Sea of Dreams

[plazma]

Sea of Dreams

We have been floating adrift
On the seas between lives
Spinning, directionless
In the storms
Where the waves of love
Threaten to drown us all
In the tides of depression
Sink or swim
When no choices are left
As the crimson sunset
Stains the water with blood
Finally embrace the night
Where we shall live our lives trapped
Out of sight and
Out of mind

For too long now we've waited
Unto the twilight of our breath
Endured still
The pain of never feeling
Solid ground beneath our feet
At last we've found
The reassurance to keep on
Treading water
Until the low tide comes
As sadness drains away
We'll walk just once
Upon the sparkling sands
To see what brought us here
A sunrise of one love
Upon this once far shore

Wrote this up today. Its not brilliant, but its okay.

What do you guys think?

-plaz out-

 

[katmeow]

Hmmm... yeah, it's lacking something, can't quite put my finger on it.

Looks a little uneven in some spots, I don't think it flows as well as some of your other pieces.

I liked this part:

At last we've found
The reassurance to keep on
Treading water
Until the low tide comes
As sadness drains away

*hugs*

 

[up all night]

^ I agree with kat. Nevertheless, your 'average' work far exceeds most other people's masterpieces.

 

[neverwas]

^ I agree with kat. Nevertheless, your 'average' work far exceeds most other people's masterpieces.

pretty much summed it up :D

 

[vurtomatic]

without taking too much liberties and change anything you've written, i wold suggest breaking it up into more stanzas so each idea/image stands out stronger

We have been floating adrift
On the seas between lives
Spinning, directionless

In the storms
Where the waves of love
Threaten to drown us all
In the tides of depression
Sink or swim

When no choices are left
As the crimson sun set
Stains the water with blood

Finally embrace the night
Where we shall live our lives trapped
Out of sight and
Out of mind

For too long now we've waited
Unto the twilight of our breath
Endured still
The pain of never feeling

Solid ground beneath our feet
At last we've found
The reassurance to keep on
Treading water

Until the low tide comes
As sadness drains away
We'll walk just once

Upon the sparkling sands
To see what brought us here

A sunrise of one love
Upon this once far shore

 

[plazma]

Actually vurt, that's a very good idea. I really do need to take note of my tendancy to NOT use spacing as a form of punctuation, and correct it.

Cheers for the comments!

-plaz out-

 

[cherub]

When no choices are left
As the crimson sunset
Stains the water with blood
Finally embrace the night
Where we shall live our lives trapped
Out of sight and
Out of mind

I really liked this alot hun, that particular part hit me more emotionally then any other but i enjoyed reading it