Mr. Tambourine Man
Bluelighter
It's past bedtime, and I'm tired, or should be tired. Just finished an essay, now About to sleep. Been a little wired all night. But it's 1 AM, and I need sleep.
25 mg DPH. Little pink pill fragments, bitter taste, an a mouthful of cold water. Lie down to sleep with slightly numb lips. Plus 6 mg melatonin. And the kratom from a few hours ago.
This is a normal night for me. Twenty minutes pass. I feel sleepy, but their something else. Something creeping an nagging at me. I'm not tired, not yet.
Up again, 25 mg DPH. Pink pills fragments, bitterness, cold water. Back under the covers. Still, I cannot sleep.
NOt only can't I sleep, I can't help feeling like I've been here before. Something about this feels horrible familiar. The growing sense of hyper alertness, like I'd just swallowed an adderall. I mentally take an inventory of all the substances taken today. Kratom (three cups tea, and a gram of extract), Theanine, caffeine, St. Johns Wort...
...St. Johns Wort, 4 capsules. Not usual for me. And St. John's Wort is an MAOI...
Oh crap. And DPH is an SSRI. Oh no shit please tell me I didn't give myself SS again oh christ...
I feel more alert and tense by the minute. I'm drifting now, oscillating between extreme sleepiness and glassy, unreal alertness. Just like all the times before. Oh crap, I'm in for it now.
I've felt stimmed to the eyebrows, all night. Took a benadryl with my kratom to prevent nausea. Then another one an hour ago. Then another now....
Fuck. I fucked up. I've read up on these substances so much. How is it possible for anyone to be so well read and make such dumb mistakes? The irony is stuck between my teeth, and my teeth are starting to chatter. I feel a tenseness in my back, a tiny tremor. Fuck. The ride has just begun.
This isn't the first time this has happened. Or the second, or the third. I've become all to familiar with these symptoms. I know the drill, and what it means when you wake up, more activated than awake, without the creeping shakes at 3 AM.
First time with 5-HTP and DXM. Took an impulse trip, forgot I had taken two impulse supplements in the morning. Horrible night, vomiting, twitching in my chest and arm muscles, feverish. My tendons feeling like taut steel wire. What I learned that first time is that there's no aborting it once the train has left the station. You just have to ride it out.
Then again. Bath salts (identity unknown, the mystery powder that puts meth to shame for sheer malignancy), Ropinirole, and Trazadone. Up all night, just like this. Stimmed, but not sick. Just very awake, felt almost like I was tripping.
Again, a year later. Same combination, different reasons. Over the course of single day. It all makes sense at any moment: huge essay? Bath Salts. Can't sleep? Trazodone Restless legs? Ropinirole. Plus a gram of Tyrosine, (for good measure).
And then, sickness and pain, almost like nothing I've ever felt before. Horrible retching, shaking, and chills. I'd never had a migraine before that night. I never spent the wee hours in a scalding-hot bath to drive away the chills, holding a bag of frozen peas to my head, sobbing in pain. Thoughts racing back and forth, wondering what happened, if I'm about to seize.
When I realized what it was, I felt only relief. This is familiar ground. Old turf. I know I'm not going to die. After a weak tea of poppy stems, I lie down, but don't sleep. Go to class, pale and shaking. Like a case of the flu on a benzo taper. I don't know what I would have done without the pods.
But this time, I've learned from my mistakes. Never again, right? Eternal vigilance is the price we pay...
And here I am again.
Now that it's started, my only thought is "how long?". I know the stages by heart. First comes the wakefulness, then the chattering teeth, the churning stomach. The chills creep in, and the cold sweats, the highlight reel from the time I kicked dope or benzo's. No need to shove, everyone gets a chance on stage tonight. Courtesy of Serotonin Syndrome, and chronic, unintentional recklessness.
My moth is dry now. I'm nervous, tense as a wire. I'm wishing it's all in my head but these thoughts move too fast to reassure me. When you have to yell at yourself to clm down, you've already lost the battle.
Minute by Minute, staring at a dark ceiling. Tension increasing. The cat knocsk something over, and my body floods painfully with adrenaline,, every muscle contracting for a fraction of a second. Now its over, and I'm shaking, because I know where I am, and what's the matter.
Trapped. Minute by minute. My thoughts are more disjointed. Paranoid inklings, little seeds of panic creeping in at the fringes of my psyhce. What if I die? What is I seize? I couldn't relive the last one. Oh christ, what am I going to DO?
Inspiration! A box of etizolam tablet, Intas manufactured. Thiodiazapene bliss in a blue, bisected pill.
But will it work? Everything is blow to outrageous proportions. I might interact badly. Could it? My thoughts flutter, like pigeons in a driving rain. Descisions are impossible. Sweat. I am sweating now.
A moment of clarity, and voice cuts through the frenetic whirling thoughts: Take. Now. Don't Argue.
I stumble out of bed, pop out two 1 mg tablets. I drop on, curse. I can feel the tremors building in my arms the dry mouth, the brain chugging like some diabolical computer, burning high-octane serotonin.
The next I knw, two ills are in my mouth. TTHis is the critical point. I have to swallow. I do swallow, chewing the tiny wafers.
Etizolam, 2 mg. Blue pill fragments, slightly sweet, a mouthful of cold water. Lie down in bed.
Is it getting worse? The symptoms are increasing alarmingly. I am more awake than anyone should ever be. Waiting, watching the ceiling. watching. waiting. And then...
Drowsiness? Yes, it's unmistakeable.The creeping tendrils of sleep, you earliest childhood friend. He rolls down the blinds of your eyes, and you know he'll take care of you when you're gone. Sleep is someone I can trust.
The nights not over yet. I still have dry mouth, and crystal clear clarity. MY mind in diamond sharp, but thoughts, my body, is thawing. Just a little, but it's proof, the battle will be one. I feel a quiet sense of victory. Don't want to get excited.
Stay Calm, Breath deep.
The feelings receded, but the alertness is still there. That may take several hours to go away.
4:45 AM, and I'm starting to feel like I could actually sleep. But what did I do to myself, and why? You can cure ignorance, but you can't shake carelessness. I can;t let this ever happen again.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for reading so far. Mods, leave this here, or submit it to the Dark Side, where ever is appropriate.
EDIT: It appears as though this may have been a panic attack.
25 mg DPH. Little pink pill fragments, bitter taste, an a mouthful of cold water. Lie down to sleep with slightly numb lips. Plus 6 mg melatonin. And the kratom from a few hours ago.
This is a normal night for me. Twenty minutes pass. I feel sleepy, but their something else. Something creeping an nagging at me. I'm not tired, not yet.
Up again, 25 mg DPH. Pink pills fragments, bitterness, cold water. Back under the covers. Still, I cannot sleep.
NOt only can't I sleep, I can't help feeling like I've been here before. Something about this feels horrible familiar. The growing sense of hyper alertness, like I'd just swallowed an adderall. I mentally take an inventory of all the substances taken today. Kratom (three cups tea, and a gram of extract), Theanine, caffeine, St. Johns Wort...
...St. Johns Wort, 4 capsules. Not usual for me. And St. John's Wort is an MAOI...
Oh crap. And DPH is an SSRI. Oh no shit please tell me I didn't give myself SS again oh christ...
I feel more alert and tense by the minute. I'm drifting now, oscillating between extreme sleepiness and glassy, unreal alertness. Just like all the times before. Oh crap, I'm in for it now.
I've felt stimmed to the eyebrows, all night. Took a benadryl with my kratom to prevent nausea. Then another one an hour ago. Then another now....
Fuck. I fucked up. I've read up on these substances so much. How is it possible for anyone to be so well read and make such dumb mistakes? The irony is stuck between my teeth, and my teeth are starting to chatter. I feel a tenseness in my back, a tiny tremor. Fuck. The ride has just begun.
This isn't the first time this has happened. Or the second, or the third. I've become all to familiar with these symptoms. I know the drill, and what it means when you wake up, more activated than awake, without the creeping shakes at 3 AM.
First time with 5-HTP and DXM. Took an impulse trip, forgot I had taken two impulse supplements in the morning. Horrible night, vomiting, twitching in my chest and arm muscles, feverish. My tendons feeling like taut steel wire. What I learned that first time is that there's no aborting it once the train has left the station. You just have to ride it out.
Then again. Bath salts (identity unknown, the mystery powder that puts meth to shame for sheer malignancy), Ropinirole, and Trazadone. Up all night, just like this. Stimmed, but not sick. Just very awake, felt almost like I was tripping.
Again, a year later. Same combination, different reasons. Over the course of single day. It all makes sense at any moment: huge essay? Bath Salts. Can't sleep? Trazodone Restless legs? Ropinirole. Plus a gram of Tyrosine, (for good measure).
And then, sickness and pain, almost like nothing I've ever felt before. Horrible retching, shaking, and chills. I'd never had a migraine before that night. I never spent the wee hours in a scalding-hot bath to drive away the chills, holding a bag of frozen peas to my head, sobbing in pain. Thoughts racing back and forth, wondering what happened, if I'm about to seize.
When I realized what it was, I felt only relief. This is familiar ground. Old turf. I know I'm not going to die. After a weak tea of poppy stems, I lie down, but don't sleep. Go to class, pale and shaking. Like a case of the flu on a benzo taper. I don't know what I would have done without the pods.
But this time, I've learned from my mistakes. Never again, right? Eternal vigilance is the price we pay...
And here I am again.
Now that it's started, my only thought is "how long?". I know the stages by heart. First comes the wakefulness, then the chattering teeth, the churning stomach. The chills creep in, and the cold sweats, the highlight reel from the time I kicked dope or benzo's. No need to shove, everyone gets a chance on stage tonight. Courtesy of Serotonin Syndrome, and chronic, unintentional recklessness.
My moth is dry now. I'm nervous, tense as a wire. I'm wishing it's all in my head but these thoughts move too fast to reassure me. When you have to yell at yourself to clm down, you've already lost the battle.
Minute by Minute, staring at a dark ceiling. Tension increasing. The cat knocsk something over, and my body floods painfully with adrenaline,, every muscle contracting for a fraction of a second. Now its over, and I'm shaking, because I know where I am, and what's the matter.
Trapped. Minute by minute. My thoughts are more disjointed. Paranoid inklings, little seeds of panic creeping in at the fringes of my psyhce. What if I die? What is I seize? I couldn't relive the last one. Oh christ, what am I going to DO?
Inspiration! A box of etizolam tablet, Intas manufactured. Thiodiazapene bliss in a blue, bisected pill.
But will it work? Everything is blow to outrageous proportions. I might interact badly. Could it? My thoughts flutter, like pigeons in a driving rain. Descisions are impossible. Sweat. I am sweating now.
A moment of clarity, and voice cuts through the frenetic whirling thoughts: Take. Now. Don't Argue.
I stumble out of bed, pop out two 1 mg tablets. I drop on, curse. I can feel the tremors building in my arms the dry mouth, the brain chugging like some diabolical computer, burning high-octane serotonin.
The next I knw, two ills are in my mouth. TTHis is the critical point. I have to swallow. I do swallow, chewing the tiny wafers.
Etizolam, 2 mg. Blue pill fragments, slightly sweet, a mouthful of cold water. Lie down in bed.
Is it getting worse? The symptoms are increasing alarmingly. I am more awake than anyone should ever be. Waiting, watching the ceiling. watching. waiting. And then...
Drowsiness? Yes, it's unmistakeable.The creeping tendrils of sleep, you earliest childhood friend. He rolls down the blinds of your eyes, and you know he'll take care of you when you're gone. Sleep is someone I can trust.
The nights not over yet. I still have dry mouth, and crystal clear clarity. MY mind in diamond sharp, but thoughts, my body, is thawing. Just a little, but it's proof, the battle will be one. I feel a quiet sense of victory. Don't want to get excited.
Stay Calm, Breath deep.
The feelings receded, but the alertness is still there. That may take several hours to go away.
4:45 AM, and I'm starting to feel like I could actually sleep. But what did I do to myself, and why? You can cure ignorance, but you can't shake carelessness. I can;t let this ever happen again.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for reading so far. Mods, leave this here, or submit it to the Dark Side, where ever is appropriate.
EDIT: It appears as though this may have been a panic attack.
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