What do you when you don’t trust life or anything and anyone else?
I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried medication. I’ve tried healthy diet and exercise. I’ve tried moving to a new city, starting a new life, exploring new interests.
Almost four years ago I abused magic mushrooms and (i think) gave myself a very very mild version of schizophrenia.
Everything changed at that point. I was no longer my former self. I ended up doing really well for a few years due to me not knowing there was anything wrong with me. I remember asking the mushrooms when I was high- I want to feel like this all the time. Please give it to me. And so it was.
I succeeded and excelled for two and a half years of pure sobriety- I used to be a daily smoker, occasional pill popper, etc.
I realized that it all effected me differently. I couldn’t go back to my old ways- I tried using weed and ecstasy when I went back to school after the entire life changing event happened and went to the hospital for drug Induced psychosis.
Anyway my life was good for a few years after , but then I wanted more. I wanted to do everything more. And be the person of my dreams that didn’t feel like the ways of a monk- refrain from material and sensational pleasure.
I want to be like normal people. I want to go back to my old self. My relationships are crumbling, I’m failing at my job, I’m unhappy as hell. I don’t want to turn to medication as I don’t believe in crutches- I want to be at a happy, normal baseline always without assistance or need of anything else.
All the things I want right now require me to be my old self. I don’t want to be so emotional, so dumb, so yogi/monk like, I just want to be regular. I want to be a vp of sales or start my own business and have the hottest girl, I just haven’t been able to come close to that. And I want to do it without medication or strict lifestyle changes.
Any thoughts?