she fucking tried to kill herself

[harraser]

about 20mins ago I found out that one of my best freinds in the world tried to kill herself.
she tried to OD on anti depressants.
i am so god damn angry.
Im angry at her cause she didnt even ask for help
Im angry at myself cause she obviously felt that she couldnt ask for help
but most of all Im angry cause I cant fucking cry.
why the fuck cant I just cry?
I know Id feel so much better but instead I sit here,furious cause there is no release from the anger and frustration and fucking hurt that I feel.
Im about readdy to get up and go and punch someone just cause I know that to have the shit beat out of me would take my mind off her.
I nearly just lost the first girl that I ever loved AND I CANT FUCKING CRY!!!! what the fuck is wrong with me?
Im trying to think of what Ill say to her but all I can think of is that I nearly lost her....what would I do if she had died? I dont think I could cope.
my mind is just numb,numb except for this blinding fury at myself and everything around me
I......I dont know what else to write, I thought this would help me to feel better but its too soon,all its doing is making me numb....
I just cant beleive it...and worst of all Im not surprised,i knew she might try this but couldnt think of anything to do.whenever I tried to talk to her she just shut me out and Im soo angry that I didnt try harder,I.....I just want to cry
No fuck that I just read over what I wrote and its not enough. for fucks sake....how? I njust dont get it, how could she?no thats a bad question cause I know why....
apparently this happened a few days ago so why the fuck did i only find out now? because noone fucking told me,and now her best freind tells me,her best freind is jess, another one of my very best of freinds.she would have told me sooner but she only found out last night...what the fuck is wrong with these people? dont her family and freinds realise that me and jess and her other good freinds would want to know? well fuck them! ahhh fuck it Im just getting myself worked up and Ive got nowhere to release the anger.....I think Ill go and drink myself into forgetting what happened,and then Ill keep drinking until I forget who I am, and then Ill keep drinking until....
[ 19 December 2001: Message edited by: harraser ]

 

[spinkle]

Dude, relax. Seriously. You *need* to chill out. The situation is not in your hands; it simply is what it is. No matter how angry, no matter how upset, no matter how hurt you are, *you are not in control of it*. If you love her, then make your love and concern clear. Don't accept being shut out by her. Open yourself to her and let her know that you will support her in whatever ways she needs. Just remind her that you are there, you know? And rely on your friends and family--they're here to support *you*.
(As for not being able to cry, I've been through that, and I still am to a certain degree--sometimes it gets so bad that I'm actually racked with sobs, but I still cannot cry and I don't get the benefit of the physical release, so I feel you on this one...)
And as for drinking--you probably shouldn't. Being blindingly drunk at a time like this seems like a great idea until you become hellaciously depressed. Don't hurt yourself because of the pain that what this girl has done has caused you--that directly affects *your* strength, and makes you less able to either support her or even take care of yourself.
One of my closest friends in the world--my songwriting partner--killed himself over Memorial Day weekend, using his parents BMW Z3 to take out three trees and a telephone pole on a mountain back road. I'm still reeling. Take this opportunity to share with your friend exactly how cherished and valued she is. *But* do not lose sight of the fact that *you* are just as important and that you *need* to take care of yourself--and be willing to accept support if you need it. Try and channel your anger in constructive directions...translate the passion of the emotions that you're feeling right now into expressing to this girl what she means to you. Show her how seriously you have been affected by this, but showing her your anger and resent will do little more than upset both of you even more.
I realize we don't know each other very well, but email me privately if you need anything, even just to vent.
I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, my heart goes out to you, man.
spinkle
[ 19 December 2001: Message edited by: spinkle ]

 

[PureEnlightment]

I'm sowwie u aren't able to cry I find this happens with me a lot. I want to but the tears never flow I hope you are able to coop with this soon

 

[harraser]

thanks heaps guys,Ive calmed down now,that was sort of just my initial outburst.....I dont know how to put it,it probably shouldnt have even been here,I probably should have put it in the dark side or something but I dont even think about that anymore I just come straight to words before checking anything else,its sort of like my home on the net anyway I spoke to her that night and well she seemed happier than she had for ages and we talked and shit so alls well.....except that now she's living in a psych ward but anyway thanks for your support.
luv ant

 

[5FACES]

I know how you feel and you are in my prayers!!