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Short Molly binge, don't feel the same

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Braindead1217

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Joined
Oct 23, 2013
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I don't usually post in forums so forgive me if this is in the wrong place and sorry in advance if some of this doesn't make sense as ill explain later on in the post why, but I signed up out of desperation for answers that I can't seem to find on my own. It's a mix of problems that started with weed and ended with Molly, so again I don't know exactly where to post this, so I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place, I'm hoping an admin or something can move this if not

Ok so basically I've been a huge pothead throughout my entire high school career, smoking about once a week in freshman year and slowly escalating to the point I'm at now(or I should say a few weeks ago, I'm drug free now) which was daily smoking (which started around about my junior year) several times a day, to the point where I was basically high all the time except for when I was at work, and even then I would smoke sometimes before or during work. This past summer was the heaviest I have ever smoked (I forgot to mention I'm 18 and graduated this past June) and around August I was tired of my life at home, basically flipped out In a violent mood swing (I noticed I had been having a lot of those at the time, and I have a history of bipolar disorder in my family so I kind of subcounciously chalked it up to that, if that even makes sense) and moved in with my girlfriend at the time in the town next over from the one I was living in. This is where the Molly comes in. I'd never taken it before but always wanted to, and my best friend had gotten a hold of some jollies (Molly in crystal form), so him my girlfriend and I all put some money together and bought about 1.2 grams and split it 3 ways, went to a concert and honestly had the fucking times of our lives. I don't know how to describe it, I felt so happy, so connected with everything, it was the greatest feeling I've ever had in my life, and a few days after that me and my best friend (lets just call him jayo) bought some more and just went his house and took about .4, maybe .5 each, and we just chilled in his backyard, listened to music, smoked weed and chilled. We did this for about a total of 3 nights in a row, and for the next 2 weeks I took some on and off randomly, anywhere from around .1gs to .3gs, so in total I probably rolled about 5 times in about 2, maybe 2 and a half weeks. After the 3 day binge I just didnt feel the same, I don't really know how to describe it. I felt sort of hazy, and I just wasn't myself. I couldn't hold a conversation with people and I felt like I had slightly lost my sense of humor, and I was beginning to grow extremely irritable and my mood swings were getting worse. After my last roll, I believe it was around the end of August or the very beginning of September I decided I didn't want to become an addict (and the shit wasn't really even makin me happy like the first euphoria I got, it actually made me really depressed and worried, but still extremely energized) and I stopped, and haven't taken it since. After the 3 day binge I noticed it was difficult for me hold a conversation with jayo or any of my friends really. It was weird, I just couldn't think of anything to say and me and him would often just sit in silence until I thought of something to say. Nonetheless I kept smoking weed every single day and I kept feeling like I was getting worse, and it got to the point where I didn't even know how to carry on a conversation anymore. I felt awkard as shit around jayo and my other friends, my girlfriend broke up with me because she said I've seemed emotionally detached the past few weeks and basically I stopped hanging out with all my friends because I felt awkard as hell around everyone, and I was also spiraling into depression at that point. I also forgot to mention I lost both of my jobs because I was too quiet and depressed looking to run a storefront (I worked at a local streetwear shop and ran the front of a pizza place, both things you kind of have to be happy all the time for) which made my depression worse probably since I had no contact with the outside world anymore, I just couldn't think of the right words when someone was talking to me, there was a delay in speech anytime someone would try and talk to me I would have to think about what I was going to say before I said it and I realized after a while I can't to simple math anymore, I feel like I have no common sense and I feel like I've lost all emotion inside. My thought process is all fucked up, I don't know how to explain it but I'm just not the same person anymore, i feel empty inside and I feel like this all started with the Molly and just got worse with the weed. It's been about 2 months since I last took Molly and I stopped smoking weed because everytime I would smoke I would have panic attacks and horrible anxiety. I have terrible, TERRIBLE short term memory (today I put my keys in my cars ignition, turned the car on and said to myself about 10 seconds later "where the fuck are my car keys?" Until realizing I had already started my car) To sum it all up, basically what I want to know is that is it possible that I could've permanently fucked up my brain from taking the Molly binge I was in for those 2 and a half weeks, and that the weed made it worse? I'm sorry this was so long but like I said my thought process has been fucked up and I'm just really, really scared that I might have permanent brain damage now from it, i thought quitting weed would help but it's been about a week since I've smoke and 2 months since I've taken Molly and I still can't carry on a normal conversation, my short term memory is still non existent and I feel like I've lost my ability to learn new information. I got a new job at a supermarket as a cashier thinking it would be something easy to transition to but I feel like I'm going to lose it soon just because I'm constantly fucking up because I can't remember anything my boss tells me while she's trying to train me. When someone tells me something I have to think about it in my head like 3 or 4 times before I actually understand it and I have to be told like 6 times about how to do something before I actually remember how to do it. Has anyone on this forum who've had similar experiences with mdma binges ever felt like this? I'm hoping it'll get better but at this point I feel like ill never be the same again

Again, I'm really, really sorry this was so long. I'm new at this kind of shit and idk the only way I can even write anymore is by completely just writing down what's going through my head or else ill lose my train of thought and forget what I'm talking about and then it just comes out weird. I feel like I explained this horrible but I couldn't for the life of me explain it any better. I'm just hoping to god someone has some answers for me.
 
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I'm not really sure what you want to hear. You made a horrible choice and now you're clearly dealing with the consequences. There is no one answer on how to return to normal.

Edit: Sorry for the poor response. I'm sure other people can help you, but I just don't know how. I suggest reading other threads like this as there is already a ton of information out there. Good luck, I hope this doesn't go on for too long.
 
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I know I made a horrible choice, I didn't realize it until I actually stopped smoking weed and looked back on it in retrospect. I'm just wondering if this is permanent, I'm wondering if ill ever feel normal again and if rolling that much actually has the possibility to damage my brain like that. The constant smoking probably fogged my judgement, in retrospect I feel like my moral compass was definitely eskew and it clouded my judgement, I was completely uneducated on mdma and honestly the only reason I did it was because I succumbed to peer pressure from my friends. I'm not saying it's there fault at all, it was my own dumbass fault for letting things get the way they are now but the fact that I can't talk to anyone anymore has made me lose all my friends because I've been too embarrassed to even talk to them anymore and I feel like I've developed some sort of social anxiety because of it, and up until a few days ago the only thoughts on my mind were how to commit suicide because i didnt want to live with being a fucking braindead idiot for the rest of my life. I want to know if there's anyway to recover from this, I'm trying to pick up the pieces and move on but I can't do that if I don't know exactly what I'm dealing with. I'm sorry for being so vague with this, I haven't been thinking clearly at all lately.
 
Well first of all, don't even consider suicide. This life is all we have. Just the one. There is nothing else. You don't want to end that.

I don't think you've done any permanent damage. People have these stories all the time and they always recover.
 
It gets better. Im going through a similar things. Im at 6.5 months and its a hell of alot better since the first month. Its called Depersonilization or delealization or anhedonia or what ever you want to label it. Look them up. Im sure it wil make more sense then. But yeah, it might take a few months to a year of feeling like this, but things do get better and from what I read just about a full recovery in due time.

Advice:
-Do your best to get out side and be active
-Try to stay social (i know its really hard but its important)
-Dont drink alcohol, coffee, or tea with caffeine
-dont smoke weed
-no drugs
-sleep as much as you can
-eat as healthy as possible. (no processed food like junk food, sugars, candy. A lot of veggies, raw foods have the most nutrients.)
-exercise as mush as possible. Run a lot
-just stay positive, it helps a lot. Its not a life sentence.
-vitamins, Fish oil, Theanine, inositol, vitamin B, magnesium Citrate
-read (and other mental stimulating activities)
-patience. This will not get better over night. Accept where you are and take each day on at a time
-meditation and yoga


Others will chime in with more. There are a lot of us here who are going though the same thing and who have recovered as well.

Best of luck
 
I'm not suicidal anymore, my family has supported me through all this even after I flipped out on my father and left the house, I realize, my family loves me (even though I didn't fully realize it until I stopped smoking weed and transitioned back into reality a bit) and I could never leave them when they're basically the only only ones who've been helping me unconditionally through this darkest period of my life so far. It'd just be throwing a middle finger up to the only people that give a shit about me right now and I simply can't do that. Plus I realized while researching suicide methods that it's a lot harder than it looks haha, statistically speaking I'd be most likely to end up in the hospital 100x more fucked up then I was before

EDIT: Thanks pmz, that's kind of what I was hoping someone would say. I knew from the beginning that this wasn't going to happen overnight I just wanted to know if I was going to feel like this forever, extremely relieved that I'm not alone in this and that there is room for recovery, it takes a lot off my mind. Thanks a million :)
 
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Your brain takes a long time to recover from drug abuse, MDMA especially. Its going to take some effort on your part to try and cope with whats going on now. I'm not saying you're not, but try hard at work to keep your job. This is my opinion, but dont start smoking weed again. I smoked from 13 to 23 and many of those years I was smoking several times a day. It doesnt help you at all. Let your brain recover on its own. What you can try is taking vitamins each day, along with antioxidants and some 5-htp. that may help a little to boost your mood. Keep yourself hydrated and try to keep your body in optimal condition to repair itself. But its time, what you need is time. Over time your brain will heal and you will feel better. try not to worry about it, I know you think about it several times a day and it worries you to think you've done something irreversible. It will get better. take a break from partying, atleast binge drinking, as its hard on your brain.
I wish you the best of luck man, keep your head up and stay positive. Dont let the negativity bring you down and wipe those thoughts out of your head. Its not over for you, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. remember that.
 
PMZ hit it there, didnt see that as I was typing. And like he said, there are others here who've felt the same way...
 
It will get better , I've been there man. The time seems so slow and reality is not real. Mdma can really really fuck you up, but you just have to hang in there !!! Sorry to hear about the GF and your job, so it's understandable that you are going through some rough times for sure ! All I can say is that +1 for PMZ guidelines for a healthy living overall. Good advice there btw. . . . // John
 
Oh, and do not be afraid to talk about the issues with someone you really trust . It helps , and forums and all that. But nothing is like "IRL" talks.... Ofc...
 
Thanks for all the help guys, I really, really appreciate it. But has anyone else had the problem where they can't carry on a normal conversation with literally anyone after something like this? And does anyone know if my memory will ever come back 100%? Because those two things are probably the things that have been getting me down the most, it's impossible for me to even socialize anymore I feel like I forgot how to.
 
hey man, i took a half a pill of XTC 3 months ago and still have conversation issues. forgetting words or just simply cant Held an intelligent conversation anymore and dont feel the same. the strange thing is that millions of People take this drug and i maybee found 3 threads on the web where People complained about the same issues and i made a lot, alot of Research. it could be Imagination or a product of a mental illness and focussing on the Problem makes it worse. i would suggest seeing a health care professional to learn how to deal with the issues until they subside. my docotrs said, that there is no Chance to harm yourself longterm when you consume a handful of pills. i promise it gets better and better with time. all the best
 
It seems that one thing you are severely overlooking is the combination of two things you are dealing with working together to cause some serious problems. You mentioned that you are bi-polar. First of all, depression isn't bipolar. Bi-Polar is used to describe a Mania or a "high state". It is a common misunderstanding. You may be bi polar AND depressive as well, which sounds to be the case. Either way, when you take MDMA, it produces a tremendous amount of dopamine. The reason MDMA "burns holes" in peoples brains is due to excessive dopamine causing a condition referred to as "dopamine burn". It literally begins to make your brain like swiss cheese. So, although it was only two weeks and is unlikely, you may have done some PERMANENT damage there. However, you had a mood disorder to begin with. Prior to taking the drugs, your brain was not properly producing chemicals which normally keep a person "attached" to reality. It is very likely that you further put this out of normality with the drug use.

Now, all of that being said, there are solutions. First of all, someone said to stop taking everything including caffeine. Best advice I've seen here! Listen to them. Second, if you are like me, you probably latched onto the fact that the drugs enhanced life which, for people like you and me, was never normal to begin with. I have a problem with my Kappa receptor being overactive that leads to mood swings, detachment, loss of enjoyment in otherwise pleasurable activities (fishing, writing music, romance, etc.). For me, i decided to go on buprenorphine to deal with that before trying all the psych drugs, but, if long term it doesn't work, I'm willing to do that.

The BIGGEST MISTAKE you could make though is what so many of us do. We get on medication, we get normal, then, like a normal person would say, we say "normal people dont take medications". So we stop. But without the meds, we're not normal. And the cycle goes round and round. Get to a doctor. Get on bi-polar/manic depression meds. Those will likely help A LOT.

But do not leave your condition untreated. If you do, its just a matter of time before your body demands treatment. For a lot of us, that consists of illicit and dangerous narcotics which lead to problems like the one you walked into. THERE IS HELP AND IT CAN WORK..but you gotta go meet with a doctor and take that initiative.

On a sidenote, I am a Christian. That has helped a lot for me. I wont preach achya, but if you would like to explore that, I'm definitely available.

Good luck bud. It DOES GET BETTER.
 
Yeah I used to be a devout Christian but several things happened in my life that made me lose my faith in god, I'm more of the agnostic type now I guess. I feel like even if there was a god (not saying there isn't and not trying to knock your religion at all) he wouldn't forgive me after the ways I've lived my life the past few years. But back on topic, why caffeine? It seems like the only thing that can actually get me motivated in the morning. I smoke cigarettes, would that also be harmful to my recovery?
 
Was the weed the thing that could've pushed me over the edge after the chemical imbalance in my brain due to the Molly? Because I forgot to say that I wasn't feeling like I was going crazy for a couple weeks after my last roll, but then something happened ( I forget exactly what it was) that made me realize something DEFINITELY wasn't right with my head. I feel like the constant state of being high to try and get my mind off it (which after a while I realized was counterproductive as everytime I would smoke I would feel crazier and crazier, even after I sobered up)
 
Braindead1217 said:
Yeah I used to be a devout Christian but several things happened in my life that made me lose my faith in god, I'm more of the agnostic type now I guess. I feel like even if there was a god (not saying there isn't and not trying to knock your religion at all) he wouldn't forgive me after the ways I've lived my life the past few years. But back on topic, why caffeine? It seems like the only thing that can actually get me motivated in the morning. I smoke cigarettes, would that also be harmful to my recovery?
Click to expand...

Caffeine depletes your serotonin. You will get better mate just stay positive
 
I feel like I'm getting worse as the days go on. I'm not depressed most of the time, but it's becoming increasingly difficult for me to speak to people. I try and I try and it just doesn't work, I can't focus on conversations anymore. I've been eating better, I've been excersizing, I haven't smoked any weed or drank any caffeine or anything of the sort, but I feel like my mind is detiorating on a daily basis. I can't even watch TV anymore because I can't follow what's going on in shows or anything anymore. What the hell is wrong with me, I've read about people who've taken far more than me both in in short and longer periods of time and they all seem to have progresses much more than I have and it's been atleast 2 months since my last roll I just don't get it. What the hell is wrong with me? I forget everything now, I can't even talk to my doctor or therapist anymore, let alone family and friends. I'm scared as hell...
 
Hey dude. Love you. For reals I do.

Anywho.

I know how you're feeling, everything you described has matched my experiences to a tee. You have to give it time, a lot of what you're experiencing will fade within the first few months.

The best advice I can give you is to stay positive. I don't doubt that you're in a shitty situation and by all means have the right to be miserable about it, but it's counter productive. As people above said cut out caffeine, weed, drugs in general, eat healthy exercise are all important. Vitamins like omega 3, with high EPA and DHA help a lot as well as 5-htp, melatonin (likely you're not producing it very well atm) and St. Johns Wort. The omega 3 and Wort are for brain food, 5htp and melatonin for your mood and ensuring you sleep well, which will help with recovery.

You're saying you have trouble paying attention to shit, like conversations and tv. I bet if you analyzed other areas of your life you'd find the same thing happening. I don't believe this is because of some sort of irreversible brain damage or anything of that nature, I think you're multitasking. From personal experience when I fade out of conversations with people, it's because I'm getting focused on what I'm saying, is it normal, is it weird, how i feel, whats that weird feeling in my head, oh god whats happening to me!!! etc. Maybe you're over analyzing yourself, and if you are how can you be 100% present in whatever your trying to do? I don't know if you're experiencing a similar internal monologue in your head, but what is working for me is meditation. It's literally working out your brain, and the beauty is for starter practices, the goal is to put all of your attention on one thing. Early on it provided me with temporary respite from my problems, and now I'm finding myself being able to focus more and more on what I want. Please give it a shot, its helping me a lot maybe it would help you too?
 
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