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Sex Drive

lovebugg

lovebugg

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 5, 2012
Messages
48
Location
The most bitchin' beach in the south
My husband is an addict, an opiate addict. He takes morphine and opana daily, plus others non-opiate meds. He was addicted to methadone for many years and still scores it about once or twice a week.

We've been together for years, but we have only been married for a little more than one year.

Within months after we started dating, I noticed an extreme decline in his sex drive. It seemed like he had a high sex drive mainly when he was high on coke, XTC, or whatever. This was before I knew he was an opiate addict.

Now, we are married and his sex drive is still the pits. Several times over the years, we've talked about it and the effects that it's having on me and our relationship. We have not had sex in 5 months...no first anniversary sex, no birthday sex. I still initiate sex or try to initiate sex, but he acts like he doesnt want it and never iniates sex.

Sex in my marriage is important to me, I have a high sex drive and he knows that I do...he'll flirt with me, be affectionate, and lead me to believe we're going to have sex. then, something always happens with him that completely removes sex from the equation. what is supposed to be sex ends up a cuddle and i remain in a state of sexual frustration. We still talk about it, but it's a problem that continues to grow. now when we talk about it, he uses it as ammo..he'll say stuff like "you know, keeping on bringing it up, just makes it worse..."

I just dont understand...its taking a toll on my self esteem. :?

Now that i've aired my laundry to really just want to know, is it normal/typical for an opiate addict to put sex on the backburner? What are some things that could help? Anyone else experience this with thier SO or themselves?
 
Absolutely, it is normal. For someone addicted to opiates (such as my former self), alternative forms of pleasure almost always go straight to the backburner if there's a chance to take the drug instead. Even when I wasn't using daily, I had a lot of trouble wanting sex. I "wanted" it in the sense that I know it's pleasurable and great and that I should be up to rising to the challenge, but a big part of me just couldn't transition my feelings about sex from fantasy to reality.

Plus, being on opiates makes achieving and maintaining an erection markedly more difficult.

For these reasons, I would suggest that you don't let this situation crush your self-esteem, because it absolutely sounds as though this situation originally spawned from, and continues to be fostered by, the drugs. But it does not sound representative of how your husband feels about you emotionally.

However.

It being the drugs and not you doesn't legitimize the destructive influence the lack of a sexual partnership is causing for you! 5 months is an incredibly long time, and to have so consistently missed out on momentous occasions (one year anniversary? Really?) spells disaster for you and your husband. The underlying issue needs to be specifically addressed - that is, a consensus between you two as to what the root cause of it all is. Only then can the two of you begin to approach a resolution. If even for the sake of the marriage alone and not for himself, would you think your husband to be the type to consider sobriety, or at the very least seeking marriage and/or drug counseling (the former would necessarily require your participation, too, but I think it would be a liberating endeavor for you)?

Please let us know how things progress. Much love.
<3
~ Vaya
 
I have been a heroin addict for around 11 years and I also take methadone and I have no sex drive whatsoever.
My wife died in 2002 and I have not had sex since then and I do not miss it all.
What I can tell you though is when I have occasionally got clean for a month or two my sex drive returns with a vengeance.
If your other half gets off the opiates then I think that your sex life would pick up once again.
 
My sex drive didnt take too big of a hit when i was using heroin. The erection thing is a bitch but i love to eat a girl out so it was... a tolerable problem i guess. After getting off opioids/opiates it returned with a raging vengeance and i was left with an erect diamond cutter cock for ~60% of my waking hours. I literally wanted to fuck every girl i saw (had a nice spree going in treatment and right when i got out). Tell him to get on subs for a couple days every now and then for a fuck fest, thats what i used to do for my ex.
 
It is not you at all! Opiates do tend to kill the sex drive completely. I know when I was on tramadol (also experienced the same thing with suboxone), I had no desire at all to have sex -- even when I didn't take it for a few days. I had to turn my girlfriend down so many times which made her question her attractiveness, which had nothing to do with it . Only in retrospect can I see that this was very unfair to her. Once I got off it completely though, my sex drive returned with a vengeance and is perhaps higher than my pre-tramadol days -- and it doesn't look like it is going away anytime soon.

It would be a good idea to talk about it. My girlfriend confronted me about my dead sex drive and we had a long talk. It was a strong push in the right direction that helped me get clean.
 
It would be a good idea to talk about it.
Click to expand...

Ive been clean for like month now (buprenorphine), and still dont have desire to sex.. Of course I think about it, Im young and it should be part of my life.. But guess not @ the moment.

These are some hard issues.
 
thanks for the feedback.

...sad thing is that we have talked about it several times..the issue is totally acknowledged but it nothing really changes.

he denies that his opiate addiction plays a part in any of this...he becomes easily offended when i suggest that his opiate addiction could have something to do with it. naturally, i feel as though i should assume some responsibility..idk.

although its unfortunate, i am glad to know that it is something that other opiate addicts are/have experiencing.

these are some tough issues indeed.
 
^OP,

If the issue has already been discussed ad nauseum with no progress/results, it's most definitely time to either seek joint counseling or provide him with an ultimatum. The alternatives are much worse, in my opinion - eventual divorce due to feeling rejected and lack of intimacy/presence of addiction, or spending the rest of your life unhappily married :(

I think neither your husband nor yourself would necessarily be okay with the latter. But if he is refusing to change or make an effort to address your deep-rooted concerns through action, then it may very well be that he is so deeply into drug addiction that he can't, or simply can't, stop for you and/or himself. I have been there. It is tremendously painful, and just as tremendously possible to occur.

It could only be for the best in both the short- and long-term.
You are an extremely courageous and strong woman for continuing to bring this sticky subject to your husband's attention despite his reactionary responses.

Continue to be strong.
Above all else, be well.
<3

~ Vaya
 
my opiate use resulted in my sexual relationship with my girlfriend of 9 years rapidly declining, to the point that she left me 2 months ago, i would either be high or in wd's and couldn't give her the physical attention she needs

i would do anything to be intimate with her again, but now as i am single my drug use has spiked rapidly to basically kill off my emotions and sense of loss
 
You could also consider that in conjunction with his opiate habit surely decreasing his libido, he may also be embarrassed about revealing a possible case of erectile dysfunction? It could, as stated earlier, be an issue with just being too high to stay erect, but he could also have had an issue before the opiates.

I feel its much more likely his desire to get high rather than to have sex, and that he probably doesn't feel like nor doesn't feel all too able to have sex while high. Don't blame yourself, just be assertive in expressing your emotions, and how unfair this is for you in what is supposed to be a mutually beneficial relationship. Not to be a home-wrecker here, but I hope his habit isn't causing financial issues for you guys either, starving you of food and not just sex would be a big no-no. He's probably just awash in his ways, and needs a moment of clarity that you have the power to create.

Good luck!
 
Sorry, i forgot the bit about him having quite the sex drive while high on various uppers, ha!

But my second paragraph remains pertinent! I have faith that he can change his ways for you.
 
Me and my girl always fuck while on opiates/opiods, Methadone, Vicodin, Heroin, Oxycodone, etc... It makes me last way longer. :P' Never cum, she does though..
 
^give it a few more years of daily usage :P. Not being able to cum got old for me as she would get off but no matter how hard i tried, i could not :(
 
In my experience, opiates (negatively) affect the sex drive of men a lot more than they do women. It could partially be due to the performance issues, but I also think that there's more going on (I know that I lost my mental drive as well). It's a crazy thing, really. I've always had an extremely high sex drive, but while addicted to heroin, I couldn't care less about anything sexual. It was amazing, really, how it completely shut down. About two weeks after I quit, I regained my libido. Ever since, I've felt like I'm 14 again (which is quite frustrating right now for me, but not nearly as bad as, you know, being physically addicted to heroin).

To the OP, it's likely not going to get better unless he gets clean. I'm just telling you like it is. I'm sorry that you are going through this. :(
 
thanks for all of the replies and discussion..

its a situation that i never anticipated snowballing. going from sex everyday to sex once a week, then to sex once a month, now its going on 5 months no sex (FUCKIN' HELL).

i now understand better from the posts on here...and i feel a little better knowing that its not me and that so many others have experienced what he is experiencing...i'd love to hear from/about someone in my shoes and how they coped.
i cant get him clean or fight his battles but i love the shit out of him. i have always been the pure in his life.

he's been on opitates for manyyyyy years, gone through rehab and got clean...then slowly got back into using again.
i have found alternate means to find self satisfaction and self worth, which is working okay for me. he is fully aware of this sacrifice that is being made. i dont know whether he realizes that it could lead down the wrong path in our marriage, but i know its been discussed. i am strong enough to try to keep our marriage from straying down the wrong path..in some ways, it probably already has.

i still have faith and confidence in him. when he decides that enough is enough, i hope to be on the victory side, still standing with him.

i accept him with his imperfections and he takes me for who i am.
one day at a time...or something like that.
i am not unhappy...just not fully satisfied. i have so many reasons to be happy :)
 
there will be no sex until he cleans up :( my drive is infinite and my girlfriend is gorgeous, but when i was on the opiates i had absolutely no interest in anything sexual. To attempt to deal with my girlfriend's - similar to lovebugg's - feelings of less-than, not pretty enough, sexually frustrated i would occasionally indulge her in some cunni-lingus or even have sex (which was boring, not exciting, and there was no chance of orgasming for me while on the opiates.) Eventually, i wouldn't even do that for her. I then proceeded to decimate her finances, her relationship with her family, and total her car.

I love(d) her with all my heart, and were on the road to eventually get married. She knew the sober version of me, and our relationship was so good when i was sober, that she held on through 9 months of hell. She heard me talk at meetings, and would hear me talk with sponsees, about the animal i become when on the opiates, but i guess a part of her believed it would different or that our love for one another would prevail over opiate addiction. Totaling the car when i was supposed to be going to a "job interview" was the last straw and she didn't take my calls while i was in institutions/rehab/soberliving. Sux.

I am happy to report that her letting me go was the catalyst i needed to clean up again. And we've actually been back together for 2 months. Initially it was extremely awkward, as I put her through the wringer and at the end she was terrified of me (i'm take on animal-level survival / criminal / infinitely self serving traits when actively using) but we got past it. And once again we fuck like rabbits. =)

@lovebugg - is your husband a chronic pain patient? or is he just using opiates again... you said he was clean before... it's tricky if he has severe chronic pain (spinal fusion type stuff) and _has_ to be on the pills. if his injuries are less severe he probably shouldn't be on hardcore opiates (Opana/Dilaudid/Oxycontin/Fentanyl are in this group) and is most likely abusing the stuff. Its possible that he loves you from the bottom of his heart (i did) but is incapable of truly expressing it. If this is the case, not being satisfied sexually is just the tip of the iceburg... The ball is in your court. If you can content yourself with optimism, and taking care of your own needs as opiate addiction consumes his entire existence - god bless. My girlfriend did the same for me. She was always "the pure in my life" too. And i couldn't change until she let go.

Tough decisions loom ahead, methinks. Update us, you will. Be happy, you must.

-lm
 
When I first started taking opiates I would have sex all the time. But as time went on any desire to have sex vanished completely. And this has been the case for many other people I know who abuse opiates. Opiates were all the satisfaction I needed, sex paled in comparison. Even now that I've been mostly clean I have very little sex drive which has definitely caused problems between my boyfriend and I. He blames me sometimes and other times he takes it the wrong way, that he must not be attractive to me anymore. Unfortunately, sex or lack of sex can have a big impact on relationships :(
 
Chronic opiate use and abuse led my testosterone to bottom out last year at the ripe old age of 26. I am now on testosterone replacement therapy (at first gel, now once-monthly shots) and have never felt better in terms of sex drive (at 27 you better believe thats important to me).

All I can offer is to have your husband get his testosterone levels checked and if need be, be placed on replacement therapy.
 
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