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September H&R Thread v. Doggo

I have tried EMDR. I relived the whole experience very uncomfortably and got to relive the emotions. I can't say it was anti-therapeutic but I can't say it did much good either.

The practitioner was very cold and didn't seem to care. Should I try again with someone who seems to give a shit? Could anyone PRETEND TO give a shit about me or is that a pipe dream? Would it make a difference?

I don't know. I don't know if I care to try again but I'm not totally closed off to the idea.
 
its not about reliving it. maybe the accelerated version would be better. i don't know how it works at all but for that you don't have to access the memory directly. its really weird but i knew straight away it was working cos half way through i went from feeling like i was going to have a panic attack just thinking about thinking about certain stuff, to being able to actually replay things in my memory and remain calm. you don't have to do that as part of the therapy, i did it cos i was like 'this can't be happening!' it doesn't get rid of all the sadness about what's happened and i can still get to that place where i'm just not safe, but the really acute symptoms of ptsd were massively alleviated immediately.

i would like some more to see if it would help cos i think i still lose my shit at things i shouldn't. like the other day some weird guy started talking to me on my way to work. then asking if i'd meet him. he was walking along with me in broad daylight with other people around for about 2 minutes. yeah, its not pleasant for anyone, but as soon as i got away from him i completely freaked, took me back to that place where i am going to be attacked and there is nothing i can do. i'd like for that not to happen anymore.

this time last year exactly i was munching all my downers trying to ignore the fact i was going to rehab in about 36 hours.
 
this has been the worst year of my life chinup and not even years of sobriety could prepare me for it. real life can get harsh.

Just remember, you're worth it. <3
 
My heart has just melted


"Welsh Terrier and hedgehog become best friends and help their owner tackle anxiety"

Rosie the dog and Olive the hedgehog might seem like unlikely friends but the pair are inseparable They’ve become Instagram stars after owner physiotherapy assistant Victoria Wright, 28, who first adopted Welsh terrier mix pooch Rosie from a local shelter in April 2014, brought African pygmy hedgehog, Olive, home in July this year. Now they love to play and snuggle up together and together they have support Victoria with her own problems with anxiety, which had become so bad she was afraid to leave the house. She said: ‘Rosie had a really tough beginning. She was found as a stray in a bad way. She had barely any fur on her ears and scarring on her nose. ‘She was in the shelter for months before I found her. Hearing that gutted me – it was heartbreaking to feel like nobody wanted her. ‘But when I saw her, I loved her right away. Her and Olive are great with each other, too.


Read more: https://metro.co.uk/2019/09/30/york...lp-owner-tackle-anxiety-10830935/?ito=cbshare

metro.co.uk

Welsh Terrier and hedgehog become friends to help their owner with anxiety

Name a more iconic duo.
metro.co.uk metro.co.uk
 
I've found the problem with using drugs when you just want to die is that you don't die. Instead you just dig yourself deeper into the shithole. Withdrawal arrests complications ect
 
fuck cj. i hope you feel better soon.

you posted that at the right time though. fuck living with people is hard. i just had an argument with my housemate, cos she took exception to me taking exception to her blocking access to my bedroom by hanging her laundry in the way. i took it down cos it was dry and she's left stuff for weeks in the past. she told me not to touch her stuff again but would not elaborate on what would happen if i did.

she told me to act like an adult. she is 5 years older than me. i told her if she's going to tell me to act like an adult then she should start acting like one and pay her fucking bills on time. she owes me 3 months of internet and 2 months of council tax. apparently its my responsibility to ask, which it probably is but she's constantly fucking broke and complaining about it so i find it hard.

she'd been saying for weeks she was gonna take a key to our agent so they could do some work, our door is so swollen we can barely get out the house. she finally did it yesterday cos i told her i'd be angry if she didn't cos i could just have done it.

until yesterday she'd not cleaned anything but hr own kitchen mess, for 3 fucking months.


this is all so petty when i write it down. but i just want her out. its not good for my recovery to live with someone who doesn't work except the odd cash in hand shift and sits watching tv surrounded by shit til i clean it. there's nothing i can do until july. 9 fucking months of this honestly just kill me now.
 
cj I can't blame you for what's happened. Life is rough. Just know you'll be OK. <3 Have faith. Treat yourself well.
 
fucking hell, i've never managed to do the right thing in a conflict before but unfortunately i've met someone more unreasonable than me, and i fucking live with her. tbh being in the right doesn't matter when it still means your life is intolerable.
 
4 hours sleep on a work night. living with an absolute psycho. she says she doesn't feel safe around me and reported me to the police, because i moved her washing. telling me how awful it is to feel unsafe in her own home from when i was being raped there on a weekly basis. i just said know how it feels and its intolerable. her lack of resilience and perspective are amazing.

I've reported her for benefit fraud, partly in retaliation and partly cos i've felt uncomfortable about it for ages, and it might, once she's cooled down from it, give her some insight into herself and the reality of what an honest program means, cos she says she's working one all the time.
 
hard day. i've been surprisingly cheerful for most of it under the circumstances. found out more about this ridiculous drama.

for moving her laundry, my housemate has involved: the police, the neighbours, everyone at the women's NA meeting, our letting agents, and my parents.

to everyone but my parents she has played victim of a violent psychopath. to my parents she played concerned and supporting housemate. i can't get her out without her agreement. i've offered to buy her out of the tenancy, but she refused. i tried so hard to reason with her last night and she just laid into me. she said she will complain about me to the police until i have to move. it doesn't work like that but its concerning, especially given i have a relatively recent record (no violence though).

part of what kept me cheerful is knowing i did the right thing, i went in apologetic and conducted myself well last night. it doesn't make this situation tolerable though.

the people at NA are on my side, i had lunch with one of them today and she was disgusted by my housemates behaviour. my housemate called her making loads of vindictive and spiteful comments.
 
Damn.. @ chinup. That sounds insane. That escalated fast. I don't even know what to say. I'm kinda ashamed that I haven't been by here in a minute to say hiii...and it breaks my heart to see that you have all this crazy drama going on in your life. Please drop back by to let us know how this all turns out. Care about you sweetheart.
 
i know its fucking nuts. i don't know what to do. on sunday i texted her to say i was coming back with my cat. she sent me a friendly text back saying 'no bad vibes here.' i still haven't spoken to her but i felt so much better. then i didn't go to the meeting last night cos i thought it inappropriate for us to both go given we hadn't cleared the air yet. i got a text from my friend halfway through saying that i should come because what she was saying was obscene. so clearly still bad vibes. there's so much i don't understand about this situation, but does she not think i will speak to the people she speaks to, especially when its my parents and one of my best friends, and notice that its shite.

i went and she left immediately. still not spoken to her. don't want to. there's no point, everything she says is utter shit.

she keeps switching off the heating and the last 3 nights i've slept in this house i've woken up cos of the cold. she has double glazing, my room has single glazing with rotting frames and actual holes.

i've been listening to a lot of music about suicide. i'm not thinking about it properly but its comforting.

she's fucking singing and its awful, and one of her 'get rich quick' schemes is music. how deluded is that?
 
chinup said:
i know its fucking nuts. i don't know what to do. on sunday i texted her to say i was coming back with my cat. she sent me a friendly text back saying 'no bad vibes here.' i still haven't spoken to her but i felt so much better. then i didn't go to the meeting last night cos i thought it inappropriate for us to both go given we hadn't cleared the air yet. i got a text from my friend halfway through saying that i should come because what she was saying was obscene. so clearly still bad vibes. there's so much i don't understand about this situation, but does she not think i will speak to the people she speaks to, especially when its my parents and one of my best friends, and notice that its shite.

i went and she left immediately. still not spoken to her. don't want to. there's no point, everything she says is utter shit.

she keeps switching off the heating and the last 3 nights i've slept in this house i've woken up cos of the cold. she has double glazing, my room has single glazing with rotting frames and actual holes.

i've been listening to a lot of music about suicide. i'm not thinking about it properly but its comforting.

she's fucking singing and its awful, and one of her 'get rich quick' schemes is music. how deluded is that?
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So sorry you're going through this. She sounds like a total headcase. I would wager to guess that her problems with you also go much deeper into her own insecurities. She sounds completely uncompromising, inconsiderate and more than a little lazy. Moving in with people from the program is always difficult because there are so many fucked up people with problems that go well beyond substance abuse and most people are either unaware or unable to take an honest look their behavior outside of obvious addiction patterns. You will find a lot of people that talk the talk but once you "really" get to know them you find out that they are full of shit. It was actually one of the reasons I have stayed away from the rooms this go at being sober because I just started to get disgusted with the hypocrisy and all the unhealthy and poor behavior. I was hurt often and it usually came from those I least expected. I hope you start to feel better because you sound like you have been somewhat fantasizing about relapse.... or at least escape of some kind.

I really should go to meetings or do something different because I had a few days relapse a week and a half ago. It was horrible and I didn't even enjoy it. I had erased all my dealers numbers but then a dealer called me to tell me his new number and a weak day got me. I doubt attending meetings would have stopped me anyways. When I decided to get high it never did in the past. I have relapsed countless times and I honestly cant really see a lot of correlation with attending or not attending meetings. If anything it does help me get out meet people and somewhat socialize but the meetings in this area can be sparse and horrible.

My life is just overall really bad right now and I am disgusted with myself for being 38 and in this position in life. It's all so disheartening and daunting. I have to start finding broader fulfillment. I'm really disappointed also because I met this really cool girl that I have been talking to and I can tell she is extremely into me but I always make up reasons in my head as to why I am bad for them and disqualify myself to save them....lol..... I need to stop doing this because it has been a long time and I truly deserve another chance at love and happiness.
 
you are totally right about this going deeper into her own insecurities, the impression my friend (who's had to listen to a lot of her shit about me) has is that she's jealous. i had to tell her my salary because some of the benefits she applied for wanted to know about household income. i earn a decent wage for doing a really really difficult job that takes up a huge amount of my time and energy, so i honestly believe i deserve that money, and that someone who sits around all day when they are capable of working doesn't deserve to be as well off as someone who actually does work, and i shouldn't be expected to subsidise her lifestyle. apparently she thinks differently. she's jealous that i have the means to go out, buy things i like, etc, but she is capable of having that herself. essentially i think i'm an unflattering mirror to her, which sounds dead up myself but hey ho.

mentally i turned a corner last night, i stopped letting her be responsible for my happiness and took responsibility myself.

this morning she texted and said she will move out, no sign of it yet but i hope she does soon.

i totally get what you mean about seeing what people do and comparing what they say in meetings. it has put me off as well, i'll keep going but take what people say with more than a pinch of salt.

as long as nothing goes terribly wrong i don't think i'll relapse or top myself. i brought a secret stash of downers i'd had at my parents back with me. if i manage to get to her moving out without using them i might chuck them.

sorry about your relapse somni- dealers are sly cunts, all they care about is business. i only ever got free shit when i was trying to cut down or quit.

honestly i know how you feel about how disheartening and daunting everything seems. it put me off coming into recovery. i felt like my life was unfixable. but it is. do be careful around relationships now- a good friend relapsed over one. take care of yourself and take things slow. you do deserve another chance at love and happiness.
 
chinup said:
you are totally right about this going deeper into her own insecurities, the impression my friend (who's had to listen to a lot of her shit about me) has is that she's jealous. i had to tell her my salary because some of the benefits she applied for wanted to know about household income. i earn a decent wage for doing a really really difficult job that takes up a huge amount of my time and energy, so i honestly believe i deserve that money, and that someone who sits around all day when they are capable of working doesn't deserve to be as well off as someone who actually does work, and i shouldn't be expected to subsidise her lifestyle. apparently she thinks differently. she's jealous that i have the means to go out, buy things i like, etc, but she is capable of having that herself. essentially i think i'm an unflattering mirror to her, which sounds dead up myself but hey ho.

mentally i turned a corner last night, i stopped letting her be responsible for my happiness and took responsibility myself.

this morning she texted and said she will move out, no sign of it yet but i hope she does soon.

i totally get what you mean about seeing what people do and comparing what they say in meetings. it has put me off as well, i'll keep going but take what people say with more than a pinch of salt.

as long as nothing goes terribly wrong i don't think i'll relapse or top myself. i brought a secret stash of downers i'd had at my parents back with me. if i manage to get to her moving out without using them i might chuck them.

sorry about your relapse somni- dealers are sly cunts, all they care about is business. i only ever got free shit when i was trying to cut down or quit.

honestly i know how you feel about how disheartening and daunting everything seems. it put me off coming into recovery. i felt like my life was unfixable. but it is. do be careful around relationships now- a good friend relapsed over one. take care of yourself and take things slow. you do deserve another chance at love and happiness.
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Good for you Chinup on not letting the situation control your happiness. I knew her actions were a reflection of her jealousy. She didn't want to have to look at her own life in comparison to you and take responsibility for her own life.

I am unfortunately in a very sad, lonely place. I am usually strong and an eternal optimist but I have felt so dead inside lately. I totally had the mindset of heroin or death tonight. I really just wanted to overdose but I couldn't even cop because I'm living out in the middle of nowhere. Instead I drank and took several grams of gabapentin. It helped ease my mind and I know I'll sleep tonight but my problems awaken with tomorrow's sun and hiding only brings me closer to being a day late and a dollar short. It's imperative that I reach out. I must forego my hangups and attend a meeting.

At least I didn't do any heroin/fent...

I tell you all the time but I really admire you. I really miss Aihfl and Stargazer. You are definitely my light in sober living right now. I wish I had met up with Aihfl before he died. He literally lived 30mins from me. You're doing awesome Chin up!! You're my hero.
 
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somnilicious said:
I am unfortunately in a very sad, lonely place. I am usually strong and an eternal optimist but I have felt so dead inside lately. I totally had the mindset of heroin or death tonight.
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You're worth it man. You'll be happy again and you are a chill dude. Just believe in yourself and everything will happen in time.

I get suicidal on an every day basis (this year has been the worst - possible - year - of - my - entire - life) but I am still here so you can always message me. It'll never upset/disturb me. I've seen/heard it all and then some.

The last thing that SERIOUSLY disturbed me and is the thing that nightmares are made from = reading the Ed Buck story whilst high on methamphetamine that shit was like.... I could feel the palpable evil just from reading the words

I can't find the news story either but it was VERY graphic HIGHLY in detail and VERY frightening especially given the meth-related horror content.

Like sometimes I feel bad sober but I can at least work UP from there. It's a lot easier to get high than to have to withdraw so be grateful you didn't use and have a chance to go up not down if you "need to". <3 <3

And honestly, trust me, after reading that story (DON'T READ IT SERIOUSLY WHATEVER YOU DO, it's like worse than almost any horror film) it made me realize how thankful I am to be alive and safe in a very modest way. Like seriously. You're a wise guy, full of life experiences I'm sure others would REALLY love to have and deserve tons of friends/happiness in the days ahead.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
You're worth it man. You'll be happy again and you are a chill dude. Just believe in yourself and everything will happen in time.

I get suicidal on an every day basis (this year has been the worst - possible - year - of - my - entire - life) but I am still here so you can always message me. It'll never upset/disturb me. I've seen/heard it all and then some.

The last thing that SERIOUSLY disturbed me and is the thing that nightmares are made from = reading the Ed Buck story whilst high on methamphetamine that shit was like.... I could feel the palpable evil just from reading the words

I can't find the news story either but it was VERY graphic HIGHLY in detail and VERY frightening especially given the meth-related horror content.

Like sometimes I feel bad sober but I can at least work UP from there. It's a lot easier to get high than to have to withdraw so be grateful you didn't use and have a chance to go up not down if you "need to". <3 <3

And honestly, trust me, after reading that story (DON'T READ IT SERIOUSLY WHATEVER YOU DO, it's like worse than almost any horror film) it made me realize how thankful I am to be alive and safe in a very modest way. Like seriously. You're a wise guy, full of life experiences I'm sure others would REALLY love to have and deserve tons of friends/happiness in the days ahead.
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Damn Captain... That is seriously the nicest thing anybody has ever said to me.

I feel like a total waistoid. Everytime I get sober everyone always loves me but I have a difficult time in romance and my past always tells me I'm unlovable and then I start to feel an existential loneliness, that drives my self destruction. I beat myself up because I let other people control my happiness. I really need to find inner confidence.

My recent rejections for employment, due to my recent arrests and my imminent probation violation have been driving me crazy. I feel worthless and like a sociotal reject.
If I could just get myself motivated and find a job I would feel so much better but I have already passed the deadline for my DUI classes because of lack of money and the whole application and interview process is daunting, especially when you are rejected in the end. It's so ridiculous. I had 3 interviews for a dish washing job and I didn't get it. I literally wasted 3 weeks interviewing for 3 jobs and then if I even got the job it would take another 2 weeks to get payed and it might end up being half a pay check due to their pay period. All for $9-$11 dollars an hour in a dead end job...lol... Like what the fuck!!

My lack of transportation is killing me. I almost want to go live in a homeless shelter in the city to get closer to employment opportunities but you have to have money everyday to do that and I really don't want to have to hustle and probably degrade myself everyday to come up with that.

I know things will get better but right now it sucks. Oh well, it's the bed I made and I have to lay in it. It's what addiction and drugs have done to me. Drugs are definitely not the solution to my problems that have manifested due to drugs in the first place. It's a never ending spiral and the bottom keeps dropping.

I have to do something different. Thanks for being here and listening to my whining dribble. You're the best Captain.

I drank myself into Oblivion, blacked out and left the oven on and food out. What the fuck...lol... Alcohol sucks. I don't want to go down that road. It's a cheap and easily accessible escape but it's straight toxic poison, especially because I have Hep C. I am literally killing myself.

I gotta go put up a fence for my sister today. I'm happy I get to get out and active, while being useful. It always makes me feel better.

It's a new day and a new chance to do something different☀️??

Btw... Now I have to go read this Ed Buck story. You have peaked my curiosity and the fact you told me not to do it means I have to now...lol... Check out the Texas candy man killer. He got kids to participate in the killings... Shivers... There is some sick people out there.

Thanks for helping and things will get better for you as well. Time heals all wounds.
 
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hey guys how you all doing?

somni that does sound depressing about looking for employment- 3 interviews for a pot wash job is fucking nuts!! don't move into a shelter in the city, you'll be surrounded by drugs and not in an environment you can work in. recent arrests really doesn't help stuff. do you have to declare them? i'm not suggesting lie, more if they don't ask, don't tell them. the probation violation thing sucks- fucking hell you have to pay to do a thing they force you to do? that's ludicrous!!!

can you get any advice about your situation? in the UK we have a thing called the citizens advice bureau that is free and can help you with stuff like this, and also our drugs services hook people up with employment opportunities, so if yours does the same, can you get in touch with them?

don't give up. it gets better.

i've had an OK week. i was on a bit of a high cos my housemate said, unprompted, that she'd move out. so far she's done nothing except try to transfer the bills into my account. i'm not stupid enough to fall for that. i think she's trying to make the gas bill as high as possible. originally she kept turning the heating off, then she stopped doing that and last night left the back door open all night, so the thermostat wouldn't get to temperature. i'm recording everything she does and if she tries to scam me she'll go to court for it.

in a way though, i'm glad, i've been shown how strong i am, how resourceful i can be, and hopefully soon enough she'll be out and not my problem anymore. i'm still exhausted though, i expended so much energy on this before my brain shifted to true acceptance.
 
Hey guys sorry I haven't been around much. I'm working full time I have my own apartment. Ive been smoking wax like it's going out of style. The death of stargazer kind of shook me up. Everytime I started to mod I got a bad feeling and stopped.

But yeah I'm fucked up and just wanted to apologize. I'll be around more I love you guys
 
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