Boundary / request: Please don’t invalidate my experience or turn this into a debate about mushrooms. I know psilocybin helps some people—good for you. In my case, it didn’t. After these experiences, my mental health worsened dramatically and stayed that way. I’m not looking for comments like “you did it wrong,” “it’s your fault,” or “it was just underlying issues.” Maybe I had underlying vulnerabilities—fine—but mushrooms were the trigger that flipped everything for me. If your response is to blame me or defend psychedelics, please skip commenting.
In August 2023, I decided to stop my medication on my own. For about two years, I had been taking venlafaxine 225 mg and mirtazapine for mild/low depression, and I was doing pretty well: functional, emotionally stable, and my depression felt controlled. But I didn’t want to depend on pills long-term. My family was also pressuring me to stop, and I ended up discontinuing without proper medical guidance.
At first, I experienced a rebound effect. I felt worse for a few days, but then I improved. Since my initial depression had been mild, I assumed I might be okay without medication.
Shortly after stopping medication, in mid-2023, I decided to try psilocybin mushrooms after reading they might help depression.
First trip (5g, accompanied by a “guide”):
It went well. I felt improvement afterward. For several months, I didn’t have depressive symptoms. Looking back, I’m not sure whether that improvement was truly due to mushrooms or simply because my baseline depression was mild and I had stabilized after stopping meds.
In October 2023, after a night out where I got drunk, I woke up the next day feeling emotionally awful. Depression and anxiety returned hard. I don’t know whether I was already destabilized and the alcohol triggered it, or whether it would have happened anyway.
Because my first mushroom experience had been positive, I decided to do a second trip.
Second trip (November 2023, alone):
This was a negative experience. I got trapped in an extreme anxiety state—like prolonged “fight or flight.” I couldn’t sleep or eat, spent all day paralyzed in bed, and lost a lot of weight. My parents were very worried. This was also when I began experiencing strong suicidal ideation.
In December 2023, I did a third trip with a very high dose (~6g) with the same guide from the first time. I later learned that this was beyond a “heroic dose.” The experience was traumatic. I felt extreme anxiety and despair—to the point that during the trip I wanted to die. Fortunately, the acute effects wore off and the next day I was no longer trapped in the same “survival mode” state, but I was left with severe depression and anxiety afterward.
2024: major deterioration and functional collapse
From that point on, my mental health deteriorated significantly. I spent the first half of 2024 almost entirely in bed, unable to function. I tried multiple medications. At first, I avoided going back to venlafaxine because I learned it raised my blood pressure the first time using it, and I was worried about that risk.
2025
In January 2025, about a year after the bad mushroom trip, I tried Spravato (esketamine) because it was presented as a treatment for resistant depression. It didn’t help. In fact, during some sessions it seemed to worsen my suicidal ideation, so I stopped.
I also tried going back to mirtazapine for sleep/anxiety, but this time I experienced intense side effects: hot flashes, fullness, and significant weight gain. In retrospect, I think this may have also contributed to weight gain during the two years I took it previously (I didn’t recognize it at the time).
In February/March 2025, I started TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation). I also added bupropion, titrating up to 300 mg.
After finishing TMS (March–April 2025), I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time: relief. I wasn’t depressed and I could imagine a future. But the benefit only lasted about 4 weeks, and then I fell back into the same pattern.
Later I realized bupropion was giving me a paradoxical effect—making me sleepy and contributing to weight gain—so it was eventually stopped.
I then added Abilify (2 mg). It reduced suicidal thoughts significantly, but I felt emotionally flat, with low motivation, and I gained weight. When I tried stopping Abilify, I experienced withdrawal that triggered a major increase in suicidal ideation and depression. I reinstated it and then tapered more slowly. During that process, I added Lamictal, which I’m still on.
Current situation and fears
I worry the mushrooms altered my brain/neurotransmitters, and I can’t tolerate things I used to tolerate. For example, caffeine and pre-workout supplements now trigger significant anxiety, which never happened before.
I feel that psychiatrists in South Florida (Miami) have failed me by just throwing a bunch of medications at me without really paying attention to the underlying issue. I am worried and fearful every day that it might be my last day, since I feel like taking my life daily. It feels more like a desire to escape the pain rather than wanting to die. I have a beautiful family and a girlfriend, and I don’t want to leave them or do that to them, but I am exhausted from feeling like this. Any advice would help.
Additional context: I was recently diagnosed with OCPD and CPTSD from childhood trauma. I don’t know how much that contributed, but I’m including it because it may be relevant. If anyone has practical guidance or suggestions, I’m open to hearing them.
Clean medication/treatment list (as I understand it)
In August 2023, I decided to stop my medication on my own. For about two years, I had been taking venlafaxine 225 mg and mirtazapine for mild/low depression, and I was doing pretty well: functional, emotionally stable, and my depression felt controlled. But I didn’t want to depend on pills long-term. My family was also pressuring me to stop, and I ended up discontinuing without proper medical guidance.
At first, I experienced a rebound effect. I felt worse for a few days, but then I improved. Since my initial depression had been mild, I assumed I might be okay without medication.
Shortly after stopping medication, in mid-2023, I decided to try psilocybin mushrooms after reading they might help depression.
First trip (5g, accompanied by a “guide”):
It went well. I felt improvement afterward. For several months, I didn’t have depressive symptoms. Looking back, I’m not sure whether that improvement was truly due to mushrooms or simply because my baseline depression was mild and I had stabilized after stopping meds.
In October 2023, after a night out where I got drunk, I woke up the next day feeling emotionally awful. Depression and anxiety returned hard. I don’t know whether I was already destabilized and the alcohol triggered it, or whether it would have happened anyway.
Because my first mushroom experience had been positive, I decided to do a second trip.
Second trip (November 2023, alone):
This was a negative experience. I got trapped in an extreme anxiety state—like prolonged “fight or flight.” I couldn’t sleep or eat, spent all day paralyzed in bed, and lost a lot of weight. My parents were very worried. This was also when I began experiencing strong suicidal ideation.
In December 2023, I did a third trip with a very high dose (~6g) with the same guide from the first time. I later learned that this was beyond a “heroic dose.” The experience was traumatic. I felt extreme anxiety and despair—to the point that during the trip I wanted to die. Fortunately, the acute effects wore off and the next day I was no longer trapped in the same “survival mode” state, but I was left with severe depression and anxiety afterward.
2024: major deterioration and functional collapse
From that point on, my mental health deteriorated significantly. I spent the first half of 2024 almost entirely in bed, unable to function. I tried multiple medications. At first, I avoided going back to venlafaxine because I learned it raised my blood pressure the first time using it, and I was worried about that risk.
- Sertraline (Jan 2024 – Mar 2024): partial response, but I stopped because it caused bruising.
- Vilazodone (Mar 2024 – Aug 2024): little to no benefit.
- It helped somewhat—I felt more functional—but it suppressed my appetite and I kept losing weight, so I stopped it.
- Venlafaxine (Sep 2024 – now; dose has ranged 150–225 mg, currently 150 mg): good response overall, but I still struggle with high anxiety.
- It helped sleep, but I started noticing suicidal thoughts upon waking, excessive drowsiness, and lack of energy. I eventually discontinued it.
2025
In January 2025, about a year after the bad mushroom trip, I tried Spravato (esketamine) because it was presented as a treatment for resistant depression. It didn’t help. In fact, during some sessions it seemed to worsen my suicidal ideation, so I stopped.
I also tried going back to mirtazapine for sleep/anxiety, but this time I experienced intense side effects: hot flashes, fullness, and significant weight gain. In retrospect, I think this may have also contributed to weight gain during the two years I took it previously (I didn’t recognize it at the time).
In February/March 2025, I started TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation). I also added bupropion, titrating up to 300 mg.
After finishing TMS (March–April 2025), I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time: relief. I wasn’t depressed and I could imagine a future. But the benefit only lasted about 4 weeks, and then I fell back into the same pattern.
Later I realized bupropion was giving me a paradoxical effect—making me sleepy and contributing to weight gain—so it was eventually stopped.
I then added Abilify (2 mg). It reduced suicidal thoughts significantly, but I felt emotionally flat, with low motivation, and I gained weight. When I tried stopping Abilify, I experienced withdrawal that triggered a major increase in suicidal ideation and depression. I reinstated it and then tapered more slowly. During that process, I added Lamictal, which I’m still on.
Current situation and fears
I worry the mushrooms altered my brain/neurotransmitters, and I can’t tolerate things I used to tolerate. For example, caffeine and pre-workout supplements now trigger significant anxiety, which never happened before.
- Ongoing suicidal ideation daily (Mild - Moderate)
- Generalized anxiety, fear, and a sense of dread/hopelessness
- Fatigue and low energy
- Difficulty studying and focusing
- Low motivation and reduced pleasure
- Feeling like I do everything out of obligation, not enjoyment
I feel that psychiatrists in South Florida (Miami) have failed me by just throwing a bunch of medications at me without really paying attention to the underlying issue. I am worried and fearful every day that it might be my last day, since I feel like taking my life daily. It feels more like a desire to escape the pain rather than wanting to die. I have a beautiful family and a girlfriend, and I don’t want to leave them or do that to them, but I am exhausted from feeling like this. Any advice would help.
Additional context: I was recently diagnosed with OCPD and CPTSD from childhood trauma. I don’t know how much that contributed, but I’m including it because it may be relevant. If anyone has practical guidance or suggestions, I’m open to hearing them.
Clean medication/treatment list (as I understand it)
- Stopped baseline meds (venlafaxine 225 + mirtazapine) — Aug 2023 (self-discontinued)
- Sertraline — Jan 2024 to Mar 2024 | partial response; stopped due to bruising
- Vilazodone — Mar 2024 to Aug 2024 | little/no response
- Desvenlafaxine — Aug 2024 to Sep 2024 | helped function; appetite suppression/weight loss
- Venlafaxine 150–225 (currently 150) — Sep 2024 to now | good response; anxiety persists
- Quetiapine 100 mg (night) — Sep 2024 to Jan 2025 | sleep help but morning SI/drowsiness/low energy
- Spravato (esketamine) — Jan 2025 | worsened SI in sessions; stopped
- TMS — Mar 2025 to Apr 2025 | strong improvement ~4 weeks
- Bupropion up to 300 mg — Mar 2025 to Sep 2025 | paradoxical sleepiness + weight gain
- Abilify 2 mg — Apr 2025 to Oct 2025 | reduced SI but flat, low motivation, weight gain; withdrawal worsened SI
- Lamictal 100 mg — Nov 2025 to now
- Lexapro 5 mg — just started (trying switch from venlafaxine due to anxiety)
