kleinerkiffer
Bluelight Crew
If you take drugs to feel good you have a problem.
If you take drugs to feel good, but only get panic attacks from them,
You are fucked.
When you are ill, you don’t feel good in your own body.
But when you don’t feel good in your own body all the time,
You are a prisoner of yourself.
Everything started when I blacked-out after smoking some weed when I was 15. It was a hot summer day and I didn’t eat or drank much. I met some friends in the afternoon to smoke a few spliffs and go to a party. We met at a park and sat down in a pavilion. I was pretty much weed-naïve but I smoked two whole spliffs by myself. Everything was fine and I felt good, but then a guy, M, appeared. This guy used to bully me earlier this year so I was not happy to see him. But who cares, I was high as a kite so I didn’t mind. We wanted to go to the party so we collected our things and began our journey to the bus. On the way to the bus-stop I began to feel kind of weird. I couldn’t see straight and everything was muted. I didn’t know what was happening so I thought if I just take some deep breathes it would go away. But the feeling didn’t faded. It just increased on the whole way. So when we finally arrived at the bus stop my vision was blurred and I saw black dots everywhere. In addition my ears were ringing. I tried to think of an excuse to go home and when I finally mumbled something like: “I forgot something at home, I will meet you at the party” I stumbled away. 10 seconds later I found myself lying on the ground surrounded by my friends and M. My best friend J helped me to get back on my feet. It took me some time to realize that I collapsed, but I felt better. So J brought me home where I went to bed immediately. To my misfortune my mother knew I wanted to go to a party and came in to check on me. It didn’t take her much time to realize that I was fucked up. My pupils were dilated and I was shaking like a heroin junkie on detox. Because of that she took a flashlight and pointed it towards my eyes. My pupils were freakin’ huge and wouldn’t constrict. So I confessed that I was high. This was the first and the last time my parents figured out that I took drugs. I still don’t figured out why I blacked-out. Maybe it was my first panic attack triggered by M or maybe because of the lack of water and food in my stomach or maybe my blood pressure dropped. I don’t know and I will never know. Because of that incident I stopped taking drugs for a few months…
A few months later I regained my trust in drugs and started smoking pot again. When I was smoking on my own or hanging out with my best friend J smoking all day long everything was fine. But when we would go outside I would start to panic again. My vision would start to become blurred and I would feel super-weak like on the verge of collapsing. So I restricted my drug use, except alcohol and benzodiazepines, to home-use only…
A year and several drugs later I tried ketamine. I was home alone and tried a light to common dosage. A few minutes after insufflating my heart began to beat really fast and I became nauseous. The nausea lingered for a while but would eventually subside. But my heart wouldn’t stop beating fast for a few hours. I don’t know if it was just my imagination or if it really beat so fast but I thought the ketamine triggered a cardiac arrhythmia. When I finally calmed down I went to bed. Skip to the next day and I felt normal again. But when I arrived at the school I felt like I was dying. My heart pounded really fast and I felt dizzy and weak. This feeling would subside after a few minutes. When this would repeat itself the whole week I came to the conclusion that I either triggered a cardiac arrhythmia or I developed panic attacks. I stopped using drugs, except alcohol, again…
A month later these likely panic attacks faded and I started using again. I even went on a three day ketamine-binge where nothing bad happened so I frisky tried every drug I could get my hands on.
Skip to the tenth birthday of my little sister. I’m now 18 years old and tried maybe 30 different drugs from all kind of categories. Cannabis in the form of normal weed, hash and honey oil, psychedelics like mushrooms and LSD, uppers like cocaine and methamphetamine, downers like alcohol and several benzodiazepines, dissoziativas like ketamine and MXE, opioides like tramadole and oxycodone and various RC’s like ethylphenidate and 2c-D. At this said day I tried 2c-C. I was in my room while my parents and sister stayed in the living room. A few minutes after ingesting a common dosage of 2c-C I got really nauseous and everything started spinning really bad. I puked after around 20 minutes and felt like I was dying. I ate a xanax-bar and went to bed while watching a few episodes of Man vs. Wild. I knew that this was just a panic attack so I calmed down after maybe one hour.
Since this incident taking drugs is like Russian roulette. Sometimes everything is fine and sometimes I get a panic attack. I only smoke weed home alone or with J and I prefer to take some benzos along with smoking weed to prevent possible panic attacks. In addition this combo is like being in heaven.
Skip to the now end here. I write this report during the end of a panic attack triggered by a light dosage of 4-MEC.
I don’t know if I will be able to use drugs, except alcohol benzos and weed on occasions, ever again so I will be forced to pursue happiness on a different path.
Thanks for reading this, I would really appreciate any comments and suggestions
Much love
P.s. English is not my native language so don't judge me for my bad english
If you take drugs to feel good, but only get panic attacks from them,
You are fucked.
When you are ill, you don’t feel good in your own body.
But when you don’t feel good in your own body all the time,
You are a prisoner of yourself.
Everything started when I blacked-out after smoking some weed when I was 15. It was a hot summer day and I didn’t eat or drank much. I met some friends in the afternoon to smoke a few spliffs and go to a party. We met at a park and sat down in a pavilion. I was pretty much weed-naïve but I smoked two whole spliffs by myself. Everything was fine and I felt good, but then a guy, M, appeared. This guy used to bully me earlier this year so I was not happy to see him. But who cares, I was high as a kite so I didn’t mind. We wanted to go to the party so we collected our things and began our journey to the bus. On the way to the bus-stop I began to feel kind of weird. I couldn’t see straight and everything was muted. I didn’t know what was happening so I thought if I just take some deep breathes it would go away. But the feeling didn’t faded. It just increased on the whole way. So when we finally arrived at the bus stop my vision was blurred and I saw black dots everywhere. In addition my ears were ringing. I tried to think of an excuse to go home and when I finally mumbled something like: “I forgot something at home, I will meet you at the party” I stumbled away. 10 seconds later I found myself lying on the ground surrounded by my friends and M. My best friend J helped me to get back on my feet. It took me some time to realize that I collapsed, but I felt better. So J brought me home where I went to bed immediately. To my misfortune my mother knew I wanted to go to a party and came in to check on me. It didn’t take her much time to realize that I was fucked up. My pupils were dilated and I was shaking like a heroin junkie on detox. Because of that she took a flashlight and pointed it towards my eyes. My pupils were freakin’ huge and wouldn’t constrict. So I confessed that I was high. This was the first and the last time my parents figured out that I took drugs. I still don’t figured out why I blacked-out. Maybe it was my first panic attack triggered by M or maybe because of the lack of water and food in my stomach or maybe my blood pressure dropped. I don’t know and I will never know. Because of that incident I stopped taking drugs for a few months…
A few months later I regained my trust in drugs and started smoking pot again. When I was smoking on my own or hanging out with my best friend J smoking all day long everything was fine. But when we would go outside I would start to panic again. My vision would start to become blurred and I would feel super-weak like on the verge of collapsing. So I restricted my drug use, except alcohol and benzodiazepines, to home-use only…
A year and several drugs later I tried ketamine. I was home alone and tried a light to common dosage. A few minutes after insufflating my heart began to beat really fast and I became nauseous. The nausea lingered for a while but would eventually subside. But my heart wouldn’t stop beating fast for a few hours. I don’t know if it was just my imagination or if it really beat so fast but I thought the ketamine triggered a cardiac arrhythmia. When I finally calmed down I went to bed. Skip to the next day and I felt normal again. But when I arrived at the school I felt like I was dying. My heart pounded really fast and I felt dizzy and weak. This feeling would subside after a few minutes. When this would repeat itself the whole week I came to the conclusion that I either triggered a cardiac arrhythmia or I developed panic attacks. I stopped using drugs, except alcohol, again…
A month later these likely panic attacks faded and I started using again. I even went on a three day ketamine-binge where nothing bad happened so I frisky tried every drug I could get my hands on.
Skip to the tenth birthday of my little sister. I’m now 18 years old and tried maybe 30 different drugs from all kind of categories. Cannabis in the form of normal weed, hash and honey oil, psychedelics like mushrooms and LSD, uppers like cocaine and methamphetamine, downers like alcohol and several benzodiazepines, dissoziativas like ketamine and MXE, opioides like tramadole and oxycodone and various RC’s like ethylphenidate and 2c-D. At this said day I tried 2c-C. I was in my room while my parents and sister stayed in the living room. A few minutes after ingesting a common dosage of 2c-C I got really nauseous and everything started spinning really bad. I puked after around 20 minutes and felt like I was dying. I ate a xanax-bar and went to bed while watching a few episodes of Man vs. Wild. I knew that this was just a panic attack so I calmed down after maybe one hour.
Since this incident taking drugs is like Russian roulette. Sometimes everything is fine and sometimes I get a panic attack. I only smoke weed home alone or with J and I prefer to take some benzos along with smoking weed to prevent possible panic attacks. In addition this combo is like being in heaven.
Skip to the now end here. I write this report during the end of a panic attack triggered by a light dosage of 4-MEC.
I don’t know if I will be able to use drugs, except alcohol benzos and weed on occasions, ever again so I will be forced to pursue happiness on a different path.
Thanks for reading this, I would really appreciate any comments and suggestions
Much love
P.s. English is not my native language so don't judge me for my bad english
