Should I be offended by my friend's behavior?

[xxJuliexx]

I've only known him for a year, but my friend is known for being "crazy" that's how he's labeled. He has Bipolar disorder, and he has a bad history. He always told me all of his problems, and everything that went on in his life, etc. He doesn't admit it, but he's definitely an alcoholic, and he does admit he does Cocaine. But his one friend says he doesn't do it often, but I don't buy that.

Addiction wise, that's all I know about him, but he changed recently. He is very distant with me, like I have to be the one to text him and he is just kinda rude with me. Quick with me also. Everyone keeps telling me he's doing bad, cause he's going through all this custody battle with his ex, and she doesn't want him around her baby etc. He lvoes that baby to death, but he is seeing the baby, but I guess it's not going the way he wants it. Which is another problem I helped him through, and he told me all about that all the time and gave me updates on his battle with that. So when I texted him "How are you?" He replied "Good" he's lying and he won't tell me what's going on.

He is more mean, and he seems to be acting this way towards everyone, but he seems to be little nicer to people more than me. On Facebook he posted pics and he looks terrible. He looks different. I don't mean that in a mean way, I honestly mean that like he's partying way too much and doing drugs kind of way. He is known for partying, and doing coke all night, and going on benders. I just care a lot about my friend, and I don't know if he is on something else? Or can cocaine do this?

Anyways, a lot of people are shocked that I am even friends with him and that I even talk to him. What people don't understand is that I am a non judgemental person, and I care for people a lot. I really do love him as a friend, and even though he does have psychological issues, and is an alcoholic, I care a lot about him. I am hurt that he is distant, and rude to me. I never did anything to him, I have always helped him out, and I helped him through his problems etc. He doesn't insult me or anything he's just rude in the sense, like he doesn't want to talk to me, and he seems disinterested in me, and has a attitude. I always showed him my loyalty as a friend to him and he always seemed to appreciate that.

I just don't know if I should take it personally? Or if he is down deep in drugs? Does Cocaine do this? He just all of sudden the past 3 months seems like he wants nothing to do with me, and I am hurt badly by this. What's your take on this? Should I be offended? Please inform me, thank you.

 

[treezy z]

people with bi-polar can be horrible to be around when they're doing bad, like stab you in the back and shit, could be either that or the drugs.

 

[sekio]

OD --> second opinion

My advice is: don't hang out with people who don't appreciate your time. You can spend ages trying to build bridges but if he doesn't want to cooperate then it's a wasted effort.

 

[bluephoenix]

Sometimes you just need to cut people off. This may sound cruel but it doesn't sound like your friend is doing you any favors. I've met drug people who are fine and some that are scumbags, it is up to the individual. Don't let other people drag you down. I'm not trying to be harsh but when I'm around people like this I cut them out of my life like I'm blowing my nose. Don't think about it, don't stress about it, don't tell anyone you're doing it, just quick, clean and decisive. If by some chance he gets in touch with you and seems to be doing better, then great, that's wonderful. In the meantime enjoy your life on your terms.

 

[T. Calderone]

I know when I was using I had little patience for friends that weren't using along with me. Don't take it as an insult, it's part of addiction. Being bipolar just makes it worse. You might hear from him when he needs a shoulder to cry on, but don't hold your breath. He needs help and it's up to him whether he gets it or not.

 

[treezy z]

He doesn't insult me or anything he's just rude in the sense, like he doesn't want to talk to me, and he seems disinterested in me, and has a attitude. I always showed him my loyalty as a friend to him and he always seemed to appreciate that.

he's not your friend, he's taking what he can get out of you and giving nothing in return.

 

[xxJuliexx]

Sometimes you just need to cut people off. This may sound cruel but it doesn't sound like your friend is doing you any favors. I've met drug people who are fine and some that are scumbags, it is up to the individual. Don't let other people drag you down. I'm not trying to be harsh but when I'm around people like this I cut them out of my life like I'm blowing my nose. Don't think about it, don't stress about it, don't tell anyone you're doing it, just quick, clean and decisive. If by some chance he gets in touch with you and seems to be doing better, then great, that's wonderful. In the meantime enjoy your life on your terms.

Yeah, I understand. Thank you for commenting! I just don't want to lose my friend, but I see what you are saying. Thanks.

people with bi-polar can be horrible to be around when they're doing bad, like stab you in the back and shit, could be either that or the drugs.

I've heard of that, but yeah, he is not really known for being a good person. I just care a lot about him though. But thanks for commenting!

I know when I was using I had little patience for friends that weren't using along with me. Don't take it as an insult, it's part of addiction. Being bipolar just makes it worse. You might hear from him when he needs a shoulder to cry on, but don't hold your breath. He needs help and it's up to him whether he gets it or not.

Interesting! Yeah, I agree whole heartedly. He does need help and it is up to him. I just am saddened that he seems to want nothing to do with me, and I know what to do, I know that if someone wants nothing to do with you that you just have to move on, but it still hurts. Cause I care about him a lot. But thank you so much for commenting.

 

[T. Calderone]

I know it hurts your feelings Julie. I had a friend tell me "you've changed" Because I did, but that didn't stop me from continuing my downward spiral. I alienated myself from lots of friends, co-workers and family members. Once I got clean, it was too late because many people wanted nothing to do with me. It's a tough lesson but he will have to learn this one on his own, when he's ready.

 

[Soliele]

I would talk to your friend and voice my concern. He may not see what he is turning into and maybe kind words from the only person still reaching out to him is what he needs. As someone with mental illness, I often used to ignore my friends when I didn't "need" them, well needless to say no one stuck around long for that. The one guy who kept texting, even just to say hi and make sure I was alive, gave me a lot of hope and when I lifted myself out of the hole, I thanked him profusely for not giving up on me even though he probably should have.

On the other hand, if you've told him you're worried he's headed the wrong way, told him he's "not looking well" (PLEASE don't say something like "you look like shit, dude", sounds funny but many people think that's tough love) and generally said that you're worried and he shows no interest in wanting to help himself or even just be nicer to YOU if he doesn't want to clean his own act up, then he may not belong in your life anymore. You have to decide the limits, but drug/alcohol use, mental problems, or other problems don't give someone a free pass to treat you how they like.

 

[Albion]

My advice is: don't hang out with people who don't appreciate your time. You can spend ages trying to build bridges but if he doesn't want to cooperate then it's a wasted effort.

I can't stress enough how true this is. Friendships are a two way thing, like a relationship. Usually if one party is putting in more effort than the other, it's not going to be sustainable. And it can be difficult to get someone to feel as enthusiastic as you do if they're not doing so intuitively already. I'm sure drugs have impacted your friend's attitude to some degree, but if he doesn't look like he's getting clean anytime soon, then things are not going to change.

 

[subutex_junkie]

Interesting! Yeah, I agree whole heartedly. He does need help and it is up to him. I just am saddened that he seems to want nothing to do with me, and I know what to do, I know that if someone wants nothing to do with you that you just have to move on, but it still hurts. Cause I care about him a lot. But thank you so much for commenting.

I had a good friend on heroin who would also be distant and stuff, really, you can try talking to him, that could maybe at least clear some stuff up but you mainly can just wait, hope for the best and either he'll finally get it and you can be real friends again or he doesn't and you guys will have to drift apart.

As someone with mental illness, I often used to ignore my friends when I didn't "need" them, well needless to say no one stuck around long for that. The one guy who kept texting, even just to say hi and make sure I was alive, gave me a lot of hope and when I lifted myself out of the hole, I thanked him profusely for not giving up on me even though he probably should have.

^^^I'm guilty of doing the same during periods of depression and really, having a good friend who still checks in just to see if you're okay, even though you haven't talked in a while can really help, it personally did for me. I'm guessing you two don't talk as much as you did before? You'll probably just have to go with it and like I said, maybe still text or something once in a great while to see if he's okay but besides that, nothing you can really do man.

 

[xxJuliexx]

I would talk to your friend and voice my concern. He may not see what he is turning into and maybe kind words from the only person still reaching out to him is what he needs. As someone with mental illness, I often used to ignore my friends when I didn't "need" them, well needless to say no one stuck around long for that. The one guy who kept texting, even just to say hi and make sure I was alive, gave me a lot of hope and when I lifted myself out of the hole, I thanked him profusely for not giving up on me even though he probably should have.

On the other hand, if you've told him you're worried he's headed the wrong way, told him he's "not looking well" (PLEASE don't say something like "you look like shit, dude", sounds funny but many people think that's tough love) and generally said that you're worried and he shows no interest in wanting to help himself or even just be nicer to YOU if he doesn't want to clean his own act up, then he may not belong in your life anymore. You have to decide the limits, but drug/alcohol use, mental problems, or other problems don't give someone a free pass to treat you how they like.

That's very interesting! Thank you for your advice. I am glad you got out that dark hole But I think I will just send him a text saying "Hey I am here if you need me, I will always be your friend" type of text, lol. Something along those lines, but I won't bring anything up about his appearance, cause I am not that type of person, but not only that he was always called ugly growing up by his parents and friends, and people would joke about his appearance, which broke my heart, cause I was thinking how cruel can people be? And his own parents? I was just disgusted. But I think I will just send him "I am here for you, and I will always care about you" type text. I can't really understand why he wouldn't want me in his life anymore, considering that I helped him out all the time, and I was appositive in his life etc. But whatever the circumstances are with him, I just want him to at least know I care a lot about him, and weather he cares or not, I just want him to know that. Thank you!

I can't stress enough how true this is. Friendships are a two way thing, like a relationship. Usually if one party is putting in more effort than the other, it's not going to be sustainable. And it can be difficult to get someone to feel as enthusiastic as you do if they're not doing so intuitively already. I'm sure drugs have impacted your friend's attitude to some degree, but if he doesn't look like he's getting clean anytime soon, then things are not going to change.

Yeah, I see! I am too much of a giver, and a helper, but I have to let him go, if he doesn't want to be a part of my life and doesn't want to be around me etc. I am just going to send him a text saying I am here for him, but weather he cares or not, I just want him to know that I do care a lot about him regardless. But thank you! I do agree with what you are saying.

I had a good friend on heroin who would also be distant and stuff, really, you can try talking to him, that could maybe at least clear some stuff up but you mainly can just wait, hope for the best and either he'll finally get it and you can be real friends again or he doesn't and you guys will have to drift apart.

^^^I'm guilty of doing the same during periods of depression and really, having a good friend who still checks in just to see if you're okay, even though you haven't talked in a while can really help, it personally did for me. I'm guessing you two don't talk as much as you did before? You'll probably just have to go with it and like I said, maybe still text or something once in a great while to see if he's okay but besides that, nothing you can really do man.

No we haven't talked in 3 months. We would text here and there within the 3 months, but no we haven't actually talked on the phone in 3 months. Thank you so much for your advice! I truly do appreciate it! I will just send him a text saying I care for him and hope for the best, but he doesn't want me in his life, I will respect that, but I will never understand why. I am left with so much confusion as to why he wants nothing to do with me all of a sudden, and I am just really worried, scared, and saddened by all of this, but I guess there else I can do. Thanks again!

 

[alasdairm]

i think you should focus less on whether you feel you should be offended by it and focus on whether you actually are offended by it. own your feelings, and go from there.

alasdair

 

[Soliele]

Yes, I do not think it has anything to do with you and, though it hurts that your friend has just dropped you with no explanation, that reflects more on him than you.

I definitely didn't mean call him anything close to ugly lol! I mean kind of more along the lines of maybe inquire about his health, that's a good way to kind of ask about the drugs and stuff without actually doing so. You could say he's seemed a little down or more depressed lately, or mention he doesn't seem interested in hanging out or talking anymore and you just wanted to ask if everything was okay? You don't have to use appearance. It's just a way to get him to volunteer some information, you could use whatever you think he'd respond best to. He may not be willing to offer details, but if you show a little interest it might get him to start talking. He may think no one cares, honestly, even if you have told him you care. I thought plenty of times "They are just being nice to me because they've known me so long and I'm in such horrible shape. They just pity me." and I didn't want that. That guy that got through to me, he made clear that he was there for me and asked what was going on with me, how are my parents, my job, etc etc. kind of to the point it got annoying at the time, honestly lol. I am so grateful for it now, but If he just said "Hey, hope you're okay." I probably would have ignored it, as shitty a thing that is to do to someone who cares about you.

Of course you have to choose how much you want to commit yourself to still helping this guy if he hasn't really responded to you much and it hurts your feelings. I notice guys are very slow to just say something is upsetting them or tell someone what they're doing hurts their feelings and some aren't good at picking up when they're doing it. TL;DR: I guess I'm saying be clear not just that you care, but that it hurts you as a longtime friend that it seems like he doesn't want you in his life, and then set your limits for how you want to interact with him in the future. If you want him to feel free to come to you if he needs to then say that and leave it at that.

Chances are exhausting yourself trying to get through to him won't help much. But if you want to seem more concerned to him (I think all of us here see that you're being an awesome friend here) then reach out periodically, too, like maybe once every week or two. IF he responds, continue to show an active interest, don't just be like "Sorry to hear that" but try your best to help him think through solutions to his problems or just be a shoulder to cry on if there's nothing you can do. Don't do stuff for him, but help him figure out how to get it together on his own. That's only if he responds, though, you shouldn't waste energy like that if he isn't willing to help himself.

 

[Xorkoth]

That's very interesting! Thank you for your advice. I am glad you got out that dark hole But I think I will just send him a text saying "Hey I am here if you need me, I will always be your friend" type of text, lol. Something along those lines, but I won't bring anything up about his appearance, cause I am not that type of person, but not only that he was always called ugly growing up by his parents and friends, and people would joke about his appearance, which broke my heart, cause I was thinking how cruel can people be? And his own parents? I was just disgusted. But I think I will just send him "I am here for you, and I will always care about you" type text. I can't really understand why he wouldn't want me in his life anymore, considering that I helped him out all the time, and I was appositive in his life etc. But whatever the circumstances are with him, I just want him to at least know I care a lot about him, and weather he cares or not, I just want him to know that. Thank you!

Hey, sorry you have been hurt, I know how that is. I have always managed to stay connected to my people, but I have and still do suffer from addiction, and I can tell you that when people are deep into an addiction, they are barely even themselves, they are, but they're the worst version of themselves. It really has nothing to do with you, a lot of the time with hard drugs like cocaine and heroin, people really withdraw, because life becomes about being high on your drug and people who do not enable that you feel the need to stay away from. And you're upset, angry, terrified, guilty, and a whole bunch of other intense emotions, all the time, so you tend to lash out at people or shut down, depending on your personality. For me, it led to my wife leaving me, and we're getting divorced (however in my case she was emotionally abusive and weirdly emotionally controlling so it's really for the best, I've come to realize).

I think your idea to send him a supportive text, saying that you're there for him and are still his friend, is a fantastic one. There is a good chance he doesn't realize the effect he is having on you, or he doesn't fully realize. So if you can get ahold of him, I think you should just explain exactly how you feel, and perhaps it will be a wake-up call for him. If you don't say anything then you effectively just let the drifting apart happen without trying to fix it (unless you already have told him how you feel, but I get the sense you haven't). If he still rejects you and is mean to you after that, then I think the appropriate thing to do is stop seeing him, but I still think perodically sending nice texts just asking he's okay is a great idea, and if he pulls out of it then you could possibly rekindle your friendship if he was reciprocal. It really brings hope to people who are down to see that people still care.

Oh, and you should try using the multi-quote feature; it allows you to reply to multiple posts in one single post (because we prefer people not double- or triple-post). Not a big deal but it's easy to use. See the little button on the lower right of each post, that looks like a couple of sheets of paper stacked? If you click that, it puts a check mark next to that post. You can select multiple posts, and then when you press "Post Reply" at the bottom, it will put quotes from all of those posts in your reply, and you can write replies after each one.

 

[Mariposa]

I have lived with bipolar folks. My practical recommendation is to disconnect from them, even/especially if they are your family or partner.

Take it from a woman who's had to bring her former partner to the hospital after catching him red-handed at his habit.

 

[nuttynutskin]

I didn't read the whole thread yet but I think it's possible that he's seeing you as being clingy or overbearing if you're always checking up on him or seeing how he's doing. Especially if he's going through a rough spot in his life and is depressed. It doesn't sound like it should make sense but a lot of people especially with depression push people away when they're doing bad. I would just give him space for now and only contact him if he contacts you. It's up to him to change if he wants, you're not his mother.

 

[xxJuliexx]

Yes, I do not think it has anything to do with you and, though it hurts that your friend has just dropped you with no explanation, that reflects more on him than you.

I definitely didn't mean call him anything close to ugly lol! I mean kind of more along the lines of maybe inquire about his health, that's a good way to kind of ask about the drugs and stuff without actually doing so. You could say he's seemed a little down or more depressed lately, or mention he doesn't seem interested in hanging out or talking anymore and you just wanted to ask if everything was okay? You don't have to use appearance. It's just a way to get him to volunteer some information, you could use whatever you think he'd respond best to. He may not be willing to offer details, but if you show a little interest it might get him to start talking. He may think no one cares, honestly, even if you have told him you care. I thought plenty of times "They are just being nice to me because they've known me so long and I'm in such horrible shape. They just pity me." and I didn't want that. That guy that got through to me, he made clear that he was there for me and asked what was going on with me, how are my parents, my job, etc etc. kind of to the point it got annoying at the time, honestly lol. I am so grateful for it now, but If he just said "Hey, hope you're okay." I probably would have ignored it, as shitty a thing that is to do to someone who cares about you.

Of course you have to choose how much you want to commit yourself to still helping this guy if he hasn't really responded to you much and it hurts your feelings. I notice guys are very slow to just say something is upsetting them or tell someone what they're doing hurts their feelings and some aren't good at picking up when they're doing it. TL;DR: I guess I'm saying be clear not just that you care, but that it hurts you as a longtime friend that it seems like he doesn't want you in his life, and then set your limits for how you want to interact with him in the future. If you want him to feel free to come to you if he needs to then say that and leave it at that.

Chances are exhausting yourself trying to get through to him won't help much. But if you want to seem more concerned to him (I think all of us here see that you're being an awesome friend here) then reach out periodically, too, like maybe once every week or two. IF he responds, continue to show an active interest, don't just be like "Sorry to hear that" but try your best to help him think through solutions to his problems or just be a shoulder to cry on if there's nothing you can do. Don't do stuff for him, but help him figure out how to get it together on his own. That's only if he responds, though, you shouldn't waste energy like that if he isn't willing to help himself.

Aww! Thank you so much, you are so kind! And I appreciate your advice a lot! Also I am very sorry you went through that, but luckily there was that one person didn't give up on you, and that's great! Cause we as humans need to be there for one another I see your point though, and I agree whole heartedly, thanks so much, and I am glad you are not in bad shape anymore! Congrats! *hugs*

@Xorkoth this thing won't let me reply to you for some reason, but I just want to say thank you so much for your advice and wisdom. I truly do appreciate it. I am also very sorry for what you're going through. You have my support, my friend. Thank you so much! I will definitely keep checking on him periodically, and hope he at least knows I care a lot about him. I wish you the best of luck! Thanks again! *hugs*

Hey all! Thank you so much for commenting on my post! I just want to give an update. He messaged my mom on Facebook saying "Do you know anyone that has antibitoics? lol" He was saying prior to messaging her that he thinks he has strep throat. My mom is like me, and she doesn't know the full situation so she replied to him saying she has a full prescription of Amoxicillin that she never took and that he can have it etc. Well it was later in the day. I was heading the same direction where he works, cause I had to go to my college for class. So my mom made me deliver the antibiotics to him at his workplace, and when I saw him he looked the same. He didn't look like he partying hard or anything, he looked ok. He was really nice to me, and he came to my car and said "Sara I love you but you can't navigate" cause I was getting lost, haha. So he seemed like he was in a rush but he kept on thanking me and saying "I love you" to me continuously. I had on sunglasses, and he said "Let me see your eyes" weirdly, lol.

He was though nice to me, so then 2 days later he texts me and says "Thank you for dropping that off" I said "Aww no problem! I was heading that way anyways! How are you feeling?" he didn't reply, but what is your take on it? I find it odd that he seemed vague with me, and kinda rude through texting before this, and then when he sees me face to face he's all nice and saying "I love you" to me multiple times, and thanking me etc. Like I am still kinda confused if he still wants me as a friend or not. I am not sure, also he didn't need to send me that text saying thank you cause he already did. So what is your take on this? I am still kinda confused. Thank you.

 

[nuttynutskin]

I think you're overly nice, smothering him and over thinking things. Not everyone stays glued to their phone all day. Also if you are anything like you come across in this thread he may see what a huge people pleaser you are and just be using you when he needs something.

 

[xxJuliexx]

I think you're overly nice, smothering him and over thinking things. Not everyone stays glued to their phone all day. Also if you are anything like you come across in this thread he may see what a huge people pleaser you are and just be using you when he needs something.

He is one of those people that are glued to his phone, haha. He really is. You keep saying smothering, when I barely text him. I texted him one time like 2 months ago just saying "How are you?" How is that smothering? I really haven't been in contact with him. I honestly haven't seen or talked to him in 3 months, and in that 3 month span, I texted him twice. You're right he might be using me. But I think you're wrong when you say I am "smothering" cause I am not constantly on him, checking up on him constantly, and I am not prying on his life, and making him give me details etc. When I texted him 2 months ago saying "How are you" I could tell he didn't want to talk, so I just gave him time and distance, and I didn't text him after that. I thought I saw him like 2 weeks ago and I texted him saying "Are you driving a black suv?" I mean that's it. I noticed though, those two times he seem disinterested and vague.