Shocking squalor at Dad/brother's home: they will NOT let me do anything

MrsGamp

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Joined
Apr 3, 2020
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Australia
As above.

It really is bad. Issues include:
-broken plumbing/toilets, so bathing and even defacating is problematic. Burst pipe or something of that sort means kitchen floor is slimy and slippery with crap like decomposing cat food ...
-my father will NOT close the back door because he claims cats need to be able to get in and out at will, which they do, often dragging in corpses of rats and birds and leaving them strewn around inside
- every room has so much rubbish that you can't see the carpet. Dirty rubbish like unwashed plates/food remnants plus empty wine casks, failed Lotto tickets, cigarette butts....
-practically no cutlery or crockery (how do they eat and drink?) or what there is will always be encrusted in filth and you can't wash dishes because of the plumbing ....
And so on and so on.

My dilemma is that I want to call the Health Department but my brother says he'll "never forgive me" if I do that ... He is sure he will get into trouble, and Dad will have to go into a home, which would (it is true) be so expensive that in all likelihood it would cost Dad all his savings and his 2 properties ( which include the house of horrors as just described plus a run down flat which I am currently living in ...of course this complicates things, that I am living in place my father owns)

Shit I dunno what to do - don't want to alienate my brother: he is practically all I have.

At the same time I don't want my dad to die or seriously injure himself tripping over rubbish and falling down the stair.

I hate that house. My mother committed suicide there in 2013. I wish it would burn to the ground (provided my brother and father were unharmed of course).
 
feel like a total asshole leaving my brother there today as he is recovering from foot surgery...but he DID NOT want to come with me, nor did he want me to pick up rubbish or do anything. He doesn't even have a bed to sleep on.

I just cannot handle it there though, either physically or mentally.
 
Why is he so opposed to even cleaning it up a little? I understand that people get stuck in their ways and stubborn but this is beyond a disaster. Its flat out negligent to everyone involved and the pets. Could you talk him into letting someone pick up at least and get the water fixed? If he seriously cant get his head around or your dad this is pretty much grounds for a psych evaluation I think.. 5150.
 
Hey Gamp consider focusing on you first.
Thanks, I see what you're saying. But I am scared of something happening to Dad and I must admit this is not so much because I have an especially great relationship with Dad (I don't) but because of what happened with Mum's suicide...I feel really guilty about that, and if my Dad died because of something I could've done, but didn't do, I don't think I could live with the guilt.
 
I
Why is he so opposed to even cleaning it up a little? I understand that people get stuck in their ways and stubborn but this is beyond a disaster. Its flat out negligent to everyone involved and the pets. Could you talk him into letting someone pick up at least and get the water fixed? If he seriously cant get his head around or your dad this is pretty much grounds for a psych evaluation I think.. 5150.
I do not know why my father is opposed to cleaning up, unless it's just because he has a strange fondness for the filth. His personal hygiene, for example, is atrocious.

Plus Dad is an extremely miserly person in many ways. If he feels he can survive without plumbing, he will probably never get it fixed.

At the same time, he wastes hundreds of dollars a week on gambling.

Interestingly I have read that pathological misers are often reluctant to bathe, as well as inclined to stupid gambling.

Now, as for the brother's reluctance for me to clean up ... that's more straightforward. He is very private about stuff like his sex life and might be scared of me finding evidence of current/past lovers that he's embarrassed about.

But mostly he is uneasy because anyone who does significant tidying up is bound to finds various pills he has dropped or forgotten about over the years.

I suspect he thinks my tidying up antics are really just a quest for stealing his "floor lollies" (our brother/sister word for fun pills you find on the floor) .
 
Ps must admit o
I

I do not know why my father is opposed to cleaning up, unless it's just because he has a strange fondness for the filth. His personal hygiene, for example, is atrocious.

Plus Dad is an extremely miserly person in many ways. If he feels he can survive without plumbing, he will probably never get it fixed.

At the same time, he wastes hundreds of dollars a week on gambling.

Interestingly I have read that pathological misers are often reluctant to bathe, as well as inclined to stupid gambling.

Now, as for the brother's reluctance for me to clean up ... that's more straightforward. He is very private about stuff like his sex life and might be scared of me finding evidence of current/past lovers that he's embarrassed about.

But mostly he is uneasy because anyone who does significant tidying up is bound to finds various pills he has dropped or forgotten about over the years.

I suspect he thinks my tidying up antics are really just a quest for stealing his "floor lollies" (our brother/sister word for fun pills you find on the floor) .
ps must admit on occasion I have eaten floor lollies of his, but only if he's not there. Also one never comes across anything very exciting-mainly just one grimy 5mg Dex or Valium. So it's not exactly Madris Gras.
 
They can not care for them selves!! So you need to be the adult Not an asshole , but a loving adult. Clean the house ( leave the door open for a bit if that makes dad happy)
Get a plumber to fix toilet and burst pipes!! Tell them both that your brother will die a horrible death from STAPH if the place is not clean, after surgery!!
If your brother does get STAPH, the hospital will report your dads home to Public health, and then Shit really hits the fan. Once they are in the system forget any freedom or making their own decisions.
you are only helping them
 
Hey Gamp consider focusing on you first.


It seems like your anxiety sort of rushed you through this reply, Gamp. From what I know of you, you have more than enough to work on in your own life, you have no hand to lend to others. I have a hard time with this too, but if you dont save yourself, you dont really much have much help to offer anyone else. For example, hypothetically, you get healthy and happy, get a halfway decent job, save money, and a year or two from now can afford to hire help to professionally clear and clean your dad's house. You would also likely be more energetic and positive and be able to help more. Just a thought. You can also change your own destructive habits much more than you can change the habits of 2 other people very deep in a mental illness.
 
It seems like your anxiety sort of rushed you through this reply, Gamp. From what I know of you, you have more than enough to work on in your own life, you have no hand to lend to others. I have a hard time with this too, but if you dont save yourself, you dont really much have much help to offer anyone else. For example, hypothetically, you get healthy and happy, get a halfway decent job, save money, and a year or two from now can afford to hire help to professionally clear and clean your dad's house. You would also likely be more energetic and positive and be able to help more. Just a thought. You can also change your own destructive habits much more than you can change the habits of 2 other people very deep in a mental illness.
I KNOW! I'm a great big fucking mess myself ... thanks though, you are being logical.
 
They can not care for them selves!! So you need to be the adult Not an asshole , but a loving adult. Clean the house ( leave the door open for a bit if that makes dad happy)
Get a plumber to fix toilet and burst pipes!! Tell them both that your brother will die a horrible death from STAPH if the place is not clean, after surgery!!
If your brother does get STAPH, the hospital will report your dads home to Public health, and then Shit really hits the fan. Once they are in the system forget any freedom or making their own decisions.
you are only helping them
Lol brother HAS had STAPH, it was discovered couple of years ago when he had to have minor surgery - but no Health Dept inquiry ensued. He was just treated in hospital in his own wee quarantined room...
 
Ps
Lol brother HAS had STAPH, it was discovered couple of years ago when he had to have minor surgery - but no Health Dept inquiry ensued. He was just treated in hospital in his own wee quarantined room...
ps sorry if that sounded sarcastic - you're coming from a kind and sensible place and I appreciate it. TBH though it is so bad I doubt just one person could do it

Current plan is to remove obvious health hazards and OSH issues, then bring in industrial cleaners without bothering to tell Dad they're coming. Once they are there he's probably not going to oppose them, especially if he isn't paying for it😏
 
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