See if anyone can make sense of this....I sure as hell can't

[DJSparkles]

This is something I just wrote as a stream of consciousness last night, and I don't know what to make of it...let's see if you guys can....
As I sit here thinking, only one thought come to mind: loneliness. I can honestly say that this is the shittiest I've felt in a long time. Lots of thoughts crept into my head tonight that just kept stirring up more and more thoughts, which stimulated emotion. Tears should relieve me, but all they do is frustrate me right now. All I can do is look forward, try to focus my vision and clear my head, but then another tear starts to fall, my mind clouds up again, and I'm fucked. For once in my life I'm getting to the point of feeling helpless. I enjoy my life, I'm trying to make the best of it, but there are so many things that are keeping me unsettled. I miss my mom so much. I never thought that it would hurt this much when I left home. I thought everything would be fun and fancy free, but it's not that way at all. I have the freedom that I've always craved, but it's not as blissful as I perceived it to be. I miss my mom, my brother, my dad, my dogs, my cats....even fucking Hamilton of all things. I miss them all immensely, but I know if I were to go back there I would have to give up my life. My partying days would be no more, and I'm not willing to give that up for anything. If anyone understood what the scene means to me and does to me then I don't think they would ask me to stop doing what I'm doing. Life just wouldn't be the same if I had to give up partying. It's my heart and my soul--something I feel with every beat of my heart and every ounce of blood that flows through my veins. Maybe it's selfish of me to feel this way, but it's what I know and what I love, so I don't think it's such a bad thing. I'm getting tired of this dull ache in my chest that tells me I'm missing everyone. I know so many people that would be able to provide words of wisdom, but I'm almost to the point where I don't know where to turn to. I miss everyone at college so much right at this very moment--they would be able to shed some light on this situation. What I would give to have Brian take me into his arms and hold me, tell me that everything will be okay. That's all I want right now--for time to stop and someone just to hold me. Hold me, let me cry, and tell me that everything will be all right. God, what I would give for that right now!!! I'm in a state of confusion. I hardly know who I am, what I want, what I'm about. Almost as if I've lost my sense of identity. I haven't felt this way in a long time, but I don't like it. I'd forgotten how it feels to have my hear ache, my mind shake, and my thoughts break. And it sucks. I know there are people that love and care about me in this world, but I don't FEEL them right now. I don't feel their love, I don't feel their openness, I don't feel their warmth, I don't feel their presence, I don't feel the peace and solemnity that I should. Fuck existing at this point. It's pointless. I don't feel like the girl I used to be. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. As I sit here and think this, I know that this is the time in my life when I've felt the most peaceful with myself--as if for the first time I have a good grip and good understanding of who I am. But I feel so uncomfortable right now. It's as if I know who I am and am coming to terms with accepting her, but at the same time I don't like who that is. What the fuck is wrong with me??? Why are bottomless, incognizant thoughts running in irrecognizable circles in my head simply to confuse the hell out of me? I just want to feel content. I don't think that's too much to ask. Yet all my life I've never been able to achieve that. Every time I get close something comes along and fucks me up again. I'm tired of fighting myself. I'm tired of struggling to be happy when it really shouldn't be that hard!!! If everyone else can do it, why can't I? I guess I'm just incapable of enjoying life and feeling comfortable and content. Fuck it. Someone, anyone---just hold me, let me cry and tell me that everything will be okay. Help me. Help me try to find my sanity. Help me find happiness. Please....
Fuck it, it's hopeless. I'm going to bed now.

 

[E-girl]

i've had this very same conversation with myself.
i moved out on my own, i did my own thing. i thought living on my own would be the greatest thing in the world. and i struggled. when times got hard, i missed everything in my life that was easy -- living at home, going to my old college, hanging out with the same people i hung out with in high school. that was my safety net. i didn't give myself a chance to like all the things i had moved to experience in the first place.
i had to come to terms with the fact that there was no going back. no "punking out" as my cousin would have said. i did that once and i wasn't going to do it again, no matter what. no matter how broke i was, or how lonely, or how lost.
i stuck it out, and the only way i was able to do that was to do things my own way, and for awhile, it meant partying a lot more to kinda fill that void of emptiness. going to a party was something i would do to meet a ton of strangers for a night that most of which i would never see again, but they gave me a sense of being. so i understand why you feel so strongly about that. the music made me forget about how broke and angry i was.
that worked for awhile, but eventually you realize that it really drains the bank account. so i had to find other things to fill that void. i hate going to bars, and the clubs up here are played out. i found the filler to be poetry, and this forum is where i spend a lot of my time. my words can fill any kind of void, at any time of day, for free. they can be whatever i want.
and eventually, through writing, i figured out who i was. i found my place. i accepted it. and things have been a lot more positive for me.
i hope you can find something that means a lot to you, and that will make everything just a little easier. i know what its like to have the emptiness, and it sucks. but i think you'll get through it.

 

[5FACES]

You're growing up, you're changing. It's like a part of you lives in the past, a part of you lives in the future, a part of you lives in the present. YOu enjoy what you're doing now but you kind've feel guilty about leaving your old life behind. Also all the moving around and changing scenes leaves you feeling lonely many times. Remember this.... just beacuse you're away from home does not mean that the people there are out of your life. That's a beuatiful thing about family and true friendships. They last a lifetime and you might be away from them now but now forever.
I believe ( I'm going back to the guilty feeling) that you also feel all these emotions because you are doing what you want but then again people back home might not agree or they might not be doing what they want. AM I right.
I might sound confusing too but I am in a very similar situation and I feel very similar emotions to yours. Some days are good and some days are hard but I s'pose the best advice I can give you is just keep living and keep the people you love close to your heart always.

 

[caffeine_voices]

i feel ya

 

[harraser]

once, after thinking all the things you just expressed so well,I wrote an essay on how every human being is completely alone in the universe and how no matter how many freinds you have you cant remove the feeling of lonliness.I submitted it to my english teacher and got an A and a recomendation that I seek psychiatric help.I never got the help and I still have the same opinions about being alone,but i read a book about the shamans of ancient mexico and they had the same opinion about being alone I did.they could supposedly see energy as it flows in the universe and when a person was seen as energy only one person could be seen at a time,even if theyre in a crowd because we are all separated energetiacaly.but they also said that the only other entity that could be seen at the same time as a person was the earth, and the only way to stem lonliness was to love the planet as a companion.for years I looked around me and wondered how I was supposed to love this planet with all its violence and hatred but then one day i realised while looking out at the hills near my dads house,hills covered with nothing but eucaliptus trees and ferns,I realised that the only part of the world I was looking at was the human part,the part we had destroyed.when I looked at the world as it is truly meant to be I realised that i did love it and my lonliness went away cause as long as you live noone can take away this beutiful being we all live on/with.I still get lonley but it always goes away as soon as I get away from the city and back to the places where the planet is how its supposed to be.
sorry I didnt realise how much I was writing
remember that you are never alone as long as you live on this wonderful planet.