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She wants marriage, and kids. Me? Not anytime soon...

~kira~

~kira~

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 27, 2017
Messages
162
Well. My SO and I have been together for 10 months. We both lived with our parents when we got together. Both are in our mid 20's. She has a 7 year old

We moved in together after 2 months of dating... too fast, possibly.

We do love and care about eachother a lot. I dont know if I am use to the child or not, but there are days I can not stand him and want to be as far away from him as possible.. i get irritated quickly lol.. i feel bad saying that because when he isn't being a brat and a monster he is a cool little kid. Her family...is also like this and they crazy!!

Like I said we live together, she also doesn't drive so i have to work around her schedule and that sucks at times. I've been turned down for jobs because of my limited schedule. I work at a local family owned pizza delivery place. I do make a lot of money, but the stress there/poor management/and lack of benefits sucks. But they do work around my schedule.

At this point I am sorry for rambling...

She isn't trying to save any money for a car or anything. She was under the impression that I can always drive her.

She has depression and mood swings and i dont know how exactly to approach her with these issues (and more to follow this post) i dont want to say something wrong and have her depression hit her hard.

She wants kids, I dont want another one in the house.. and she asked me last night if I would want to marry her. i told her no. Not yet. She got in a really sad mood.

I feel like a terrible human being, i really do. I do love her and care about her.

BUT. A part of me wants to break up with her. I really kind of want to go back to the single life. I haven't been able to be single and live my life the exact way I want to for quite some time. I really want to tell her this but I am afraid at what that will hold. Will she start crying uncontrollably or will she decide to try and kill herself? (Ya know...her depression..) the only reason i haven't brought this up to her is because I dont want to hurt her, and I don't want her to hurt herself. I feel trapped and have no idea what to do or how to do it.

Should I keep going living an okish type of life to keep her happy, or destroy her and break it off? Last one sounds horrible... she tells me she loves me so much and is completely in love with me. I literally have no idea how to handle this!!! :eek:


Edit. Want to add that she is really clingy. I do like clingy but if we are both off work we literally cant do anything apart from eachother. She doesn't like watching my TV shows or certain things so she wont be around then, but wants me to watch everything with her or do everything she wants to do.


Dont know how to bring any of this up, especially since we live together.
 
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her priority should be her child and not killing herself so she can protect and raise her offspring properly and appropriately. like a purpose for having someone she should be responsible for caring about.
but, of course, she won't see it that way.

maybe she can find a community support group to help her focus with this, like a 'first born program' or a new beginnings for help with community resources for building life skills in the best interest of the child and parent growing and learning proper independence and proper strength in empowerment. this requires focus and compassion from the strength of someone's sincerity of their heart.

did the little boy ask to be born. what is her motive for making children.

her first priority should be that life that she created and brought into this world.
i hope he finds safety and love he deserves for being born and all.

sorry for sounding behind the times, not up to date, and not giving a relevant opinion that just seems like something that should just be ovious since it seems like to me. ☹.
 
Hylight said:
her priority should be her child and not killing herself so she can protect and raise her offspring properly and appropriately. like a purpose for having someone she should be responsible for caring about.
but, of course, she won't see it that way.

maybe she can find a community support group to help her focus with this, like a 'first born program' or a new beginnings for help with community resources for building life skills in the best interest of the child and parent growing and learning proper independence and proper strength in empowerment. this requires focus and compassion from the strength of someone's sincerity of their heart.

did the little boy ask to be born. what is her motive for making children.

her first priority should be that life that she created and brought into this world.
i hope he finds safety and love he deserves for being born and all.

sorry for sounding behind the times, not up to date, and not giving a relevant opinion that just seems like something that should just be ovious since it seems like to me. ☹.
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I dont think she actually would do that honestly. But you never know. She is on meds for depression but she always forgets to take them. Her child was born when she was with her ex but he left her after that all happened. And she mainly wants a girl so I guess she would try until she got one? Lol
 
~kira~ said:
I dont think she actually would do that honestly. But you never know. She is on meds for depression but she always forgets to take them. Her child was born when she was with her ex but he left her after that all happened. And she mainly wants a girl so I guess she would try until she got one? Lol
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That's still her baby. It's not her life to take anymore until the child grows up. Then of course
she will make more.
( I would assume, but do not know why)
 
oh wait my edit: (i assume if she had a girl, she would be saying she wants a boy.) lol.
baby makers. s.m.h.

uh, yeah you can make 'em, can you take care of them. lol. do you really want to. If not, then don't fuckin do it.
 
LadyAlkaline said:
You really need to pull off the bandaid and end this. You already know what needs to be done.
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But how do i go about this? I mean on my end I dont talk to her too much about my feelings. This would be a huge surprise to her. I feel like no matter how I tell her she will get mad and be highly upset.
 
~kira~ said:
But how do i go about this? I mean on my end I dont talk to her too much about my feelings. This would be a huge surprise to her. I feel like no matter how I tell her she will get mad and be highly upset.
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I mean, there is no way out of this without making her upset. If you want to convey your feelings, write them down in a letter. End it, give her the letter and move on with your life. This person has no drive and no ambition. She is mentally unwell and not ready to follow a regimen. You don't want kids. She probably only wants kids to trap a spouse and for the attention. She wants to get married but doesn't have anything to offer you that you're lacking.

You feel trapped because you're trapping yourself.
You're already being held back by this arrangement. You are already unhappy. It is not going to get any better.

If I had to guess, I'd say you would be in your early.to mid 20s. Once you hit 30/35, you'll get very proficient in the words "fuck off"

This chick doesn't want a husband, she wants a parent to take care of her like a child. Does she even work? Does she do anything?

You need to pull up your big boy pants. You can't always do what is best for you while sparing another person's feelings.

You've been together two months. That is nothing. You owe her nothing more than what you have taken and promised.
 
LadyAlkaline said:
I mean, there is no way out of this without making her upset. If you want to convey your feelings, write them down in a letter. End it, give her the letter and move on with your life. This person has no drive and no ambition. She is mentally unwell and not ready to follow a regimen. You don't want kids. She probably only wants kids to trap a spouse and for the attention. She wants to get married but doesn't have anything to offer you that you're lacking.

You feel trapped because you're trapping yourself.
You're already being held back by this arrangement. You are already unhappy. It is not going to get any better.

If I had to guess, I'd say you would be in your early.to mid 20s. Once you hit 30/35, you'll get very proficient in the words "fuck off"

This chick doesn't want a husband, she wants a parent to take care of her like a child. Does she even work? Does she do anything?

You need to pull up your big boy pants. You can't always do what is best for you while sparing another person's feelings.

You've been together two months. That is nothing. You owe her nothing more than what you have taken and promised.
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I respect what you have said. But one thing, we have been together for 10 months... we moved in together after 2 months. (Thatvwas my stupidity.. wanted to get out of my parents house and saw a nice apartment for rent) we both are on the lease. If we were to split up I could afford it on my own. She would most likely move back to her moms house.

I guess that's one of the main issues. How the hell do I tell her since we live together? Is 10 months way to long to have waited? Before I continue though. I have enjoyed our relationship for the most part. And I do love her. I just dont feel like I want a relationship with anyone for a while. My life has been on hold for a while it seems and I want it back
 
what the problem is is simple

she is depending on you for too much

it is suffocating

in my eperience people are responsible for pulling themsleves out of their own mental black holes, and also for being motivated and getting their shit together

list all the positives about your relationship here and negatives to get an idea

cos u might ditch her cos people here say that then come back 2 weeks later crying wolf tears



also

if you have all these feelings but you cant talk to her because she will get upset/unstable then its not a real adult relationship cos discussion of problems and things that are upsetting either partner is a big issue and you should be able to address these before it gets to the break up stage

communication is essential- she has communicated a desire to lock u down with a baby, but where have you told her you are fed up of being a taxi and having no independence with your free time?
 
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Get out now! Don't prolong this. It's been 10 months, don't make it turn into years of being with the wrong person. She wants kids and marriage, you can't give her what she wants. The kid she already has is getting on your damn nerves. Head for ze hills! That way she can find someone who wants what she wants. You won't be wasting each other's time.
 
~kira~ said:
I respect what you have said. But one thing, we have been together for 10 months... we moved in together after 2 months. (Thatvwas my stupidity.. wanted to get out of my parents house and saw a nice apartment for rent) we both are on the lease. If we were to split up I could afford it on my own. She would most likely move back to her moms house.

I guess that's one of the main issues. How the hell do I tell her since we live together? Is 10 months way to long to have waited? Before I continue though. I have enjoyed our relationship for the most part. And I do love her. I just dont feel like I want a relationship with anyone for a while. My life has been on hold for a while it seems and I want it back
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10 months is still nothing in the grand scheme of things. I'd rather you broke up with me after 10 months than to waste 3 years of my life (which was the straw that broke the camel's back and I started shooting up. Went absolutely fucking NUTS. This was the 2nd relationship where the guy didn't want to tell me he wasn't interested in a real future, but liked having me around and drug it out for 3. Goddamn. Years.
 
I mean you know, you have to find someone who understands your weirdness and be comfortable with. In your case it sounds 50-50, it seems that you are stuck in a foggy gloom landscape where you've chosen the wrong pastel to paint with. No one around here asked but did you ever lived with a loved one previously? And your main reason is that you didn't had your life to yourself? you can still do these even if you have a relationship, should be a no brainer, lol.
 
Yeah there are some major red flags like how she moved in with you very fast, and is emotionally or psychologically manipulating you when you told her how you did not want to get married anytime soon, which is normal for your 20s. Also be careful she does not get pregnant in order to trap you into a relationship or marriage. I would just break up, and if you live together be very careful she does not go crazy and try to hurt you physically. When she contacts you again, do not go anywhere alone with her. Also make it clear why you are breaking up, and set boundaries, and verbally tell her this. Good luck.
 
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