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Septsober - The September gettn and stayn sober thread 2014

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Smoky said:
BlueSaffron, I tapered Heroin… It was so very difficult but I was using enough to just hold me, experiencing withdrawals in the day. I then took methadone through the acute phase and it worked. With seizure meds. I was in terror of jumping off a high dose again, so I made a conscious choice to do it. I cut up the amounts 5-6 days in advance… made a plan so I wouldn't go over.. :)
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It's hard to cut up mine though because the pieces are so small in the first place. I have one half gram left and half of another half gram. I wouldn't even know how to portion it out, so I'm just going by how I feel, making sure my eyes are a little dilated and I'm achy and restless. I'm doing the same thing you did, making myself go through the day somewhat sick, and using at night just enough to sleep- The only time I let myself approach feeling normal is at nighttime, because I know sleep is crucial to getting through an opiate detox. I wake up pretty sick though, because I don't do enough to last through the night, just enough to get to sleep for a few hours.

It's tempting to do more but at the same time, it's not. I don't want to be on it anymore. I want to know what it's like to feel normal. I spent half a year high and then I spent three months in misery on a rapid methadone taper... I'd like to just know what it is to feel normal. To not second guess myself - did I make the right decision? I was pretty high, maybe I was seeing things better than they were. Or - I was pretty sick, maybe I was seeing things as worse than they were.

I just want to wake up and feel normal.
 
Smoky said:
BlueSaffron, I tapered Heroin… It was so very difficult but I was using enough to just hold me, experiencing withdrawals in the day. I then took methadone through the acute phase and it worked. With seizure meds. I was in terror of jumping off a high dose again, so I made a conscious choice to do it. I cut up the amounts 5-6 days in advance… made a plan so I wouldn't go over.. :)
Click to expand...


It's hard to cut up mine though because the pieces are so small in the first place. I have one half gram left and half of another half gram. I wouldn't even know how to portion it out, so I'm just going by how I feel, making sure my eyes are a little dilated and I'm achy and restless. I'm doing the same thing you did, making myself go through the day somewhat sick, and using at night just enough to sleep- The only time I let myself approach feeling normal is at nighttime, because I know sleep is crucial to getting through an opiate detox. I wake up pretty sick though, because I don't do enough to last through the night, just enough to get to sleep for a few hours.

It's tempting to do more but at the same time, it's not. I don't want to be on it anymore. I want to know what it's like to feel normal. I spent half a year high and then I spent three months in misery on a rapid methadone taper... I'd like to just know what it is to feel normal. To not second guess myself - did I make the right decision? I was pretty high, maybe I was seeing things better than they were. Or - I was pretty sick, maybe I was seeing things as worse than they were.

I just want to wake up and feel normal.
 
BlueSaffron said:
It's hard to cut up mine though because the pieces are so small in the first place. I have one half gram left and half of another half gram. I wouldn't even know how to portion it out, so I'm just going by how I feel, making sure my eyes are a little dilated and I'm achy and restless. I'm doing the same thing you did, making myself go through the day somewhat sick, and using at night just enough to sleep- The only time I let myself approach feeling normal is at nighttime, because I know sleep is crucial to getting through an opiate detox. I wake up pretty sick though, because I don't do enough to last through the night, just enough to get to sleep for a few hours.

It's tempting to do more but at the same time, it's not. I don't want to be on it anymore. I want to know what it's like to feel normal. I spent half a year high and then I spent three months in misery on a rapid methadone taper... I'd like to just know what it is to feel normal. To not second guess myself - did I make the right decision? I was pretty high, maybe I was seeing things better than they were. Or - I was pretty sick, maybe I was seeing things as worse than they were.

I just want to wake up and feel normal.
Click to expand...

Yes, that's pretty much the way I was going with it, less in the morning more at night to sleep, as well as keeping an eye on my pupils… to make sure they were getting dilated. The physical symptoms probably are best way to tell, as it was hard to ration out the dope cos of the size. Sleep is so important, it truly makes my day better or worse.

I so get what you mean. It was always so tempting to do more … but I was SO DONE. It was to the point where every time I used I would visualize having what I used having to leave my body for withdrawals.. The methadone did prolong a little, so yeah .. maybe not even necessary for you… especially with that experience.
It's so hard to navigate…. I was questioning myself all the time. Second guessing everything, checking my car was locked, double checking things.. No healthy self agency anymore..

I'm starting to feel normal finally, a little. Sometimes confusion, some lethargy.. but nothing like it was first week/2.

Really great you are doing this, this part even seemed harder for me as I was still using than when I quit.. but it made quitting easier, cutting down first.. when it was time. :)
 
How long have you been clean Smoky? "no healthy self agency anymore" - exactly. I question myself on everything. I don't like that feeling.

I have an opportunity next tuesday... I don't want to get into detail, because I don't want to jinx it. It could quite easily come to nothing, I don't know if I'm what they're looking for, but if I am, it could possibly change my life. Just another reason not to get high, to stay in withdrawal and keep at this.
 
Smoky said:
I'm doing a little better than yesterday… rebound anxiety not so strong… 22 days! Just got out of an acupuncture chair at a place I found is cheaper and they let one sit longer than 1/2 hour in lazy boys. My pain still in spine but it's more bearable.

Swimming is the best form of exercise ! ! I may go to the public pool tomorrow if I can find my suit…

BlueSaffron, I tapered Heroin… It was so very difficult but I was using enough to just hold me, experiencing withdrawals in the day. I then took methadone through the acute phase and it worked. With seizure meds. I was in terror of jumping off a high dose again, so I made a conscious choice to do it. I cut up the amounts 5-6 days in advance… made a plan so I wouldn't go over.. :)
Click to expand...

I had acupuncture today %) (free though)

however I feel I only need it for about 10-15 minutes, that's long enough for me. :)
 
Well I would have had 10 days today, but I ended up smoking lol... I didn't want to shoot it, what's the point?? It was my last time anyway, for forever!! I found out that I'm for sure 100% definitely leaving tomorrow, where I don't know anyone or anything (it will be my first time in NorCal ever aside from Mammoth) and can't cop... and idk, in a way I feel like I needed to do it one last time, say goodbye, you know? And for that reason I really, honestly don't regret doing it... I have no desire to again. I'm fully ready now to close this chapter of my life and begin my brand new one, and yes, I'm fully confident in myself about this and seriously words can't even describe how excited I am to be making such a huge change!! It was so last minute and everything leading up to me doing this has been me just going along with whatever happens, following my intuition, and going with the flow... it's just felt like the right thing to do. It's something I need to do in order to give myself some REAL distance from it and some real clean time and to find myself and save up some money to pursue my dreams and my passions. I mean, this is just the most perfect thing for me right now!! And I'm certain that when I come back, heroin addiction will practically be like a distant memory that deserves to stay exactly that -- something that belongs in my past. I mean, who needs heroin when you're smack dab in the middle of making every single one of your dreams come true? :)
 
BlueSaffron said:
How long have you been clean Smoky? "no healthy self agency anymore" - exactly. I question myself on everything. I don't like that feeling.

I have an opportunity next tuesday... I don't want to get into detail, because I don't want to jinx it. It could quite easily come to nothing, I don't know if I'm what they're looking for, but if I am, it could possibly change my life. Just another reason not to get high, to stay in withdrawal and keep at this.
Click to expand...

Yes it's like I couldn't trust myself because I wasn't truly ME. My false self of sorts when under control of a drug. I have 23 days today. I had a little over a month before I had 8 years ... but right now no one could pay me to touch an opiate. I wasn't ready last month I guess.

I won't ask then what is coming up for you… as to not jinx it, but its great it seems like an incentive to not use. Really awesome you have an opportunity regardless of the outcome. :)
 
NSA - I don't have my board anymore, I sold it on this last run :( and yes, I VERY MUCH REGRET DOING IT haha. It's okay tho, I'll be making enough money to get a new one!! It's kinda funny you brought up snowboarding actually haha, I've been thinking about it practically non-stop since yesterday when I realized how close the season is... I can't wait to shreddd <3 <3 We will definitely have to go!!

Blue, yeah heroin always holds me back too. It has a way of doing that to people -_- Whenever I've been all strung out I always isolate myself and just become kind of stagnant in life. I hate living that way, it's not me at all... glad that's all behind me now, that's for sure!!
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I had acupuncture today %) (free though)

however I feel I only need it for about 10-15 minutes, that's long enough for me. :)
Click to expand...

Ahh, nice C.H. It helps me quite a bit.
I just got approved for new insurance and am lookin into if they cover acupuncture. I'm also going to try sitting in the chair less than last time and compare the effects.. See if less is enough for me :)
 
Smoky said:
Ahh, nice C.H. It helps me quite a bit.
I just got approved for new insurance and am lookin into if they cover acupuncture. I'm also going to try sitting in the chair less than last time and compare the effects.. See if less is enough for me :)
Click to expand...

I personally find that the acupuncture has 2 fold benefits

the needles stimulating the nerves don't induce enough pain to be unpleasant, but the signals it does transmit also then causes your body to release endorphins to counteract the pain (which isn't really noticeable); you're essentially tricking your body into releasing endogenous endorphins; hence why it is beneficial for so many different various mental/physical things where endogenous endorphins are helpful (pain, relaxation, anxiety, insomnia, energy, etc)

the second part to it is the meditation; and I notice most people where I go like to lay there much longer than I do. And I think that this is a great thing! :) I just prefer meditating all by myself (and it's obviously due to my PTSD/agoraphobia), so the last time I went I deliberately stayed 15 minutes and I was able to relax.

I think that having the natural endogenous endorphin release alongside meditation in a comforting environment has allowed me to mentally work on myself and my issues, and I feel I'm slowly making progress where I wasn't for quite some time.

But yeah Smoky - do you meditate on your own much? I've started embracing it a lot more and I'm really glad I've been utilizing it as a tool.

I normally employ the form of meditation where you allow things to be perceived and don't actively think about it (passive observation; I forget the term). I sometimes focus strongly on one object (I forget the term for this one too) but I don't use it as much. Both can be really helpful though, and if I'm exceptionally upset, stressed, or whatever, I normally go for the latter. When I'm in a better mindset I normally go for the former.

Much <3 to everyone!
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I personally find that the acupuncture has 2 fold benefits

the needles stimulating the nerves don't induce enough pain to be unpleasant, but the signals it does transmit also then causes your body to release endorphins to counteract the pain (which isn't really noticeable); you're essentially tricking your body into releasing endogenous endorphins; hence why it is beneficial for so many different various mental/physical things where endogenous endorphins are helpful (pain, relaxation, anxiety, insomnia, energy, etc)

the second part to it is the meditation; and I notice most people where I go like to lay there much longer than I do. And I think that this is a great thing! :) I just prefer meditating all by myself (and it's obviously due to my PTSD/agoraphobia), so the last time I went I deliberately stayed 15 minutes and I was able to relax.

I think that having the natural endogenous endorphin release alongside meditation in a comforting environment has allowed me to mentally work on myself and my issues, and I feel I'm slowly making progress where I wasn't for quite some time.

But yeah Smoky - do you meditate on your own much? I've started embracing it a lot more and I'm really glad I've been utilizing it as a tool.

I normally employ the form of meditation where you allow things to be perceived and don't actively think about it (passive observation; I forget the term). I sometimes focus strongly on one object (I forget the term for this one too) but I don't use it as much. Both can be really helpful though, and if I'm exceptionally upset, stressed, or whatever, I normally go for the latter. When I'm in a better mindset I normally go for the former.

Much <3 to everyone!
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Thank you Captain Heroin,

I know what you mean about ptsd, agoraphobia… I have personal and some transpersonal trauma, where I am not always in my body where I can become quite dissociated and rather highly sensitive to other's energies in a room.. which limits my ability to focus cos I get rather distracted… For me I can't have anyone behind me in chairs or sometimes on the street… it makes me nervous. There was a guy snoring in the chair behind me at the clinic lol, so I couldn't rest, but I did feel the endorphins, didn't crave as much chocolate that day.

As far as meditation I used to do a lot but need to get back to it as waves of derealization have been coming over me (even with 3+ weeks clean). For me traditionally I use a healing white light meditation that goes through my whole body. It's a visual type I guess one would call it. I do think I understand what you term " passive observation." As in recognizing what arises in the mind but not clinging to it and just watching thoughts pass?

I am going to try both meditations soon, might help for cravings to pass too! :)

<3 to everyone to and anyone in the struggle. It's been one lately, but worth it.
 
Im 5 days no suboxone on a short term suboxone detox.I was taking 90 to 150 mgs daily of oxycodone daily.Taken orally only, I tapered down over a 2 week period to just 15mgs only daily and that was tough.Last monday 10 days ago I took my last dose of oxy at 6pm that night and waited 12 hrs until 8am the next to take my 1st dose of suboxone. I took 4mgs of sub on tue and 4mgs on wed then dropped to 2mgs on Thu and only 1/2 mg last fri for a total of 4 days of suboxone only.Today is day 5 no sub I feel about 70% all day then hit a wall with no energy about 4pm in the afternoon and the rest of the night.Just wondering if anyone else has gone this short term suboxone route? And can maybe tell me what to look forward to.Thank You and God Bless
 
Fort collins.. A quote from u if your my old friend "the worst thing in the world"

Really didn't mean to freak you out I just have a good friend named shawn who as far as I know is in active addiction. I think his x used to use this sight when we ran together. I just wish him well and thought you may be him. Yeah I know a billion to one, but gave it a try anyway.

Once again welcome, and I hope you have stumbled across a piece of your puzzle =D
 
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