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severe depressive stints - advice pls

theartofwar

theartofwar

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 29, 2009
Messages
3,263
Location
Boston
Life isn't easy for anyone - I've gone from a total train wreck to really making progress. A lot of mental problems that before kept me from leaving my house w / out drugs or even w / them sometimes are slowly and steadily adapting to progress. Their are simply put too many areas to mention - but things are HARD , however , the are improving - EXCEPT ... In a blink of my eye I go from "normal(lol)" to severe depressive - their is no definite time table for how long it lasts - as I've had it be a day and a week + . This is absolutely debilitating for me, I have found ways to still continue to work and even go out some, but I am terrified that it is becoming too much. I am currently in this state and I do not have a single feeling of joy and peace in anything , using drugs does nothing ( I know this is not the answer to the problem, so please try to refrain from the finger wagging). I am amazed that good coke literally is overpowered by the severity of this episode..... I partied hard this past weekend , same blow n booze etc , great euphoric time , slept well after. Wake up and the same substance is nullified. I truly wish I could slip away in my sleep without anyone being hurt (during these periods, not in general, I do love life). Their is absolutely no word to describe utter emptiness from happiness / peace. What the fuck can I do during these periods ? And do any of you get this way ?
thank you for reading , peace.
 
I know exactly what you mean and it just feels like I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of highs and lows. I've felt emptiness beyond words. After expiriencing such euphoric highs on the weekends and through out the week sometimes I wonder if it's destroyed my ability to enjoy life and the simple things I used to be content with. I can't even tell if I want to die or not.... I just know I don't feel right even after seeking help from doctors and psychiatrists
 
^^ where in ohio are you from?

TAOW....I'm there with you man, and I can't say there's a way out that I know of. I use drugs as much as possible to escape it too. I don't know why I don't enjoy anything anymore, it's hard to even force the energy to get out of bed and dress myself or shower most days and I don't want to let people see that but fuck...I don't even fucking care anymore, all I see is anxiety, paranoid, self hatred, depression. But if I admit this to others I'm a "weak emo bastard"
 
I have a docs appointment at 3 just to get a script but he is intent on evaluating my mental health - i never put down PTSD or any menal symptoms on the patient info (suboxone doc) - he starts prodding - it got pretty fucking tense fast. I bit my lip and just said when I was younger bad things happened. I thought it would be over .. like its clear i was not comforable talking about it ... but he asks well what types and lists things off casually "verbal , rape , phsyical beatings" like he was asking if i wanted pickles on a sandwhich. Luckily I made it out without a real problem but I had to be very blunt and threaten his practice with a call from my lawyer (this is the last thing I would want to do, i hate the "sue everyone country" america has turned into). I want to make it thru my probation so what option do i have, i had to just use the one tool i had.

I see him at 3pm, for the week two follow up, if he begins with questions I will tell him that dose is fine and I do not wish to talk about anything in regards to other mental areas. God help me if this fuck doesn't have it sink in, I am already trying to stay calm about the thought - literally feels violating he is so fucking stupid and coy scribbling down the areas of my life that left me suicidal and throwing out a few nuggets like, "well some addicts find that drugs are actually medicating a problem that you may not know exists".

I don't know, this depression makes it so hard to stay under control and the topics brought up make me MORE depressed. It's just gonna be a real challenge, all I can do is try, and I will.
 
zombiesarepeaceful said:
^^ where in ohio are you from?

TAOW....I'm there with you man, and I can't say there's a way out that I know of. I use drugs as much as possible to escape it too. I don't know why I don't enjoy anything anymore, it's hard to even force the energy to get out of bed and dress myself or shower most days and I don't want to let people see that but fuck...I don't even fucking care anymore, all I see is anxiety, paranoid, self hatred, depression. But if I admit this to others I'm a "weak emo bastard"
Click to expand...

I was there before - now I don't care about being depressed , i recognize it and all. I care that I am stuck in a episode that leaves me no reason to live. My emotions range from fight / flight ONLY. It's important to be severely careful but when you just don't care about yourself - it's so fucking hard - I have a good support system and it's holding me together as best as possible. I'm just fed up, if this sounds bitchy maybe it is and I don't wish to come across as just some complaining bitch , i don't think I can even attempt to voice this anywhere anyhow else. Is what it is.
 
zombiesarepeaceful said:
^^ where in ohio are you from?

TAOW....I'm there with you man, and I can't say there's a way out that I know of. I use drugs as much as possible to escape it too. I don't know why I don't enjoy anything anymore, it's hard to even force the energy to get out of bed and dress myself or shower most days and I don't want to let people see that but fuck...I don't even fucking care anymore, all I see is anxiety, paranoid, self hatred, depression. But if I admit this to others I'm a "weak emo bastard"
Click to expand...

Dayton, about 45 minutes north of Cincinnati
 
theartofwar said:
I was there before - now I don't care about being depressed , i recognize it and all. I care that I am stuck in a episode that leaves me no reason to live. My emotions range from fight / flight ONLY. It's important to be severely careful but when you just don't care about yourself - it's so fucking hard - I have a good support system and it's holding me together as best as possible. I'm just fed up, if this sounds bitchy maybe it is and I don't wish to come across as just some complaining bitch , i don't think I can even attempt to voice this anywhere anyhow else. Is what it is.
Click to expand...

It's scary how similar you sound to me bro, I mean seriously.
And bluelight is the only place I voice this too. I don't even tell my shrink I have suicidal thoughts and shit.
 
Escapedysphoria said:
it just feels like I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of highs and lows. I've felt emptiness beyond words. After expiriencing such euphoric highs on the weekends and through out the week sometimes I wonder if it's destroyed my ability to enjoy life and the simple things I used to be content with. I can't even tell if I want to die or not....
Click to expand...


this pretty much describes me. ive been an up and down emotional mess for quite a long time now, to the point that i couldnt feel proper emotions anymore. however i quickly improved after cutting down on dodgy drugs
 
theartofwar said:
I have a docs appointment at 3 just to get a script but he is intent on evaluating my mental health - i never put down PTSD or any menal symptoms on the patient info (suboxone doc) - he starts prodding - it got pretty fucking tense fast. I bit my lip and just said when I was younger bad things happened. I thought it would be over .. like its clear i was not comforable talking about it ... but he asks well what types and lists things off casually "verbal , rape , phsyical beatings" like he was asking if i wanted pickles on a sandwhich. Luckily I made it out without a real problem but I had to be very blunt and threaten his practice with a call from my lawyer (this is the last thing I would want to do, i hate the "sue everyone country" america has turned into). I want to make it thru my probation so what option do i have, i had to just use the one tool i had.

I see him at 3pm, for the week two follow up, if he begins with questions I will tell him that dose is fine and I do not wish to talk about anything in regards to other mental areas. God help me if this fuck doesn't have it sink in, I am already trying to stay calm about the thought - literally feels violating he is so fucking stupid and coy scribbling down the areas of my life that left me suicidal and throwing out a few nuggets like, "well some addicts find that drugs are actually medicating a problem that you may not know exists".

I don't know, this depression makes it so hard to stay under control and the topics brought up make me MORE depressed. It's just gonna be a real challenge, all I can do is try, and I will.
Click to expand...

AOW, if you are feeling uncomfortable I would tell him.
If he is asking something in a detached way and it is making you feel uneasy I would say,
''look, this is a very traumatic thing for me to talk about, you may not understand the depths of trauma I have been through and I just want you to know that if you are going to ask me questions of a sensitive nature I need you to respect the fact that it is difficult for me to answer them.
I feel full of anxiety, and fear just discussing this so please bear this in mind or perhaps you could arrange for someone else, who is more qualified in dealing with trauma survivers, to evaluate me as I am struggling to even get the help I need at the moment. ''

There is no shame in expressing how you feel to these people there and then. Rather than carrying it around and rage building up inside you when you are alone with yourself.
I really think most people respond better when you can clarify what is going on for you and focus on your own experience of the situation instead of projecting on to the person evaluating you.

Their detachment is usually down to the fact they arent trained to deal with anything other than graphs and statistics etc 8) Very often they can be really good with what they do(gathering data and evaluating, clasifying and so on) but have the people skills of a Droid!!
They sometimes dont 'get' what its like to be on the other side of the clipboard. This is not something to take personally but is totally understandable hun. Perhaps, bare in mind that feeling threatened doesnt mean you are being threatened. <3
 
theartofwar said:
So how are you guys dealing with it ???
Click to expand...

I don't have a lot of ways to deal with this, but I will list what I have done...

* quit using heroin, stayed on Suboxone
* got diagnosed with ADHD, got on medication
* exercise as much as possible
* talking to friends
* avoid drugs I normally don't enjoy the comedown from (I.e. coke)

However I think you already know all of these things. You have come a long way TAOW.

I can also understand how you felt with your Suboxone Dr. Because when you are feeling horrible, the last thing you want to do is talk about the worst things in life.

It is also important to understand many people haven't experienced anything like drug withdrawal, physical/sexual abuse, near death experiences, trauma, or even something minor like a fender-bender of a car accident. Some people probably haven't even jammed a finger or even broke a nail.

So for those types of people, when they list off potential issues like your doctor did, it's not like he is asking you if you want pickles on your sandwich (even though that is what it sounds like), he probably just doesn't know how to address such issues properly.

You probably felt deeply offended by his lack of empathy, or kind of like he shouldn't ask so many questions at once. It might have even felt demeaning like "oh what's your problem?", but I think it is just that these psychiatrists don't have proper training to deal with people who have PTSD. They also try to cram in a lot of questions/answers into a 5 minute window of time.

Realistically, this might work for someone who has started opiates because they were a little depressed from their marriage falling apart, or for someone else who started using heroin for pain management, but this is obviously not working for you.

I would find a concise and kind way to explain to him that it will take a great deal of time to carefully go over everything you have been through, as you or I surely have a lot of things that have gone awry in our lives and not just one or two things.
 
Yeh Captain Heroin hit a lot of nails on the head with that post.

I will basically mirror his format/what he said. Things I did that lifted my depression:

Quit using pods/morphine/oxies (led to too much compulsive behavoir and time in wds)
Got on suboxone
Focusing on career, obtaining LCSW, and *trying to gain meaningful employment
If I don't have the power to lift weights I at least try to slap on my I-pod and go for a run
Eating more nutritious meals, getting a minimum of 3 a day max of 6 small meals
Make sure you are eating enough veggies
I keep a gallon container of water with some creatine in it, 5000mg sodium ascorbate, and make sure I drink at least one full bottle a day.
L-tyrosine, L-taurine, and L-theanine are the "3 happy protiens", along with B-6 they definitely help
improve my mood and allow the suboxone to work more efficiently

No real friends yet but I honestly don't care about having friends. Friends can be fun but most of the time they are annoying and full of drama. Although a nice chill GF would be nice. But more important to get myself healthy before I start thinking about that stuff.

Take it one step at a time never put more than you can eat on one plate.
Last, you were recently on opiates and now you are not. Theres a very good chance along with your bi-polar that PAWs are aggravating your depressive episodes. You said coke would not reverse it but I imagine an opiate would. We talked on the phone about you going to a sub dr and I thought that was a great idea. Just to stablize you for a few years so you can work and get your life together. I think honestly opiates may be very therapeutic for your bipolar illness. I am NOT A DOCTOR but you always seem to find them again in one way or another. So maybe you realize to some degree that they actually help, but you have issues moderating your use. Thats why I think sub would be a great decision. I haven't had one really depressed day since being on it, although I still do have my crazy/angry days. But it works so well for my anxiety/panic disorder I may just say on it for life.

G/luck either way bro I'm sure you'll pull through this crap and find a way to improve your life. Just stay focused because thats one of the hardest things to do when you are depressed.
 
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Escapedysphoria said:
I know exactly what you mean and it just feels like I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of highs and lows. I've felt emptiness beyond words. After expiriencing such euphoric highs on the weekends and through out the week sometimes I wonder if it's destroyed my ability to enjoy life and the simple things I used to be content with. I can't even tell if I want to die or not.... I just know I don't feel right even after seeking help from doctors and psychiatrists
Click to expand...

I relate to this intensely. I too spent a long time as a weekend warrior, fuck I had some good times, but I do wonder whether I just took too much ecstasy and speed and K and coke and everything to ever be able to reset my mind. I was once a vibrant and popular high-achiever; now I have no interest in people, cannot listen to music and try to avoid the world as much as possible. Still I'm taking small steps.

S
 
I suffer quite badly with mood problems related to my chronic pain issues. I feel you bro coz sometimes the mental pain is worse than the physical pain. It's early days for me in trying to beat the short-termist reactive habits I've got in to and rebuild my life so that I can function better but I have found that exercise & sleep are crucial and CBT helps.

Exercise definitely helps my mood, it doesn't have to be crazy amounts just look up standard advice to people who need to improve their fitness a little bit, pick something you can stick to and do it a few times a week for at least half an hour. Make yourself even if you can't be bothered coz it really helps after a week or so.
Getting as much proper sleep as I can also seems crucial to me. I do use a benzo very occasionally if I get desperate I must admit but I really don't want to end up hooked on another drug or using it as a regular crutch. Fortunately if you become verging on the religious in following all the advice on how to sleep better without drugs it does work, again after a little while. Google "sleep hygiene" and expect small incremental improvements rather than miracles.
CBT is cognitive behavioural therapy. Works pretty well for depression in many cases but again there's homework and what you get out of it is proportional to how much effort you put in. It may be worth getting in to with your doctor next time you have an appointment or if you don't want/can't afford to see a therapist then there are loads of CBT-based self-help books for people with depression. Just remember that if you go down the self-help route it takes even more self-discipline & a bit of research first to find a good author which isn't for everyone but it's helping me a lot so far so it is possible.

Peace, Ethnobot
 
during my depressed states, generally I just immerse myself in a hobby or activity to the point of distraction..... that way I forget I'm depressed, or even why, when I stop hours later.

otherwise.... blasting some phonebooks or bowlingpins, or going for an airplane ride does wonders.

You're up by Dayton, the Air Force Museum is great, and I bet there's lots of little airfields around that do small 30min cessna rides
 
Ixchellian said:
during my depressed states, generally I just immerse myself in a hobby or activity to the point of distraction..... that way I forget I'm depressed, or even why, when I stop hours later.

otherwise.... blasting some phonebooks or bowlingpins, or going for an airplane ride does wonders.

You're up by Dayton, the Air Force Museum is great, and I bet there's lots of little airfields around that do small 30min cessna rides
Click to expand...


No offence, but if you can simply "forget" that you're depressed, you're not depressed. It's way too pervasive, it colours everything. The point is that you can't bear to do anything because everything is made unbearable by your negative thoughts. After all, what is the point of watching a movie or reading a book if life is pain?

Not that distraction can't help - sometimes it's the only thing I can do - but the point is not that one does it because it is inherently fun or makes one "forget" but because one can't bear to do much else.
 
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suessmayr said:
No offence, but if you can simply "forget" that you're depressed, you're not depressed. It's way too pervasive, it colours everything. The point is that you can't bear to do anything because everything is made unbearable by your negative thoughts. After all, what is the point of watching a movie or reading a book if life is pain?

Not that distraction can't help - sometimes it's the only thing I can do - but the point is not that one does it because it is inherently fun or makes one "forget" but because one can't bear to do much else.
Click to expand...

Bare in mind that people experience depression in different ways and deal with it in different ways.

For eg. Dysthymia is not as severe as Major Depression but lasts over a much longer period and the sufferer can have bouts of acute depressive episodes on top of this, known as 'Double depression'.
 
^^

exactatively what Asclepius said.
My depression can be just as deep and pervasive.... to the point that I used to self-harm as an escape.
I guess a different term would be that I've found different, safer focii for catharsis and mood improvement..... rather than just distractions.

My depression is also very situational.... I normally don't get depressed for zero reason, but when I do get down....... whoo boy.
 
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