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Mental Health Serious Mixed Bi-Polar Episode

Sprout

Sprout

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Oct 13, 2009
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Finding new lows.
I'm off, I'm in the fucking skies - not slept for close to a week, I lie - hour naps once every 3 days, but still 2 hours this week. I'm not eating, why eat? I feel fucking invincible and yet empty and fucking hollow at the same time. Shit!!! My mind is a fucking mess. I can't cope. My brain is racing at 3000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000mph but I'm trying to stay in control. No psych meds available, stopped them a year ago and my fucking illness has returned with a vengeance. Not psychotic yet, yet being key. Who knows? My brain likes its little fucking game. All I have is booze which I've been necking for weeks to keep this fucking beast down, but its arisen with a vengeance. It's 3:18am here and I'm not sleeping, I can't sleep, I can't calm down. The love of my fucking life (see SLR for details) has found someone knew and that's tipped me. It's not her fault. This is why she left me, why love me? My brain is barely responding, I feel fucking supercharged but each actual movement is taking minutes to actually enact, mind's racing so can't concentrate.

Don't expect you guys to help, you can't help. I need to vent, I need to do something to keep my mind in check for the amount of time it takes to write this.

Opiate WD is really not helping, fuck. Stay doped up 24/7 or go sky-fucking-high. Fuck.

Some people seem to want to be manic, for some ridiculous reason, thinking it's like phet, it's fucking not. It's like having your brain placed in a black hole, it's being torn apart by it's own gravity. Fuck.

Gonna KO myself, or try to - in the last 2 hours I'm through 8 cans of lager, 2 litres of cider and a bottle of vodka and still fucking going. My brain is raging, stupid raging, that awful fucking brain chatter every single second. Gonna chuck a large amount of tramadol and codeine down my gullet (wouldn't do much sober but fuck it, if it stops this).

Good luck to anyone else trying to cope.
 
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I know how you feel SoS. I'm up to a week without sleep myself and nothing seems to help.

Why did you stop your psych meds if you don't mind me asking?

Be careful with the tram, codeine and booze mixture mate.
 
This is why I always keep a large supply of Seroquel around. Though I wait till the shit is inches from the fan before taking the stuff. Then there are instances like tonight when I have to be at work in less than 8 hours. I'm feeling kind of manic. Do I take extra benzos? I can't really cause I got to be at work soon. I definitely don't take the Seroquel I'd oversleep and lose my job. So I smoke weed and drink a bit and hope the manic high will get me through my measly shift tommorow and I can sleep then.

Sometimes you just have to ride out the mania. Mine is probably related to me cutting back on drinking, running out of kratom, and getting low on weed. Oh and my birthday is in less than 22 hours so I'm excited about that. I just expect to be manic and crazy during these times of the year. Its who I am and I've learned accept the cycling because it was easier than accepting the medication. Marijuana controls my mood swings to a small extent. But I've learned: If your going to be bipolar your either going to take strong meds or have strong mood swings. Society and psychiatry would say the strong meds. I agree if they happen to "work" for you. But I garuntee you if I took the strong meds I've taken in the past for any length of time I would have shot myself in the head. I choose to learn to deal with the mood swings.

So far I've made a lot of progress and am a lot more "normal" now (whatever the fuck that is). But I would like to reach the point where I don't even need a crutch like marijuana or alcohol or whatever to get me through them. Seems unrealistic to me. But I'd rather be a pothead than somebody on 600mg of Seroquel who sleeps all day (that was me at one time).

EDIT: My post seems very disjointed but anyway I'm going to leave it as is. I can't write a straight post right now anyway my head isn't working right. Oddly enough the mania is subsiding a bit. My body realizes the need for sleep for tommorow. I'm sure I'll be manic in the morning but I'm going the fuck to bed. Remember taking your meds or not is your choice and you need to sit down and do some research and decide for yourself. Its easier to take the meds, but for a better quality of life I prefer to work on coping mechanisms\skills. Holy fuck this looks like something somebody would write on amps!
 
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weekend addiction said:
This is why I always keep a large supply of Seroquel around. Though I wait till the shit is inches from the fan before taking the stuff. Then there are instances like tonight when I have to be at work in less than 8 hours. I'm feeling kind of manic. Do I take extra benzos? I can't really cause I got to be at work soon. I definitely don't take the Seroquel I'd oversleep and lose my job. So I smoke weed and drink a bit and hope the manic high will get me through my measly shift tommorow and I can sleep then.

Sometimes you just have to ride out the mania. Mine is probably related to me cutting back on drinking, running out of kratom, and getting low on weed. Oh and my birthday is in less than 22 hours so I'm excited about that. I just expect to be manic and crazy during these times of the year. Its who I am and I've learned accept the cycling because it was easier than accepting the medication. Marijuana controls my mood swings to a small extent. But I've learned: If your going to be bipolar your either going to take strong meds or have strong mood swings. Society and psychiatry would say the strong meds. I agree if they happen to "work" for you. But I garuntee you if I took the strong meds I've taken in the past for any length of time I would have shot myself in the head. I choose to learn to deal with the mood swings.

So far I've made a lot of progress and am a lot more "normal" now (whatever the fuck that is). But I would like to reach the point where I don't even need a crutch like marijuana or alcohol or whatever to get me through them. Seems unrealistic to me. But I'd rather be a pothead than somebody on 600mg of Seroquel who sleeps all day (that was me at one time).

EDIT: My post seems very disjointed but anyway I'm going to leave it as is. I can't write a straight post right now anyway my head isn't working right. Oddly enough the mania is subsiding a bit. My body realizes the need for sleep for tommorow. I'm sure I'll be manic in the morning but I'm going the fuck to bed. Remember taking your meds or not is your choice and you need to sit down and do some research and decide for yourself. Its easier to take the meds, but for a better quality of life I prefer to work on coping mechanisms\skills. Holy fuck this looks like something somebody would write on amps!
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I can relate to a lot of this.

I know someone who was so severely angry at times that he would continuously punch dents into the metal wall of the storage room of the restaurant that he worked at. He couldn't afford medication. He said over the years it got a lot better. He was a very very sweet and compassionate man if you could get past his illness.

Anyone who tells anyone that they "need" to get on their medication, especially while they're in the midst of something with so much potential as mania, isn't just giving bad advice, they're hurting the person. I hope you understand this.

I've been sky-high manic before as I said.

Happy Birthday.

You would've shot yourself in the head if you were made to stay on your anti-psychotic? Ridiculous. I would have chosen a far more physically painful method to maybe make the bastards regret it a little.

Pot and alcohol may seem like they work but benzos imo are a better option for the bipolar person who wants to experience the least amount of mood swings and feel the least like they're being forced to act/feel how other people want them to.

Have you seen some of my recent posts? I wrote much more than that. Not dick-sizing, just saying you're not that bad.

From what I understand, taking opiates/alcohol/weed will in almost all circumstances make the illness worse.
 
i don't think i have bipolar but about once per year i send myself on a good 2-3 month drug induced hypomania which at times turns into full blown mania/psychosis. I know that feeling, my dad has bipolar as well, use to stay up for a week at a time constantly smoking cannabis. For him, smoking tons of cannabis works, for me, etizolam works but some benzos send me into mania as well. Most downers help, i hate seroquel but if you've been up for a week, it comes in handy. Alcohol does not mix well with mania, will send your moods all over the place for days and the lack of inhibitions is also an issue, especially when they are reduced from the mania in the first place.

cannabis is used by many people with bipolar to level their moods out. When such people quit cannabis, they will immediately be sent into mania. I've seen it happen time and time again. So if you medicate with cannabis, i'd suggest not running out! Personally i love hypomania and mania as well but with mania i end up doing a lot of things i regret and often end up in psychosis for part of it, so being manic isn't really much fun, hypomania is like a great speed high though.

not much you can do at this point other than to knock yourself out somehow; i would definitely keep a supply of seroquel around for such times, even though when i have hypomania the last thing i'm going to do is knock myself out and if i'm manic i usually don't realize it until afterwards but nevertheless if you aren't sleeping, seroquel will slow you down at least.
 
Just though I'd check in - moods are completely all over the place, managed to completely ruin a night out by almost screaming in a restaurant over the most stupid stuff. Knocked myself out with alcohol for a few days (few weeks actually but that was only Hypomania) so now I'm on day 4 of opiate WD along with alcohol WD with nothing more than anti-histamines and strong coffee. Trying to block the delusional thoughts but they're creeping through slowly, having to tell myself every 15 minutes there is no camera in the house, that no-one's watching but I see a glint across the street and it's automatically a camera or some kind of electronic tracking device. Surprisingly managed to get 5 hours of sleep last night, filled with the most obscene dreams, sleep paralysis and panic attacks but it was rest and I'm thankful. Does anyone else manage to do that? As in sleep for a good few hours while manic, but without medication? Never done it before. The depressive thoughts have kicked in today, crying over absolutely nothing, well I suppose there is something, or a lot of things, my brain is in absolute overdriven pain, I can't string a thought together, brain zaps, myoclonic twitches, RLS, vomitting, diarrhoea, thermoregulatory problems and entire body shakes. Both mind and body are in agony. But, I managed to fight the urge to go score, knowing it may end all this but worsen it in the long run whilst my mind is running away with itself is seriously fucking difficult. Made some use of my mania yesterday, cleaned for 16 hours straight so that really helped. Cheers for the comments, guys, nice to know I'm not alone.

Anyone else with BP/SA tendencies experienced combined opiate and GABA withdrawal?
 
I am going to lose it, properly. I've been minding my neighbour's house and her two dogs while she's been on holiday. And the only thanks I have recieved after a 16 hour manic cleaning is that it looked like "a hole", I've "broken her house", supposedly the house "stinks".

I am shaking so badly. My mind is not my, and definitely not her, ally right now. I can't express my thoughts right now. I'm sure everyone knows the rage associated with mania, added with the lack of inhibitions and I am not in a good place. This won't end well.
 
Don't convince yourself of that.

Some people are shits. That's their problem.

You admitted that there's at least a part of you which doesn't work for your own well-being right now. Meditate on that.

Yeah I've been so angry while manic I cried profusely.

If you think you're in danger of hurting yourself or hurting anyone else you have options:
1. call the police and tell them exactly what you've told us (this is the best option); they will know the best way to help you, and you will finally be safe!
2. tell someone you know and trust exactly what you've been going through
3. take a drug that you know will calm you down temporarily; this is the worst option. It will at best hold you over until you come down, and at worse may actually make your condition worse.
 
Ho-Chi-Minh said:
Pot and alcohol may seem like they work but benzos imo are a better option for the bipolar person who wants to experience the least amount of mood swings and feel the least like they're being forced to act/feel how other people want them to.
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I do take benzos but at the age of 21 realized I was probably going to be on GABA drugs the rest of my life. So I went from 4mg of Xanax to .75mg of Klonopin. I want to stay on the lowest dose I can because my family has several people with decades of benzo prescriptions under their belt. They all insist that less is better and take low doses themselves. Beyond that I use anything I can, even alcohol, over anti-psychotics.

SproutOnSmack said:
I am going to lose it, properly. I've been minding my neighbour's house and her two dogs while she's been on holiday. And the only thanks I have recieved after a 16 hour manic cleaning is that it looked like "a hole", I've "broken her house", supposedly the house "stinks".

I am shaking so badly. My mind is not my, and definitely not her, ally right now. I can't express my thoughts right now. I'm sure everyone knows the rage associated with mania, added with the lack of inhibitions and I am not in a good place. This won't end well.
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Out of curiosity why did you need to clean for 16 hours? The person sounds like an asshole I run into em all the time. I would take an anti-psychotic or some sedative that isn't benzos or booze. Maybe chamomile tea, benadryl, whatever. The next part is where you just ride it out. Let the meds do their best and you do the rest. You have to force yourself to calm down and I endorse any methods necessary. Anger can feed mania and it can be a vicious cycle I know.
 
if you're going through gaba and opiate withdrawal then the mania will likely lead to psychosis. You can see yourself slipping into it now, get some seroquel seriously, fuck benzos or alcohol, they aren't going to fix anything ATM (benzos may help but you need a bit more than just benzos). Every single benzo withdrawal i've had i've ended up psychotic for at least a week, the only thing that pulls me out is seroquel or an AP of some sort or just waiting it out.

I've done a couple opiate/benzo withdrawals and they are horrible, the best thing you can do is see a Dr, get some seroquel, some sleep, eat something, shower and try not to smash your walls looking for audio recording devices. At some point, the paranoia gets pretty damn convincing, so i'd try not to hit that point, once i went there, there was no turning back and i was completely gone for a few weeks talking about patterns, secret codes, the CIA and all sorts of typical crazy shit.
 
Cheers for the advice guys, but the mania is dissipating - "what goes up, must come down" and I am certainly going down. Fast. Random, intrusive, violent, suicidal thoughts constantly challenging my self control. Starting to feel the familiar emptiness, cried 3 times before I even left my bedroom this morning, but the bright side is I got 6 hours of sleep. Panic attacks and anxiety are still present but they're a ubiquitous part of my life when on a level plane so I can deal with those.
 
Ho-Chi-Minh said:
Anyone who tells anyone that they "need" to get on their medication, especially while they're in the midst of something with so much potential as mania, isn't just giving bad advice, they're hurting the person. I hope you understand this.
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I do not understand this. Please clarify.

Sprout - I still really think you need to see someone ASAP. You don't need to live like this, it can get better.
 
Well if you can I would still get some meds and its financially an option I would. Either that or get some illegal drugs you like pot, opiates, or whatever makes you calm (even H is preferable to alcohol for this). Then keep a "if shit hits the fan stash" for instances like this. I used to keep a whole lot of killer weed and some Xanax. When I got manic a few Volcano bags and a 2mg of xanax would put me out. Now I prefer Seroquel for when it gets too rough but 25 mg kicks my ass. Thinking about trying to get this switched wish there was a mild anti-psychotic. Oh yea CBD, present naturally in cannnabis, for some reason not being researched at all. That's what I'm sticking with today. I'm gonna spark one up in a minute in fact.
 
I'm currently kicking all drugs (except nicotine and caffeine) but I appreciate the suggestion WA! :D
Think I'm in Hypomania at the moment, I'm feeling fantastic, I feel just like I did in the beginning before the psychosis and suicidality reared their ugly heads. I'm beaming from ear to ear, dancing round the garden and doing all the things I've been putting off for months!
I'm a happy, happy, happy guy right now! Unbelievably happy in fact! I want to see where this leads - sure, it may end in disaster but I am the most euphoric I've been in years. If I can stretch this out as long as possible I'll be set! :D
 
SproutOnSmack said:
Cheers for the advice guys, but the mania is dissipating - "what goes up, must come down" and I am certainly going down. Fast. Random, intrusive, violent, suicidal thoughts constantly challenging my self control. Starting to feel the familiar emptiness, cried 3 times before I even left my bedroom this morning, but the bright side is I got 6 hours of sleep. Panic attacks and anxiety are still present but they're a ubiquitous part of my life when on a level plane so I can deal with those.
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that's good to hear at least; hypomania is great but when it crosses over into mania things get pretty bad. My moods cycle like nuts during the crash from mania, crying is a great help, try to cry as much as you can actually. It will help tremendously with the panic attacks and anxiety. Don't let the anxiety get to you, when you feel a panic attack let it hit you with open arms, embrace that feeling of terror, the chest pains, the numbness in your arms, the heart palpitations. Anxiety is fueled by fear, if you no longer fear anxiety then anxiety has no fuel and runs dry. It sounds stupid but try it, it works. You want to make anxiety your bitch and not the other way around, so show it who has the real power.
 
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