. I've been told not to hedge my recovery on another person, so I am giving myself the aim of moving to Europe and find work, a place to live, and a new life in general. I know the whole geographical thing doesn't work, but there is a lot in it for me to do this.

One issue is that many long-terms won't allow mobile phones for months or any contact with the outside world, getting yourself indoctrinated into the recovery life-style. So, I/we may have to deal with not talking for a while, depending on where I go for treatment.

We both say our love will never fade, but a lot could happen in the time we spend apart. It's going to test us, test our commitment, and make actions speak louder than words. I can't say I'm ready to let go of contact with the one I love, though - even for a few weeks/months. My desire to be with her is a driving factor in my recovery, how ever I look at it.

I'm on dangerous ground and I have to tread carefully.

 

[Vados]

Fighting/recovering from a drug addiction. Communication compromised. LDR spanning across several countries and bodies of water.

You understand that the odds weigh heavy against you? If you were six months to a year sober and haven't relapsed, parted on good terms and just got into a bad fight, and she had an actual flight plan in place to return, then I'd say try to make things work.

Now I see this situation as a chance for you to back up a bit, and work on yourself. I would make use of the opportunity and let her go. I understand you love her, which is why it so unfortunate.

 

[nygiants1313]

I had been in a relationship for two years with a girl from Europe. I live in Australia. I had a relapse, we had a fight, we broke up, she went back to Europe, and we were going to leave it at that.

No contact for about 15 days.

Then we established contact about 3 days ago and are talking like in a relationship again, albeit long distance - and the possibility of spending Christmas together.

This girl is a straighty-180. I have had a hefty drug habit on and off for half my life. I'm seeking treatment right now, and getting clean is something that only I can do on my own - that is obviously going to take time...months.

She has been supportive to an extent, but is over critical and uses my drug addiction against me when we argue, basically blaming nearly everything on me and my issues. She hides behinds her issues by blaming, and there is a weird kind of denial going on between us. It's not healthy, but I'm sure we could work on it.

Where there's a will there's a way. I can't lie, I still love this girl.

But, maybe I should just move on. There are more fish in the sea, right? And maybe I should just concentrate on getting better. I'm in two minds.

The only reason to put up with a girl like that is if your getting awesome sex and countless blowjobs. Seeing you guys live on different continents I can not even begin to fathom why you are wasting your life on this one

good luck ��

 

[rast4man]

I'm in something of a similar situation. The component that is different is the LDR, so I can't share anything on that. What I can say though, is that my girlfriend and I have the same rocky relationship and drugs were involved. We are living together now but the majority if signs that it is nearing the end, are here. We broke up, got back together and drugs helped destroy what we had. We both used to say how we would never leave the other but I am learning that just because you love someone, that doesn't guarantee you will remain together. Sad reality as I am a hopeless romantic and I love her very much but I need to work on myself right now and figure out what I need to change. I'm afraid that her and I are toxic together. I hope your heart guides you and you find your answer in your journey.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

She has been supportive to an extent, but is over critical and uses my drug addiction against me when we argue, basically blaming nearly everything on me and my issues. She hides behinds her issues by blaming, and there is a weird kind of denial going on between us.

This sounds a little bit unhealthy.. like you both blame and judge each other unfairly.

You say you love her but in the same sentence, there are more fish in the sea?

 

[Maya]

I had been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend and we are now living together. He was very supportive, and in no way shape or form has used my drug habits against me. He was there from the beginning to the end of my recovery period. IMO, if you see that your distance is not a hindrance to your relationship, and you really see a future together and you will be moving in soon then yes, do continue with the relationship, but if it's only emotionally draining you I don't think you should pursue it.

 

[Munchkoala]

The only reason to put up with a girl like that is if your getting awesome sex and countless blowjobs. Seeing you guys live on different continents I can not even begin to fathom why you are wasting your life on this one

good luck ��

The relationship is full of awesome sex and countless blowjobs.

Fighting/recovering from a drug addiction. Communication compromised. LDR spanning across several countries and bodies of water.

You understand that the odds weigh heavy against you? If you were six months to a year sober and haven't relapsed, parted on good terms and just got into a bad fight, and she had an actual flight plan in place to return, then I'd say try to make things work.

Now I see this situation as a chance for you to back up a bit, and work on yourself. I would make use of the opportunity and let her go. I understand you love her, which is why it so unfortunate.

Well considering my drug addiction has spanned across several continents, there is no reason why my recovery should not span across several continents. I am clean now.

Thanks.

I'm in something of a similar situation. The component that is different is the LDR, so I can't share anything on that. What I can say though, is that my girlfriend and I have the same rocky relationship and drugs were involved. We are living together now but the majority if signs that it is nearing the end, are here. We broke up, got back together and drugs helped destroy what we had. We both used to say how we would never leave the other but I am learning that just because you love someone, that doesn't guarantee you will remain together. Sad reality as I am a hopeless romantic and I love her very much but I need to work on myself right now and figure out what I need to change. I'm afraid that her and I are toxic together. I hope your heart guides you and you find your answer in your journey.

I believe I already have the answer. It involves love, care and respect.

This sounds a little bit unhealthy.. like you both blame and judge each other unfairly.

You say you love her but in the same sentence, there are more fish in the sea?

Yes, there are always more fish in the sea. Only I am interested in this particular fish and have rejected the advanced of all other fish since we have been in a relationship.

I had been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend and we are now living together. He was very supportive, and in no way shape or form has used my drug habits against me. He was there from the beginning to the end of my recovery period. IMO, if you see that your distance is not a hindrance to your relationship, and you really see a future together and you will be moving in soon then yes, do continue with the relationship, but if it's only emotionally draining you I don't think you should pursue it.

She has been there for me in many ways from caring for me when I was sick, to making me brekkie before I went to work, to making me dinner. This girl is a catch and I can't see myself letting go of her, nor her of me. I believe her when she says she loves me more than anything and wants a life with me, with me clean.

Thanks

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

^ Lots of pros there.

Seems like you love her dearly and do not want to cut contact with her.

 

[Munchkoala]

^ Lots of pros there.

Seems like you love her dearly and do not want to cut contact with her.

Yeah. I can be a real asshole and she can be a bitch. Such is humanity and life, really. In the midst of addiction, I think it's easy to forget this and lose track of rational thinking.

I've been in relationships before, one for 5 years, where I just haven't felt the love. This time feels different.

So I guess Christmas and New Years will be spent traveling in Europe. I've been stuck in worse places in my life, that's for sure.

All relationships go through hell. Real relationships go through it.

 

[MrCookiE]

You've got a habit, she aint!

Until you get rid of your habit your relationship will be messed up and she's always gona blame you.

Make one decision and stick with it.

What do you want more, drugs or a girl???

What are you gona have a better time with???

 

[Munchkoala]

You've got a habit, she aint!

Until you get rid of your habit your relationship will be messed up and she's always gona blame you.

Make one decision and stick with it.

What do you want more, drugs or a girl???

What are you gona have a better time with???

You're right, m8.

There always seems to be a blame game going on in her mind.

Making decision now.

Hmmmm. Gee, it's a tough one ... let me think

I choose her