setting up "reservations" to get high.

Ds

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i'm sure most people can relate to me on this.

one thing that i notice in my active addiction is that I like to use over anything. my dog died.. i'll use. its raining.. i'll use.. i didn't get that job, i did get that job, its my birthday, its new years, fuck the list can go on and on and on! do u know what i mean?

is it just me or does anyone else set reservations to use.

for example, well i'll hold on my DOC until shit gets crazy enough to use, i wont shoot it, ill just snort it.

or i'll get perscribed xanax and take it "as perscribed" because i have bad anxiety..

anyone else have this problem?
 
that's called rationalizing or justifying, and yes many addicts are known to do this.
 
i've rationalized for years , can't fuckin do it anymore. Can't continue to feed myself bullshit - i always go from one off use to full blown man. I dunno somethings I'm just not meant to fuck with period !!
 
For me, there were always certain times when it was just a given that I'd get wasted but outside of those times I could always come up with a reason. There was always something to be celebrated or lamented - and if their wasn't then there was always the "let's just relax and have fun" excuse, or the "I'm bored, let's party one".

I think that the whole thing of setting conditions around drug use can sometimes be a way of deceiving ourselves that we have it under control when we don't. "I only use on weekends" doesn't necessarily mean there's no problem - if you feel compelled to use every weekend irrespective of what's happening in your life or what else is going on then at the very least you're probably on thin ice.

Likewise, there's a big difference between taking benzos when required to stop an anxiety attack and taking the maximum prescribed dose daily irrespective of your current anxiety levels. It's easy to justify the latter, but continuing to do so can easily lead to a situation where they are more often being taken to prevent withdrawals than to relieve anxiety.
 
yeah i definitely rationalize. and it has led to bad things. but when my use was at its worst i stopped rationalizing, stopped attempting to go to college and be "successful", and just gave in all the way to my addiction.

i got clean, and i still hate myself. atleast when i get to use im high. so i know im going to relapse. but because im rationalizing that, im hoping i keep it in check. "ill only use on weekends" is what im gonna say. and as lolie said that doesnt mean you dont have a problem, i know that but as long as i rationalize myself into having some kind of control i dont mind.

i mean i try and be realistic about my rationalizations like i dont say "i will never use again in my life.." because thats such a high expectation or realization. and if i believed that and failed, then i would be even more guilty. but im hoping i can keep things in order this time or ill lose everything. so if i let go of ALL my realizations, i go all in and give up on life.
 
wow i thought i was the only one in a way.

christmas is going to fucking suck, so thats the perferct excuse to get high.
i'm an addict. its what i fucking do. i justify i should get high.

this thinking is going to get my killed someday.

thats why im scared to get on any meds because i'll feel like i have to have the shit, like anxiety meds, or pain meds. even anti-dep's. but i feel like shit w/o them im not talking about narcotics, but the other shit.

its something i fight everyday. someday when i get some time maybe i;ll learn how to get through the shit.
 
this is a real tough time of year and no matter what end of things you are on holidays involve cash - to me the biggest trigger. Pocket swole n you feel pretty invincible , as it goes low .. man do your spirits come tumbling down. Keep fighting the good fight man , you are not alone for a lonngggg shot!
 
I still don't know whether I'll end up getting wasted this weekend. I haven't made any preparations for doing so, but that doesn't mean much - Boxing Day in particular is a big "let's get shit-faced" day here and I know there are many places I could go to and come home from wasted without needing a cent.

For now, I'm just seeing how today unfolds. It's lunchtime Christmas day here at the moment but I've been invited a couple of places later in the day. I'll probably go if those people follow up but not if they don't. I definitely don't feel like trying to play catch-up to a bunch of people who've been drinking since 6am, but nor do I feel like it's particularly important that I stay sober today.
 
thats why im scared to get on any meds because i'll feel like i have to have the shit, like anxiety meds, or pain meds. even anti-dep's. but i feel like shit w/o them im not talking about narcotics, but the other shit.

well try going to a psych - since youll need to if you wanna consider going on any anti depressant - and be mostly honest with them. i know you have no health insurance but some psychs can be cheap. mine gives me like a 10 or 20% discount cause i pay in cash that day and the total comes to like 75$

if your generally honest about being an addict, they wont give you anything addictive. no xanax for anxiety and such. but they can give you some things that help. im on gabapentin for anxiety and welbutrin for depression, neither of which are addictive or have any pluses for abusing them. so thats one less worry i have. just try and get on meds that have no recreational value and that shouldnt be a problem.

i hate rationalizing though, it ruins my life. :\
 
I never really needed to rationalize my use of drugs. It was always a matter of wanting to feel good here and now, and as far as I was concerned, I didn't really need a reason to justify my use.

When I discovered poppy pods, I just wanted to use them constantly for the euphoria and intense relaxation they provided. As my abuse became more long term, I ran into issues with tolerance and would have to change my usage from time to time, often dipping into the dreaded withdrawal territory just so I could get high again later. But really, my intake of poppy tea was given little more consideration than a cup of coffee, or which T-shirt I'd wear that day.
 
Quasi is back!!!! I saw your name man and got all excited. Where the hell have you been? We need updates on all the legal stuff and I personally would love to know if you've been able to stay away from pods.
As far as the thread I think a large part of reservations are made subconsciously. People don't notice it but they will tweak their behavoir in ways that makes getting drugs more likely, all a while being completely unaware of it. For example sometimes theres been days where I've been happy as shit because I was able to get my use down. Then like last night out of nowhere I'm driving home in the car from my families on x-mas eve and start tearing up over nothing.
I was not depressed at all, not in wds, had no situational/biological reason to be sad. I got sad and its almost like I was enjoying it. But I told myself "I'm getting high" because my life sucked. Meanwhile nothing had even happened and I didn't even know why I was crying. It was really fucking pathetic.
I get home and that had triggered a whole scheme of self sabatoging thoughts, "man my life sucks, man I just wanted to be clean this x-mas and couldn't do it, man I just want to use". But the interesting thing is I think I got sad not because I was sad, but because I wanted to use. Being sad gives me an excuse to use. And looking at my life there was nothing I was actually thinking about that made me sad last night.

The mind DOES set up tricks like this imo and I've noticed this in a million different ways. Say you have a good day at work and as you're leaving you just get in a terrible mood for no reason. I think your mind does that to provoke you to use. Although you were actually happy most of the day, theres a huge situational change (like going from work to going home), you realize you're about to be alone/bored, get sad, then that sadness becomes an excuse to use. Rather than being happy about going home and finishing work, the mind is persistently invading your life to trigger you to use.
I think addiction is a really deep seeded problem. Like I said I'm happy almost all the time, but I notice sometimes I get sad out of nowhere, for no reason, and it doesn't feel like real sadness. If feels fake as crazy as that sounds, although I'm not aware of it at the time. Not sure if anyone can relate to it buts its crazy. I had an awesome day yesterday at my families and had NO REASON to start crying on my way home like a fucking baby. My mind was planning ways to get me to use, and luckily I didn't. But I'm sure it'll happen again.
 
Yeah, I know exactly what you are going through. I try to come up with excuses or events where I would have a reason to use. I think its to rationalize using; make myself think I am more ok than I reall am.
 
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