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Serious mental addiction to amphetamines...cannot escape

G

gman7104

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 8, 2009
Messages
340
A little background about me... I am a senior in high school who has struggled with serious motivation and social problems my whole life. I was never diagnosed with a mental disorder such as ADD but that is because my parents thought that I was just being rebellious. Then I found a solution to both of these problems, amphetamines.

It started with rolls in 10th grade. I was rolling every weekend for several months, I was in LOVE with the drug. It completely removed my social anxiety, I never would believe that I could be "normal" so to speak, and the discovery was one of the best (and worst) things that has happened to me.

However, after experiencing obvious mental impairment and finally a seizure, I decided I had to stop rolls for good. This, however, was one of the most painful things for me.

As stupid as it sounds, I loved E more than anything and anyone. It was the perfect medicine for me. The thought of never doing it again was an impossible thought, and the thought made me more depressed than anything else that has ever happened to me.

After returning to my lazy and socially withdrawn state (though its more than social anxiety, I have a tendency to sound "wierd" to other people, hence the reason I had little success with relationships. amphetamines removed this completely, something I thought was impossible) I began looking for things to replace rolls. I, being very good with drug chemistry, found a polydrug combination with adderall that gives me the feeling of rolling and being on meth at the same time, though not nearly as strong as either.

I would, up to this day, sniff massive amounts every weekend. adderall sufficently "nourished" my crave for amphetamines, though I will always want to roll again, adderall suffices.

After the weekend, I would be motivated, full of life, completely social. It filled my life with something to shoot for.

Now, however, im finding that Im losing that "amphetamine magic". The high isnt as good as it used to be, and the "afterglow" that would fix my motivational and social issues is quickly diminishing. Now I am somewhat of an emotional wreck, full of anger, but the only light of hope is blowing lines during the weekend.


I know it needs to stop. But ever since I tried that first roll, I have never been able to go longer than a month without amphetamines. Its ridiculous, but I truly love amphetamines more than anything or anyone, the thought of stopping them puts me into a borderline suicidal depression. The fact that they are the main focus of my life makes it even worse, because I know how obsurd it is, being so attached to a fucking pill.

i feel like im screwed one way or another, either i continue down this path or quit amphetamines, a thought that is unthinkable. i honestly don't know what to do. I remember how I used to be before amphetamines, and I hated how I was. I cannot stand the thought of returning to that state, and i know that due to all the amphetamines that state will be worse than it was before.

I wish so much that there was a magic pill that permanetly put me in the state of "normalness" that amps put me into, but there isnt.

Is there anyone out there who can relate to my situation? Is there any drugs or supplements that can maybe break this mental addiction? Ive tried many, from zoloft to 5-htp to xanax to god knows what else, it either dosent do it like amps did or it does but not for long.

Any advice is extremely appreciated.
 
I loved e for too long. I rolled everyday for 3 months. I too loved it more than anyone and anything. Eventually rolls and meth took over my life. I was a wreck chasing lines and pills to feel content. I stopped it but it was hard. I fell in love with opiates for they gave me that sense of wellbeing but didn't disrupt sleep or eating patterns. I wasn't a sleep deprived psychotic mess. Then iv heroin, my love, became my worst demon. Get out of drug use while you can. Changing the substance doesn't fix the problem, it just adds more chaos to the mix such as polydrug abuse and dependence. That's just my two cents.
 
Serotonin's two cents is worth more than anyone can calculate in dollars!

I wish so much that there was a magic pill that permanetly put me in the state of "normalness" that amps put me into, but there isnt.
Click to expand...

You are right that there is no magic pill that makes you " motivated, full of life and completely social." All of these things are attainable but it usually means tweaking your life and your thoughts over changing your body chemistry. Unfortunately you have trained your body and mind to expect these things to be instantly available to you because initially that is what drugs deliver. As you have experienced with one drug after another, eventually they don't work even in the short run.

The good news is that you can always retrain your body and your brain to be social on your own terms (not the media hype definition) and to be motivated by finding something in life that actually hooks you in. It will take great patience on your part to work towards attaining these feelings without drugs but it will be so rewarding to know that you do not need chemicals to be "full of life."

gman, you have the first step down. You are aware of what you need to do. taking care of your drug dependence now before it impacts you further will be the best thing you can do for yourself. TDS is a great place to get support, and I hope you will continue to post as you go through this journey, but I know there are groups available specifically for highschool students, as well. Check them out in your area. <3
 
I'm battling heroin addiction currently fighting for my life. On 5 January 2012 (today) I will be on a plane to Cleveland, Ohio for rehab. A quick Google search will show you the facility I will be at. The purpose of this is so I can learn to live a normal life without having to rely on drugs to be or feel normal. I know as long as I stay sober I have a chance to lead a happy healthy life. If I continue using you might as well that's suicide because all I'm doing is killing myself.

~sero
 
Sero, doubt that you will read this at this point, but good luck. You are fighting for your life and it deserves everything you have.<3
 
Thanks herby :) Im actually off to bed now as I gotta get up in 4 hours to get ready to head out. Sorry to derail the thread a bit. OP you can tame this problem. We all believe in you. Just stay strong, hell come join me in Cleveland and we can do rehab together :P
 
rickolasnice said:
Stop drug use.

Eat healthily, get regular exercise and a nomal sleep pattern.
Click to expand...


Easier said than done.... If it was that simple to quit an addiction, addictions wouldn't really be a problem would they? "Oh yeah, I forgot, I can just stop!" Though you're right of course, eating healthy exercise and sleep is the real solution.

For the OP, I was in the same place you were as a senior in high school. Except I did adderall every day. You can't break your mental addiction with a benzo. It's in your head. You are NOT any better, smarter, wittier, funnier, etc on amphetamines. You are exactly the same. It's only in your head you're thinking "I'm a god". You're going to have to come to terms with your addiction yourself. Why is it that you like them so much? What do they "do" for you? Are they covering up another problem in your life? You need to ask yourself these kinds of questions to come to the root of your addiction.
 
^ Great post, Sigmund. I agree, OP, that coming to terms with yourself sober is going to be a powerful experience and a necessary one for you to break your dependence on any substance. Negative self-talk is a hard habit to break but not at all impossible. It could be that CBT might be really effective for you--have you ever tried it?
 
The best news here is that you've already told yourself that you need to stop using amphetamines, or at least significantly limit your use of them. I've struggled with a lot of things similar to what you've described, from the social awkwardness and anxiety to the heavy self-criticism to the feelings of worthlessness and impending disaster. It seems to me (and I think some of the people above me said this too) that you've taught your brain that you're only "normal" when you're rolling or tweaking or somehow amped up. In my opinion, your next step to beating your addiction is to not ashamed of who the sober gman is, but to be confident in who you are. You're not as awkward as you think you are, I promise you that. I want to avoid making an example of myself, but up until July or so, the summer before I left for college, I was socially crippled by awkwardness; I thought I was the most socially incompetent and weird person on the planet. Find something, anything you can, about yourself that you're good at or that you think someone might look at positively and embrace it. Once you're confident in who the sober gman is, beating your addiction (I actually want to call it an attraction, "addiction" seems like to simple a term) will be somewhere between a thousand and a million times easier, by my calculations. :D

Sigmund is right when he says that you're not any different when you're on amphetamines. You're the same person, and at the very most you're just looser and more confident because of the amphetamines. There's nothing stopping you from being the same person while you're sober except the image you've built of the sober you being an awkward, anxious, useless waste of life, which is absolutely not true. What you have to do now is stay sober and, even if it seems like a complete lie for the first little bit, you must tell yourself that you're just as good sober as you are when you're sped up.

Herbie is spot-on when he says that "Negative self-talk is a hard habit to break but not at all impossible." That was my entire reality for at least five years, and I can tell you from experience that once you stop seeing yourself in a negative light you'll realize you have much more to be proud of than you've ever had a chance to recognize. That revelation alone, which you'll discover quickly, is one of the most freeing and relieving feelings you'll have a chance to experience.

I feel like I've been rambling a lot here and I'm kind of a broken record on The Dark Side today, but I'll leave you with one last piece of advice: gman, always remember that you are ultimately the guide of your own destiny. Tomorrow is your day, not speed's or ecstasy's or your anxiety's. Don't let your situation define who you are and how you see yourself, but let yourself be defined by what you make of your circumstances. You're not a victim, you're not helpless or stranded or empty. This won't beat you, you're stronger than it is. Uppers may have been a huge part of your life for a very long time but that doesn't mean you can't be who you want to be without them.

I think I can speak for all of the Darksiders when I say that we've got your back. We'll always be here, so don't be afraid to rant or vent or spew or anything to us; I think you probably get that after your 300 posts but I thought it would be good to say anyhow. :)

Sorry for the broken-record rambling I've been doing here, by the way. I just want to help anyone I can here in some way or another.

Good luck, man. Keep your head up.
 
If you are scripted amphetamines, ask to be moved to a less abusable formulation and be given small amounts of the drug at a time. Vyvanse or Concerta are good options, or modafinil if you can get it. If not, you may have ADHD in some form, so perhaps addressing that could solve some of your issues, its worth talking to a doctor about non-stimulant medications. You may be able to procure modafinil or bupropion with some ease if you've trialed several antidepressents, which do have some evidence for efficacy in methamphetamine addiction, depression, and ADHD.

The secret now is to lower your dose as much as you can and start working out in the mornings. I could give you a wall of text on the biological reasons why to do so, but the results speak for itself.

Best of luck,
EA
 
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