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Self Hatred

PTSD man. Aint it a bitch? I know that self hate all too well. I shift from days that are absolutely unbearable to days where everything feels close to ok. Then it shifts back again. Its frustrating because I will go see my therapist and everything is ok on that day. Then two days later I am back to being miserable. Its this existential feeling of dread that is hard to describe. Like I want to pull my hair out and beat the shit out of myself for just existing. I remember quite vividly why I decided to start doing heroin on days like today.
 
cj said:
PTSD man. Aint it a bitch? I know that self hate all too well. I shift from days that are absolutely unbearable to days where everything feels close to ok. Then it shifts back again. Its frustrating because I will go see my therapist and everything is ok on that day. Then two days later I am back to being miserable. Its this existential feeling of dread that is hard to describe. Like I want to pull my hair out and beat the shit out of myself for just existing. I remember quite vividly why I decided to start doing heroin on days like today.
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This interests me. I thankfully am not prone to abrupt changes in mood or behavior and am in no way negating PTSD as some figment of your imagination. But I also feel like tearing my hair out pretty regularly, not so much out of the mere fact of existing, but rather the absurdity of much of what we do while existing. How do you know that your illness is driving you further down this path of dread? I am legitimately curious.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I have a hard time identifying flashback triggers for me.

I gave up trying to make sense of my PTSD a while ago.
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PTSD doesn't have to be rooted in one large event - it may be many seemingly small ones that stack over time. If I were in your situation I would try the EMDR. I would keep trying different methods until something stuck. Mental health isn't an exact science - it's trial and error. Something is not working in your life and it's making you very unhappy. That in and of itself should be enough reason to keep pushing forward to try to find therapeutic resolution. Otherwise, you'll stay stuck in your present state as you've already proven self medicating doesn't work either. You worked so hard to get to where you are now, it doesn't make much sense to just stop now. Just my opinion.
 
cj said:
PTSD man. Aint it a bitch? I know that self hate all too well. I shift from days that are absolutely unbearable to days where everything feels close to ok. Then it shifts back again. Its frustrating because I will go see my therapist and everything is ok on that day. Then two days later I am back to being miserable. Its this existential feeling of dread that is hard to describe. Like I want to pull my hair out and beat the shit out of myself for just existing. I remember quite vividly why I decided to start doing heroin on days like today.
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Thanks for sharing man, I can really relate to everything you said. It also helps give me a better perspective on what I'm going through. Hope you're having a good day today <3

Moreaux said:
PTSD doesn't have to be rooted in one large event - it may be many seemingly small ones that stack over time. If I were in your situation I would try the EMDR. I would keep trying different methods until something stuck. Mental health isn't an exact science - it's trial and error. Something is not working in your life and it's making you very unhappy. That in and of itself should be enough reason to keep pushing forward to try to find therapeutic resolution. Otherwise, you'll stay stuck in your present state as you've already proven self medicating doesn't work either. You worked so hard to get to where you are now, it doesn't make much sense to just stop now. Just my opinion.
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I'm aware of this, which is what makes identifying flashback triggers hard.

I don't really think of myself as self-medicating. At least not anymore because I gave up all problem drugs. I realize I cannot just use once (buprenorphine, heroin, opiates etc), I will keep using.

withlove said:
do you know why you hate yourself?
dont answer here but it helps to know what it is that you find so hard to live with.
is it rooted in reality?
if there a specific things you dislike about how you are presently than make an effort to do something concretely to change that, even if it takes time. being proactive even a little can do a lot of good.
and if its more a general self loathing maybe you need to find something that gets you excited, happy, passionate and around other people who can see the good in you so you can start to see that in you too and not focus on the dark stuff.

maybe none of this applies and thats cool too.

xx
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Thank you for your feedback. As per your first question, I believe I know why. But self-perceptions can be skewed somewhat to a hell of a lot depending on the person. I don't know how accurate my self-perceptions are.
 
Human being are all worthy and have inherent value. Nobody is better or worse. It doesn't matter if we are sick or healthy, young or, old rich or poor, addicted or not addicted. We all have equal worth. The outer world with its materialism will try and often have you believe different. Your self-worth comes from within. Giving to others, devotion, loving and giving is the ultimate human experience and thus the most esteem building. You are perfectly fine as you are. You are equal to me and anybody else on here in value. The trick is actions that make us feel this way. Volunteering in Sri Lanka with children? could be like a dream
 
What was it? said:
You are perfectly fine as you are. You are equal to me and anybody else on here in value. The trick is actions that make us feel this way.
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This is so spot on. And how addiction takes this understand that I believe at least some of us have as children, although perhaps we are not then fully aware of it or its implications, but as we develop and experience the suffering of the world, and especially when we experience addiction in any form*, we end up losing sight of this reality completely. This reality I speak of is the inherent goodness of the human heart.

*As well as any form of extreme trauma.
 
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I don't think it's too uncommon to be honest, especially amongst people with addiction or mental health issues. In fact, just today I had a conversation with my brother about my complete lack of confidence, guilt/shame & hated of myself & things I have done.

The thing that stood out to me was him asking why? On what standards am I judging myself & why can i be so compassionate, forgiving & understanding for everyone else but myself? So i'll ask you the same?

Were all human & allmake mistakes. Some people just cover them better or lie about things. Society has a lot to do with it. Id guess 97% of all people dislike themselves. From something as simple as their hair all the way to everything about themselves. You're bot alone. & although that doesn't help directly, knowing your not alone brings a little comfort x
 
I'm sorry that you're feeling down, CH.
You know that there are good days and bad days.
It gets better over time, the longer you remain sober.

It always helps to talk to someone when you're feeling depressed.
I found talking to a therapist helps a lot to get things out.

Much love my friend, if you ever need to talk, I'm a PM away. :)
 
Mood Gym is a great resource. Sometimes you have to ask yourself what you are getting from things that are self-defeating (like self-hatred) but are so hard to let go of. Sometimes it is so familiar that it holds a certain amount of security. Humans are most scared of the unknown.
 
the secondary gain is probably motivation, passion, energy, externalized interests (because I am almost always fully immersed in my inner world), I guess.

I'm not 100% sure on that.

Thank you herby, you're so insightful <3
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I don't often post threads about my recovery in Sober Living. I felt like getting this out though, perhaps it'll open up a discussion that can benefit others as well.

I'm having a hard time with self hatred. In three days I'll have 19 months off needles, suboxone, all opiates, all that jazz.

I am not sure if it's just because I have PTSD and I'm just going to have to get used to this, or what.

I've been considering EMDR but I have an aversion to seeking help.

Thoughts, experiences? <3
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The thing about self hate IMO is that it's not based in logic. So if you dig logical thinking you may quickly find that you've done nothing to hate yourself for. To your knowledge did you ask to be born? Did you ask for your parents or your environment and life experiences, brain chemistry etc etc? Unless you did then you're not responsible for any of it. If you want to place blame it logically has to fall on nature/creation itself. Keep reminding yourself and slowly it may start to sink in.
 
Captain.Heroin - I'm sorry anything I have to say never seems to be useful to you. I do wish you didn't feel this way, and sincerely hope that you are able to find a solution to move forward into a peaceful existence. I can relate on some levels to self-hatred, I constantly existed in that state during active addiction but was able to finally break free and move forward once I was lucky enough find solutions to my mental illness. I was fortunate that the depression, self-loathing, addiction, and debilitating anxiety were all symptoms of the OCD. Reading through these forums over the year has made me grateful that I have an easier illness to work with, and gave me the hope and strength to claw my way out of the rabbit hole I had fallen into. I do wish the best for you, for whatever that is worth.
 
cj said:
I disagree as well. I can make a rational argument on why my family and society in general would be better off if I was dead.
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But we don't live for our families or for society, we live for ourselves. <3

Moreaux said:
Captain.Heroin - I'm sorry anything I have to say never seems to be useful to you. I do wish you didn't feel this way, and sincerely hope that you are able to find a solution to move forward into a peaceful existence. I can relate on some levels to self-hatred, I constantly existed in that state during active addiction but was able to finally break free and move forward once I was lucky enough find solutions to my mental illness. I was fortunate that the depression, self-loathing, addiction, and debilitating anxiety were all symptoms of the OCD. Reading through these forums over the year has made me grateful that I have an easier illness to work with, and gave me the hope and strength to claw my way out of the rabbit hole I had fallen into. I do wish the best for you, for whatever that is worth.
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thank you <3 it means the world to me to hear you say that.

I'm doing a bit better today even though I'm really busy. I guess I'm adapting and growing up :|
 
I can completely understand the self hatred. I have done so many things in my life that I am not proud of, and compound that with the knowledge I did them for selfish reasons is the perfect storm to get down on myself.

Something that helps me is to do good works by others. I know it will never make up for the things I have done, but it certainly makes me feel like I am balancing the scales.
 
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