• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Shit hit the fan...

B

bcfly7x7

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 14, 2014
Messages
209
Location
PA, USA
I wasn't Going to bring this to the table, but support is needed in all things. Okay so here's the timeline;

Tuesday 19 days clean, my wife tells me a good friend and co-worker, that her teenage son and gf are missing. Still no clue where they are.

Wednesday 20 days clean, wife calls me, tells me her nephew, 24, blew the back of his head off. She is crushed, I'm trying to help, but im still suffering from PAWS. I feel like the stress is mounting and the anxiety is overwhelming.

I feel I owe it to her to be there and do whatever I can to help out. Then I start thinking, why do I feel like I OWE her something. I shouldn't think of it that way, I should want to be there, not feel as if I need to repay her for being there for me through 7 years of shit with my addiction.

Makes me feel like a shitty person. Idk, wtf, to do. I need to get past this way of thinking. I'm at a loss for words and if you've read any of my posts, thats not usually the case.

Ideas?

Thx all,

Bob
 
Hey, I can sort of relate. I was a few months clean when my brother died... I gotta tell you man. All of what I just read ,
none of it says you're feeling like you wanna go fuck up your sobriety over the tragedy , which gives me the notion that you're on the right track for yourself.
You definitely need to be there for her and for you, not that you owe her even if you feel you do. But it's gonna be good for your sobriety to expose yourself to stuff that makes you totally uncomfortable and get through it without using to deal with it. You know ? This is sort of a test for you. And I know it seems wrong to "trivialize " someones tragic suicide and twist into your own little personal "test"... but he's dead and you're alive. You know damn well that an addict lifestyle is a suicide in itself. So, Be there or not... stay sober! For you and for her (long term).
 
You're still real early in your recovery and feeling fragile so that doesn't make you a shitty person. You can't do much about the runaway teenagers. But the nephew committing suicide is tragic and so sad. I imagine your wife and her family are very distraught.

What you can do is ask if there is anything that you can do to help. When is the funeral? You can ask if they need help in making arrangements or with food.
 
Thx to both,

Vit, you're correct, no feelings to use to escape. It's just the mental mind fuck that is going on. I do see the point though, its a lot to deal with after having no feelings for about 6 years, seems amplified.

Cald, the teens aren't considered run aways, more along the lines of abduction or foul play. Yes, family is in ruins over the nephew. Tons of questions, why's and what have you. I got nothing for that. Im doing my best to help out, it just doesn't seem like it's enough.

Bob

Ps Vit so sorry to hear about your brother.
 
I totally get what you're saying about feeling like you "owe." My husband didn't know I was abusing my meds until it hit a breaking point with my health and my doctor. He knew I was taking pills, but not that I had been taking more than prescribed for years. My early withdrawals (in August) were terrible, and he was there. He has been so strong and supportive, while I feel so weak and stupid, that I feel I owe him. I'm still fatigued and muddy-feeling due to PAWS, but I try to push myself so I can take care of him for a change. I'm constantly looking for ways to not be a burden anymore, because that feels like the least I can do. He tells me, constantly, to take care of myself first, but that makes me feel selfish. I already feel so selfish for asking for support during the wd time, and now in PAWS. I want to give back, even though I'm too drained to have anything of value to give.

So I get it. I'd like to think that this feeling of "owing" is a form of caring, because it is natural to want to pay back something that has been given to you. I also think that it is the best form of empathy/sympathy we have in this early recovery stage. Right now, I don't seem to have the strength to care about much, but I care about trying to be there for my husband like he has been there for me.

Does that make sense to you? The timing of all this tragedy couldn't be worse, but go with your instinct. Do what you can to pay back what you "owe," knowing that real caring will come when you're fully recovered.
 
It does make sense, in concept. While this might be the only way to view this at this time, its just the mental aspect of being a caring person by nature.

I guess the way I can best describe what I think should be the proper mind set is in relation to Xmas.

I would much rather give than receive, not for owing, but because of love and happiness seen in another. A sense of pride, worthiness, accomplishments and providing. Kind of pay it forward, not backward.

I just can't shake this feeling of selfishness, especially when its about her and her family, which I am a part of but not by blood. I just want my mind back. The part I've lost, I feel like a kid learning to walk for the first time.

Hope this makes some sense,

Bob
 
I hear you. I'm in the same place. Still trying to get my head together, too. Peace.
 
I see the best thing from all that's happened is that you are not considering using since this would be a perfect opportunity to justify it to yourself. As already mentioned, there is only so much you can do and just being available to do the small things that inevitably arise in an unexpected death is probably the best you can do.

I think that at 20 days clean many many people here, me included, would begin using again "just to get through the next few days" would be our justification. The fact that you are not considering using tells a lot about how far you have truly come.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top