sentences more complete [critique]

[wesmdow]

i saw "sentences more complete" scribbled on a blackboard today and it inspired me to write this:

squirming, struggling...chewing air..

wont conjugate; cant understood my speak.

inside was crystaline...but obscured out there....

the prelect of yates, his oral physique...

strangulates words i would casually wear.

tongues of silver... suckle that leak..

the glossy trickle oh so rare

how they do it: hidden technique.

the likes of i, should sure not care,

but kissing metal proves me weak...

my ideations fizzle... dont compare.

as sentences more complete... less bleak.

to tackle words, i might just dare...

im not sure how well it worked out... decent i guess.

 

[wastedwalrus]

Very impressive. What I always enjoy about your poetry Pierre are the abstract, almost otherworldly dictions and themes. One time, a woman asked William Blake where he "imagined such images" and Blake, being the visionary he is, pointed to his head and remained silent. You're a visionary through your poetry. The only thing orthodox about it is the structure which is always fascinating and fitting to the content. For this particular poem, I gather that you are talking about the challenge of creating poetry. You really illustrate this theme with the allusion to Yates and use assonance and alliteration. I think it's truly beautiful, difficult to capture at first, but incredible. My only critique is that some of the lines don't make sense ("cant understood my speak"). But good work man.

Jason

 

[colicolo]

there are some great lines in your work, perhaps you could use the key lines as passage to a verse that explains them.

words i would casually wear.

fascianted me