Self medicating

[mbair]

I've been taking a lot of xanax recently. It went from .5mg a day when when I was stressed out at work or when I wanted to relax while watching netflix or chill with friends. The xanax really helped me, when i was talking to people i felt less awkward and every time i took it, it just made me a lot happier and it felt like I could actually have great conversations and i was less shy. So i started taking it when i knew i was going to be in a social situation, like meeting new people and stuff because it made me a lot less awkward, but I never took any obscene amounts, always just .5mg and maybe another .5mg like several hours later or something.

A few days ago, my brother passed away, and i've always been very emotionally unstable but it's something that i've ignored but because of this, i started upping my xanax doses. now, i take .5mg (sometimes 1mg) every 2 hours and i worry when i feel like its going to wear off.
at around 11am I took .5mg and then i went with my family to the cemetery to pick a plot for my brother, and i don't remember the timing, but i know between 11am and 4pm i redosed with .5mg 2 or 3 times. I was sad about my brother (of course) but i feel like the thoughts were kind of pushed back into my head and whenever my mom or sister were crying, I didn't cry at all, like i didn't want to feel sad and i actually felt good (i feel really guilty for saying that).
so the whole day while i was out i was feeling good and being a great daughter, and then around the time we got back home, i became so irritable and annoyed, my whole family noticed my mood swing. i scared myself, even. i was worried that maybe the xanax was wearing off but it didn't make sense cause i took so much in such a short period of time, and not too long ago. then, i decided i should take more and i took either .5mg or 1mg (i can't remember) and then i was like falling asleep on my desk (i didn't sleep much the night before though, that might be a factor) and then i took an hour nap. when i woke up, i felt great/nice again and made dinner for my family (7pm) and since then i've been in a great mood still (11pm), hours after my last xanax dosage (actually feel like it's starting to wear off now but i can't tell)

i just don't know whats going on, i don't even know what xanax really does for me and i can't normally tell when it wears off or when it begins (except sometimes physically) when i'm on it, i feel amazing, like i'm a better me, i am nicer, i don't stress as much, i am more willing to talk to people and stuff. and usually i HATE flirting with guys or making small talk, but when i'm on xanax, not only do i like doing both of those things, i'm actually good at it.
i know i should definitely go see a psychiatrist (or therapist not sure), but i have some insurance issues right now, and because of my family situation, i don't really have all that much time.
i would just love to get some advice about my situation, maybe if someone knows why i became so irritable or if someone can tell me more about xanax and whether it seems like i actually need it and stuff! i'm in an emotionally tough spot right now so just any advice or thoughts would be amazing (no hate please!!)

 

[wezface]

The irritability and mood swings are likely due to your underlying mental illness/anxiety, along with some rebound anxiety from when the Xanax wears off. My biggest piece of advice to you to seek legitimate medical help for this anxiety, especially now (I'm sorry about your brother's death; that's tough for anyone to deal with, but especially for those of us with emotional issues). Even if they do put you on benzos for medical purposes like the ones you're self medicating for, you'll not only be monitored but you'll have someone with whom you can speak with about this and get real, good advice. So get yourself a psychiatrist or a psychiatric nurse and a counselor - someone to talk to and someone who can prescribe both. I think you would probably really benefit from some CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) as it really sounds like you need an outlet. Hang in there and remember that benzodiazepine tolerance skyrockets incredibly quickly and the withdrawal is severe and dangerous, so these are not drugs you want to play around with.

 

[switchtop]

This is really heartbreaking. You say you don't know what's going on, and so many people on this forum know exactly what you're going through (except the detailed specifics). I recently helped a friend get through a pretty heavy xanax habit, and just like you, it developed in the blink of an eye one day due to a tragedy, of a somewhat similar nature.

PM me if you want to talk about specifics, or just reply on here, whatever you prefer really.
I've been through so much drug-related shit myself, and I've rarely ever had a person help me or so much as lend an ear. So as of the past year or so, I never give up the opportunity to reach out to people. I don't want to sound like a faggot but it really makes me happy deep down inside to do such a small thing as lend an ear to someone in need. And this is because in all my times of need, that's all I wanted, and all of my pain could've been cut in half if someone just gave a fuck.
On another note, choose your psychiatrist or therapist wisely, if you choose to go this route. Chances are you'll go in there and instantly be pegged as a drug abuser/seeker, and the doctor will use all means available to make you take some antidepressant or antipsychotic that will just change you into a different person all together. Oh yeah, and they'll probably red-flag you as a drug seeker. It doesn't matter to doctors whether you're whole family just got raped and murdered by a serial killer, if you're doing drugs, then you're a liability in their eyes.

The medical profession is a fucking joke

 

[wezface]

^Unfortunately, there's a lot of truth to this. You really need to be careful about how much you tell whomever you see regarding your use/abuse until you get to know them better (or at all). I would just talk about your anxiety and not come out right away with the fact that you've been using Xanax for your anxiety. If they ask, you can say you've been prescribed it in the past and it's worked well for you, but I wouldn't offer up any suggestions or tell them you'd prefer any specific thing. And they might even try to put you on something else for your anxiety first, but it might just be something you have to bite the bullet and do-and who knows, something else might just work, so you may want to give that a try. This is where you really have to use your judgement and it will probably take a few tries at least before you find someone you like and trust. I didn't find a therapist I really liked until I was almost 30 and I've been going since I was about 11. It's an unfortunate thing, but there are good mental health professionals out there, and good doctors; it's just a lot of sorting through quite a few that aren't that way that is a frustrating pain in the ass, especially for someone who already deals with anxiety.