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Sempiternal

Mary Poppins

Mary Poppins

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 20, 2004
Messages
6,529
Location
Brisbane
And down I plummet
Not pushed, but merely nudged
From the precipice that tumbling off
I know won’t kill me, just maim
Then scar my battered limbs
Rocks rip down the insides of my arms
Scratches branding me as your used
(Not that you professed to do anything but)
Deluded, I told myself you cared
Whilst I wore my insides on the outside
Letting you sight my organs in your crosshairs
Your dancing fingers got stuck in pies
My words became run of the mill
Second-rate imitations of a bond once shared
Drawing jarring monotony from your lips
This fall never ends, running too close a course
Impossible to discern beginning from end
Slowly your voice ebbs back into my descent
Beckoning its false hopes to me
It says it’s trying to save me, whispers “my hand slipped”
And “I never meant to hurt you”
Even though I’m aware the words are calculated to make me
Wake me, rouse me from being apart from you
It works and once again
Nothing can tear my thoughts from you
Though your arms seek another’s
With no further ado
The hand moves to twelve
And down I plummet
 
Wow, very full of meaning. This is a fantastic piece of work, thanks for sharing it.
 
It's hard to watch the attention you believe you deserve directed towards someone else, especially attention that was once yours.

This piece has a gentle sadness and yes, the nights are always the worst.

Beautiful work, MP.
 
Damn fine work to say the very least, I've said it before and I'll say it again, you keep getting better & better. This is definitely one of those poems that grabs you by the throat at the first word and doesn't let go till the end. :)

-plaz out-
 
thanks everyone for your lovely input :)

trying to get back into writing regularly, it's great to be able to get some feedback on it, and i'm usually too shy to show my stuff to my real life friends so it's really a great help.
 
it's very easy to get confused and think your words are run of the mill, but the odds are that someone else will find them rather interesting (or at the least entertaining)

one can only hope you fall clockwise with the hands :)
 
Your words always have a lot of subtle rhythm and good timing, in synch with an erratic heartbeat and the strum of human emotion. Good piece.
 
Mean Girl said:
it's very easy to get confused and think your words are run of the mill, but the odds are that someone else will find them rather interesting (or at the least entertaining)
Click to expand...

Absolutely.

The second time I read your poem, Mary Poppins, I picked up subtleties that I missed the first time. It's powerful but restrained; I like it.

I really like the flow of these two lines:

Even though I’m aware the words are calculated to make me
Wake me, rouse me from being apart from you

After the "make me", enjambment is expected, but instead the flow of the line is cunningly interrupted by a rhyme: "Wake me" follows "make me". After reading the first line I'm left wondering what it is that the words are calculated to achieve, and expect the line to flow on to the next, and reveal exactly what they are calculated to achieve. And in reading the second line, I find out, but in a way that disrupts the syntax, and gives an unexpected twist.

I'm not sure if my explanation makes sense, but then it's a very subtle maneouvre which isn't easily described without getting too technical.

Also loved these lines:

Letting you sight my organs in your crosshairs
Your dancing fingers got stuck in pies

Again, subtle - but cutting right to the bone.
 
Mean Girl said:
it's very easy to get confused and think your words are run of the mill, but the odds are that someone else will find them rather interesting (or at the least entertaining)
Click to expand...

Absolutely.

The second time I read your poem, Mary Poppins, I picked up subtleties that I missed the first time. It's powerful but restrained; I like it.

I really like the flow of these two lines:

Even though I’m aware the words are calculated to make me
Wake me, rouse me from being apart from you

After the "make me", enjambment is expected, but instead the flow between the lines is cunningly interrupted by a rhyme: "Wake me" follows "make me". After reading the first line I'm left wondering what it is that the words are calculated to achieve, and expect the line to flow on to the next, and reveal exactly what they are calculated to achieve. And in reading the second line, I find out, but in a way that disrupts the syntax, and gives an unexpected twist.

I'm not sure if my explanation makes sense, but then it's a very subtle maneouvre which isn't easily described without getting too technical.

Also loved these lines:

Letting you sight my organs in your crosshairs
Your dancing fingers got stuck in pies

Again, subtle - but cutting right to the bone.
 
^your name has significance then :D

this kind of has a hint of my own writing style. undoubtedly powerful imagery. i loved it.
 
<3

Mary Poppins said:
Whilst I wore my insides on the outside
Letting you sight my organs in your crosshairs
Your dancing fingers got stuck in pies
Click to expand...
^You have such a measured way of writing that absolutely screams of what's boiling inside of your heart soul and mind.

Absolutely enchanting. <3.
 
CHiLD-0F-THE-BEAT said:
^You have such a measured way of writing that absolutely screams of what's boiling inside of your heart soul and mind.

Absolutely enchanting. <3.
Click to expand...

She's taken the words from my mouth and expressed them in a way I couldn't.

I agree wholeheartedly.

(L)
 
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