MDMATherapy
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Mar 9, 2013
- Messages
- 2
My Background
I have an informal background in neurolinguistic programming, hypnotherapy, and general self-help (motivation, goal setting, follow-through, etc.). I have studied these topics on my own for many years and found them to be useful for understanding and "tuning-up" my thoughts, feelings, and behavior, as well as helping my friends to do the same and improving my business relationships. After researhing MDMA therapy, I decided to attempt to design a type of therapy that one can perform on their own, utilizing the power of MDMA to reduce anxiety and allow for deep introspection when contemplating difficult topics, in concert with concepts of the tools I have already become familiar with. I was already also familiar with MDMA from recreational use, reviewing scientific studies, and intaking first-hand experiences from friends and resources such as this forum. I felt that MDMA therapy was particularly well-suited for self-direction since while using MDMA, you really don't need anyone to be supportive of you (you feel great no matter what) and you can be introspective without having someone else prod you.
Disclaimer
I'm neither a doctor nor a professional therapist, and therefore if you choose to utilize anything you may read here, you do so at your own risk. My issues are likely different than yours, as is my body chemistry and psychological state, so there is no guarantee that you will have the same results as me, or that it is safe for you to repeat what I've done. Consider whether you can handle being alone while working out difficult issues. I felt more comfortable being on my own, but perhaps having a friend on the other side of the room (not interacting with or reviewing your work -- perhaps trying their own therapy, or perhaps just watching TV) would be better for others. I would hate to learn that someone hurt themselves while attempting this. I hate even more the idea that information -- especially information that may benefit many people -- should be withheld "for someone's own good." You're a free person and have the right to do as you choose, rather than have others making that decision for you, while understanding the consequences are yours alone to deal with. Also, I hear MDMA is illegal in many places, so you, of course, shouldn't do this if you live in one of these places. Any discussion of my personal use of MDMA has occurred outside of such jurisdictions.
Objective
My personal goal was to work through some experiences and emotions which I felt brought about negative emotions and resultant anxiety, stress, or counter-productive behavior. Examples of possible objectives (but not necessarily my personal objectives) could be: coping with a traumatizing experience such as rape or war, making peace with one's self for mistakes one has made, general fears such as rejection or failure, and coming to terms with loss.
My objective in writing this post is to, essentially, share my work for peer review, in the hopes that a) it will help people, and b) people will be able to build upon and improve what I've done. As the "real" scientific community has its hands tied thanks to governments that do not recognize a legitimate medical purpose for MDMA, we are left on our own to progress the knowledge of how to use this effective tool. Again, if you decide to participate, you have decided to undertake the risk of trying something unstudied that a stranger wrote on the Internet and (among other risks) potentially making your issues worse in exchange for the potential benefit of helping yourself and others.
Preparation
In advance, you should have a rough idea of the issues you'd like to work on. Perhaps take a week and note (mentally or in writing) things that are bothering you. Some of them may be obvious (for example, if you have experienced trauma that bothers you daily) and others may occur more subtly or intermittently (for example, "Last night, I didn't approach a girl I wanted to meet because I was afraid of being rejected."). I'd recommend trying to keep to between 1 and 12 different issues per session, based on time constraints and ability to focus (the MDMA only lasts for so long, and I don't recommend adding an additional dose to extend your session since it may place you in a state of diminished mental clarity).
Have pen and a few sheets of paper handy (or a notebook, perhaps, if you plan on multiple sessions). I think a keyboard is not a good substitute -- stream of consciousness is much the goal here, and ink on paper allows you to see everything all at once and to be more creative with how you express yourself without worrying about formatting a Word doc or adjusting columns on a spreadsheet.
Before I began, I established a rule, which I think was important: I wouldn't take any actions on anything I had worked on until after the drug had worn off and I had slept. This was, as may be obvious, to avoid doing anything that may have seemed like a good idea while on MDMA but was not.
Procedure
(My procedure in normal print, notes on why and recommendations for adapting to yourself in italics).
Starting in the afternoon on a day where I had consumed no mind-altering substances and no MDMA for about 2 weeks prior, I injested 130mg of powder that I believed to be about 80% pure MDMA, for an expected dose of 104mg. Based on your experience (I'm assuming most of you have tried MDMA prior to this for recreational use, and would certainly recommend that you do so before attempting theraputic use), adjust the dose to what you know you will feel, but will not have you on the floor or unable to focus. For most people, I understand this to be about 85 - 125mg of pure MDMA. MDMA takes a full hour before one fully feels its mental effects, and I used that time to gather my thoughts. If you feel like you're "rolling" in 20-30 minutes, you likely have not taken MDMA. This time frame would be more consistent with (meth)amphetamines. On what turned out to be several sheets of paper, I made three columns: the first was to identify the issue I was looking to resolve, the second to describe how I presently felt about the issue, and the third described how I would like to feel, or the mental resolution I was looking for. I started by filling out only the first column, which is the only column I wanted to fill out before the effects of the MDMA could be felt. I ended up listing 15 things. Again, looking back, for next time, I'd limit to 12 such that I could better dedicate time and focus. Leave a lot of space between each row -- I used 5 rows per page, and I write really small.
By the time I had finished my list, I was starting to feel the effects, and proceeded to fill out the second and third columns simultaneously, row-by-row. If I had fewer things on my list and finished the first column long before the MDMA took effect, I would wait for a few minutes before proceeding. In the second column, I went in detail about how I presently felt about a situation. Describe your issue and try to dig deep into why and how it has affected you so. Include as many emotions as possible. In the third column, I described how I wanted to feel about it and reasons why I can or should feel that way. How you "want to feel" should be a realistic resolution. For example, if your issue was sexual abuse, you would not write, "I want to feel good about what happened," but perhaps more, "I want to feel stronger, like I have control of my body again, like I can help and empower others," and so on. Or, for example, if your issue was that you felt guilty about mistreating someone, you might write, "I want to be able to forgive myself. I want to feel like I have learned and grown as a result." I would like to experiment with writing the third column as if it were feelings in the present tense (i.e., "I feel xyz" instead of "I want to feel xyz"), but thought of this after my experiment.
As I was writing, I realized that there were actions I wanted to take. This could include things like: make an apology, learn or research something, etc. Since my rule was no actions until after sleep, on a separate piece of paper, I made a to-do list as things would pop into my head.
After all rows had been filled out, I went and reviewed everything I had written. I tried to truly internalize the feelings behind the third column -- as vividly as possible imagining those feelings.
Finally, I concluded with taking one more sheet of paper and writing a list of things that I like about myself. The idea behind this was to remind myself that even though I had spend the last couple of hours focusing on my problems, mistakes, and failures, there are a great many more things about me that I love, and that my issues are but a small part of what I like to think is a good person. There should be no reason, while on MDMA, that you can't come up with one or two dozen things that are good about yourself. I spent the remainder of the time effected by the MDMA looking at shiny things.
Aftermath
As I finished what I was doing, I had a good feeling that it went well. The next day, when I tried to recall how some of the issues previously made me feel, for many of them, I legitimately could not feel the old emotion about the issue anymore, and for other issues, I felt the negative emotion less intensely. Like any therapy, I get the impression that occasional repetition of the session may help to ensure that the changes stick and become stronger. I will be testing again, and intend to leave at least 1 month between sessions (I wait at least 10 days between doses of MDMA for safety purposes, and I'd like to continue to use MDMA for fun as well).
If you decide to try this yourself, please share your experience, good or bad. If you think of ways to improve this therapy method, please share (especially if you've given your improvement ideas a try). This post is essentially the first draft of the architecture of a potential way to help... well... everyone, since everyone has had negative things happen in their lives that have affected them. I'd also be happy to hear your feedback and answer any questions. I'd prefer to do it in-thread so others can see as well, but will answer PMs if necessary, albeit slowly.
I have an informal background in neurolinguistic programming, hypnotherapy, and general self-help (motivation, goal setting, follow-through, etc.). I have studied these topics on my own for many years and found them to be useful for understanding and "tuning-up" my thoughts, feelings, and behavior, as well as helping my friends to do the same and improving my business relationships. After researhing MDMA therapy, I decided to attempt to design a type of therapy that one can perform on their own, utilizing the power of MDMA to reduce anxiety and allow for deep introspection when contemplating difficult topics, in concert with concepts of the tools I have already become familiar with. I was already also familiar with MDMA from recreational use, reviewing scientific studies, and intaking first-hand experiences from friends and resources such as this forum. I felt that MDMA therapy was particularly well-suited for self-direction since while using MDMA, you really don't need anyone to be supportive of you (you feel great no matter what) and you can be introspective without having someone else prod you.
Disclaimer
I'm neither a doctor nor a professional therapist, and therefore if you choose to utilize anything you may read here, you do so at your own risk. My issues are likely different than yours, as is my body chemistry and psychological state, so there is no guarantee that you will have the same results as me, or that it is safe for you to repeat what I've done. Consider whether you can handle being alone while working out difficult issues. I felt more comfortable being on my own, but perhaps having a friend on the other side of the room (not interacting with or reviewing your work -- perhaps trying their own therapy, or perhaps just watching TV) would be better for others. I would hate to learn that someone hurt themselves while attempting this. I hate even more the idea that information -- especially information that may benefit many people -- should be withheld "for someone's own good." You're a free person and have the right to do as you choose, rather than have others making that decision for you, while understanding the consequences are yours alone to deal with. Also, I hear MDMA is illegal in many places, so you, of course, shouldn't do this if you live in one of these places. Any discussion of my personal use of MDMA has occurred outside of such jurisdictions.
Objective
My personal goal was to work through some experiences and emotions which I felt brought about negative emotions and resultant anxiety, stress, or counter-productive behavior. Examples of possible objectives (but not necessarily my personal objectives) could be: coping with a traumatizing experience such as rape or war, making peace with one's self for mistakes one has made, general fears such as rejection or failure, and coming to terms with loss.
My objective in writing this post is to, essentially, share my work for peer review, in the hopes that a) it will help people, and b) people will be able to build upon and improve what I've done. As the "real" scientific community has its hands tied thanks to governments that do not recognize a legitimate medical purpose for MDMA, we are left on our own to progress the knowledge of how to use this effective tool. Again, if you decide to participate, you have decided to undertake the risk of trying something unstudied that a stranger wrote on the Internet and (among other risks) potentially making your issues worse in exchange for the potential benefit of helping yourself and others.
Preparation
In advance, you should have a rough idea of the issues you'd like to work on. Perhaps take a week and note (mentally or in writing) things that are bothering you. Some of them may be obvious (for example, if you have experienced trauma that bothers you daily) and others may occur more subtly or intermittently (for example, "Last night, I didn't approach a girl I wanted to meet because I was afraid of being rejected."). I'd recommend trying to keep to between 1 and 12 different issues per session, based on time constraints and ability to focus (the MDMA only lasts for so long, and I don't recommend adding an additional dose to extend your session since it may place you in a state of diminished mental clarity).
Have pen and a few sheets of paper handy (or a notebook, perhaps, if you plan on multiple sessions). I think a keyboard is not a good substitute -- stream of consciousness is much the goal here, and ink on paper allows you to see everything all at once and to be more creative with how you express yourself without worrying about formatting a Word doc or adjusting columns on a spreadsheet.
Before I began, I established a rule, which I think was important: I wouldn't take any actions on anything I had worked on until after the drug had worn off and I had slept. This was, as may be obvious, to avoid doing anything that may have seemed like a good idea while on MDMA but was not.
Procedure
(My procedure in normal print, notes on why and recommendations for adapting to yourself in italics).
Starting in the afternoon on a day where I had consumed no mind-altering substances and no MDMA for about 2 weeks prior, I injested 130mg of powder that I believed to be about 80% pure MDMA, for an expected dose of 104mg. Based on your experience (I'm assuming most of you have tried MDMA prior to this for recreational use, and would certainly recommend that you do so before attempting theraputic use), adjust the dose to what you know you will feel, but will not have you on the floor or unable to focus. For most people, I understand this to be about 85 - 125mg of pure MDMA. MDMA takes a full hour before one fully feels its mental effects, and I used that time to gather my thoughts. If you feel like you're "rolling" in 20-30 minutes, you likely have not taken MDMA. This time frame would be more consistent with (meth)amphetamines. On what turned out to be several sheets of paper, I made three columns: the first was to identify the issue I was looking to resolve, the second to describe how I presently felt about the issue, and the third described how I would like to feel, or the mental resolution I was looking for. I started by filling out only the first column, which is the only column I wanted to fill out before the effects of the MDMA could be felt. I ended up listing 15 things. Again, looking back, for next time, I'd limit to 12 such that I could better dedicate time and focus. Leave a lot of space between each row -- I used 5 rows per page, and I write really small.
By the time I had finished my list, I was starting to feel the effects, and proceeded to fill out the second and third columns simultaneously, row-by-row. If I had fewer things on my list and finished the first column long before the MDMA took effect, I would wait for a few minutes before proceeding. In the second column, I went in detail about how I presently felt about a situation. Describe your issue and try to dig deep into why and how it has affected you so. Include as many emotions as possible. In the third column, I described how I wanted to feel about it and reasons why I can or should feel that way. How you "want to feel" should be a realistic resolution. For example, if your issue was sexual abuse, you would not write, "I want to feel good about what happened," but perhaps more, "I want to feel stronger, like I have control of my body again, like I can help and empower others," and so on. Or, for example, if your issue was that you felt guilty about mistreating someone, you might write, "I want to be able to forgive myself. I want to feel like I have learned and grown as a result." I would like to experiment with writing the third column as if it were feelings in the present tense (i.e., "I feel xyz" instead of "I want to feel xyz"), but thought of this after my experiment.
As I was writing, I realized that there were actions I wanted to take. This could include things like: make an apology, learn or research something, etc. Since my rule was no actions until after sleep, on a separate piece of paper, I made a to-do list as things would pop into my head.
After all rows had been filled out, I went and reviewed everything I had written. I tried to truly internalize the feelings behind the third column -- as vividly as possible imagining those feelings.
Finally, I concluded with taking one more sheet of paper and writing a list of things that I like about myself. The idea behind this was to remind myself that even though I had spend the last couple of hours focusing on my problems, mistakes, and failures, there are a great many more things about me that I love, and that my issues are but a small part of what I like to think is a good person. There should be no reason, while on MDMA, that you can't come up with one or two dozen things that are good about yourself. I spent the remainder of the time effected by the MDMA looking at shiny things.
Aftermath
As I finished what I was doing, I had a good feeling that it went well. The next day, when I tried to recall how some of the issues previously made me feel, for many of them, I legitimately could not feel the old emotion about the issue anymore, and for other issues, I felt the negative emotion less intensely. Like any therapy, I get the impression that occasional repetition of the session may help to ensure that the changes stick and become stronger. I will be testing again, and intend to leave at least 1 month between sessions (I wait at least 10 days between doses of MDMA for safety purposes, and I'd like to continue to use MDMA for fun as well).
If you decide to try this yourself, please share your experience, good or bad. If you think of ways to improve this therapy method, please share (especially if you've given your improvement ideas a try). This post is essentially the first draft of the architecture of a potential way to help... well... everyone, since everyone has had negative things happen in their lives that have affected them. I'd also be happy to hear your feedback and answer any questions. I'd prefer to do it in-thread so others can see as well, but will answer PMs if necessary, albeit slowly.
