self-loathing/negative thought patterns

[YellowNikes]

hey
i was wondering if anyone has had any experience dealing with negative thought patterns and self hate. I am just not sure what to do, these aren't constant things but they are daily and (obviously) are quite depressing. I believe they stem from anxiety and more specifically social anxiety, plus i recently quite smoking weed (about 2 years daily) and opiates(was not physically addicted, have been before, but i have haphazardly tapered off. Not herion just common perscripts, hydro, oxy, hydromorphone and other not true opiates like tramadol and demerol for a little over year o yeah and poppy seed tea which actually works.)
any advice would be greatly appreciated as suicidal thoughts and self harm are becoming frequent.

 

[medical_meccanica]

I've had lots of experience with the feeling's you're talking about, buddy. I used to smoke every day for about two years and it got the point where I could tell that something was wrong even when I was high. I started to realise that my getting stoned all the time was an escape from the fact that I was just not really happy with my life, and so I decided to stop. Now, I believe that our feelings can't just disappear, if I was smoking to get rid of negative feelings, or feelings of boredom with my life, then I was really just pushing them down and ignoring them.

I didn't want drugs to become a coping tool for me, I wanted them to stay an occasional recreational one, and so I stopped. Once this happened, I think it was only a matter of time before all of those feelings of boredom and sadness regarding my life began to resurface. This is an extremely painful thing, but not a bad thing, in my opinion. Only once feelings have been faced can they really be let go of. I can't recommend the use of a psychotherapist enough for help with this.

Suicidal thoughts and self harm are not necessarily a 'cry for attention', but to me they hint that these feelings (as they are for 99.99% of people, including myself) would be much easier to deal with if someone was there for you who can handle them, even if they are just there to listen and care for you without trying to 'fix' you. You could go to a doctor and tell him you'd like to see a psychotherapist because of negative thoughts and they would help you find one, alternatively, you could find someone you feel close to and say to them "I'm in a difficult point in my life, I really need someone I can talk to who is not going to overreact and who can listen and care for me no matter what I say to them, can you do this for me?" In either of these cases you do not need to worry about what you actually WILL say to them. The right words will come, it is not a matter of logic.

I really feel for you, I hope you will consider what I've told you, talking it out is the most healing thing you can do with negative thoughts. Try not to think of yourself as a burden, to the right set of ears these problems will give someone else a chance to grow as well.

Lots of love, YellowNikes. You sound like a sensitive soul, these are the best ones, in my opinion.

 

[Pillthrill]

I had a really interesting experience last week. I know that I had mentioned in the TDS social that I ran into my bf's cheating ex at the bar and had to deal with that. well that night I had my first POSITIVE self talk. We all kinda do that, talk in the mirror thing...and maybe more so when we have had a drink or 2. Well I felt really good about myself and had a positive one where I wasn't calling myself worthless, useless or ugly. :D

 

[spork]

YellowNikes, have you tried therapy at all?

 

[MidnightBaby]

Something that really helped these things for me YellowNikes, is C-H-A-N-G-E!

I got so damn bored and miserable with my life that I took off and did something totally different. This wasn't a conscious "I need to change things to help me" but that's exactly what happened - I found new ways of living my life, definitely new ways of thinking; I saw a whole world of new things that I'd never known anything about before.
Lucky for me it turned out that I found a whole new and very satisfying life. I didn't plan it, but making that step that forced me into something new, meant that all the other balls rolled on without me really trying.

I went overseas and ended up living there. YOU don't need to do anything so drastic! In short my point is, take action. Regardless of your thoughts. No in spite of your thoughts and because of your thoughts - go and do it anyway. Just little things like being more social, or finding a new coffee shop in your area, or a new place to walk/ride/run, there're oodles of possible things to actually do but I'm talking about the general principle - take a positive action no matter what your thoughts are. Because when you change things up, and when you do good things, and then when you keep on doing them, your thoughts change too. They get better- you become happier with what you're doing, and so you become happier with yourself and your life.
Do it, and keep on doing it especially when it's hard, and you'll start to feel really bloody good about yourself.

Ha take a leaf outta your namesake's book - Just Do It.

 

[YellowNikes]

hey thanks to all of you,
and ya i have tried therapy, i went i couple times when i was younger and then to about four or so sessions at the end of last year but i was constantly showing up high so i sorta just quit going. but i have quit the drugs that i was doing except beer and i am in the process of looking for therapist.
i like the idea of enacting some change upon my life and i am gonna try and do that some how...
if you guys don't mind i might try and organize the negative thoughts and the last mental year(if that make sense) on here, writing it out might give me some insight and any insight/advice would be greatly appreciated
not sure how im gonna do this though

 

[ocean]

I recently started a thread called something lik e"weight of words" in TDS about self-talk.
I found a quote I'll pass on here since it seems appropriate:
"As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives. "
Henry David Thoreau
It basically sums up the advice I'd give and have been given. In order to change our outlook on life we have to change the way we talk to ourselves, think to ourselves. Try to think positive thoughts and things will be more positive in your life.......And yes, sometimes this means, in the beginning telling yourself something that you may not whole heartedly believe- But in the end, could greatly benefit you.

 

[YellowNikes]

so the negative thought pattern:
usually starts out with a deep chest feeling sorta like the despair/anxiety feeling associated with these thoughts, breakups(maybe girls in general), and most criticism from other people whether the person meant it to be mean or not ( i know i overreact to criticism just cant handle if for some reason)
An example: a couple months ago i was working at this sushi restaurant. I had worked there as a waiter for a couple months which was awful. I am pretty shy so it fucking sucked, my mouth would get dry, i would studder, forget orders constantly be too nervous to go back and ask what they had actually wanted, usually left work with the desire to kill everyone in there and myself, just not really a good fit for me. Eventually i would go to work on bars, hydros, or adderall(dxm once, fucking bizarre...) just to be able to cope. The owners were also looking for a "sushi helper" so i asked if i could do that and they let me. The sushi chef who was training me wasn't the kindest man and spoke very little English so he would yell at me in Korean whenever i did something wrong which was constantly. This one day when i might have been fucked up on something(not sure my memory sucks) i had been fucking up all over the place and i tried to hide some mistake that i had made. He caught me and instead of yelling in Korean which at least had the comic relief of sounding funny(no offense koreans) he just stared at me with pure disappointment and disapproval. I started to get this immense feeling in my chest and i graphically pictured smashing my head through these glass sliding doors that all the fish were behind. i just felt awful like i was the stupidest person on the face of the earth and there was no reason for my existence. and at the same time i remember thinking that i should not care what this short little Korean man thinks of me, in fact i was really mad at myself for caring.
That is basically how i react to criticism not usually as intense but some times its even worse.

 

[YellowNikes]

ocean, that makes a lot of sense and positive thinking and helps but i can not control my mind around people sometimes, like i would prepare myself mentally for when i was gonna see some girl that i liked, basically try and keep calm. and you know sometimes it works but those times are rare usually i start to get anxious(and if i am in an uplifting/optimistic state of mind) i would tell myself be calm, "i don't care what she/they think of me," and take deep breaths. But most of the time my fucking mind gets the better of me and i get stuck like i am unable to speak my heart races and i probably look distressed. I hate it, cause in these situations my thoughts quickly deteriorate from the optimistic "iam better than this" to the very negative ones like" wow look how pathetic you are acting"

to be finished later

 

[panic in paradise]

You can perceive anything anyway, even though there is always a fact.

Example :

A plant you had been growing and pampering for months,.dies all the sudden.

Does that mean you CAN'T garden?

Does it mean the plant is too hard to grow?

Is it because you will NEVER be able to?

No, no, & no.
These are all perceptions, negative ones, not facts. These thoughts are common, and could be turned into questions-answers-knowledge-ability-gain-pride-success.

It can take years to become accustomed and involentary wih CBT,.but yes, the small steps will lead to the larger leaps.

 

[burntserkits]

Keeping your self and your mind busy REALLY helps. Stopping and pondering these things over-and-over make it so much worse. I am battling depression myself and when I sit and worry things are so much worse for me. I try to stay focused and busy and that really helps me get through. Trying some of the newer SNRIs may be of value if the traditional SSRIs haven't worked...if you're interested.