Sexual and Emotional Conundrum with Boss

[lonsdale]

Okay so this is my first post on a forum. I am in a very odd situation and could really use advise. I cannot really talk to my friends or family about it as I can never fully lay myself bare to them without fearing being judged, thus the anonymity of the forum appeals to me.

So I have just moved to a New City, new job and it's all going well. I was in a relationship with a crazy chick who was much younger than me, I am 27, she was 20. That ended in November.

Anyway at a work party for my new job, I ended up going home with my boss (she is my direct manager, 30 and a babe). So we had sex and then nothing really happened to progress the relationship in the next couple of weeks. I had been really hammered at the party and didn't really know how we had hooked up. Later she told me how she had basically told me I was going home with her that night..... We didnt talk really out side of work, was kinda awkward in work but was okay. Then a while ago I got drunk and told 2 colleagues that I had sex with her. They thought this was incredible and I got a lot of kudos, I swore them to secrecy, but I find that things very seldom stay secret...anyway as it happened me and my boss started texting, then meeting and having sex a lot, has been fantastic and we had started having feelings for each other.

A while back she made me aware of the fact that she and another guy who works with us(senior position) used to live together and they were planning on buying a house together and they had been together like a year and a half and this relationship only ended about a month before I had sex with her.

So obviously alarm bells should have been ringing, the situation is far from ideal, it cannot come out in work that we have been having sex and being together because the other senior guy is liable to flip and basically I would have very hard time staying working there.

So This was always in the back of my mind, I know the relationship in unattainable and any way she is starting to often say how she wants to start a family soon and settle down and I am still in my 20's and do pretty well with woman I guess I am very conflicted in that I really yearn to have a girlriend, someone to care for me and to love, but I also love going out, drinking with my buddies and getting chicks...kinda like a have your cake and eat it situation.

Anyway, I was out recently with my boss and other people I work with at a bar (really shit thing when me and my boss were out on nights out with people we couldn't be seen to be with each other, we just had to act like friends, something I hate doing, when I am with a girl I really like I feel like shouting it from the rooftops (as lame as that sounds), so anyway she had told me how she used to like seeing her ex flirt with other girls in clubs so she would get kinda jealous (funnily enough my last psych ex used to like this also), so I was really really hammered in the bar and kinda took this too far, I didn't kiss any other girl, but I basically spent the entire night talking to and chatting up other girls. I don't really remember the night, very hammered (something that is happening too much these days) and the next day my boss was texting me, being all pissed, saying I took it too far and how I was acting like a different person to the normal me, she has basically pulled the plug on the whole thing. But I still feel really strongly for her...and she works about 4 feet from me, her desk is opposite mine and my head is really fucked. Like a part of me is saying u lucky lucky boy getting out of this ludacris relationship before it turns in to an absolute shit storm...but then I really like her and wonder should I try pursue her (something I am not sure she wants)....I dunno this is just a really really messy situation and I would love somebodies opinion on what I should do. Apologies for terrible spelling and grammar by the way. Thanks

 

[kytnism]

there are multiple facets of the OP to address, but the biggest to stand out for me is this:

Anyway, I was out recently with my boss and other people I work with at a bar (really shit thing when me and my boss were out on nights out with people we couldn't be seen to be with each other, we just had to act like friends, something I hate doing, when I am with a girl I really like I feel like shouting it from the rooftops (as lame as that sounds), so anyway she had told me how she used to like seeing her ex flirt with other girls in clubs so she would get kinda jealous (funnily enough my last psych ex used to like this also), so I was really really hammered in the bar and kinda took this too far, I didn't kiss any other girl, but I basically spent the entire night talking to and chatting up other girls. I don't really remember the night, very hammered (something that is happening too much these days) and the next day my boss was texting me, being all pissed, saying I took it too far and how I was acting like a different person to the normal me, she has basically pulled the plug on the whole thing.

sometimes women will step out of their confidence zones, and reveal something kindred to the above for two reasons. one: to suggest confidence within themselves. which is easy to do, now that the other party involved is an "ex". and two: to test your faith in her, and see if you are a suitable and committed potential long term mate. im going to take a wild guess, on the basis that she has also made her intentions re: settling down and having children clear to you. her reaction speaks in volumes, and suggests that you failed. thats not to say that she wouldnt "work on it" given the opportunity, but for now she is questioning the worth in continuing a "union" (in multiple terms, casual, long term etc) with you.

there is a fine line between giving a woman space, and too much space. theyre very complex creatures and the only thing that will make her intentions apparent is time. she may be cold to you while trying to work out her feelings, but if she warms to you again, it could possibly be a sign that she has weighed up her pros and cons, and would like to "work on it".

good luck op, keep us updated.

...kytnism...

 

[Alex000]

As my late grandmother used to say your mind and your heart must be in agreement (I paraphrase). This is very true. You must let both your thoughts and your feelings guide you, and when in harmony, good decisions are most likely to be made. I guess you should ask yourself how much you value your boss versus how much you value your single life. If it is love, the solution seems clear, to pursue her, if not it is something you must consider. Don't be hasty unless you have a tendency to second guess yourself a lot. Sometimes it is best to go with your gut, sometimes more reflection is superior. It really depends. Follow your heart and your mind. You will find an answer, I am sure of it.

 

[Dizmal]

Maybe you got too drunk, and she seen you get shot down by another women? Or maybe you came off a tad seedy and desprate while you were drunk, hitting on all those differant women infront of her? It sounds like your pretty good with the ladies, but if you want my opinion tell her you feel like a ass for the other night and continue to go about your day to day life without thinking about it too much.

I have a feeling she will want to fuck again another time, after she realises you were just drunk and don't normally do that Then you can see what happens from there.. Women around that age group are the most confused and indecisive cretures in the world ime. Nothing is sometimes the best course of action.

 

[BeachBum4u]

I honestly don't know what to do with the women on your life but all that drinking and not remembering how you hooked up etc. is a bit "over the top", in my opinion. It's hard to make good decisions when you're trashed at the time you need to be the sharpest. Sounds like a maturity thing and at 27 or a bit older now, it's really time to grow up and start making sound decisions that will positively affect your career and your future. I'm not sure if any of these women play a part in your long-term future plans but if they don't, steer clear and start moving forward.

 

[GenericMind]

I'd just go with the flow while secretly starting to look for a new job.

Unless you think she's going to leave/get fired or you're going to stay with her forever, you're probably fucked at that job.

 

[morpher001]

Okay so this is my first post on a forum. I am in a very odd situation and could really use advise. I cannot really talk to my friends or family about it as I can never fully lay myself bare to them without fearing being judged, thus the anonymity of the forum appeals to me.

So I have just moved to a New City, new job and it's all going well. I was in a relationship with a crazy chick who was much younger than me, I am 27, she was 20. That ended in November.

Anyway at a work party for my new job, I ended up going home with my boss (she is my direct manager, 30 and a babe). So we had sex and then nothing really happened to progress the relationship in the next couple of weeks. I had been really hammered at the party and didn't really know how we had hooked up. Later she told me how she had basically told me I was going home with her that night..... We didnt talk really out side of work, was kinda awkward in work but was okay. Then a while ago I got drunk and told 2 colleagues that I had sex with her. They thought this was incredible and I got a lot of kudos, I swore them to secrecy, but I find that things very seldom stay secret...anyway as it happened me and my boss started texting, then meeting and having sex a lot, has been fantastic and we had started having feelings for each other.

A while back she made me aware of the fact that she and another guy who works with us(senior position) used to live together and they were planning on buying a house together and they had been together like a year and a half and this relationship only ended about a month before I had sex with her.

So obviously alarm bells should have been ringing, the situation is far from ideal, it cannot come out in work that we have been having sex and being together because the other senior guy is liable to flip and basically I would have very hard time staying working there.

So This was always in the back of my mind, I know the relationship in unattainable and any way she is starting to often say how she wants to start a family soon and settle down and I am still in my 20's and do pretty well with woman I guess I am very conflicted in that I really yearn to have a girlriend, someone to care for me and to love, but I also love going out, drinking with my buddies and getting chicks...kinda like a have your cake and eat it situation.

Anyway, I was out recently with my boss and other people I work with at a bar (really shit thing when me and my boss were out on nights out with people we couldn't be seen to be with each other, we just had to act like friends, something I hate doing, when I am with a girl I really like I feel like shouting it from the rooftops (as lame as that sounds), so anyway she had told me how she used to like seeing her ex flirt with other girls in clubs so she would get kinda jealous (funnily enough my last psych ex used to like this also), so I was really really hammered in the bar and kinda took this too far, I didn't kiss any other girl, but I basically spent the entire night talking to and chatting up other girls. I don't really remember the night, very hammered (something that is happening too much these days) and the next day my boss was texting me, being all pissed, saying I took it too far and how I was acting like a different person to the normal me, she has basically pulled the plug on the whole thing. But I still feel really strongly for her...and she works about 4 feet from me, her desk is opposite mine and my head is really fucked. Like a part of me is saying u lucky lucky boy getting out of this ludacris relationship before it turns in to an absolute shit storm...but then I really like her and wonder should I try pursue her (something I am not sure she wants)....I dunno this is just a really really messy situation and I would love somebodies opinion on what I should do. Apologies for terrible spelling and grammar by the way. Thanks

This is a toxic situation for you now.

It was an atrocious idea to do her in the first place, she's your bass and she knows you are a liability to her. Already you stuffed up your chances of promotion.

Then you went and told your mates and if you can't keep the secret, as if they will.

After she told you that she is just seeing you on the side, you disgrace yourself in front of other staff with a bunch of juvenile palavar trying to make her jealous. Now she knows for sure you are a liability and you might stuff up her sweet deal with this other dude. So no more sex for you, and she will be actively trying to get rid of you before you do something precipitous.

You need to apologize to her, throw in some subtle flattery to excuse your behavior, and assure her in no uncertain terms that you understand and respect her wishes and if she wants only a professional relationship from here on in, you are cool with that or anything else she might decide. This will at the least buy you enough time to get a job elsewhere. Should you decide not to move on, this also leaves the door open for her to approach you at some time down the track once she feels comfortable and in control again.

But really, your prospects at that employer are likely thoroughly fucked; and furthermore, if you do go down you may go down hard. She doesn't seem like a very moral lady, so whats to stop her claiming sexual harassment if things start going bad for her?

If you are employed elsewhere, she might keep you on as a toy boy. Beyond that, I would think very carefully about your chances of success if you think you can get her to dump the richer (?) and more senior guy to choose you instead to go halves in a house. Must sluts are shallow and why would you want one for a partner anyway, its not like you don't have irrefutable evidence of her loose morals.

PS I don't mean to sound judging, I've been down a similar road. A very different road, but they all end at the same place. You had a great time, you will remember it fondly; but walk away a wiser man.

 

[axl blaze]

that is a messy situation, man. I know how rewarding fucking your boss could be, but this just lends more truth to that old axiom: "never dip your pen in company ink"

she doesn't sound very stable. I would just cool it off with her immediately. secretly looking for other jobs isn't a bad idea. but I have a feeling if you ignore your boss-lady enough, she will only come back stronger. or she might just leave you alone - that is not so bad either, is it?

 

[Lysis]

I've been in a similar situation seeing a boss of mine at work. It turned out really bad, and looking back, I knew when shit was going down and should have left. I didn't. Actually I really liked the people I worked with and quit but then took back my resignation. It sucked. The whole situation lasted for 2 years and it sucked the soul out of me. I lost like 20 pounds in a month, and he wound up sleeping with another girl in the office while seeing me. It was so incredibly awful, and he would lie to me and tell me things that I would only find out wasn't true from snooping. On top of that, when shit REALLY went south, he used his position to make my life hell like making new rules that revolved around my job.

GM has the right idea. Play it cool and silently look for other jobs. This will NEVER blow over...ever. You will not be able to concentrate as much, and if you do move on to some other girl, you don't know if she's going to fuck you over because of it. I never would have thought my boss would be so incredibly vindictive, but he was. My team could see it too and used to tell me to find other work. He actually wound up getting fired after two years of all of this shit going on, and about 3-4 months after that, I got fired. It's a really bad place to be in, but you can resolve it all by finding another job. You can still see her if things get patched up, and you don't have to worry about the work drama.

 

[J.D.]

I'd just go with the flow while secretly starting to look for a new job.

Unless you think she's going to leave/get fired or you're going to stay with her forever, you're probably fucked at that job.

Exactly, this is not going to end well.