Serious Inability to Face Reality

[NotQuiteThere]

Hi all,

I just wanted to write briefly about my experience, because the more people I've met, I've found there is a lot of similarity between what I've experienced and others. And I know that reading about other people going through the same things has been helpful to me.

Don't want to be long winded, but basically wanted to say that the past few months I've had to admit, painfully, that I have a drug problem. But unlike a 'classical' drug problem, I'm not a particular addict to any substance. Sure, I've developed a tolerance to alcohol. Though that's because alcohol is my drug of choice at the moment. I was prescribed klonopin before, and was quite addicted to it, until I stopped 3 years ago. Of course, the withdrawal was terrible. I was addicted to smoking, quit that too.

Basically, I'm at a point in my life where I don't know where to go from here. I want to seek help but I almost feel like rehab won't help that much because, though a month or so without drugs can be useful, I feel that the underlying causes that push me to use won't be gone. Case in point, I spent a month at a zen monastery this past year (not rehab, I know), didn't use drugs except for a small amount of valium to sleep, came home, started using again slowly. I'm at a loss because I feel like a period of cessation is equivalent to dieting by starvation - it'll work in the short term until I resume normal operation.

Anyway, not seeking advice or help really, just letting people out there know that they're not alone in their feeling that everything is fucked up because they NEED to consume something.

My life has been driven by this the past 7 years. If it wasn't alcohol, it was marijuana, or hallucinogens, or benzos, or amphetamines, or something. I'm absolutely not comfortable with seeing the world as it is. Recently, my anxiety has gotten so great that really only alcohol, benzos, or dissociatives are acceptable to me. Attempting to trip or get stoned simply results in a very uncomfortable state at best, and a bad trip that makes me crazily seek for xanax at the worst.

My upbringing was pretty shitty. I developed severe insomnia and ADD and anxiety that needed medication starting from the 7th grade. Don't want to go into details, but that's where my abuse started.

Interestingly enough, I can quit most or all drugs by engaging myself in some other 'distractive' sort of activity. i.e. if I'm playing a computer game (DotA was my personal curse, for those that have played it) I can go days or weeks without any drugs because that is my drug. Or I can over eat to the point of incredible weight gain (doesn't help much with depression).

Deprived of all these, as I was at the monastery I went to, my drug became sleep. It was truly amazing to witness myself, an insomniac, sleeping 14+ hours a day because it was my only escape from the world when separated from any sort of drug.

From personal observation, the biggest driving force in leading me to do these things is a fundamental lack of trust in myself. I look at everyone around me and constantly compare. So and so is doing this thing I 'want' - so and so is doing that thing I 'want.' Amazingly, once I get something I want, it's not what I want anymore. I lost 60 pounds two years ago after fretting endlessly about being overweight, but somehow I didn't feel better. I started worrying about debt, or my lack of confidence around women. I didn't feel better because of the weight loss. Instead, subconsciously, I drove myself to pervert my mind and body even more so I could have something else to worry about.

Ok this is kind of a rambling post, but here's the conclusion. I'm getting help now, and I hope anyone else who is in a similar situation does too. I felt like I couldn't go to AA meetings because I could quit drinking and consume other drugs, for example. I've also felt like, since I could quit any drug (be it chemical or experiential like video games), that I wasn't an addict. Well, I'm seeing the writing on the wall now, and so should you. In a good way that is! Experience life for real. It will be shitty at first for sure, but in the end it'll be worth it.

Or maybe I'm fucking wrong about it all, but I've talked to other people who have this issue where they hate the life they see, and they hate who they are, and they see the only solution as medication with drugs or other similar things. And that's not a sustainable solution.

 

[the real yeti]

Well done, man, fantastic post. I'm sure this will help a lot of people on TDS. You should hang around the forums more, you'd be an awesome addition! Keep up the good work, you've done a great job.

 

[effie]

Hi there, welcome to TDS and thank you for sharing that with us

I entirely understand where you are coming from. I think that essentially you are trying to escape your reality because you are not happy with it/yourself - whether that be through attending a Zen monastery, taking a drug or losing yourself in a computer game. Have you thought about counselling or some form of therapy to try to get to the bottom of why you are not happy with your life the way it is?

To be honest - I don't think there are many of us who are content with our world the way it is. Boredom, self-loathing, hiding from problems and a general feeling that there should be more to life are incredibly prevalent I think. Have you carried on with your Buddhism since returning from the retreat? That really helps with the general feeling of dissatisfaction and that desire for something, anything to make us feel better..

Seeing as you have already found that you can replace drugs with other activities - you could always take that approach, but choose activities which are going to make you feel better about yourself and generally enrich your life. Exercise is a great one - those endorphins can be quite addictive, and it really does make you feel good about yourself while obviously improving your health. Or you could pick a new hobby/evening class and try that instead?

Honestly - you really are not alone. I think that some counselling or therapy to try to start respecting and accepting yourself would be a really good idea, plus perhaps some of the other things I have suggested. What do you think?

Good luck

 

[MrHH]

NotQuiteThere: I like to see how you express your feelings.

I had the same situation before, and I think that a high percentage of the people feels a degree of such feeling at least once.

My suggestion is to:

1. Identify the reasons you do not feel well about your life. It can be a big variety of things. You may need help from a psychologist, as sometimes, the reasons are really hidden in one`s subconscious.
2. Change the patterns, behaviours, relationships, habbits, etc. that should give you a different point of view about the life.
3. No illegal drugs until the problems are solved of course! Otherwise you will keep yourself in a loop that will get worst by the day.

It`s not an easy work, but you will be really happy when everything finishes.

Keep it up!

 

[the real yeti]

After my first admittedly unproductive post (I think ADHD got me a bit sidetracked with my response 8) ) I've re-read this and I think I know a little bit of what you're feeling.

I've had similar problems with my anxiety, and I think you're on the right track with finding your own relief from it. If you want to keep taking a medication (I opted for that, but to each his own), explain everything (except maybe the previous drug use if you're concerned about being listed as drug-seeking, I don't think this particular denial of information will have any real effect on their evaluation and response) about how you're feeling and what you've done to cope with it. Also explain how your depression interacts with your anxiety and the unhealthy habits you form because of the vicious cycle you feel trapped in.

On top of that, keep finding entertaining things that distract you from your drug use. I've found that video games are great because they constantly engage your mind and cause you to think quickly and decisively; this kind of psychological activation, at least as I've found, seems to help build confidence, which I'll come to in just a moment. Try making a hobby: get into going to the gym or going on runs, try studying some political or social or scientific topic that you're interested in, try doing some simple art, build model airplanes, take up going on bike rides. Anything you could do will help; it functions as a sort of release for your tension and stress and anxiety that you find yourself often deprived of. My personal favorite is stream-of-consciousness writing; I get some food and a drink, a pen, and a notebook before I sit down and, without explicit purpose, just begin writing. I write anything that might come to mind, and honestly it's very cool to read afterward. Sometimes it's a rant, sometimes it's an argument or an expression of opinion, sometimes it's a short story or highly detailed description of a setting. (If you want to read something I've come up with while doing this, just tell me. I'm more than happy to share them with people; I actually enjoy it.)

Ultimately, though, the most important and empowering thing you can do for yourself is learn to be confident in who you are as a unique person. Your personality, the very essence of who you are, is a combination of characteristics, talents, and convictions that has never before and never again will be represented on this blue-and-green chunk of rock we as humans call "home". Once the story of your life comes to a close, when the final page is turned, what makes you truly you will be represented only by the people that you have somehow impacted during your limited time here. Nobody else will ever be able to have precisely the same influence on human society, your influence is uniquely yours.

This is your soul, and it will never be replaced or duplicated, for it is the unique nucleus of your being. If nothing else, be confident in that. Nobody has been you before and nobody will ever be you again, so be confident that you can bring something to humanity that nobody has before. It seems impossible that a single soul can affect all of the remaining 6,999,999,999 on the planet, but the interactions you have with people and the thoughts and feelings you will inevitably inspire in those you touch, even briefly and remotely, throughout your 80 or so years here will have their impact, and even though the way you will minutely change people seems inconsequential, it will spread to virtually every other soul on this planet.

It is this spread of minuscule changes in our individual perspectives that we call "humanity", and it is what makes homo sapiens, as an entire species, unique and wonderful.

I've been rambling profusely, so I'll leave you with one last bite of food for thought. To be confident, you have to make the most of what you have and what events occur during the course of your life. Don't always expect perfection, but look at what good, even if it's abstract or visible only in the long-term, could come out of a situation and embrace it. Things can always get worse, so try to find the good in everything. When you have to make an important decision, always trust yourself and defend your choice; even if it seems that you made the "wrong" choice, find the good that will come from it, because it's always there. You just have to find it.

I say this far too often, but I'll say it again: your destiny is not determined by what situations you're put in during your life but what you make of those situations, especially the unfavorable ones. A victim is is confronted by a happening in their life and breaks down, lets it beat them up, and becomes helpless and robbed of control; a survivor keeps a death grip on their control, makes the most of anything that may occur to them, and ultimately finds himself improved in the end.

Don't allow yourself to be a victim, but fight your inconveniences and be a survivor. Your destiny belongs to you and you alone. Tomorrow is your day, and it isn't controlled by anxiety or depression or weight or insecurity or addiction or dependency; it's controlled only by you. Nothing and nobody that exists can determine where your life will go, that is a power that will only lie in your hands.

Keep your head up. You can do this, there's nothing stopping you. If absolutely nothing else, be confident in your uniqueness, and everything else will fall in line behind it if you're patient and perseverant.

EDIT: Wow, that is one friggin' long post. Sorry about the wall of text, I kind of spilled the contents of my consciousness all over this thread. I hope I helped, at the very least! Best of luck to you, my friend.