SEVERE addiction to the ritual and process of IV injecting and I need help

[Morphoid]

Hi everyone,

I'll cut to the chase. I'm an opioid addict currently 'stabilised' on buprenorphine (20mg/day, after a lengthy morphine, tramadol, dihydrocodeine, codeine and more habit) and I still inject most of my bupe. (Sterile water from vials, new needle every time, micron filtered. Good IV technique due to me being a med student). But here's the issue, I'm addicted to the process of intravenously injecting. I love it! I crave the feeling constantly and romanticise the ritual in almost every aspect. The <snip> red as I register (which is becoming more and more difficult now due to multiple collapsed veins), but it's got to a very bad point now. I'm injecting around 15 times per day. This works out at around 100 injections per week (give or take) and that is madly excessive - I know it, it's retarded. But I'm genuinely addicted to the process.

I need some tips on how to wean off the needle and keep strong when the cravings hit me. I'm willing to give anything a try - I await your wisdom, Bluelighters.

Thanks in advance.

And to stardust.hero who removed some of my creative writing! EH! When I get down from nhea, I'm gonna kick you in the nuuuuuts!

 

[itsok]

Would u inject water if there were no drug to inject?

 

[DooMMooD]

It sounds like you may need to tell your doctors/case managers/therapists etc, and like you might need to take your daily dose of suboxone in supervised conditions.

This I feel would be the best course of action and give you the best shot. Other than that its just like quitting any addiction: it takes hard work, coping skills, a lot of patients, determination, and reliance on outside help.

 

[effie]

Hey Morphoid,

I know exactly what you mean. I started IVing ages ago, and managed to keep it to occasional use, but for various reasons got a lot more into it earlier in the year and I developed an insane needle fixation. I was shooting water and doing some very unsafe things.. I was dreaming about IVing and thinking about it constantly. My veins were becoming very damaged and I had tracks all over my hands, and I was doing it secretly for a while so I would spend days and days sat alone in my flat, not eating or otherwise looking after myself. I really thought there would be no way back from it, but I've not picked up a needle in a few months now and I can honestly say I do not feel tempted, I don't dream about it, and I've even been able to sit around with others who are shooting and not shoot myself

For me, it took a few things to get me to stop.. one was a realisation that if I carried on I would be dead or do myself some serious damage. This alone didn't stop me however as I didn't care about myself enough to be hugely bothered, and I was too hooked The second thing was having a good friend who didn't judge me (he'd been there himself) but who wasn't afraid to tell me in no uncertain terms that I had to stop or I'd seriously fuck myself up. We fought about it a few times, but his brutal honesty did start to sink in and he helped me hugely. The third was when I decided to try to look after myself more - I didn't care about myself at all while I was shooting up all the time, so I decided try pretending that I did and making an effort to be healthy and kind to myself for a week, to see if it helped. I ate properly, washed myself, got out the flat, gave myself (non-drug) treats and generally tried to do things that would make me feel better. I had zero hope for it working, but it actually did, slowly I started to feel better about myself, and as I did I started to actually want to stop IVing, and believe that I could. The better I got, the stronger my drive was to quit, and the more I took care of myself the easier it was to contemplate a life without the needle.

Making the final jump away from it was really hard and I had a few false starts (do not beat yourself up if this happens, just keep trying..). Drug counselling could really help I think, but this wasn't an option for me unfortunately so I made sure I kept talking to my friend and was honest about it all with him. Plugging can be a good way of moving away from injecting but still retaining some of the prep etc but I wanted to break the cycle completely so I didn't really try this - I stopped dead, rid my flat of IV paraphenalia, broke the needles rather than just throw them out (so they couldn't be retrieved by me later ), told people not to sell me drugs, and went to stay with my parents for a bit. As I said, I did relapse a few times and for a while I didn't think the cravings would ever go away, but the really have. Now when I think of it I think of the damage I was doing, and the dark place I was in, and I never want to go back there. I still do think about it of course, and wish I still could do it from time to time, but the burning desire has definitely gone.

These are things that helped me:

Finding someone you can be entirely honest with, who won't judge you but will most definitely not enable or encourage you to continue (or use us here . Look into drugs counselling perhaps, how do you feel about that? Have you had it already, if you're on bupe maintenance? Is there anything specific in your area for helping people break a needle fixation?

Keeping yourself busy is really important - try to find activities you enjoy; of course you won't enjoy them as much as IVing initially, but it's better to be sat not IVing while you do something else fun than sat there twiddling your thumbs trying to fight the urges. Get really stuck into your degree maybe? That could have a really positive benefit on your self esteem and general wellbeing too

Rid yourself of your IV equipment - properly! I half-heartedly threw mine away so many times..

Make sure you are taking good care of yourself too eat properly, wash/dress/make an effort, be kind to yourself.. treat yourself to nice things - bubble bath, tasty food, fave film/book etc, whatever floats your boat

Write down all the cons of IVing (serious risk to health, tracks, risk of OD, ruin your career at med school/ a doctor, distance from friends/family, low self worth, money etc) and try to spend some time thinking about those whenever you get the urge. Conversely, write down all the positives to stopping and reward yourself every time you manage to resist temptation. Marking landmarks helped me too - day 1, week 1, month 1 etc..

Don't beat yourself up if you do relapse, but don't stop trying

Good luck - it is definitely possible to beat this

 

[Missykins]

I would get off the bupe and try Vivitrol. Don't kid yourself, you're not stabilized on bupe if you're shooting it. I went through this.

What kind of program are you working? Are you in NA or have you been to rehab? If not, then you should be, because it will be a life-long struggle for you as a doctor if you don't have a strong program that includes NA/AA, meetings for impaired professionals, a professional assistance program, etc.

 

[Eyes On the Roll]

I used to smoke oxy like there was no tomorrow.

It got to the point where I didn't feel anything anymore.. I was just hooked on that feeling, and that taste, of the blues going through my throat. Oh god. It gives me shivers just thinking about it. I miss it.

I did go through an IV phase for about a week. But honestly man, the addiction of smoking blues of foil, the ritual, was so much heavier than that of the IV ritual.
I think that once we develop such a high tolerance, we get addicted to the ritual, cause we dont get high anymore.

 

[Sepher]

Can strongly relate Morphoid. I had the exact same kind of needle fixation with an IV Heroin habit, craving the needle almost as much as the drug and doing shady things like constantly flushing the pin to make the injection last as long as possible, and shooting water when I was rattling because their was something of a conditioned endorphin release that provided some momentary relief. Good indication of just how powerful the needle addiction is when you get an endorphin rush from the needle alone. The association between needle and reward is seared into your brain in a way that's not longer even all that closely related to your DOC and its effects, but it is breakable.

Are you being treated by a drug unit at the minute? If so maybe ask them about extinction therapy if you really can't just put the needle down and switch to a different ROA. Basically involves going through all the stages of prepping a shot, tying off, raising a vein etc but you stop before actually breaking the skin. Idea's to break the mental / physical link between needle and reward, and seems can be quite effective for some.

If that's unavailable to you you'd probably find that the drive to inject fades pretty quickly once you do stop IVing. Hard switching from IV to less immediate ROAs as far as intensity of effects go I know but adjusting to it over a coupla weeks will help with the fixation too. Effie's advice on binning your rigs and paraphernalia is solid. Just gotta avoid temptations and triggers as much as possible and you'll recover just fine in time.

 

[Serotonin101]

It's related to conditioned responses in psychology. Look at pavlov's dogs, ring the bell, and they think they're getting fed so they salivate. Fill up a rig, and your brain starts thinking about the rush/relief you're about to feel. I remember shooting water, or even diluted vinegar (tastes faintly like heroin) when I was sick and getting clean. I pitched all my old rigs, cookers, cottons, everything, and started going to NA, for me smoking a cig when I wanted to fix was a good way to be put at ease, initially using roll-your-owns to busy my hands for a minute, and then when it's rolled fire it up and make a new association for relief in my brain. Replace rigging and digging for pleasure with something else and eventually the habit is broken. Since I've learned about this I've cut down on my smoking from 2packs of newport 100s a day to 1/2 a pack and stopped biting my nails AND gave up "the ritual". In fact I got 6 months clean on the 5th of July and 3 weeks without biting my nails on the same day.

 

[JJJames]

I only I've only I'VD H once and it was horrific personally.

I see you are in UK.

Can you afford residential treatment/ know of NHS treatment you can get?

I'm bothering to write this cause I've know people like you in rehabs and even tho you are some anon I don't know

FIX THIS SHIT NOW.

You need intense clinical help otherwise.. The saddest thing I have noticed in 10+ year heavy opiate users is that many even if after managing to be completely clean for 5+ years still retain a manipulative, deceitful, dishonest, scheming side of their character created during their addiction that NEVER LEAVES EVEN if they were nice, kind people before hand.
I obviously know next to nothing about you but to all heavy opiate users reading this please just keep trying.

Sorry to be so intense about this but a year ago a friend I lectured aggressively about not IVing if he relapsed on it died a month later just after he turned 18 years old.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I would consider other ROA's. Since you are micron filtering, have you considered IM buprenorphine?

Best of luck.

 

[Missykins]

I would consider other ROA's. Since you are micron filtering, have you considered IM buprenorphine?

Best of luck.

I believe that the OP is in medical school, so to continue this pattern of behavior will prevent him from achieving his goal of becoming a doctor, as the profession has zero tolerance for drug abuse, and for good reason. The vast majority of physicians abusing drugs lose their medical license or are unable to finish their training in the first place, which is why I recommended abstinence and a strong recovery program with support from doctors who are in recovery.

 

[J.Tweezy]

Become a phlebotomist. That might help a little and since your a med student it would probably be good experience.

 

[xburtonchic]

I kind of know what you mean, I got my first taste of the needle addiction the first time I went into detox. Well, first and last time, I only say it was my first time because I have plans of going back soon...

Anyway, my first full day in detox, I found that I craved the needle and the ritual FAR more than I was craving the heroin itself. Absolutely everything would set me off, especially when they would take my blood pressure and the cuff would make my veins pop. And forget about when they would have to take my blood. Dear God, it was torture! It got to the point that by the second day, I was absolutely begging the nurses to let me draw my own blood. I actually manipulated them into administering one of my medications via IV, telling them that I couldn't take it orally for one reason or another (horrible, I know... I'm actually somewhat ashamed of myself now.) But that just made it worse...

My point is, the addiction to the ritual and the needle can be just as destructive as the drugs themselves. The addiction can be even more intense, in some ways. I didn't even know I was addicted to that part of it until I got into detox. It sounds like you have a much larger addiction to it than I do, and if I was that bad, I can only imagine what you go through on a day-to-day basis. But I did manage to break my fixation to the needle. It truly does go away after a while once you quit. For me, taking my Suboxone as directed - sublingually - helped a ton. I found that the more time that passed where I didn't shoot up, the less important it became and the less I was bothered by my veins popping, or noticing a particularly good vein I'd never noticed before, or whatever. When I relapsed (trying to quit the Suboxone, no less) I did go back to using the way I used to - via IV - but I was VERY careful not to let myself become so addicted to the needle again. I did this by changing my ROA, well not changing it per se, but switching it up every once in a while and smoking it instead. And when I did shoot it, I would simply force myself to stick to my limits - for example, I'd tell myself "Okay, you get to do six shots today, and that's it" instead of my usual 7 or 8. Then I would MAKE myself stick to the number I allotted myself. I tapered down using that method and substituted it with smoking instead. Now I only do a couple of shots per day, and honestly, as far as the needle is concerned I feel like I could take it or leave it. I wouldn't even use it if it weren't for the fact that I'll get sick if I don't.

Another thing that might help is to list all of the negative consequences of abusing the needle so much. Those consequences are there whether you use a needle once a week or fifty times a day, of course, but no doubt the potential risk multiplies the more often you do it. But don't just list the consequences, really think about them as well. Recognize them as very real possibilities instead of things that seem far away and detached from reality and that could never happen to you, the way we addicts tend to think about the bad things.

You could also try replacing it with something else. It really is just your brain having been conditioned to correlate using a needle with being rewarded with feel-good chemicals. You just have to re-condition your brain to recognize some other activity as rewarding. In a perfect world, this would be something healthy, like some form of exercise... but like what someone else said with the cigarettes... well hey, whatever works. But still, I would suggest trying to find something healthy to replace it with. That way you don't have to break yet another addiction somewhere down the line.

The fact that you recognize it as a problem and see it as such and are concerned about it shows that you aren't happy with it, and that you want something to change. As corny and cliche as it sounds, that's a step in the right direction. Now all you have to do is act on it. Even if you don't get it right the first time, the worst thing you can do is give up. Just keep trying... I can tell by your post that you want it, and that's all you need to get it right eventually. Something tells me you're going to be just fine. Wishing you the best of luck...

 

[Eyes On the Roll]

This is what I can suggest, though there is a high failure chance.

Switch to Roxicodone. Smoke it off foil for a little bit until you don't get high anymore, and you just like the feeling of it passing through your throat. Then quit, and start smoking cigarettes. The addiction of the feeling of the smoke passing through your throat will be transferred to an addiction to cigarettes (at least you'd save your veins), of the tobacco smoke passing through your throat. Not sure if it would work.. but it's worth a try. I just remember smoking opioid s to be so much more addicting than the needle, at least for oxy, and if that ritual can be transferred to the ritual of a cigarette, than it could work. It helped me, but I was always a heroin/oxy smoker.

 

[JJJames]

If you think there is a chance you might be put off IVing by seeing its most extreme consequences, search for videos of people in russia who cook codine into a form of morphine. They call it 'Krockodil' (crocodile) as it makes your skin look like it. The average life of a person who starts using it daily is 2-3 years. Don't want to cause anyone to watch it if will emotionally damage them at all, maybe read up on it first, wiki desomorphine, watch them if they think they will help you, they helped me to never do it again after doing it once only thank god and pray never to do it again. It obviously may not help others and hopefully just the reading will help someone at least.

 

[Missykins]

I would consider other ROA's. Since you are micron filtering, have you considered IM buprenorphine?

Best of luck.

IM'ing a tablet is contraindicated, regardless of filtering. It's simply a means to an abscess.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

IM'ing a tablet is contraindicated, regardless of filtering. It's simply a means to an abscess.

Injecting anything without proper filtration is a means to an abscess.

I am not advocating that they do anything but take their medication sublingually, I only pointed this out because I think that it's important for people to be able to stop IVing drugs if they want to. Because it can be incredibly hard to stop, other ROA's are advisable.

 

[Misfit Chick]

You are obviously not alone, There are many of us out there with the same problem. Ive been an IV drug user close to 20 years, Just started taking subs recently, and the first thing I wanted to do of course was to try and figure out how to slam it. I got alot of sugestons on here, but really the bottom line is this, I agee with missykins, you are not stablized if your shooting your subs....and if you really want to get clean you have to get rid of the rigs...Im not going to lie, Im an addict, and I know what to do, I just dont do it...I still have a hand full of needles...Its like a security blanket...so I know exactly what you are going thru. Its the hardest thing in the world to me to do. Dont give up, keep trying , listen to the good info from our fellow bluelighters.....MC

 

[stardust.hero]

^Great info very inspiring.

 

[mrflowers00]

i'm in the same boat as the op except i shoot bupe 4 to 7 times a day and for a week a month oxy 3 times a day but i'm going to try switching to plugging the bupe to save my veins for the oxy