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Should I call or give her space?

Yeah... exactly. I'm entirely in the dark right now as to what's going on. My instinct is telling me that it's too painful for her to talk to me right now, but instincts are hardly right 100% of the time which is why I really just want to know what she's thinking/feeling. Even if she randomly decided she hates me and doesn't want anything to do with me, honestly that would be better than sitting in limbo.

However, I decided not to call her so won't be able to let you guys know how it plays out yet. I'm going to try and give her at least a whole week without me trying to contact her. If she still doesn't reach out, then I will most definitely call her, and call her out on her shit.

Otherwise for now I'm just going to change my desktop background (picture of us), stop looking at her Facebook, take off the necklace she gave me and basically stick everything she's ever given me or anything I would associate with her in a box out of site. Out of site and hopefully out of mind, is the plan. I simply don't know how it's playing out, and more importantly I don't know how I'm even going to feel myself in a week. The only thing I know is I don't want constant reminders of her because as it is she's the first thing I think about when I wake up, the last thing I think about before falling asleep, and the vast majority of what I think about in between. I'm starting to get past the emotional aspect and I'm not super depressed anymore, but I just can't stop the thoughts with the current situation and the not knowing. So anyway, I'll post an update if and when I talk to her - and thanks, I appreciate the advice from all of you. Off to go stick all the constant reminders in a box somewhere.
 
caseface99 said:
^^ Yeah I kinda realized how backwards that comment was after I posted and Since the server change can't edit posts anymore. I already said in one of my posts that I know I can't control the situation, but then I made a hypocritical comment about trying to do just that. Anyway, point is I do realize that.

Now I guess I am on the fence... Maybe I won't call her. It's going to take every fucking shred of strength inside me not to do it though. I made it so fucking easy for her and did my absolute best not to cause HER any pain when this all went down. I NEVER would have been so easy going about it had I know this is what she was going to do, and honestly I feel like I've been conned and I guess above all, even above getting an answer, I want to let her know how she has made me feel - I avoided doing that initially not to hurt her and frankly so that THIS wouldn't happen. Now that it's happened anyway, I want to explain exactly how I feel.... However I do realize that I should probably do some meditating on my motives for wanting to tell her. -.-
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I totally understand...I'm glad you realized that it was a little contradictory..I still think you are holding on too tight though dear but I am glad that you feel that you are making some progress.

Also, you guys, if you want to use the "edit" or "quote" buttons then just right click on them and then click on "open in a new tab", then jump over to the new tab and continue there..its a little bit of a pain but you can still use them by going that route...just thought I would let you all know.
 
My original comment was made before I knew that the person was still active on facebook etc. If she is simply ignoring you for whatever her reasons are (after discussing that she wan't to break) then I would simply give her what she wants.
 
missmeyet? said:
I totally understand...I'm glad you realized that it was a little contradictory..I still think you are holding on too tight though dear but I am glad that you feel that you are making some progress.

Also, you guys, if you want to use the "edit" or "quote" buttons then just right click on them and then click on "open in a new tab", then jump over to the new tab and continue there..its a little bit of a pain but you can still use them by going that route...just thought I would let you all know.
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Thanks for the edit/quote tip.

And I know I'm holding on a bit tight but that's probably because she never said the words "I'm breaking up with you", and instead said tons of words about how she still loves me to death, that neither of us screwed up so it's not like things will ever be awkward between us, I'm still really important to her, she still wants to talk to me and doesn't want this to be the last time we see/hug/kiss each other and so many other things like that. If what she WANTED was to be totally broken up for good she should have said that. If what she wanted was a week or two to figure things out, she should have said that. If what she wanted was for me to never contact her again, she should have said that. Whatever the fuck it is she wants right now, she should tell me - before i get into whether or not it's right or wrong again which I'm already starting to do, the point is i know i'm probably holding on a bit tightly but she has a big part in that in terms of how things were left and honestly i don't care anymore. If she needs space then she can tell me when I call her either later today or tomorrow. I changed my mind, I'm not waiting another week and giving her the chance to feel absolutely no emotion if she's planning on telling me something she doesn't think I'll want to hear. If she's going to just walk away and forget about me, call it a malicious motive if you want but there's no way I'm just letting her do that without feeling exactly what she's doing and has done to me. I'm not going to say anything to hurt her on purpose but I have just as much of a right to say or do what and how I feel in this situation as she does - I'm done letting her have total control right now.
 
there is no right or wrong answer to this situation case. break ups arent easy, and you are going to do what you feel you need to to get closure. good luck and keep us updated.

...kytnism...:|
 
I think this thread is starting to get like beating a dead horse.
I understand that you are upset/hurt/confused etc. and you keep saying that you don't understand what happened, and you need answers and just what the fuck.

But clear as day, in your first post you said
-things went good for a while, till last week - She said she couldn't do it anymore.
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Why are you so hung up on her saying
- her feelings haven't changed, she still loves me, and doesn't want to break up with me.
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and not so much on the fact that she also said she couldn't do "this" anymore?

As I said in my first post- leave her alone. She's clearly confused as to what she wants---- and if she's teetering back and forth on how she feels----- and keeps getting obnoxious messages from you---- or not even obnoxious------ just ALOT of crazy messages.... she's going to feel smothered. Let her be.
 
3 simple messages in 10 days isn't ALOT, and none were crazy or asking her anything about whats going on.

But that's besides the point - You're right about this thread beating a dead horse. I don't have much else to say until I do talk to her, and until then I'm not gonna keep posting the same shit over and over as you pointed out. If and when I talk with her I'll update this otherwise I'm done. Thanks for the advice/support everyone.
 
So I got some closure.. sort of. Not really actually, still have most of the same questions, but it's close enough that I'm able to move on.

I went to a lecture at a buddhist zen center this morning. The topic was love. (I had no idea before hand) And afterwords, a discussion about forgiveness (go figure..).
I learned, from a buddhist perspective - The difference between love and selfish love, and got a lot of perspective on things. Such as the fact that love is never trying to force anybody to do anything, no matter how minuscule it may seem.

So my plan was to call her today, and i had written down a bunch of points i wanted to say whether to her or in a voicemail. I had my phone on her name, was halfway towards pushing down on send, and I stopped - I realized that if I call her right now, I am putting her on the spot, and forcing her to make a split decision of whether or not to answer, and leave her intimidated and flustered if she does. This would have been incredibly selfish of me to do, knowing that she quite obviously needs space - regardless of anything she has done to me, it's completely irrelevant when deciding on my own actions.

So instead, I sent her an iMessage to her laptop. I basically got rid of everything i had previously wanted to say and wrote something that came from a place of complete compassion and kindness, wishing her well while asking her to simply let me know if she needs space and time to figure things out. I won't post my message, because it was a little long, however here is her response:

Thank you for respecting my boundaries and not calling. I am okay and I am safe but I need to do my own thing right now. I need space. I need room to just live my life out here in Santa Cruz and explore. I mean eventually we can talk and be friends but we broke up and there needs to be space after that event yanno? I’ve grabbed ahold of my friends and my fellowship and I’m living my life. I suggest you do the same or at least something similar. I can’t promise you anything and I never promised you anything when we broke up. My hope is that you learn how to live your life for yourself and do your own thing too. Make new friends and expand your fellowship and LIVE. That’s what I’m doing. I wish nothing but the best for you and I’ll always care for you, but I don’t know what the future holds and I’m doing the best I can to just put myself and my desires and dreams and goals first.
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Too which I simply replied:
Thank you. That’s exactly what I’ve been doing too, and I wish you the best as well. I realize now that I missed my chance to say anything that i may have wanted to say last time we saw each other, but that’s on me and I’m ok with that. I won’t try to contact you again unless you do so first. And with that, I’ll leave you with a quote... “There is no path to happiness. Happiness IS the path.” Meditate on that. Bye Jackie, I’ll never forget you.
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We used to have a lot of philosophical/spiritual discussions, so I figured she would appreciate the quote especially while having a hard time in her life.
Basically everything is still entirely open ended and while I still feel like she has gone back on a LOT of what she said the last time we saw her, considering she never broke up with me entirely it was a "break" - but as i said before it's irrelevant and if i had handled the situation any differently then I know would have been ruining any chance of seeing her ever again.

So thank you guys, so much - for your support and advice on this. Had I not gotten input from others I very well may have said something that i regretted, and while It's still far from ideal I feel like I am now able to accept things and move on.
 
Hello. I want to know more about your post. I will always go to your post so i will be updated about this. And by the way, sorry for not giving an advice because they said all the things in my mind. Very the same thoughts. But, all I can say is good luck. Keep us updated please.
 
Thanks, I really do love her and want whats best for her. Clearly being in a long distance relationship at this time was not what was best for her, regardless of how much we love each other and how perfect we are together. If she needs space because she still loves me and it's too painful to pretend everything is ok when it's not, then so be it. It may be painful, but it would be selfish of me to try to change her mind.

In the mean time, I'm doing me. Diving head first into my recovery program and fellowship, grabbing on to anyone and everyone i have potential to be friends with, focusing on my physical fitness and spirituality as well as will be doing school starting tuesday. I was doing none of these things before we broke up, mostly because the break up left me with two choices - sit around miserable and depressed forever or fucking live my life. Not just live my life, but PARTICIPATE in my own life.

I'm glad i made the right choice. :)
 
caseface99 said:
and T.c yeah I am kinda pissed about it, but I'm trying my best not to jump to any conclusions because truthfully I don't know what she's thinking... I'm hoping that if she does answer the phone I'll be able to appeal to the part of her that still loves me and convince her to have a frank and honest conversation with me. We'll see. No matter how it goes, at least I will have tried, right? I'm not just going to walk away and forget about her without trying.

(can't edit since the merge...)
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Wow, am absolutely floored with admiration for you while reading this. You sound like an amazing person, I think you could write this in a text/message/letter to her, as it really shows just how balanced and strong you are.
I mean tbh, this really is the definition of what a man is/should be imo.
Wish you the best of luck with whatever happens and hold you're head high because by the sound of it, you really have earned your self-respect.

<3
 
^^ Look a few posts up and you will see that I decided against calling her in order to respect her wishes and not selfishly put her on the spot. Sent her an iMessage via computer instead. Posted her response, and my final response to hers. If you're interested in reading the initial message i sent her PM me. :)

Thanks for the encouragement about how I've handled this by the way. I guess I didn't realize how much I may actually be developing self respect since getting sober. Not just self respect, or even respect for others - but been reading a lot about loving-kindness towards myself and others.
 
Remember for the future, actions speak LOUDER than words.... but I'm glad she finally gave you the words to back up her actions so you can finally move forward without question.
 
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