Raven Madd
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jun 4, 2013
- Messages
- 9
I would like to relate to you a moment of insight I just had. It was a sight of pure beauty in a world that had seemed so ugly to me, and I fully believe that I am changed forever by this experience.
I have been through a lot. I won't go through all of that right now because that's not the important part. Just know that mine is a mind of many troubled memories that had been buried for a very long time. I used drugs and alcohol to bury these memories and numb these feelings to the point that I was completely depersonalized from myself and the world. Where a healthy person would seek a drug for it's mind-expanding qualities, I was doing the opposite. I was constantly seeking my next high, and I didn't care where it came from. This led to me doing things such as datura and raiding friends medicine cabinets for Benadryl. I had no sense of reality or Self, and all I was doing was pushing those memories and emotions as far away as possible.
Then, I happened upon a picture. I had not seen this picture in years and it was directly from one of the main memories I had been running away from for so long. All of a sudden, having not felt ANY emotion in all these years, I was suddenly feeling EVERY emotion all at once. It was a complete breakdown, so overwhelming. Later that night (this was last night, btw), after I finally got over my breakdown, I started feeling very trippy, like I had taken a hit of acid, but I was entirely sober. That led me to create my first post on BL, as I was trying to figure out how I was tripping while sober.
This euphoria did wear off, though, and I found myself browsing through BL randomly. I found a thread about Morning Glory seeds, and I remembered that I had recently seen a plant nearby in my neighborhood, I just couldn't remember exactly where. So I set out in search for this plant, and I looked for at least two hours, risking getting shot while snooping in someone's backyard when I falsely identified a plant. Then I remembered where I saw it and immediately trekked there, pouring sweat in the hot and humid Florida heat, thinking of nothing else but eating those seeds and tripping balls. I finally got there, right where I knew I had seen them in full bloom, presumably sporting nice fresh seeds for me to eat....only to realize that the plant had been cut to shreds by a weedeater probably just minutes ago. But then I see that heart shaped leaf I was looking for in a deep ravine just a few paces away. I look down and it's not just a ravine, it's a beautiful stream, with flowers blooming all around and the clear water trickling over the rocks. Here's where the philosophy/spirituality comes in, I know it was a long build-up, but it was important so you could understand this moment.
I see the plant I was looking for, but it is not in my field of attention at all at this time, as I am completely captured by this wondrous sight. I slowly walk up to the stream, relishing the cool of the shade, bathed in green filtered sunlight. I look around slowly, I take it all in, and I sit down and begin crying. For the first time since I was a child, I'm crying my eyes out, from the beauty I behold, from the memories I haven't been able to stop since I've seen that picture, from what I've become, and how I let this world, this beautiful wonderful world, all slip away from me. I felt all my boundaries let go at that moment, I was no longer just me, I was one with the Earth, with the Universe, with all of existence and all of it's experiences, I could feel beyond just my skin and my pathetic weak body to embrace the essence of Life itself and become reborn as a real person all over again.
When I opened my eyes, it was like I was in a new world. I could actually see, for the first time, again. I stood up and decided to walk home, as I was exhausted from this experience. But before I went, I stopped at the Morning Glory plant and looked at it's bright blue flowers and smiled.
"Not today, my friend," I said, "I've already had my trip today."
I have been through a lot. I won't go through all of that right now because that's not the important part. Just know that mine is a mind of many troubled memories that had been buried for a very long time. I used drugs and alcohol to bury these memories and numb these feelings to the point that I was completely depersonalized from myself and the world. Where a healthy person would seek a drug for it's mind-expanding qualities, I was doing the opposite. I was constantly seeking my next high, and I didn't care where it came from. This led to me doing things such as datura and raiding friends medicine cabinets for Benadryl. I had no sense of reality or Self, and all I was doing was pushing those memories and emotions as far away as possible.
Then, I happened upon a picture. I had not seen this picture in years and it was directly from one of the main memories I had been running away from for so long. All of a sudden, having not felt ANY emotion in all these years, I was suddenly feeling EVERY emotion all at once. It was a complete breakdown, so overwhelming. Later that night (this was last night, btw), after I finally got over my breakdown, I started feeling very trippy, like I had taken a hit of acid, but I was entirely sober. That led me to create my first post on BL, as I was trying to figure out how I was tripping while sober.
This euphoria did wear off, though, and I found myself browsing through BL randomly. I found a thread about Morning Glory seeds, and I remembered that I had recently seen a plant nearby in my neighborhood, I just couldn't remember exactly where. So I set out in search for this plant, and I looked for at least two hours, risking getting shot while snooping in someone's backyard when I falsely identified a plant. Then I remembered where I saw it and immediately trekked there, pouring sweat in the hot and humid Florida heat, thinking of nothing else but eating those seeds and tripping balls. I finally got there, right where I knew I had seen them in full bloom, presumably sporting nice fresh seeds for me to eat....only to realize that the plant had been cut to shreds by a weedeater probably just minutes ago. But then I see that heart shaped leaf I was looking for in a deep ravine just a few paces away. I look down and it's not just a ravine, it's a beautiful stream, with flowers blooming all around and the clear water trickling over the rocks. Here's where the philosophy/spirituality comes in, I know it was a long build-up, but it was important so you could understand this moment.
I see the plant I was looking for, but it is not in my field of attention at all at this time, as I am completely captured by this wondrous sight. I slowly walk up to the stream, relishing the cool of the shade, bathed in green filtered sunlight. I look around slowly, I take it all in, and I sit down and begin crying. For the first time since I was a child, I'm crying my eyes out, from the beauty I behold, from the memories I haven't been able to stop since I've seen that picture, from what I've become, and how I let this world, this beautiful wonderful world, all slip away from me. I felt all my boundaries let go at that moment, I was no longer just me, I was one with the Earth, with the Universe, with all of existence and all of it's experiences, I could feel beyond just my skin and my pathetic weak body to embrace the essence of Life itself and become reborn as a real person all over again.
When I opened my eyes, it was like I was in a new world. I could actually see, for the first time, again. I stood up and decided to walk home, as I was exhausted from this experience. But before I went, I stopped at the Morning Glory plant and looked at it's bright blue flowers and smiled.
"Not today, my friend," I said, "I've already had my trip today."
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