Quasi is back!!!! I saw your name man and got all excited. Where the hell have you been? We need updates on all the legal stuff and I personally would love to know if you've been able to stay away from pods.
As far as the thread I think a large part of reservations are made subconsciously. People don't notice it but they will tweak their behavoir in ways that makes getting drugs more likely, all a while being completely unaware of it. For example sometimes theres been days where I've been happy as shit because I was able to get my use down. Then like last night out of nowhere I'm driving home in the car from my families on x-mas eve and start tearing up over nothing.
I was not depressed at all, not in wds, had no situational/biological reason to be sad. I got sad and its almost like I was enjoying it. But I told myself "I'm getting high" because my life sucked. Meanwhile nothing had even happened and I didn't even know why I was crying. It was really fucking pathetic.
I get home and that had triggered a whole scheme of self sabatoging thoughts, "man my life sucks, man I just wanted to be clean this x-mas and couldn't do it, man I just want to use". But the interesting thing is I think I got sad not because I was sad, but because I wanted to use. Being sad gives me an excuse to use. And looking at my life there was nothing I was actually thinking about that made me sad last night.
The mind DOES set up tricks like this imo and I've noticed this in a million different ways. Say you have a good day at work and as you're leaving you just get in a terrible mood for no reason. I think your mind does that to provoke you to use. Although you were actually happy most of the day, theres a huge situational change (like going from work to going home), you realize you're about to be alone/bored, get sad, then that sadness becomes an excuse to use. Rather than being happy about going home and finishing work, the mind is persistently invading your life to trigger you to use.
I think addiction is a really deep seeded problem. Like I said I'm happy almost all the time, but I notice sometimes I get sad out of nowhere, for no reason, and it doesn't feel like real sadness. If feels fake as crazy as that sounds, although I'm not aware of it at the time. Not sure if anyone can relate to it buts its crazy. I had an awesome day yesterday at my families and had NO REASON to start crying on my way home like a fucking baby. My mind was planning ways to get me to use, and luckily I didn't. But I'm sure it'll happen again.