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Sex once in the last year

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comeintomylife

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 22, 2013
Messages
1
Hi, thought I'd post looking for some advice, not sure what I'm gonna get back but here goes:

I've been with my gf for almost a year and a half, we live together and have done for about 8 months now and everything is going well with the exception of our sex life.

It started about a year ago before we were living together we just stopped having sex. We were sleeping together a couple times a week, usually at the weekend when my we had time to ourselves (lived with parents who would go away a lot at the weekends). Eventually my parents stopped going away as much so we didn't have as much time to ourselves but even when we did we weren't having sex. She would say she wasn't in the mood. I kind of understood because at the same time she was having trouble with her family, hated living at home and was often upset about the relationships with her parents (separated) and her sister. Around the same time we were looking for a place to live together, it was quite soon but we had been friends before our relationship and it seemed right. We eventually found a place and moved in. Since living here for about 8 months we have had sex once; we were both very drunk. We have spoken about it numerous times and the problems she has been having with her family has been her number 1 reason for why shes not interested in sex anymore. She's fallen out completely with her sister (who she was very close with) and they don't speak and her relationship with one of her parents is rocky at best. I've been understanding and to be honest while sex isn't the most important thing to me (despite having quite a high sex drive) it's more the total lack of intimacy in anyway that is tearing me apart.

After talking about it again recently she broke down in tears and told me that the main reason is because when she was younger she was in a relationship where she felt the guy was kind of taking advantage of her and after becoming depressed from the issues with her family she cant stop thinking about that every time we tried to have sex.

It's got to the point now where we don't even try, I can barely touch her intimately (even putting my hand on her leg) without her pushing me away. I'm at a total loss as to what to do, I've said to her that she might need to speak to someone, like a professional, to work through the psychological problem that she seems to have with her ex but that was over a month ago and she hasn't mentioned it since. I think we both have a habit of avoiding our bad feelings, trying to make everything seem ok when really it isn't.

I know this is a bit long, and I'm not really sure what responses I'm hoping to get out of this but I just need to do something. In a way I'm scared to talk to her about it because I feel like every time we do talk, we both end up unhappy and nothing gets resolved.

Any advice, or help, or anything would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks
 
That's really tough, and its not fair to you or her. I think at the very least she revealed it very honestly her apprehension in having sex and I think whatever she told you happened to her may have been worse than she actually spoke about it. Nonetheless, its not fair to her either since a former boyfriend has so much control today about feeling good doing what normal people do. How people express themselves sexually has alot to do with someones feeling of self-worth and how in-control of their lives are.
When she has to be intimate she turns on "Victim" mode. Im a little curious about her past other-wise and if she had any experiences beyond her ex-, but I suppose thats besides the immediate point.

What I think is that first of all I think you handled this alot better than most guys would. You really are a sweetheart and she deserves someone like you. But she also needs to recognize your feelings, too. Also, she very readily recognized the problem and even offered herself to see someone professional about it so she's done alot more than other women would do. A year is a long time, so what I would suggest is not worry so much about the actual sex part (for now), but you may have to make an ultimatum to her to see help. If you threaten her to give in to sex "Or else" that wouldnt be fun for you or her and she may interpret is as "being used" again. If she has issues that affects her personal life so greatly as its doing for her then let her work it our professionally for the time being. Things should be able to mend themselves out if she's open and honest with whomever she speak to. If she's not going to see a Psychologist in spite of knowing this is unfair to you, thats another problem.


Edit: If you have to choose the best advice between myself or Llama, please choose me. Id like to think I didn't think about someone else's problem for nothing. Thanks.
 
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That's a tough situation for both of you. I would advise you to continue bringing up talking to a therapist. It isn't just so you can have sex... it's to help her be able to be more intimate (not just sex but you mentioned she pulled away when you put your hand on her leg... that's not good!!). Help her find a therapist.

Do you kiss much? Do you cuddle? Do you hug?
I'm just curious what your relationship is like in that regards.
Also, how old are you both?

It sounds like you really care about her (well TBH you do have to really care about someone to go eight months and only have sex once!)
 
I suggest that you seak counseling first (without her) so that you can properly handle the situation. If she doesn't want to go you can't make her but, If she sees that you are serious in wanting to help her and fix your relationship she may be persuaded. You have to take action yourself or things will get much worse.
 
You're saying that you were having sex, and then all of a sudden she just didn't want to put out? Did anything traumatic happen to her the time when she stopped showing any interest?

I suffer from depression and have had a number of family issues. My ex girlfriend didn't give a fuck about me, and just wanted me for sex and company. Yet I still have a high sex drive.

There might be other issues that she doesn't want to talk about. In either case, it'd be best to talk with her about it, and try to at least be intimate again. The more she avoids the problem, the worse it will get.
 
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