Should I be ashamed?

[blahman8000]

I relapsed recently (alcohol) after 9 very productive months sober. Over the years I've managed to remain sober more and more, and my relapses are ephemeral. Sunday was my last drink, and Sunday was a bad day.

I started the day with some beer left and $10 in my pocket. I'd decided with things coming up and my priorities falling apart so quickly, I ought to detox and stick with it. However, I had no way of getting to the hospital. EMTs where I live treat poor folks in withdrawal like a waste of their time, and make it quite clear to you. It's unbearable and had happened to me previously.

Anyway, so I decided to try to find someone in my building with benzos that I can buy so that I could get through withdrawal by myself. First deal, I got burned. I found the original dealer who denied it was his shit, but he gave me my 10 back.

I drank the rest of my beer.

I went outside my building where the homeless gather and do their thing. I found someone and (OF COURSE) I got burned. Please note that I normally never try this but felt I was out of options. I was furious, and drunk. Not threateningly, though, I went toward the person and he did his best to disappear. So I began yelling at the people he had been with, and who called me over to them. They just denied it. The argument escalated, then when I tried to walk away, one woman just stood in front of me, not letting me pass.

I had no interest in invading her space, and didn't. I just kept telling her to please let me by. For perspective, we were within a gated walked. I wanted to get back to my room. Behind me, another woman stood. Lots of yelling and cursing continued between me and the whole group. Then, before I knew it, I felt an arm wrap around my neck from behind and squeeze. My airway was closed. He held on, and began lifting me in the air this way. Finally, either he dropped me or I fought myself out.

I obviously had a decision to make. Do I fight, and escalate this? I chose instead to calmly get up and walk away. But deep down, the anger and booze still roared through me.

So I called the cops.

Obviously nothing came of it and the,cops just laughed at me. But I called the cops, and was seen by people I live around talking to cops.

I feel as though I made myself a coward and a snitch within about 2 minutes. And I still can't stop running through my mind what I should have done differently.

So, am I a coward? And am I a snitch?

 

[cj]

A snitch? In there eyes yeah probably so. In reality no not really. Just speaking from a reality based point of view you fucked up good and proper. You probably need to think about moving and what your safety is worth going forward. My advice is too lay low as possible for awhile. You know your niegborhood and it's players so maybe you can do a little politikin if possible. Explain you where drunk someone else called the cops you told them nothing ect. If you think that'll work.

Shit situation.

 

[Scrofula]

I was gonna support you on a no-shame-in a-"relapse" sit-down, and I saw that yes, you already had prior relapses, and the world did not end and your "disease" devour you. And what happened? Sober time got longer and longer.

Then suddenly you're drinking beers, then calling 911 for an ambulance, then neighbors for benzos, which you then eat with your beer, before starting a fight with homeless and calling the cops. I'm not sure what I missed, but more sober time might be a good idea.

 

[misylos]

You should have left it alone...you said he paid you back the $10....cops should not have been called....unless you were getting jumped...(personally I still would not have called)..an eye for an eye...You are labled as Mr "snitch" in that building...I would have to move....snitches gets stitches...I grew up with that slogan and thats not something you do..Good Luck and God Bless

 

[blahman8000]

I was gonna support you on a no-shame-in a-"relapse" sit-down, and I saw that yes, you already had prior relapses, and the world did not end and your "disease" devour you. And what happened? Sober time got longer and longer.

Then suddenly you're drinking beers, then calling 911 for an ambulance, then neighbors for benzos, which you then eat with your beer, before starting a fight with homeless and calling the cops. I'm not sure what I missed, but more sober time might be a good idea.

I keep trying to reply but my phone is of an older fashion and keeps screwing it up.

I am among the homeless community. I live in a shelter, only in my own room for $25 a month. I've been in and out of homelessness for years and have advocated for them. I just don't want to come across as if I targeted them maliciously from the get-go. I got burned, and became upset, confrontational, and foolish.

I agree with you, though. Sobriety is the obvious choice. I haven't had a drink since Sunday and am through detox.

 

[blahman8000]

You should have left it alone...you said he paid you back the $10....cops should not have been called....unless you were getting jumped...(personally I still would not have called)..an eye for an eye...You are labled as Mr "snitch" in that building...I would have to move....snitches gets stitches...I grew up with that slogan and thats not something you do..Good Luck and God Bless

To clarify, I was, in fact, assaulted. Someone tried to choke me out. I couldn't take them all so I walked away. Calling the cops was out of character for me, and I just wanted something done.

 

[Scrofula]

I wasn't getting on your case about yelling at the homeless, I've known plenty and sorta been there, and many (most) deserve to get some yelling.

I didn't mean to get on your case at all, it was just a funny transition from "it's OK the road to recovery is bumpy" to drunkalog. Including the part where you eat your withdrawal meds while drinking, and the major concern being the attitudes from your neighbors for talking to the police rather than you being loud, drunk, starting fights, and demanding medicine from them.

 

[blahman8000]

I wasn't getting on your case about yelling at the homeless, I've known plenty and sorta been there, and many (most) deserve to get some yelling.

I didn't mean to get on your case at all, it was just a funny transition from "it's OK the road to recovery is bumpy" to drunkalog. Including the part where you eat your withdrawal meds while drinking, and the major concern being the attitudes from your neighbors for talking to the police rather than you being loud, drunk, starting fights, and demanding medicine from them.

I didn't eat any benzos while drinking. In fact, I didn't even end up getting any benzos. Nor did I demand medicine. I made a deal and got pissed when I saw he gave me some allergy meds.

Priorities are messed up in messed up places, friend. If you're drunk, yelling, being belligerent, you more or less fit right in. If you talk to cops, that's what is out of line.

 

[Scrofula]

We're still talking past each other. I was gonna say I prefer places where you can get loud and drunk without the neighbors calling the cops.

OK, here goes:
Your headline says, "Should I be ashamed?"
Me: "Hmm, ashamed of what? Is it salacious?"
{forum is Recovery Support}
Me: "OK, probably not, but . . .
{mouseover says: "I relapsed recently (alcohol) after 9 very productive months sober. Over the years I've managed to remain sober mor . . . "
Me: "Oh good, an anti-12-step-absolute-abstinence post, I have strong feelings I'm going to spam the thread with . . ."
{story not about that, but ashamed of calling the cops I guess, only scanned it fast, i'm on meth after all}
Me: "Bad attempt at a joke pointing out the difference"

I expected a dewey-eyed recovery story, got more of a drunkalog. The irony is what's funny to me., there's no judgment from me except on those 12-steps, and that you're thinking about ER detox while you're still drinking. That I just frown at and then remember I've done the same thing.

Because I'm anti-12-steps and the recovery industry, I try to avoid those fora. I've been burned other places for speaking up.

For your question, only you know your neighbors well enough to make that call. Some it'll spook, others will just look down on you a little..

 

[Asclepius]

I relapsed recently (alcohol) after 9 very productive months sober. Over the years I've managed to remain sober more and more, and my relapses are ephemeral. Sunday was my last drink, and Sunday was a bad day.

I started the day with some beer left and $10 in my pocket. I'd decided with things coming up and my priorities falling apart so quickly, I ought to detox and stick with it. However, I had no way of getting to the hospital. EMTs where I live treat poor folks in withdrawal like a waste of their time, and make it quite clear to you. It's unbearable and had happened to me previously.

Anyway, so I decided to try to find someone in my building with benzos that I can buy so that I could get through withdrawa

I went outside my building where the homeless gather and do their thing. I found someone and (OF COURSE) I got burned. Please note that I normally never try this but felt I was out of options. I was furious, and drunk. Not threateningly, though, I went toward the person and he did his best to disappear. So I began yelling at the people he had been with, and who called me over to them. They just denied it. The argument escalated, then when I tried to walk away, one woman just stood in front of me, not letting me pass.

I had no interest in invading her space, and didn't. I just kept telling her to please let me by. For perspective, we were within a gated walked. I wanted to get back to my room. Behind me, another woman stood. Lots of yelling and cursing continued between me and the whole group. Then, before I knew it, I felt an arm wrap around my neck from behind and squeeze. My airway was closed. He held on, and began lifting me in the air this way. Finally, either he dropped me or I fought myself out.

That is a waste of space and text. A vapid message that i can't waste time on deleting completely.

Get the fuck away from benzos. Regulate your alcohol consumption. Deal with your personality issues by seeking help when you seize engaging in the former, bullshit.

 

[Asclepius]

I didn't eat any benzos while drinking. In fact, I didn't even end up getting any benzos. Nor did I demand medicine. I made a deal and got pissed when I saw he gave me some allergy meds.

Priorities are messed up in messed up places, friend. If you're drunk, yelling, being belligerent, you more or less fit right in. If you talk to cops, that's what is out of line.

So, you're demonstrating self awareness here, what is your issue exactly?

Seeking attention is fine; if you can express a genuine heartfelt, issue... Talking about your deluded sense of entitlement is dysfunctional. You know things are messed up. Keep bringing yourself down.
It will get worse - arguing with people on here about your righteousness ; is self sabotage. Do you think you're superior...Half/all on TDs have been spouting bullshit to themselves/ourselves most of their lives. Why do you feel righteous I in getting butt-hurt because someone calls you out?

 

[Asclepius]

Nothings is black/white...You may be justified in much of your grievances but the fact lies that if you're taking benzos with alcohol....You have 'no rights' my friend. Everyone else will control you, your right to justice,freedom if speech..Etc etc. NADA. You are rendered powerless. So, it. Is wise to post on here, if/when you decide to relinquish your desire to quit the thing that renders you incapacitated; in the eyes of the law and medical spheres.

We are on your side and want you to have your power back.

 

[Asclepius]

Bkahman, I'm sorry if i sound harsh /cold but if you don't get your shit together it's you that will suffer, not me.
I'm not judging you but you need to deal with getting yourself fucking straight right now - no fucking distractions. Period. Time for that is later.

 

[blahman8000]

So, you're demonstrating self awareness here, what is your issue exactly?

Seeking attention is fine; if you can express a genuine heartfelt, issue... Talking about your deluded sense of entitlement is dysfunctional. You know things are messed up. Keep bringing yourself down.
It will get worse - arguing with people on here about your righteousness ; is self sabotage. Do you think you're superior...Half/all on TDs have been spouting bullshit to themselves/ourselves most of their lives. Why do you feel righteous I in getting butt-hurt because someone calls you out?

I apologize if I became defensive or inappropriate. I'm not seeking attention so much as I just needed help sorting out whether I should feel as ashamed as I do. I know that might sound self-indulgent but I just needed feedback.

I am not superior. Absolutely not. I didn't mean to come off like I thought I was.

 

[blahman8000]

Bkahman, I'm sorry if i sound harsh /cold but if you don't get your shit together it's you that will suffer, not me.
I'm not judging you but you need to deal with getting yourself fucking straight right now - no fucking distractions. Period. Time for that is later.

Thank you for being straight with me. You're absolutely right. I'm about 6 days sober now, taking Antabuse, and trying to recover and do what's right.

 

[herbavore]

Hey my friend, I am glad to see you back.

You have had this monkey on your back for a long time and I know you have had times where you barely survived it. I'm not sure what your confusion is about calling the cops. Yes, I get it that it is an unwritten rule on the streets, but you were getting choked and felt threatened. On top of that you were drunk. So you called, they came, nothing happened and now you need to move on from that at least. You have bigger concerns. It seems to me that you are in a pretty hard physical place to stay sober. What about a sober living house--any possibility? I know those can be extremely iffy (one person relapses and then it isn't a sober living space anymore for anyone else); but sometimes they work out and if it changes for the worse you can always jump ship then.

I'm more interested in what triggered the relapse. Hard times= life (at least a good portion of it). There is no shortage of misery coming your way and that is because there is no shortage of misery coming anyone's way. It always comes down to what you are going to do when it hits. That is true for every one of us whether we have a discernible addiction or not. Do you get yourself out of harm's way or do you put yourself right in the path of self-destruction? This is the most important thing for you to focus on because its the only thing in your control.

 

[blahman8000]

Hey my friend, I am glad to see you back.

You have had this monkey on your back for a long time and I know you have had times where you barely survived it. I'm not sure what your confusion is about calling the cops. Yes, I get it that it is an unwritten rule on the streets, but you were getting choked and felt threatened. On top of that you were drunk. So you called, they came, nothing happened and now you need to move on from that at least. You have bigger concerns. It seems to me that you are in a pretty hard physical place to stay sober. What about a sober living house--any possibility? I know those can be extremely iffy (one person relapses and then it isn't a sober living space anymore for anyone else); but sometimes they work out and if it changes for the worse you can always jump ship then.

I'm more interested in what triggered the relapse. Hard times= life (at least a good portion of it). There is no shortage of misery coming your way and that is because there is no shortage of misery coming anyone's way. It always comes down to what you are going to do when it hits. That is true for every one of us whether we have a discernible addiction or not. Do you get yourself out of harm's way or do you put yourself right in the path of self-destruction? This is the most important thing for you to focus on because its the only thing in your control.

Hey. Well, the relapse was generally just frustration with depressive and OCD symptoms that still aren't under control, along with worrying about family as my dad appears to be on a cognitive decline and unwilling to hear about it (the family is worried about him driving when he doesn't appear to be as aware as he should be). So I decided not to take my Antabuse one day, then just kept avoiding it until I was cleared to drink. I saw a window of time where I could check out for a few weeks, so a lot of it was sort of preemptive, if only subconsciously. I don't want to glorify the aspects of drinking that I was longing for, but my cravings had steadily been rising.

I'm in outpatient care and have been working with my providers to find a treatment that gets to the bottom of my anhedonia. I'm back to taking Antabuse, which is my strongest deterrent, and now I'm just eager to try some way to fill this huge void.

I'm working right now on moving, and I think I've got an opportunity coming up to do so. My worry about calling the cops is the additional physical danger that tends to put people in around here. The shame is to do with my general behavior. But the truth is, like you said, a change in environment is overdue for me.

I think my self-destructive habits have lessened, but I'm now realizing more than ever how important a support system can be to improve those impulses.

 

[NewJerseyChill]

I relapsed recently (alcohol) after 9 very productive months sober. Over the years I've managed to remain sober more and more, and my relapses are ephemeral. Sunday was my last drink, and Sunday was a bad day.

I started the day with some beer left and $10 in my pocket. I'd decided with things coming up and my priorities falling apart so quickly, I ought to detox and stick with it. However, I had no way of getting to the hospital. EMTs where I live treat poor folks in withdrawal like a waste of their time, and make it quite clear to you. It's unbearable and had happened to me previously.

Anyway, so I decided to try to find someone in my building with benzos that I can buy so that I could get through withdrawal by myself. First deal, I got burned. I found the original dealer who denied it was his shit, but he gave me my 10 back.

I drank the rest of my beer.

I went outside my building where the homeless gather and do their thing. I found someone and (OF COURSE) I got burned. Please note that I normally never try this but felt I was out of options. I was furious, and drunk. Not threateningly, though, I went toward the person and he did his best to disappear. So I began yelling at the people he had been with, and who called me over to them. They just denied it. The argument escalated, then when I tried to walk away, one woman just stood in front of me, not letting me pass.

I had no interest in invading her space, and didn't. I just kept telling her to please let me by. For perspective, we were within a gated walked. I wanted to get back to my room. Behind me, another woman stood. Lots of yelling and cursing continued between me and the whole group. Then, before I knew it, I felt an arm wrap around my neck from behind and squeeze. My airway was closed. He held on, and began lifting me in the air this way. Finally, either he dropped me or I fought myself out.

I obviously had a decision to make. Do I fight, and escalate this? I chose instead to calmly get up and walk away. But deep down, the anger and booze still roared through me.

So I called the cops.

Obviously nothing came of it and the,cops just laughed at me. But I called the cops, and was seen by people I live around talking to cops.

I feel as though I made myself a coward and a snitch within about 2 minutes. And I still can't stop running through my mind what I should have done differently.

So, am I a coward? And am I a snitch?

If you don't have a street reputation to live up to then don't listen to those subhumans. Snitch? Coward? It looks like they wanted you to play into their own game and were manipulating you into not getting them in trouble for jumping you as a group.
But ya don't call cops if you try to buy drugs and get burned.
their is a way you can flip the tables and make them all look like cowards, snitches.

Lol don't argue or reason with the homeless, especially if they are intoxicated....They have a varying range of mental issues and arguing with them or reason is like going in circles.


As for getting sober, It's hard, trust me I know. It seems to me as if you really mind these kind of sitatutions, perhaps if you get clean time again you should look into mma or boxing.
But if you are anything like me, and naturally sit and let the shit cook up in your mind and can't stop thinking about the scenario over and over and over again until you get your pride back....
Then you chug that damn 40 bottle, catch one or 2 of em alone and let out a roaring apache cry while you do it, smash that shit on their face. Only way they will learn.

https://www.tke.org/files/file/The_48_Laws_of_Power.pdf

Law 9
Win through your Actions, Never through Argument
Any momentary triumph you think gained through argument is really a Pyrrhic victory: The
resentment and ill will you stir up is stronger and lasts longer than any momentary change of
opinion. It is much more powerful to get others to agree with you through your actions, without
saying a word. Demonstrate, do not explicate.

Law 15
Crush your Enemy Totally
All great leaders since Moses have known that a feared enemy must be crushed completely.
(Sometimes they have learned this the hard way.) If one ember is left alight, no matter how
dimly it smolders, a fire will eventually break out. More is lost through stopping halfway than
through total annihilation: The enemy will recover, and will seek revenge. Crush him, not only
in body but in spirit

Even if you don't know how to fight, All you gotta do is win 1, and look damn good doing it. Homeless people are easy to convince.

 

[blahman8000]

But if you are anything like me, and naturally sit and let the shit cook up in your mind and can't stop thinking about the scenario over and over and over again until you get your pride back....
Then you chug that damn 40 bottle, catch one or 2 of em alone and let out a roaring apache cry while you do it, smash that shit on their face. Only way they will learn.

https://www.tke.org/files/file/The_48_Laws_of_Power.pdf

Law 9
Win through your Actions, Never through Argument
Any momentary triumph you think gained through argument is really a Pyrrhic victory: The
resentment and ill will you stir up is stronger and lasts longer than any momentary change of
opinion. It is much more powerful to get others to agree with you through your actions, without
saying a word. Demonstrate, do not explicate.

Law 15
Crush your Enemy Totally
All great leaders since Moses have known that a feared enemy must be crushed completely.
(Sometimes they have learned this the hard way.) If one ember is left alight, no matter how
dimly it smolders, a fire will eventually break out. More is lost through stopping halfway than
through total annihilation: The enemy will recover, and will seek revenge. Crush him, not only
in body but in spirit

Even if you don't know how to fight, All you gotta do is win 1, and look damn good doing it. Homeless people are easy to convince.

I respect your advice, and I am very much one to ruminate over things like this. But drinking and violence are two things I just cannot have in my life anymore. I'm doing my best to try to lay low, accept, and plan to find a better living arrangement. I'm just too exhausted for any other option.

 

[herbavore]

I'm doing my best to try to lay low, accept, and plan to find a better living arrangement. I'm just too exhausted for any other option.

A very wise course of action.