tomindetroit
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Aug 12, 2015
- Messages
- 5
Severe drug-induced brain damage does not permit me to sleep;need to suicide
TLDR. Im a loner whose first 18 years of life consisted of severe physical and mental abuse from my parents and my peer group. When my very first friend and very first girlfriend dumped me, I had nothing to live for and had a total nervous breakdown, and stayed suicidal from ages 15-23. I stopped being able to sleep. I became a cocaine addict, and started taking sleeping pills. initially I only had a problem with the cociane, and took the sleeping pills responsibly. I cleaned myself up after finding true love an amazing woman, and entered graduate school, while continuing to use sleeping pills responsibly. after my dreams of becoming an electrical engineer shattered, i started abusing the sleeping pills i legitimately needed, trying to sleep my life away. Now I have horrific tolerances to ALL cns depressant drugs, and not even a 180mg clonazepam is guaranteed to knock me out. Now that I finally want my life, it's too late because my brain is so damaged I can't have any reasonable quality of life. I'm 28, and for the first time since I was 23 I want to kill myself. How ironic, sad, and pathetic.
Long verion
I am a 28 year old male who was severely physically and mentally abused by his parents & his peer group, as well as completely friendless. i started smoking pot at age 11 and it was my medicine. at 15 i made my first friend and first love; for once i had something to live for, and we were together for 3 years. when she dumped me for another guy, i became suicidal and had a complete and utter nervous breakdown. i had no friends, no family, no job, no hobbies, and no life, she was my all. for months she played cruel games with me, telling me to meet her at strange places at 4 in the morning to get back together again, which idiot me did for months, but of course would never show up. i trained myself to stay awake for this piece of shit, and i stopped being able to sleep completely. pot no longer helped, within a few months i began to abuse hard drugs alone in my bedroom.
after about half a year i caved saw a psychichiatrist who prescribed me 6mg lunesta and 1mg clonazepam for severe chronic insomnia. these were the only drugs i did not abuse, and stayed on them for over half a decade without abusing them. even still, as a result, i suffered from insomnia, and remained suicidal from ages 15-23 over that piece of shit (if she would have asked me to kill myself would have done it in a heartbeat). i continued to have zero friends; the only people i knew were drug dealers. at i met a new girl,unbelievably i fell in love again, something i never thought possible. for once i wanted to live! she treated me with caring, love, and compassion. however, by this time i had become a serious drug addict, mainly to cocaine, but i got sober, for my new girl and for me, and stayed sober for a year.
That year was a glorious year in my life. I was 24 i was in school and in love and saw a bright future. The thought of suicide, with me nonstop from ages 17-23, was lifted. Full of confidence, i was admitted to graduate school to become an electrical engineer. I wasn't good enough and flunked out, and my confidence deflated and i sank deep into depression. Then i made the biggest mistake of my life - severely depressed (though not suicidal), i started abusing my sleeping pills that i legitimately needed, because i wanted to sleep my life away. then they stopped working, so i started buying more and more sleeping pills off the street. i rationalized, that since i was not abusing cocaine,that what i was doing wasnt that harmful. 3 years later, 180mg clonazepam won't necessarily even knock me out anymore. Last month, the last sleep aid that worked at all became ineffective, and ive become suicidal again, for the first time in 4 years. It's a sad irony that i realized that even though i now want my life, my brain is now too damaged to to function properly, so I do not have much of a choice.
Please everyone, take care of your brains. I can't believe I did this to myself, I don't even enjoy GABaergic drugs, i just wanted to sleep and stop thinking about being a failure.
Reading over this i can't believe how pathetic it is. and no, there isn't anything out there that can knock me out, i know all the cns depressant out there and an extremely tolerant to all of them, see this thread for details. i can no longer smoke my weed because it gives me extreme panic attacks. thank you for listening. theres no future for me.
http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads...aergics-sleep-aids-thinking-of-killing-myself
TLDR. Im a loner whose first 18 years of life consisted of severe physical and mental abuse from my parents and my peer group. When my very first friend and very first girlfriend dumped me, I had nothing to live for and had a total nervous breakdown, and stayed suicidal from ages 15-23. I stopped being able to sleep. I became a cocaine addict, and started taking sleeping pills. initially I only had a problem with the cociane, and took the sleeping pills responsibly. I cleaned myself up after finding true love an amazing woman, and entered graduate school, while continuing to use sleeping pills responsibly. after my dreams of becoming an electrical engineer shattered, i started abusing the sleeping pills i legitimately needed, trying to sleep my life away. Now I have horrific tolerances to ALL cns depressant drugs, and not even a 180mg clonazepam is guaranteed to knock me out. Now that I finally want my life, it's too late because my brain is so damaged I can't have any reasonable quality of life. I'm 28, and for the first time since I was 23 I want to kill myself. How ironic, sad, and pathetic.
Long verion
I am a 28 year old male who was severely physically and mentally abused by his parents & his peer group, as well as completely friendless. i started smoking pot at age 11 and it was my medicine. at 15 i made my first friend and first love; for once i had something to live for, and we were together for 3 years. when she dumped me for another guy, i became suicidal and had a complete and utter nervous breakdown. i had no friends, no family, no job, no hobbies, and no life, she was my all. for months she played cruel games with me, telling me to meet her at strange places at 4 in the morning to get back together again, which idiot me did for months, but of course would never show up. i trained myself to stay awake for this piece of shit, and i stopped being able to sleep completely. pot no longer helped, within a few months i began to abuse hard drugs alone in my bedroom.
after about half a year i caved saw a psychichiatrist who prescribed me 6mg lunesta and 1mg clonazepam for severe chronic insomnia. these were the only drugs i did not abuse, and stayed on them for over half a decade without abusing them. even still, as a result, i suffered from insomnia, and remained suicidal from ages 15-23 over that piece of shit (if she would have asked me to kill myself would have done it in a heartbeat). i continued to have zero friends; the only people i knew were drug dealers. at i met a new girl,unbelievably i fell in love again, something i never thought possible. for once i wanted to live! she treated me with caring, love, and compassion. however, by this time i had become a serious drug addict, mainly to cocaine, but i got sober, for my new girl and for me, and stayed sober for a year.
That year was a glorious year in my life. I was 24 i was in school and in love and saw a bright future. The thought of suicide, with me nonstop from ages 17-23, was lifted. Full of confidence, i was admitted to graduate school to become an electrical engineer. I wasn't good enough and flunked out, and my confidence deflated and i sank deep into depression. Then i made the biggest mistake of my life - severely depressed (though not suicidal), i started abusing my sleeping pills that i legitimately needed, because i wanted to sleep my life away. then they stopped working, so i started buying more and more sleeping pills off the street. i rationalized, that since i was not abusing cocaine,that what i was doing wasnt that harmful. 3 years later, 180mg clonazepam won't necessarily even knock me out anymore. Last month, the last sleep aid that worked at all became ineffective, and ive become suicidal again, for the first time in 4 years. It's a sad irony that i realized that even though i now want my life, my brain is now too damaged to to function properly, so I do not have much of a choice.
Please everyone, take care of your brains. I can't believe I did this to myself, I don't even enjoy GABaergic drugs, i just wanted to sleep and stop thinking about being a failure.
Reading over this i can't believe how pathetic it is. and no, there isn't anything out there that can knock me out, i know all the cns depressant out there and an extremely tolerant to all of them, see this thread for details. i can no longer smoke my weed because it gives me extreme panic attacks. thank you for listening. theres no future for me.
http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads...aergics-sleep-aids-thinking-of-killing-myself
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