I don't know what put me on this stimulant kick. Probably lack of access to oxy. I guess I'm giving my opioid receptors a break and burning out some dopamine/norepinephrine receptors for a change. I must remember to mind my fluids and electrolytes (Gatorade!) as well as eat something. Maybe a banana. Those are the only things I can stomach when I'm like this.
Hopefully I will be getting some oxy tomorrow, if all works out the way it's supposed to. I hope I don't sleep through the call... Hmm. Well, oxy is usually enough to motivate me to do things. Sadly enough. I can put off anything till tomorrow... except scoring. I wanna do that shit NOW! Ugh, I don't wanna be sketched the fuck out when I cop though. I hate that shit. Before it was a nice setup where I could go to my dude's house and chill for a bit, do a line of oxy and smoke a bowl, and at least feel somewhat safe (plus at least if I got arrested I'd be HIGH already) but now it's always on the street, in public. Everyone looks like a fucking cop when you're coming off stimulants and even more so when you're buying drugs while coming off stimulants.
How do meth heads do it? Oh, wait, they don't... there's the psychosis and shadow people. :D Guess I'm just a pussy. The days of doing anything and everything all at once -- in public no less -- are over. I don't have parents to bail me out of jail or give me money if I blow it all on drugs and someone has to take care of my brother. Plus I don't want my girlfriend involved if anything goes wrong. She doesn't deserve that. I always have the "getting caught" scenario stuck in my head -- what I would say, what I would do. Would I eat all of the oxy so I could at least be high while I was in jail? I wouldn't want to catch another charge for that though. Like destroying evidence or something. And it's not like I get my money back if I get arrested. Hahaha. God, I am such an idiot. I don't care about myself but my girlfriend doesn't need a record. But she insists on going with me when I cop. Perhaps to keep how much money I spend in check? Perhaps because we're completely codependent?
(I don't know who snores louder though -- my girlfriend or my Dachshund. Ha! She'd get a kick out of that comment.)
I also wish this sinus infection would go away. Perhaps I should rethink snorting stuff for a while. Only the first line hurts, though. The rest go down easy. Opana was the last thing to give me a nosebleed. I took half of my antibiotics so hopefully that killed the infection. I know you're supposed to finish all of your antibiotics so you don't go and breed drug-resistant bacterial strains but no one is fucking perfect, right?
So, self-control. I have none. Obviously. But is it really about self-control at this point? It's probably more about addiction, habits, masking emotions and familiar routines now. Oh, yeah, and I like to get high. But I bet that was obvious.
I've been listening to a lot of music I haven't listened to in a long time. One band in particular comes to mind -- the Stockyard Stoics. They were a punk band from Brooklyn. I'm fairly sure they've been broken up for years now. I used to go to as many of their shows as I could. I also used to go to the Hardcore/Punk Matinee at ABC No Rio most Saturdays. If I wasn't so shy, I suppose I'd have a lot more friends from that part of my life. The only time I didn't feel self-conscious was when the band was actually playing. Otherwise, it was a bunch of awkward teenagers looking at each other, judging who was "punk" and who was a "poseur". I wasn't into drugs then. The music was my drug. I have one of their CDs but I don't know where the other one I bought is. Somewhere in this garbage heap I call an apartment.
I am so sorry this is so long. I know that nobody will read this amphetamine-fueled nonsense. Please forgive me for wasting your precious bandwidth, Bluelight. If anyone actually read this, please leave a comment or something so I can send you virtual flowers or something.
Oh, and here are the lyrics and a link to a very fitting song right now:
Adolescent Chemistry by the Stockyard Stoics
Oh Jason
He don't need a reason
And it's always the season
For getting loose and unbent
He can't pay the rent
And Rachel has seen one too many late nights
Her place is cleaned up just right
A bloody nose and razor blades
She's a hand grenade
There's nothing wrong in fun
And you're not the only one
That's paid too high a price for what's been done
I'll always want to play
And laugh my days away
We're paying with our lives for being young
Now Kiefer is making all sorts of new friends
He's living out on the streets
Again, transcending love and pain
It's in his veins
And Jesse
She don't need a reason
And it's always the season
For getting loose and undressed
And you know the rest
There's nothing wrong in fun
And you're not the only one
That's paid too high a price for what's been done
I'll always want to play
And laugh my days away
We're paying with our lives for being young
Guitar!
Ritalin and LSD
Adolescent chemistry
Take what you can
Get what you can
Do it all over all over again
Rossi and amphetamines
Adolescent chemistry
You took what you could get
You were never second best
A step beyond the rest
Rest well my friends
There's nothing wrong in fun
And you're not the only one
That's paid too high a price for what's been done
I'll always want to play
And laugh my days away
We're paying with our lives for being young
Hopefully I will be getting some oxy tomorrow, if all works out the way it's supposed to. I hope I don't sleep through the call... Hmm. Well, oxy is usually enough to motivate me to do things. Sadly enough. I can put off anything till tomorrow... except scoring. I wanna do that shit NOW! Ugh, I don't wanna be sketched the fuck out when I cop though. I hate that shit. Before it was a nice setup where I could go to my dude's house and chill for a bit, do a line of oxy and smoke a bowl, and at least feel somewhat safe (plus at least if I got arrested I'd be HIGH already) but now it's always on the street, in public. Everyone looks like a fucking cop when you're coming off stimulants and even more so when you're buying drugs while coming off stimulants.
How do meth heads do it? Oh, wait, they don't... there's the psychosis and shadow people. :D Guess I'm just a pussy. The days of doing anything and everything all at once -- in public no less -- are over. I don't have parents to bail me out of jail or give me money if I blow it all on drugs and someone has to take care of my brother. Plus I don't want my girlfriend involved if anything goes wrong. She doesn't deserve that. I always have the "getting caught" scenario stuck in my head -- what I would say, what I would do. Would I eat all of the oxy so I could at least be high while I was in jail? I wouldn't want to catch another charge for that though. Like destroying evidence or something. And it's not like I get my money back if I get arrested. Hahaha. God, I am such an idiot. I don't care about myself but my girlfriend doesn't need a record. But she insists on going with me when I cop. Perhaps to keep how much money I spend in check? Perhaps because we're completely codependent?
(I don't know who snores louder though -- my girlfriend or my Dachshund. Ha! She'd get a kick out of that comment.)
I also wish this sinus infection would go away. Perhaps I should rethink snorting stuff for a while. Only the first line hurts, though. The rest go down easy. Opana was the last thing to give me a nosebleed. I took half of my antibiotics so hopefully that killed the infection. I know you're supposed to finish all of your antibiotics so you don't go and breed drug-resistant bacterial strains but no one is fucking perfect, right?
So, self-control. I have none. Obviously. But is it really about self-control at this point? It's probably more about addiction, habits, masking emotions and familiar routines now. Oh, yeah, and I like to get high. But I bet that was obvious.
I've been listening to a lot of music I haven't listened to in a long time. One band in particular comes to mind -- the Stockyard Stoics. They were a punk band from Brooklyn. I'm fairly sure they've been broken up for years now. I used to go to as many of their shows as I could. I also used to go to the Hardcore/Punk Matinee at ABC No Rio most Saturdays. If I wasn't so shy, I suppose I'd have a lot more friends from that part of my life. The only time I didn't feel self-conscious was when the band was actually playing. Otherwise, it was a bunch of awkward teenagers looking at each other, judging who was "punk" and who was a "poseur". I wasn't into drugs then. The music was my drug. I have one of their CDs but I don't know where the other one I bought is. Somewhere in this garbage heap I call an apartment.
I am so sorry this is so long. I know that nobody will read this amphetamine-fueled nonsense. Please forgive me for wasting your precious bandwidth, Bluelight. If anyone actually read this, please leave a comment or something so I can send you virtual flowers or something.
Oh, and here are the lyrics and a link to a very fitting song right now:
Adolescent Chemistry by the Stockyard Stoics
Oh Jason
He don't need a reason
And it's always the season
For getting loose and unbent
He can't pay the rent
And Rachel has seen one too many late nights
Her place is cleaned up just right
A bloody nose and razor blades
She's a hand grenade
There's nothing wrong in fun
And you're not the only one
That's paid too high a price for what's been done
I'll always want to play
And laugh my days away
We're paying with our lives for being young
Now Kiefer is making all sorts of new friends
He's living out on the streets
Again, transcending love and pain
It's in his veins
And Jesse
She don't need a reason
And it's always the season
For getting loose and undressed
And you know the rest
There's nothing wrong in fun
And you're not the only one
That's paid too high a price for what's been done
I'll always want to play
And laugh my days away
We're paying with our lives for being young
Guitar!
Ritalin and LSD
Adolescent chemistry
Take what you can
Get what you can
Do it all over all over again
Rossi and amphetamines
Adolescent chemistry
You took what you could get
You were never second best
A step beyond the rest
Rest well my friends
There's nothing wrong in fun
And you're not the only one
That's paid too high a price for what's been done
I'll always want to play
And laugh my days away
We're paying with our lives for being young