Mental Health Self-Medication Advice (anxiety, paranoia, depression and caring)

Melop

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 21, 2013
Messages
5
Hi Bluelight members, I've been coming here for real first hand information and advice on substances for a while, but I'm in a position now where I need to register an account and ask and get answered a few questions directly. Sorry for long post, but I want to be as detailed as I can be so I can get genuinely legitimate advice.

I require advice on self-medication, dealing with anxiety/paranoia, depression and giving a damn.

Overview:
I've been coping with depression on and off for over 5 years (pretty sure major depression - however I can be OK for a while if I'm distracted effectively or no triggering events, and can have moments of getting carried away with things - like getting stuck into a project before returning to 'whats the point' mentality and abandoning it). I have no close confidants or friends as the few I had, have betrayed me by turning into fakes and lier's (with people who you know for years you get to recognize when they lie, I have several known tells on these people and so I know when they're lying). I know it's no fun to be around depressed people, and I don't want to draw attention to myself so I try to hide my true feelings from people (e.g at work). However its tiring to keep up 24/7 (and at work I'm not being paid enough / have enough invested in it, to make it worth my while to be fully undetectable) and so the more perceptive / persistent people start to see through my guise. This causes me distress as when people try to find out information about me it feels violating. The worst type of these perceptive/persistent people is when they take it upon themselves to try to 'help' me. They either do this by trying to make me think that my distrust/paranoia is all in my head by CREATING scenario's and then inferring that nothing is going on, which I find disgraceful (if you are 'friends' and you know someone close to you has these feelings, surely it is common sense to not play on these feelings but to rather be truthful around such topics), I can't open up and 'share' as I can't trust them (how can I trust people when they do the things they do?). Or they alternatively (the second type of people) try to create or force difficult situations upon me in order to try to make me 'open up', again how can I 'open up' when they do the things they do?

Due to personal circumstances my life for the past 6 months has been all over the place, and during this time I've come to the conclusion that: I don't know whether I've just lived a bit of a sheltered life, or whether its the circumstances I've been forced into, but people are trying to deceive me constantly, and for the majority their ability to lie is just cringe worthy. When I've confronted people about these things (when my tolerance has peaked) they end up changing tactics slightly (however I can still see through them).

I want to state explicitly that these are real things, and not a result of paranoia. As there is not only my (seemingly vastly superior) understanding and detection of deception, but also physical evidence to back these conclusions up with. So unless I am under a gross misapprehension (read: hallucinating) then the things I am describing are real.

I've been called to have a 'quiet word' (psych evaluation) with managers before, where they ended up glancing up at each other in worry, when I described that it's not just what people are saying (language used), but also the paralanguage used (in the fake scenario's they have created/taken part in) - they interpreted my response as finding hidden meanings where there are none. In this and other situations I've been forced to reveal information about myself (by implying half subtly my true feelings, e.g: depressed / everything isnt OK) in order to avoid coming across as either schizophrenic or sociopathic in describing my behavior (aggressive outbursts (verbal) / mood swings - going from depressed to seemingly jovial in the presence of certain people (faked happiness), and from jovial (faked happiness / neutral) to depressed to certain events), which makes me feel worse / violated.

The third type of people who try to 'help' that I've come across are usually half clued up on things (wannabe psychologist / people who've picked up a bit of psychology), but get the wrong end of the stick and their arrogance / narrow mindedness commits them to a certain path e.g. trying to increase my confidence by being fake, e.g. fake laughing at not very funny jokes (I have a good sense of humor, I know what is funny and I don't need idiots pretending that I'm funnier than I'm being), or by trying to show me what they think are positive things about myself which I don't see due to my negative self image. I just want to be treated 'normally', without feeling that people are being insincere or pitying me.

I just want to feel 'normal', I can't go to doctors or through normal channels due to paranoia of big brother watching me and not wanting the stigma / acknowledgement of having on my record some sort of mental problems - I feel like I'd rather die than let people know I need help (which I find kinda funny in a psychotic/helpless sort of way).

Drug history:
The usual part time alcoholism (during lack of access to other drugs or lack of funds), previously been daily weed smoker (paranoia not linked with this, from historical retrospective, and recent 6+ month abstinence). I've tried some bezo's on alcohol which ended up quite bad - I start out thinking I'll have 1 now then another later and then that's it, then i end up taking a load and waking up thinking WTF happened last night? I don't really trust myself too much with them - as when I've had them sober (1 pill, once.) and I didn't notice any difference, and as I've heard from others, thats how it starts: you take 1 then before you know it, your popping 10 a day. However I'm quite sure I can convince my housemate(s) to be my personal daily pharmacy for med dosages, so I can still consider these. I've had several experiences with 'uppers' MDMA, its analogues and similar compounds. Some experimentation with OTC opiates, and a few low level hallucinogenic experiences (tripped on ketamine, and had threshold doses of DMT (Ayahuasca) and 2ci) - while obviously being in a positive mood (responsible to set and setting).

I'm sure that some of you here will be able to give appropriate advice based on your own experiences and thorough research, instead of me researching several different medications from a naive perspective.

Other information:
I've recently lost my job / quit - because I can't deal with the bullsh*t at work (in part described in my overview section) - Couldn't figure out anymore if they were trying to 'help' still, or just trying to fuck with me, I wouldn't blame them. If I tried to help someone and they weren't responding to me I'd probably get frustrated and give up on them. I've been applying to a few jobs online, but not seriously looking because I don't think I can keep up with the 'everything's ok' image. Running out of money (have money for the next 2 months rent - as long as I don't over eat / spend) but need to determine my life before the second month otherwise no money to live.

I've also recently started to self harm (SH) again after a several year break (not cutting yet but pretty sure it will be inevitable, I'm limiting / satisfied with just pushing needles through my skin at the moment, also fighting anorexic urges) to try to cope. I've always tried to limit my SH so my arms aren't totally messed, and I try to do damage limitation - one release / session a day (when possible). I wouldn't say I've been addicted to SH as some people describe, but I have definitely felt the strong urge to hurt, just to hurt (but I've fought it several times, sometimes unsuccessfully).

Recently been thinking about just buying some sleeping pills and taking an ld50 dosage and just see what happens, so that the decision is out of my hands and just down to how my body reacts. I'm starting to feel like I care less and less about things that were once important to me. Suicide has always been seen as an inevitability in my life, my time line of how long before I should be dead is in its final year or so.

I'd appreciate any sort of advice on meds, I can't see a psychologist because 1, Big brother, 2, money, 3, trust issues and 4, self hatred / not wanting to get better.

tl;dr What drugs should I take to decrease anxiety and depression so that I just don't give a sh*t anymore?
 
Hi Melop, welcome to Bluelight / TDS.

Unfortunately we're not going to be able to answer your question. We don't do 'what should I take' threads generally on Bluelight, still less so when it comes to self-medicating for mental health issues. I'm gonna leave the thread open for now for discussion around the general paranoia / anxiety / self-harm issues you've brought up but any suggestions on which illicit drugs you might use to alleviate those issues you've identified are most likely gonna be modded out, it's just not something anyone should be advising on, it could be positively harmful to you for us to do that.

I understand your reluctance to have something on your medical record that might impact on future employment, insurance, whatever, it's unbelieveable that there is still such stigma attached to mental health issues in this day and age, most of us will suffer at least a depressive episode at some point in our lives, it should barely be an issue but you have to get passed that I think and seek proper medical advice. These are serious issues you're dealing with and you need proper help with them but hey, you know that already, I'm not trying to teach granny how to suck eggs here, OK? ;)

What's your drug use like at the moment. You've named a number of substances that could be contributory to the symptoms you're suffering from if used regularly, it might be helpful if you could expand a little on that?
 
Hi Sepher, for the past 2 months I've been smoking about 1/2g of weed a day, which is a lot for me considering I've only starting smoking again in the past 4ish months from a 12-18 month abstinence (barring the 1 or 2 shared spliffs here and there). I haven't smoked for about a week now, due to it being an unsustainable habit (lost job / have rent to consider), so I've started drinking again (picked up alcohol where the weed left off), I'm back to being a light weight currently but I know that I can fall into a cycle of drinking till passing out, waking up, throwing up, eating, starting to drink again :repeat:

My anxiety of social interaction (going outside amongst people) is increasing and keeps me in the house when I wasn't at work or needing to buy food / drugs. My negative self image and understanding of inevitable suicide has no doubt also contributed to problems I've been having in and outside of work and social interactions in general (couldn't bring myself to start a romantic interest - even though I'd been quite flirty and there was reciprocation (an example of me getting carried away and then returning to 'whats the point mentality'), pushing those away that you care about to protect them i guess. Or cutting off ones nose to spite ones face).

I guess not smoking has been a positive thing, as since I've ran out I've been a bit more able to go out, rather than resorting to just thinking 'might as well spark up instead of doing x', but I'm starting to drink from mid-day on-wards. I still feel quite indecisive about things but I think that's more to do with other contributing factors rather than any psychoactive use.
 
DO NOT SELF MEDICATE. Go to a doctor and talk to him/her. Unless you want to get addicted to them DO NOT take any benzos. Seeing a counselor and/or therapist may help too.
 
While there is definitely stigma around a lot of diagnoses, depression and anxiety are so common that I would not worry about that affecting your life too much. Much more problematic and stigmatizing would be letting these factors prevent you from working or taking care of yourself. As Sepher said, we don't allow "What drugs should i take?" threads or advice about that because it goes against the principles of harm reduction. I hope that you will see a doctor to get some advice on things that you can try, both drug and non-drug. It sounds like a lot of what you are going through is building inside you and that can't feel good. If suicide is a comforting thought, that is always a sure sign that the emotional pain has reached a tipping point.

There are lots of promising therapies out there for anxiety and depression. If you are not comfortable going to a doctor or therapist, it is possible to research these online as well. Drugs are, or should be, last resort measures because they can create as many problems as they temporarily alleviate. Have you ever googled 'anxiety' and just started to explore what is out there? I know for myself (pretty crippling anxiety for most of my early life) CBT and Mindfulness have helped the most. They aren't cures but they are both strategies that work more and more the more I use them. It takes faith and effort but it is definitely worth it in the long run because it comes from within--nothing to buy or get addicted and no bad side effects.:)
 
There are lots of promising therapies out there for anxiety and depression.

My personal opinion (no offense meant) from researching into these topics, is that it seems you just need to buy into some sort of bullsh't / delude yourself before you can get 'better' (which would explain how different people gain effective 'treatment' from different paradigms / approaches), or as you say "it takes faith".

I would normally be the first to advocate cognitive therapies (dealing with and/or resolving the real problems) over drug pushing (masking the problems), however my personal beliefs (e.g wanting to hide myself from the world) forbid these options to me. Leaving me with simply needing some sort of substance to take away my negative feelings of my problems.

I guess a contributing factor to my problems, is that I have no hope / direction, I feel like I've failed at life already (I'm in my early 20's) and nothing will get better / be worth living for (I'd say that in the past 5+ years of feeling like this, nothing in my life has been worth living for, which just reinforces this idea / belief that I'm just postponing the inevitable - suicide).
 
My personal opinion (no offense meant) from researching into these topics, is that it seems you just need to buy into some sort of bullsh't / delude yourself before you can get 'better' (which would explain how different people gain effective 'treatment' from different paradigms / approaches), or as you say "it takes faith".

Seems to me that the way you're thinking right now is the real bullshit. I used to have many of the same problems that you are going through albeit probably not as bad because all my symptoms were a direct result of my drug use. Sometimes you just have to man up and realize that the way you are thinking isn't right for you. Im not saying that you're delusional. Im just trying to say that when you're depressed its easy to get caught in the trap of cynicism and thinking that the way you are thinking is closer to objective reality and those happy go lucky fucks without a care in the world are the ones that have it all wrong. Sometimes we have to start caring for ourselves and seeking new ways to look at the world in order to get what we want out of it. Taking a look at spirituality got me out of the dark, Im still a long way from being homefree, but at least I know what was wrong with my past ways of thinking and can correct myself when things get out of hand.

Anyways, give different ways of thinking a shot. Youve got nothing to lose really.
 
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Seems to me that the way you're thinking right now is the real bullshit... Im just trying to say that when you're depressed its easy to get caught in the trap of cynicism and thinking that the way you are thinking is closer to objective reality and those happy go lucky fucks without a care in the world are the ones that have it all wrong.

I can strongly relate to the mentality you describe, and I understand the point your making, but at the same time, I still feel that when I'm depressed I have a better/more objective understanding of events / life in general.

Been slightly researching bi-polar / dysthymia / Cyclothymia, can't really tell if I can associate with their diagnosis, but I definitely have major mood swings, and have strong feelings of going from strong depression to switching to 'f*ck them all' mentality and thinking they can't put me down/i can rise above their BS, and then swinging back to hopelessness / normal uni-polar depression.

As a side note I've tried to put off SH today, (tried to care for myself, by forcing myself to eat - while nursing a hang over (managed to eat high calorie foods - fried sausages :O), tried relaxing bath and incense / candles... - drank 3/4ths bottle of JD last few nights - I'm a light weight at the moment - start feeling the effects after a couple double shots. Finished the bottle today and started on bottle of vodka. Last time I remember I was drunk without any other influencing psychoactive must of been over 3/4 months ago - not counting last night). I've been scratching today a bit, to relieve tension, but not been too deep...
 
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