17 is a ridiculously big number, but that just makes finding the bullshit more fun. Having said that, up to five of the following may not be true & kudos to whomever guesses correctly.
1 I connect to Kevin Bacon in one. (Anyone remember that game? How Kevin Bacon has been in so many damn movies you could connect any star to him in 7 movies or less?) As a result of my illustrious film career, I connect in one. Yes, I rock. Thank you, thankyouverymuch...I’ll be here all week, tip your waiters!
2 I was mugged by a band of juvenile gypsies in the Métro in Paris. A swarm of music & color came dancing down the stairs around me, shimmering & sashaying. When they vanished moments later, my pockets were empty. Well, HA on them since I was a poor student at the time & I rarely carry cash; all they got was my monthly Métro ticket (it was two days until it expired anyway) & about $1.50 in change. I got an awesome story.
3 I was at a Starbuck’s in New York just after a truly horrible audition for McDonald’s (so embarrassing - they asked me to name me favorite food, I *HATE* McD’s so I was all, “uh...your, uh...Mc...Fishwich?”” Yeah....NEXT!), enjoying a Mocha Frappachino when a real life flash mob broke out into a dance number from Rent. It started with about five people & when they were at the peak, there were about fifty people, hopping, dancing & jazzing it up. I dig flash mobs.
4 I was bitten by a tiger. I could elaborate but I won't because I really like just telling people I was bitten by a tiger & the story behind it is lame. Suffice it to say yes, I really was bitten, yes, it was a real, living tiger & to make it a teeny bit cooler, it was a white one.
5 I went swimming with my cellphone in my pocket once. In trying to prove a point to someone, I jumped into a lake fully dressed, demonstrating what would now be described by trendy whippersnappers as YOLO. It was only when I got out I realized I still had my phone on me. I took it apart, blow dried it & it was fine. Go, Motorola! (I also failed miserably in convincing the twerp to enjoy life, but this is because you can only enjoy life if you are human. Which this…thing was clearly not.)
6 When I was in fifth grade, one of the Rich Girls invited me over to her house. Her mom would let her take the mattress off the bed & use it as a sled to shoot down their gigantic staircase. She asked me if I wanted to try & I was horribly uncomfortable with the idea but she told me to quit being a baby. She dragged the mattress to the top of the stairs & sat on it to show how easy it was. As it started to slide down, her huge German Shepard came around the corner & was coming up when he saw the scene. He tried to bolt, but it was too late. The mattress hit him, but slowed down the mattress just enough for her to go flying off, hit the door frame with her head & crack her jaw. She was screaming, there was blood everywhere & I was pressed against the wall in sheer terror. The dog had teleported itself to the yard somehow. She ended up in the ER, my mom had to come get me & I was never invited over again. Go figure.
7 While scuba diving in Maui, I was rescued from certain death by a handicapped blowfish. My daughter, her best friend & I had drifted too far out to sea & a storm was coming. We were having a hard time returning to shore with the winds & strong currents. Out of the coral, a blowfish with a mutant fin came swimming up to us. Since we didn't want to get jabbed, every time he got close, we swam away. Hence, he steered us back toward the beach. When we noticed we were close enough to stand, we looked at the sky & it was just black. The little blowfish swam up to each one of us as if to say goodbye & darted off. We walked a few feet to the beach & the sky exploded with lightning, the clouds drenching us & the beach with bullets of rain. We named the lil’ guy Neblow. (Get it??)
8 I set my ex-husband on fire. MAN, I wish this was what it sounds like. But, no. We were at a party with a group of fire-friendly folks & got to talking about fire spinning & such. The conversation spun around to him getting into the special suit to get lit up & set on fire. So, they dipped the suit in lighter fluid or gas or whateverthehell & lit it on fire. Funny, he just stood there next to the pool & the safety who was by him urged, “Go...go! GO!” because he wouldn’t jump in. I thought, “Leave him alone! If he wants to burn like kindling, FINE!!” So I didn’t TECHNICALLY set him on fire, but...I saw it.
9 I near plummeted to my death from the top of a fifteen story building in Paris & was saved by a nail in my leg. My then boyfriend would often climb out of his window & up onto the roof to look out at the Parisian skyline & the stars above. One night, he invited me to join. I did, giving little thought about how THE HELL I WAS GETTING BACK IN. We had a lovely time, chatting, looking at the city, having a little snack he’d set up...when it got chilly, we decided to go back. Like a damn kung fu squirrel, he just scurried down the wall & flipped, upside downishly, Cirque De frikkin Soleil style, back into the window. Since my fatass is not part friggin’ spider, I was not able to move with such grace. I lay my belly on the angled wall next to & above the window to slide down...& slide I did. RIGHT PAST THE WINDOW AND OVER THE DAMN EDGE OF THE BUILDING. He reached out of the window all James Bond together with a nail sticking out of the edge which also decided to help & politely embedded itself in my inner thigh. He managed to pull me in without dismembering me but I do have a lovely scar to "mark" the precious moment.
1 I connect to Kevin Bacon in one. (Anyone remember that game? How Kevin Bacon has been in so many damn movies you could connect any star to him in 7 movies or less?) As a result of my illustrious film career, I connect in one. Yes, I rock. Thank you, thankyouverymuch...I’ll be here all week, tip your waiters!
2 I was mugged by a band of juvenile gypsies in the Métro in Paris. A swarm of music & color came dancing down the stairs around me, shimmering & sashaying. When they vanished moments later, my pockets were empty. Well, HA on them since I was a poor student at the time & I rarely carry cash; all they got was my monthly Métro ticket (it was two days until it expired anyway) & about $1.50 in change. I got an awesome story.
3 I was at a Starbuck’s in New York just after a truly horrible audition for McDonald’s (so embarrassing - they asked me to name me favorite food, I *HATE* McD’s so I was all, “uh...your, uh...Mc...Fishwich?”” Yeah....NEXT!), enjoying a Mocha Frappachino when a real life flash mob broke out into a dance number from Rent. It started with about five people & when they were at the peak, there were about fifty people, hopping, dancing & jazzing it up. I dig flash mobs.
4 I was bitten by a tiger. I could elaborate but I won't because I really like just telling people I was bitten by a tiger & the story behind it is lame. Suffice it to say yes, I really was bitten, yes, it was a real, living tiger & to make it a teeny bit cooler, it was a white one.
5 I went swimming with my cellphone in my pocket once. In trying to prove a point to someone, I jumped into a lake fully dressed, demonstrating what would now be described by trendy whippersnappers as YOLO. It was only when I got out I realized I still had my phone on me. I took it apart, blow dried it & it was fine. Go, Motorola! (I also failed miserably in convincing the twerp to enjoy life, but this is because you can only enjoy life if you are human. Which this…thing was clearly not.)
6 When I was in fifth grade, one of the Rich Girls invited me over to her house. Her mom would let her take the mattress off the bed & use it as a sled to shoot down their gigantic staircase. She asked me if I wanted to try & I was horribly uncomfortable with the idea but she told me to quit being a baby. She dragged the mattress to the top of the stairs & sat on it to show how easy it was. As it started to slide down, her huge German Shepard came around the corner & was coming up when he saw the scene. He tried to bolt, but it was too late. The mattress hit him, but slowed down the mattress just enough for her to go flying off, hit the door frame with her head & crack her jaw. She was screaming, there was blood everywhere & I was pressed against the wall in sheer terror. The dog had teleported itself to the yard somehow. She ended up in the ER, my mom had to come get me & I was never invited over again. Go figure.
7 While scuba diving in Maui, I was rescued from certain death by a handicapped blowfish. My daughter, her best friend & I had drifted too far out to sea & a storm was coming. We were having a hard time returning to shore with the winds & strong currents. Out of the coral, a blowfish with a mutant fin came swimming up to us. Since we didn't want to get jabbed, every time he got close, we swam away. Hence, he steered us back toward the beach. When we noticed we were close enough to stand, we looked at the sky & it was just black. The little blowfish swam up to each one of us as if to say goodbye & darted off. We walked a few feet to the beach & the sky exploded with lightning, the clouds drenching us & the beach with bullets of rain. We named the lil’ guy Neblow. (Get it??)
8 I set my ex-husband on fire. MAN, I wish this was what it sounds like. But, no. We were at a party with a group of fire-friendly folks & got to talking about fire spinning & such. The conversation spun around to him getting into the special suit to get lit up & set on fire. So, they dipped the suit in lighter fluid or gas or whateverthehell & lit it on fire. Funny, he just stood there next to the pool & the safety who was by him urged, “Go...go! GO!” because he wouldn’t jump in. I thought, “Leave him alone! If he wants to burn like kindling, FINE!!” So I didn’t TECHNICALLY set him on fire, but...I saw it.
9 I near plummeted to my death from the top of a fifteen story building in Paris & was saved by a nail in my leg. My then boyfriend would often climb out of his window & up onto the roof to look out at the Parisian skyline & the stars above. One night, he invited me to join. I did, giving little thought about how THE HELL I WAS GETTING BACK IN. We had a lovely time, chatting, looking at the city, having a little snack he’d set up...when it got chilly, we decided to go back. Like a damn kung fu squirrel, he just scurried down the wall & flipped, upside downishly, Cirque De frikkin Soleil style, back into the window. Since my fatass is not part friggin’ spider, I was not able to move with such grace. I lay my belly on the angled wall next to & above the window to slide down...& slide I did. RIGHT PAST THE WINDOW AND OVER THE DAMN EDGE OF THE BUILDING. He reached out of the window all James Bond together with a nail sticking out of the edge which also decided to help & politely embedded itself in my inner thigh. He managed to pull me in without dismembering me but I do have a lovely scar to "mark" the precious moment.
