So I'm up for the 2nd night in a row.
Last night it was cocaine, tonight it's Adderall IR. I did get some sleep last night at least. I don't know if I will be able to sleep tonight though. Cocaine wears off pretty quickly compared to Adderall. (Duh.) The first line of cocaine is the best line of cocaine and the only one worth doing. I realized that a long time ago. But I have no self-control so I can't just do one line a day or whatever. I can't enjoy anything in moderation. Eating, drinking, smoking, drugs, sleep, sex, shopping, television, internet, video games. Compulsion. Everything is telling me to DO MORE. Until you run out of drugs or money or both. Or until your body gives out. Whichever.
Why can't I treat drugs like an expensive jar of caviar or a thread of saffron, where just a little goes a long way? I'm just not wired that way. My parents had addictive personalities too -- my dad was a gambler and my mom was an alcoholic. With genes like that, did I really have a chance? Nature or nurture debate, I guess. I fail at diets, at budgets, at doing homework, at being sober, at exercising, at making friends... anything good in life, I screw up. If I could put all of this energy into something positive, I'd be successful. If self-loathing and self-destruction paid a salary, I'd be the motherfucking 1%. I'd be Warren fucking Buffet, man. But no, I can't do anything positive.
I can't really do much at all, to be honest. I'm not functioning like an adult. I feel like I am so lost inside of myself and I cannot find a way out. The only way out so far is drugs. Sometimes I feel like drugs, as bad as they are for me, are the only things keeping me alive. I feel like I would have killed myself a long time ago if I didn't find drugs. Or if drugs didn't find me? I don't know, I used to admire the straight edge kids and never wanted to be that burned out drug addict. What went wrong? I guess I won't know till I go back to therapy or something, huh?
Oh well.
God, bullshitting with people is so much fun on stimulants. I'm not normally so talkative. Ever. I've been in classes where I've not said a single word the entire semester. "You're so quiet", "Oh, I didn't know you spoke", "Wow, she said something!" ... etc, etc, etc. 8) I have heard them all multiple times since the 6th grade. Give me a fucking break, okay? People would hate me if I said what was really on my mind all the time. "Politeness is the art of choosing among your thoughts." - Madame de Stael
I live by the whole "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" doctrine as well as the whole "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt" idea. Is that really so wrong? Who is worse -- the person in the back who doesn't speak unless it's important or the person in the front who won't ever just shut the fuck up and always has a stupid question or comment which completely derails the Professor and the rest of the class for 20 minutes?
I think people are just threatened by silence. They have to fill it with something. Music, television, mindless chatter. I love music, don't get me wrong, but I mean like elevator Muzak. Why can't you just enjoy the ride in peace and quiet? It's usually no more than a minute or two. Reflect. Be calm. Chill the fuck out for a second. Gather your thoughts. Stop and smell the fucking roses. Read the graffiti. Make your own graffiti. Press all the buttons and stop on every floor. Press the emergency button and get yourself stuck in the elevator. Anything. Jesus.
Just give me a book to read or a notebook to write in and I'll entertain myself. It's weird because I have an anxiety disorder so I'm usually chattering and worrying about stupid shit non-stop inside of my own head so when I get a rare moment of calm and quiet in public, I tend to enjoy it. *Sigh* I used to skip school by myself and go to the Mid-Manhattan library, take out a few books and just ride the subway back and forth, wherever it would take me. From the Bronx to Coney Island to Queens to the Far Rockaways. I'd have my CD player with a mix-CD I burned (crikey, I am old) and listen to that until the batteries died and read my books instead of going to school. If only there was a class -- Reading on the Subway for Hours 101. I could teach that fucking class. Imagine if the Kindle and iPod existed at that point in time!
I'm always torn between isolating myself in public and how much people do that, especially on the subway. Perfect strangers sitting in close proximity physically but mentally further from each other than you could imagine. Who engages strangers in conversations anyway? Eye contact is a sin on the subway! Stare at your iPod, your Kindle, your feet, the ads by the ceiling, but never the person sitting across from you. God forbid. My parents actually met on the freaking subway. The story is something like my dad started talking to my mom on the D train and they ended up actually riding to the same train stop which was a pretty big coincidence because they both took the same train every day and never ran into each other before. Sometimes I like it when strangers start conversations with me, but I'm always too scared to start conversations with other people. Unless it's in a store or whatever, where you're kind of obligated to exchange niceties with the cashier or whatever. I'm just a hypocrite I suppose. I do all the shit I'm complaining about, but that's what society has turned into. At least in New York City. I guess when there are 8 million people living in such a tiny area, the mass of humanity gets overwhelming. Sometimes I just want to move to a small town where everyone knows everyone else and the only new people who come in are the babies who are born there.
Growing up in New York City is difficult. People say we're rude but I think we're just overstimulated. Kind of like I am now. Could you imagine saying hello to every person you passed in Times Square or whatever? It would be impossible. I know the Naked Cowboy can do it, but it's too cold to be outside in just your undies! Hahaha.
Last night it was cocaine, tonight it's Adderall IR. I did get some sleep last night at least. I don't know if I will be able to sleep tonight though. Cocaine wears off pretty quickly compared to Adderall. (Duh.) The first line of cocaine is the best line of cocaine and the only one worth doing. I realized that a long time ago. But I have no self-control so I can't just do one line a day or whatever. I can't enjoy anything in moderation. Eating, drinking, smoking, drugs, sleep, sex, shopping, television, internet, video games. Compulsion. Everything is telling me to DO MORE. Until you run out of drugs or money or both. Or until your body gives out. Whichever.
Why can't I treat drugs like an expensive jar of caviar or a thread of saffron, where just a little goes a long way? I'm just not wired that way. My parents had addictive personalities too -- my dad was a gambler and my mom was an alcoholic. With genes like that, did I really have a chance? Nature or nurture debate, I guess. I fail at diets, at budgets, at doing homework, at being sober, at exercising, at making friends... anything good in life, I screw up. If I could put all of this energy into something positive, I'd be successful. If self-loathing and self-destruction paid a salary, I'd be the motherfucking 1%. I'd be Warren fucking Buffet, man. But no, I can't do anything positive.
I can't really do much at all, to be honest. I'm not functioning like an adult. I feel like I am so lost inside of myself and I cannot find a way out. The only way out so far is drugs. Sometimes I feel like drugs, as bad as they are for me, are the only things keeping me alive. I feel like I would have killed myself a long time ago if I didn't find drugs. Or if drugs didn't find me? I don't know, I used to admire the straight edge kids and never wanted to be that burned out drug addict. What went wrong? I guess I won't know till I go back to therapy or something, huh?
Oh well.
God, bullshitting with people is so much fun on stimulants. I'm not normally so talkative. Ever. I've been in classes where I've not said a single word the entire semester. "You're so quiet", "Oh, I didn't know you spoke", "Wow, she said something!" ... etc, etc, etc. 8) I have heard them all multiple times since the 6th grade. Give me a fucking break, okay? People would hate me if I said what was really on my mind all the time. "Politeness is the art of choosing among your thoughts." - Madame de Stael
I live by the whole "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" doctrine as well as the whole "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt" idea. Is that really so wrong? Who is worse -- the person in the back who doesn't speak unless it's important or the person in the front who won't ever just shut the fuck up and always has a stupid question or comment which completely derails the Professor and the rest of the class for 20 minutes?
I think people are just threatened by silence. They have to fill it with something. Music, television, mindless chatter. I love music, don't get me wrong, but I mean like elevator Muzak. Why can't you just enjoy the ride in peace and quiet? It's usually no more than a minute or two. Reflect. Be calm. Chill the fuck out for a second. Gather your thoughts. Stop and smell the fucking roses. Read the graffiti. Make your own graffiti. Press all the buttons and stop on every floor. Press the emergency button and get yourself stuck in the elevator. Anything. Jesus.
Just give me a book to read or a notebook to write in and I'll entertain myself. It's weird because I have an anxiety disorder so I'm usually chattering and worrying about stupid shit non-stop inside of my own head so when I get a rare moment of calm and quiet in public, I tend to enjoy it. *Sigh* I used to skip school by myself and go to the Mid-Manhattan library, take out a few books and just ride the subway back and forth, wherever it would take me. From the Bronx to Coney Island to Queens to the Far Rockaways. I'd have my CD player with a mix-CD I burned (crikey, I am old) and listen to that until the batteries died and read my books instead of going to school. If only there was a class -- Reading on the Subway for Hours 101. I could teach that fucking class. Imagine if the Kindle and iPod existed at that point in time!
I'm always torn between isolating myself in public and how much people do that, especially on the subway. Perfect strangers sitting in close proximity physically but mentally further from each other than you could imagine. Who engages strangers in conversations anyway? Eye contact is a sin on the subway! Stare at your iPod, your Kindle, your feet, the ads by the ceiling, but never the person sitting across from you. God forbid. My parents actually met on the freaking subway. The story is something like my dad started talking to my mom on the D train and they ended up actually riding to the same train stop which was a pretty big coincidence because they both took the same train every day and never ran into each other before. Sometimes I like it when strangers start conversations with me, but I'm always too scared to start conversations with other people. Unless it's in a store or whatever, where you're kind of obligated to exchange niceties with the cashier or whatever. I'm just a hypocrite I suppose. I do all the shit I'm complaining about, but that's what society has turned into. At least in New York City. I guess when there are 8 million people living in such a tiny area, the mass of humanity gets overwhelming. Sometimes I just want to move to a small town where everyone knows everyone else and the only new people who come in are the babies who are born there.
Growing up in New York City is difficult. People say we're rude but I think we're just overstimulated. Kind of like I am now. Could you imagine saying hello to every person you passed in Times Square or whatever? It would be impossible. I know the Naked Cowboy can do it, but it's too cold to be outside in just your undies! Hahaha.