Shit realm, my will is how I got to bein over a year clean off dope. Lack of will has brought me to some of the worst places. But it aint nothin but my will that has brought me back from there. Wat has it done for me? got me clean, got my life back together. My will, determination, discipline, faith, internal strenth, resilience--thats the things that got me to the better place i am at today. It has brought me everything good that I have achieved in my life. my drive to succeed, my will to keep myself working even when I wanted to give up, all these things are how I got to where Im at.
I aint one of the people who dont believe in a higher power. I believe in god all the way. But god helps those who help themselves. Having faith and belief that I aint alone, that I am here for a reason, that all this struggle and pain and all that, wasnt for nothing, that i been thru it all as part of a bigger puzzle, as just somethin to teach me for my greater purpose in life....All that has helped me along, but I am the one responsible for my success and where I am at now. i had help along the way, from my family, from the love of my life and soul mate and now the father of my son, from the pure good luck and blessings that I been lucky enough to have, and help when shit got hard, from my faith and belief that there is a bigger force out there lookin out for me. I aint sayin it in a arrogant way, like I take all the credit or w/ever. It aint like that. But im just sayin--Nobody coulda done this for me. Nobody coulda got me here except me. it was my responsibility, and it took me long enough to finally (wo)man up and take it, but once i did, it was all up from there.
It IS my choice if I use. it IS my choice the way I choose to live my life, it is my choice if i am gonna be a fuckin dopehead or ima be clean, all that shit, its on me. it aint on god, it aint on no higher power. its my decision. I am the one calling the shots. I absolutely KNOW, without no question in my mind, that I will not use tomorrow. There aint no question, there aint no 'wat if", there aint no doubt. it aint thru the grace of god that Ill stay clean. its thru me and my choices and my will to continue living the happy blessed life that I am livin now. When people say "well you are an addict--you cant know if you will relapse, etc" I cant relate to that in no way at all. I CAN know, and i DO know. When I was on dope, i gave up my will. I gave up my will to dope and to that life. i didnt care, i just didnt give a shit and i knew exactly wat i was doing. i was feelin the sweet relief of lettin go, of givin up, of just lettin myself fall down and down and down and just not caring. The whole time I lived as a dopehead, shootin that shit in my veins all day , THAT was my life WITHOUT my will.
Now that I got it back there aint no limit to the things I can do with myself, to the success that I can achieve, I know that shit. For me, to turn over my will is somethin that has never done a damn thing for me except send me down. I am most proud that I got it, that I am able to USE it and HAVE the choice, to exercise my will in my life and feel the freedom of makin my choices again instead of lettin addiction make those choices for me. I aint givin up that shit again, tell you that much. The powerless, will-less shit is the exact opposite of how i want to life my life. Ive had way better success as a self-made ex-dopefeen than i ever had tryin any other way. it took me, to decide it for myself, on my own, and use my own willpower, to get my way out of it. i couldnt do it before, becuz i had lost my will, it was gone, i had no control of it. Once i got ahold of it again and held on tight, it was the pure , raw, uncut force of stubborn-ass willpower that got me out of that fuckin hole.
I aint saying that addiction is just a character defect, that only people who are weak willed, etc, are addicts. Thats bullshit. i hate hearin when asshole knowitalls try and say that you only stay addicted cuz you weak, etc. But im just sayin that for ME personally, after so many years lost in a sea just floating without none of my own will, without determination or any strenth to do anything, without the drive or ability to follow thru with the smallest thing...the inability to even TRY to get clean....i got nowhere...but once i finally was able to regain that will that i had lost, it gave me the strenth to improve the REST of myself, all my other defenses against addiction--discipline, determination, strenth, drive, hope, faith, etc--they came back to life, and all of those things put together with the will to keep going is how I got free from that shit.
I know for absolute certain that I never would be here without my will. Its a positive force in my life not a negative one.