Hi Bluelight members, I've been coming here for real first hand information and advice on substances for a while, but I'm in a position now where I need to register an account and ask and get answered a few questions directly. Sorry for long post, but I want to be as detailed as I can be so I can get genuinely legitimate advice.
I require advice on self-medication, dealing with anxiety/paranoia, depression and giving a damn.
Overview:
I've been coping with depression on and off for over 5 years (pretty sure major depression - however I can be OK for a while if I'm distracted effectively or no triggering events, and can have moments of getting carried away with things - like getting stuck into a project before returning to 'whats the point' mentality and abandoning it). I have no close confidants or friends as the few I had, have betrayed me by turning into fakes and lier's (with people who you know for years you get to recognize when they lie, I have several known tells on these people and so I know when they're lying). I know it's no fun to be around depressed people, and I don't want to draw attention to myself so I try to hide my true feelings from people (e.g at work). However its tiring to keep up 24/7 (and at work I'm not being paid enough / have enough invested in it, to make it worth my while to be fully undetectable) and so the more perceptive / persistent people start to see through my guise. This causes me distress as when people try to find out information about me it feels violating. The worst type of these perceptive/persistent people is when they take it upon themselves to try to 'help' me. They either do this by trying to make me think that my distrust/paranoia is all in my head by CREATING scenario's and then inferring that nothing is going on, which I find disgraceful (if you are 'friends' and you know someone close to you has these feelings, surely it is common sense to not play on these feelings but to rather be truthful around such topics), I can't open up and 'share' as I can't trust them (how can I trust people when they do the things they do?). Or they alternatively (the second type of people) try to create or force difficult situations upon me in order to try to make me 'open up', again how can I 'open up' when they do the things they do?
Due to personal circumstances my life for the past 6 months has been all over the place, and during this time I've come to the conclusion that: I don't know whether I've just lived a bit of a sheltered life, or whether its the circumstances I've been forced into, but people are trying to deceive me constantly, and for the majority their ability to lie is just cringe worthy. When I've confronted people about these things (when my tolerance has peaked) they end up changing tactics slightly (however I can still see through them).
I want to state explicitly that these are real things, and not a result of paranoia. As there is not only my (seemingly vastly superior) understanding and detection of deception, but also physical evidence to back these conclusions up with. So unless I am under a gross misapprehension (read: hallucinating) then the things I am describing are real.
I've been called to have a 'quiet word' (psych evaluation) with managers before, where they ended up glancing up at each other in worry, when I described that it's not just what people are saying (language used), but also the paralanguage used (in the fake scenario's they have created/taken part in) - they interpreted my response as finding hidden meanings where there are none. In this and other situations I've been forced to reveal information about myself (by implying half subtly my true feelings, e.g: depressed / everything isnt OK) in order to avoid coming across as either schizophrenic or sociopathic in describing my behavior (aggressive outbursts (verbal) / mood swings - going from depressed to seemingly jovial in the presence of certain people (faked happiness), and from jovial (faked happiness / neutral) to depressed to certain events), which makes me feel worse / violated.
The third type of people who try to 'help' that I've come across are usually half clued up on things (wannabe psychologist / people who've picked up a bit of psychology), but get the wrong end of the stick and their arrogance / narrow mindedness commits them to a certain path e.g. trying to increase my confidence by being fake, e.g. fake laughing at not very funny jokes (I have a good sense of humor, I know what is funny and I don't need idiots pretending that I'm funnier than I'm being), or by trying to show me what they think are positive things about myself which I don't see due to my negative self image. I just want to be treated 'normally', without feeling that people are being insincere or pitying me.
I just want to feel 'normal', I can't go to doctors or through normal channels due to paranoia of big brother watching me and not wanting the stigma / acknowledgement of having on my record some sort of mental problems - I feel like I'd rather die than let people know I need help (which I find kinda funny in a psychotic/helpless sort of way).
Drug history:
The usual part time alcoholism (during lack of access to other drugs or lack of funds), previously been daily weed smoker (paranoia not linked with this, from historical retrospective, and recent 6+ month abstinence). I've tried some bezo's on alcohol which ended up quite bad - I start out thinking I'll have 1 now then another later and then that's it, then i end up taking a load and waking up thinking WTF happened last night? I don't really trust myself too much with them - as when I've had them sober (1 pill, once.) and I didn't notice any difference, and as I've heard from others, thats how it starts: you take 1 then before you know it, your popping 10 a day. However I'm quite sure I can convince my housemate(s) to be my personal daily pharmacy for med dosages, so I can still consider these. I've had several experiences with 'uppers' MDMA, its analogues and similar compounds. Some experimentation with OTC opiates, and a few low level hallucinogenic experiences (tripped on ketamine, and had threshold doses of DMT (Ayahuasca) and 2ci) - while obviously being in a positive mood (responsible to set and setting).
I'm sure that some of you here will be able to give appropriate advice based on your own experiences and thorough research, instead of me researching several different medications from a naive perspective.
Other information:
I've recently lost my job / quit - because I can't deal with the bullsh*t at work (in part described in my overview section) - Couldn't figure out anymore if they were trying to 'help' still, or just trying to fuck with me, I wouldn't blame them. If I tried to help someone and they weren't responding to me I'd probably get frustrated and give up on them. I've been applying to a few jobs online, but not seriously looking because I don't think I can keep up with the 'everything's ok' image. Running out of money (have money for the next 2 months rent - as long as I don't over eat / spend) but need to determine my life before the second month otherwise no money to live.
I've also recently started to self harm (SH) again after a several year break (not cutting yet but pretty sure it will be inevitable, I'm limiting / satisfied with just pushing needles through my skin at the moment, also fighting anorexic urges) to try to cope. I've always tried to limit my SH so my arms aren't totally messed, and I try to do damage limitation - one release / session a day (when possible). I wouldn't say I've been addicted to SH as some people describe, but I have definitely felt the strong urge to hurt, just to hurt (but I've fought it several times, sometimes unsuccessfully).
Recently been thinking about just buying some sleeping pills and taking an ld50 dosage and just see what happens, so that the decision is out of my hands and just down to how my body reacts. I'm starting to feel like I care less and less about things that were once important to me. Suicide has always been seen as an inevitability in my life, my time line of how long before I should be dead is in its final year or so.
I'd appreciate any sort of advice on meds, I can't see a psychologist because 1, Big brother, 2, money, 3, trust issues and 4, self hatred / not wanting to get better.
tl;dr What drugs should I take to decrease anxiety and depression so that I just don't give a sh*t anymore?
I require advice on self-medication, dealing with anxiety/paranoia, depression and giving a damn.
Overview:
I've been coping with depression on and off for over 5 years (pretty sure major depression - however I can be OK for a while if I'm distracted effectively or no triggering events, and can have moments of getting carried away with things - like getting stuck into a project before returning to 'whats the point' mentality and abandoning it). I have no close confidants or friends as the few I had, have betrayed me by turning into fakes and lier's (with people who you know for years you get to recognize when they lie, I have several known tells on these people and so I know when they're lying). I know it's no fun to be around depressed people, and I don't want to draw attention to myself so I try to hide my true feelings from people (e.g at work). However its tiring to keep up 24/7 (and at work I'm not being paid enough / have enough invested in it, to make it worth my while to be fully undetectable) and so the more perceptive / persistent people start to see through my guise. This causes me distress as when people try to find out information about me it feels violating. The worst type of these perceptive/persistent people is when they take it upon themselves to try to 'help' me. They either do this by trying to make me think that my distrust/paranoia is all in my head by CREATING scenario's and then inferring that nothing is going on, which I find disgraceful (if you are 'friends' and you know someone close to you has these feelings, surely it is common sense to not play on these feelings but to rather be truthful around such topics), I can't open up and 'share' as I can't trust them (how can I trust people when they do the things they do?). Or they alternatively (the second type of people) try to create or force difficult situations upon me in order to try to make me 'open up', again how can I 'open up' when they do the things they do?
Due to personal circumstances my life for the past 6 months has been all over the place, and during this time I've come to the conclusion that: I don't know whether I've just lived a bit of a sheltered life, or whether its the circumstances I've been forced into, but people are trying to deceive me constantly, and for the majority their ability to lie is just cringe worthy. When I've confronted people about these things (when my tolerance has peaked) they end up changing tactics slightly (however I can still see through them).
I want to state explicitly that these are real things, and not a result of paranoia. As there is not only my (seemingly vastly superior) understanding and detection of deception, but also physical evidence to back these conclusions up with. So unless I am under a gross misapprehension (read: hallucinating) then the things I am describing are real.
I've been called to have a 'quiet word' (psych evaluation) with managers before, where they ended up glancing up at each other in worry, when I described that it's not just what people are saying (language used), but also the paralanguage used (in the fake scenario's they have created/taken part in) - they interpreted my response as finding hidden meanings where there are none. In this and other situations I've been forced to reveal information about myself (by implying half subtly my true feelings, e.g: depressed / everything isnt OK) in order to avoid coming across as either schizophrenic or sociopathic in describing my behavior (aggressive outbursts (verbal) / mood swings - going from depressed to seemingly jovial in the presence of certain people (faked happiness), and from jovial (faked happiness / neutral) to depressed to certain events), which makes me feel worse / violated.
The third type of people who try to 'help' that I've come across are usually half clued up on things (wannabe psychologist / people who've picked up a bit of psychology), but get the wrong end of the stick and their arrogance / narrow mindedness commits them to a certain path e.g. trying to increase my confidence by being fake, e.g. fake laughing at not very funny jokes (I have a good sense of humor, I know what is funny and I don't need idiots pretending that I'm funnier than I'm being), or by trying to show me what they think are positive things about myself which I don't see due to my negative self image. I just want to be treated 'normally', without feeling that people are being insincere or pitying me.
I just want to feel 'normal', I can't go to doctors or through normal channels due to paranoia of big brother watching me and not wanting the stigma / acknowledgement of having on my record some sort of mental problems - I feel like I'd rather die than let people know I need help (which I find kinda funny in a psychotic/helpless sort of way).
Drug history:
The usual part time alcoholism (during lack of access to other drugs or lack of funds), previously been daily weed smoker (paranoia not linked with this, from historical retrospective, and recent 6+ month abstinence). I've tried some bezo's on alcohol which ended up quite bad - I start out thinking I'll have 1 now then another later and then that's it, then i end up taking a load and waking up thinking WTF happened last night? I don't really trust myself too much with them - as when I've had them sober (1 pill, once.) and I didn't notice any difference, and as I've heard from others, thats how it starts: you take 1 then before you know it, your popping 10 a day. However I'm quite sure I can convince my housemate(s) to be my personal daily pharmacy for med dosages, so I can still consider these. I've had several experiences with 'uppers' MDMA, its analogues and similar compounds. Some experimentation with OTC opiates, and a few low level hallucinogenic experiences (tripped on ketamine, and had threshold doses of DMT (Ayahuasca) and 2ci) - while obviously being in a positive mood (responsible to set and setting).
I'm sure that some of you here will be able to give appropriate advice based on your own experiences and thorough research, instead of me researching several different medications from a naive perspective.
Other information:
I've recently lost my job / quit - because I can't deal with the bullsh*t at work (in part described in my overview section) - Couldn't figure out anymore if they were trying to 'help' still, or just trying to fuck with me, I wouldn't blame them. If I tried to help someone and they weren't responding to me I'd probably get frustrated and give up on them. I've been applying to a few jobs online, but not seriously looking because I don't think I can keep up with the 'everything's ok' image. Running out of money (have money for the next 2 months rent - as long as I don't over eat / spend) but need to determine my life before the second month otherwise no money to live.
I've also recently started to self harm (SH) again after a several year break (not cutting yet but pretty sure it will be inevitable, I'm limiting / satisfied with just pushing needles through my skin at the moment, also fighting anorexic urges) to try to cope. I've always tried to limit my SH so my arms aren't totally messed, and I try to do damage limitation - one release / session a day (when possible). I wouldn't say I've been addicted to SH as some people describe, but I have definitely felt the strong urge to hurt, just to hurt (but I've fought it several times, sometimes unsuccessfully).
Recently been thinking about just buying some sleeping pills and taking an ld50 dosage and just see what happens, so that the decision is out of my hands and just down to how my body reacts. I'm starting to feel like I care less and less about things that were once important to me. Suicide has always been seen as an inevitability in my life, my time line of how long before I should be dead is in its final year or so.
I'd appreciate any sort of advice on meds, I can't see a psychologist because 1, Big brother, 2, money, 3, trust issues and 4, self hatred / not wanting to get better.
tl;dr What drugs should I take to decrease anxiety and depression so that I just don't give a sh*t anymore?
