Broken74
Bluelighter
New here, coping with my boyfriend and his addiction. Recently a month and a half ago my bf informed me of a shocking reality. He had been main lining heroin for 2 weeks straight every 4/5 hrs. He came clean, with one bag left and in a pretty decent state of withdrawal. He was extremely honest so I was willing to stay, as I obviously love him and want what is best for him. He also had subx like 4/5 of them. I felt like he was wanting out of the cycle, and we struggled through a few days of him using subx and basically ruined our entire vacation, which I was of the mind set that it was worth it to see him a)be honest b) get clean.
Problem is, looking back idk that he wanted to be clean so much as he used too much the night before and wasn't going to make it through the weekend on left over supply. I mean he brought it with him and the subx. Once we got back home, it was like all a bad dream that never happened. No withdrawals, no more subx. Just magic. I'm not a drug user or abuser, but I've dealt with it. My brother was main lining oxy years ago and we nearly lost him. I've done tons of research on drug usage, in the efforts to learn about addiction and be a beacon of hope and support . I've also gone through it with my ex husband, only he was using completely different drugs, I divorced him due to it and it probably saved my sanity and my kids' future. Back to my point...
In the last 8 weeks, I'm continually seeing my bf nod off, badly. Drop things in a semi nod state of mind. I thought seriously he had overdosed twice, I've looked into purchasing narcan...but he insists im wasting the $200 bcuz he's not using. I cry and lay there counting his breaths at night when he nods out with that familiar gaping mouth and rolled up eyeballs, his body twitching from time to time. Now I'm losing sleep, bcuz I fear I have to watch over him or chance waking up next to him dead, which is an absolute nightmare.
Idk if he's back on the heroin, or what originally took him there... oxy. But after weeks of denial, he admits to some r-15's. I feel it's being down played. I've told him again and again, I don't want to judge him, I just want honesty. At this point I'm willing to accept the honesty, how much and how often so we can move forward and try to taper that down, but if he keeps denying it, he intends to keep using it. I tell myself not to accuse him, but it's so obvious. He knows I'm not going anywhere, at least not right now, if things got worse I can't say that I would stay. I'm just trying to be there for him, so he has someone he can come to when he is ready. He knows I won't think less of him or condescend him, but I'm feeling disrespected myself by the lies. I found a baggie with residue, bought a test kit and it was positive for heroin. This was a month after our return from the " moment of truth" when he came clean. He says it's left over from before. I say no. Recently this week he cut his arm with a chainsaw, so this week he probably need pain relief. I know he's been getting perc 10mg about 3-5 @a time and to me that's understandable bcuz of his tolerance level. But I think he's on more. So I went snooping.... found 3 subx in his wallet and the percs he was hoarding (that he swore he took!)...which means he was on something more (I knew it!!). He said he was nodding cuz it was late and he took 5 percs at once, but they were in his pocket so clearly he's on something else.
How do I know if he's back on the H or if it's oxy???
Also, idk if he's back to main lining. The vein on his bicep had 3 or 4 pin pricks last night. He's very clean, very good with i.v. so I've never seen an abcess. He says the pricks are old or possibly even from carrying things at work since he does physical labor.
Our sex life is non existent, I know it's from whatever form of opiates using. He would rather believe he has E.D. at the ripe age he's at and see a dr for cialisis.
In the last 2 weeks, he cut his arm with a chainsaw (maybe from nodding while working?), his truck is dented with no explanation other than he has no idea how, he had an expensive tool 'stolen' @ a red light, the pricks on his arm, the tension in his relationship with me over missing time (several hours every day), tension with his mother, the nodding off... yet I'm looking to much into things when I try to point out that things are spiraling out of control. He has a 'valid' excuse for everything, so if I point it out he throws that excuse up and says oh bcuz this happened now I'm using?! I just don't know how to help him anymore. The lies hurt even more cuz he knows I love him and will stand by him. Why can't he be honest and confide in me so I know what he's taking and how much. I really don't want his delivery method to be i.v. for several, obvious reasons. I also don't know how to tell if I'm going crazy and pushing him further into it or actually helping him see where it's taking him. Every time I tell myself to ride it out not bring it up, something really crazy or scary ends up happening or just something so obvious....and we are back on the same discussion. His mother is a huge enabler and keeps dumping money on him for every excuse in the book and she's very judgemental and has a better than tho attitude. I feel like going to her, she would a) find a way to say it's my fault-she basically blames everything on me instead of her cherished son and...b) if she listened at all wold just put him in the streets and he would go further into his cycle. But she just gives him endless amounts of money for a truck, tools, tires, saws, repairs ... it never stops. Then he suddenly leaves to buy his newest toy and comes back in an EXCELLENT mood after he was feeling down earlier all day.
I guess I just don't know how to begin to help him. And no I'm not ready to leave for all the replies I can already sense coming my way. I believe in giving something 100% my all when I love someone. At the point that I know I've done that, if things are only worse, I will know and do what is best for my own sanity. But right now, I don't want to leave him. I want to be there when he comes around. I want him to have a source to go to. I know he can never turn to his mother. And I know he knows that too.
Problem is, looking back idk that he wanted to be clean so much as he used too much the night before and wasn't going to make it through the weekend on left over supply. I mean he brought it with him and the subx. Once we got back home, it was like all a bad dream that never happened. No withdrawals, no more subx. Just magic. I'm not a drug user or abuser, but I've dealt with it. My brother was main lining oxy years ago and we nearly lost him. I've done tons of research on drug usage, in the efforts to learn about addiction and be a beacon of hope and support . I've also gone through it with my ex husband, only he was using completely different drugs, I divorced him due to it and it probably saved my sanity and my kids' future. Back to my point...
In the last 8 weeks, I'm continually seeing my bf nod off, badly. Drop things in a semi nod state of mind. I thought seriously he had overdosed twice, I've looked into purchasing narcan...but he insists im wasting the $200 bcuz he's not using. I cry and lay there counting his breaths at night when he nods out with that familiar gaping mouth and rolled up eyeballs, his body twitching from time to time. Now I'm losing sleep, bcuz I fear I have to watch over him or chance waking up next to him dead, which is an absolute nightmare.
Idk if he's back on the heroin, or what originally took him there... oxy. But after weeks of denial, he admits to some r-15's. I feel it's being down played. I've told him again and again, I don't want to judge him, I just want honesty. At this point I'm willing to accept the honesty, how much and how often so we can move forward and try to taper that down, but if he keeps denying it, he intends to keep using it. I tell myself not to accuse him, but it's so obvious. He knows I'm not going anywhere, at least not right now, if things got worse I can't say that I would stay. I'm just trying to be there for him, so he has someone he can come to when he is ready. He knows I won't think less of him or condescend him, but I'm feeling disrespected myself by the lies. I found a baggie with residue, bought a test kit and it was positive for heroin. This was a month after our return from the " moment of truth" when he came clean. He says it's left over from before. I say no. Recently this week he cut his arm with a chainsaw, so this week he probably need pain relief. I know he's been getting perc 10mg about 3-5 @a time and to me that's understandable bcuz of his tolerance level. But I think he's on more. So I went snooping.... found 3 subx in his wallet and the percs he was hoarding (that he swore he took!)...which means he was on something more (I knew it!!). He said he was nodding cuz it was late and he took 5 percs at once, but they were in his pocket so clearly he's on something else.
How do I know if he's back on the H or if it's oxy???
Also, idk if he's back to main lining. The vein on his bicep had 3 or 4 pin pricks last night. He's very clean, very good with i.v. so I've never seen an abcess. He says the pricks are old or possibly even from carrying things at work since he does physical labor.
Our sex life is non existent, I know it's from whatever form of opiates using. He would rather believe he has E.D. at the ripe age he's at and see a dr for cialisis.
In the last 2 weeks, he cut his arm with a chainsaw (maybe from nodding while working?), his truck is dented with no explanation other than he has no idea how, he had an expensive tool 'stolen' @ a red light, the pricks on his arm, the tension in his relationship with me over missing time (several hours every day), tension with his mother, the nodding off... yet I'm looking to much into things when I try to point out that things are spiraling out of control. He has a 'valid' excuse for everything, so if I point it out he throws that excuse up and says oh bcuz this happened now I'm using?! I just don't know how to help him anymore. The lies hurt even more cuz he knows I love him and will stand by him. Why can't he be honest and confide in me so I know what he's taking and how much. I really don't want his delivery method to be i.v. for several, obvious reasons. I also don't know how to tell if I'm going crazy and pushing him further into it or actually helping him see where it's taking him. Every time I tell myself to ride it out not bring it up, something really crazy or scary ends up happening or just something so obvious....and we are back on the same discussion. His mother is a huge enabler and keeps dumping money on him for every excuse in the book and she's very judgemental and has a better than tho attitude. I feel like going to her, she would a) find a way to say it's my fault-she basically blames everything on me instead of her cherished son and...b) if she listened at all wold just put him in the streets and he would go further into his cycle. But she just gives him endless amounts of money for a truck, tools, tires, saws, repairs ... it never stops. Then he suddenly leaves to buy his newest toy and comes back in an EXCELLENT mood after he was feeling down earlier all day.
I guess I just don't know how to begin to help him. And no I'm not ready to leave for all the replies I can already sense coming my way. I believe in giving something 100% my all when I love someone. At the point that I know I've done that, if things are only worse, I will know and do what is best for my own sanity. But right now, I don't want to leave him. I want to be there when he comes around. I want him to have a source to go to. I know he can never turn to his mother. And I know he knows that too.
